Can he do it

Old 12-10-2002, 08:46 AM
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Can he do it

Hello, I am new here.
My son 29,was or is addicted to heroin, he is clean at the moment,2 months now. He was living in another State,in a car, thrown out of where he was living, has lost everything, decided to come live with me in Florida.
We just had a whopper of a fight last night over me calling his lawyer, I needed to know what trouble he is in.
Well he got very very mad about me invading his privacy.
I feel he's living under my roof and he is my son --that I do have some kind of right to protect myself.
He has alot of traffic violations and stuff like that.
He has stolen from people close to him.
I need to know how to help him and if I can help him.
He will not go to Rehab.
He might be looking at jail time for the traffic things.
He is working at a good job, but he really thinks he is such a big shot, his boss does not know about his problem.
He goes to a group meeting one day a week and a one on one meeting one day a week.
Please tell me where to turn.
Right now he stays in his room at night, says he doesn't want to bother me.
I have this need to know what he's doing at every moment.
I can't possibly write everything here, so I will try to say alittle at a time.
Thanks for all your help
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Old 12-10-2002, 09:58 AM
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Hi Lacy and welcome,

I am sure others will be along to offer their very wise advice, but i wanted to say hi, hang in there, and yes...... it is possible.....if he really really truly wants a better life - HE CAN DO IT! it's been known to happen.

Seems like he has a good start by going to meetings. May want to do the 90-90 (90 meetings in 90 days - but thats up to him). YOU should check out alanon or naranon meetings for guidance, support and coping techniques.

Hang in there,
J
:okay:
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Old 12-10-2002, 11:25 AM
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Hello J,
Thank you for your support.
As I said I don't know where to turn.

He has been in rehab and done the 90/90 thing also when he was in another state.
I raised him until he was 13 and I decided to move to Florida. I made the mistake of giving him the choice of coming with me or living with his father.
Well he chose his father---little did he know that his father was, and is an idiot.
I have lived with that for many years now.
I begged him to come to Florida so many times.
His father says he wants him dead, he really can't handle the drug thing.
He's an embarassment to him, his father is stuck in the 50's.
I can understand that, but you never want your child dead, no matter what they do.
So now--needless to say they hate each other.
My son is very strong willed and it's usually his way or no way.
He really knows how to manipulate people.
Everybody loves him---the big jokester.
Life of the party---etc.
I am going to check out some meetings for me.
I really need someone to talk to.
It's so hard to really get to the bottom of this in wriiting.
There is so much involved and so much to say.
He doesn't want me to tell anyone about any of this.
He also doesn't know I'm writing.
Take care
Lacy54
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Old 12-10-2002, 11:28 AM
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Hi Lacey,

First let me welcome you to the recovery forums. It's a great place to get the help you need and start to heal. I know it's very hard to watch a loved one abuse drugs and alcohol without being able to help them. Thankfully, there are the Alanon and Naranon programs and they are geared specifically for the people who are close to the addict, family members, spouses, etc.

There are a great deal of mothers dealing with the very same issues you describe on these boards in the Alanon and Naranon forums. There are posts labeled Sticky on the top of the forums. These are very informative and answer some of your questions.

I would suggest posting on those boards as well,as there are so many people in your predicament willing to offer guidance and support. It is possible to get your post moved if you don't want to have to write it over again. I would be happy to have the appropriate person do that for you.
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Old 12-10-2002, 11:53 AM
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Heavy Heart,
Thank you so much.
I would appreciate it if you would have my post moved to the other place.
All I do now as I read some of the posts----is cry.
I wasn't doing that before, but I think I have to let it all out so I can become strong to deal with all of this.
There is so much to say.
Thank you
Lacy54
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Old 12-11-2002, 06:25 AM
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Lacy,

Sorry, the move took a little longer than I expected but you will find wonderful support and help here. The people in Alanon and Naranon are very knowledgeable and have traveled the road you are on. Stay strong and know you are not alone.
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Old 12-11-2002, 08:02 AM
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Heavy Heart,
Thank you so much for all your help.
I am going to an Alanon meeting on Friday morning in my area.
Depression is starting to set in.
I too am an alcoholic, I am sober 3 years now.
I started drinking and drugging when I was 10, not the greatest home life, abused, parents drunk all the time.
Pregnant and married and divorced by 21.
Was on vacation a 3 years ago and got caught, went to jail and haven't had a drink since.
It was so tramatic for me, 40 something and going to jail.
My bf is from England and he was not happy about any of this.
He stood by me all the way though, never asked me to stop or anything.
He is not really a big drinker and definately no drugs.
The laws are very strict in England about drinking and driving.
They just don't do it.
It has not been the greatest for alot of us but somehow we get through it.
I am in a good place now and am very afraid that the bf will not accept my son.
I am in the middle and don't know what to do.
Well, I am rambling again.
There is so much to say.
Lacy54
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Old 12-11-2002, 10:54 AM
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JT
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Lacy,

I am glad you are heading for a meeting. Did you use the 12 steps to get sober or did you just quit.

It sounds like you need to establish some limits in your home. My son just moved in after a 90 day program and believe me there is no way I would fight with him. If he chooses to fight with me he will not be staying here. It is after all my home.

My son had plans to go out one evening and I told him to be in by 11 because I would be waiting up. He is 28 but tuff...he is accountable to me right now...them's the rules...if he can follow them in rehab he can follow them here.

My allowing him to stay here is a gift...especially at his age...and he better treat it as such. I am not Hitler...I love him and he knows it...he also knows me and these things have not even had to said!

Go to your meeting...set some limits. If he does not want to live by them that is his choice. He is free to move on.

Oh and Ann would say...those limits are not to control him...they are to protect YOU! Early curfews..so you can sleep. If he lies or uses... he's out. I don't sweat the need to know what he is up too...I will find out soon enough if he is up to no good. Really...don't we always??

Hugs...stick around!!
JT
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Old 12-11-2002, 12:19 PM
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JT,
First of all, I just quit , all it took was to go to jail overnight.
I was mortified and swore right then---after I got out to never have another drink.
Right about now though, I could really use a drink but I know I can't have just one.
I would have to finish the whole bottle.
So I just don't.
I never though I was a strong person, but I guess I am.
Thank you so much for all your information and wisdom on this.
I am glad I found this place.
It helps to know that there are people out there with the same problems.
I don't know if I overstepped my bounds when I called his lawyer.
I don't think I did.
As he has lied many times, and all of these traffic violation problems have been going on for a very long time.
It's time for it to be straightened out.
He is one of those that doesn't want one person to know what the other one is doing.
Get my meaning??
This was no one knows the same story.
Thanks
Lacy54
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Old 12-11-2002, 02:11 PM
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JT
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Lacy,

I understand your need to know, especially since he came from another state and what he is up to could potentially cause problems for you. He told you he did 90 in 90 but who is really to know? As you said he lies. I wouldn't put uo with ANY temper from him. you already did so you could just say..."That's Once" and leave it at that. You really don't need to snoop however. Somehow we always end up knowing what is up. More than we want to!

A teenager is one thing but he is a 29 year old man and you are doing him a big favor. Anything less than gratitude from him, to me, indicates that there is more there than he is saying.

I can say this because I rowing the same boat as you right now. The ONLY reason my son is here at all is because he is #1 sober and #2 grateful. If the wind shifts he will have to go...probably to a shelter. I will be here only as long as he keeps up forward momentum...with the goal being his own place.

A little about me...I have 10 years in Alanon and more years than that of this BS. My son was homeless most of last year. He got himself in a program and stayed in it and today...with God's help...he is doing well.

Alanon saved me from insanity when he was younger and this was all beginning. My mind was whirling, like yours is right now, and it wouldn't stop. Alanon will give you peace amid the storm if you work it.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 12-11-2002, 02:44 PM
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Lacy,

Welcome to the board ...

I do not have much to add only that you have found a great place which has much to offer.

Hugs and prayers,
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Old 12-12-2002, 05:22 AM
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Red,
Thanks for your warm welcome.
I am glad I found this place.
Lacy54
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Old 12-12-2002, 05:32 AM
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JT,
Goodmorning,
Thanks again.
I am so new to this and I haven't been in that scene in a long time now.
I use to also be a bartender.
My son is being very nice at the moment, since the screaming mathch the other night,---don't get me wrong-- he is a good person at heart but very strong willed and as I said before he is a manipulator.
He really thinks that he can pull the wool over everyones eyes.
Well he can't.
I won't let him.
He has a little freedom right now, gotta see how far he goes.
He is going back home to see his lawyer in Jan. we will see what happens then.
I've already told him if he uses he cannot---repeat cannot come back.
Also told him I would not bail him out if he goes to jail.
He says his boss will---we will see about that.
If he does go to jail I will talk to his boss.
The man is from Germany and not in this country really that long, and I think my son has him wrapped around his finger.
I don't want to say anything yet to make him lose his job, because it is a very good job.
But if push comes to shove---I WILL.
I do think my son really wants help this time.
He has no where else to turn, I am his last relative that will take him in.
I think he was saving me till the end---lol.
So maybe this time.
Lacy54
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Old 12-12-2002, 02:51 PM
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Hi Lacy

My son is a 34 year old addict, who has been in and out of recovery for the past 10 years (presently out).

I have let him live at home a couple of times, always with boundaries. As JT mentioned, I just made sure that these boundaries were about ME and not about controlling him. My boundaries were curfew (so I could sleep), no using (I will not support or enable an active addict), and respect at all times, because I deserve respect. The deal was, that I love him just as much if he chooses to live somewhere else, but that if he lives with me he must respect my boundaries.

It didn't work any of the times he lived here and I probably would not allow him to move home again...the chaos is just not worth it.

You can set your own boundaries, and I pray it will work better for you.

Now, please know that what I am about to say, I say with love in my heart. Okay?

We have a saying here...."hands off the addict...step back....back away and let go". His relationship with his boss is his business, his relationship with his lawyer is his business (although I do concede that your safety might require that you understand what is at stake). His recovery is his business. All that is your business is YOUR relationship with him and how he behaves in your presence.

We cannot control them, their disease or their recovery.

But we can control our recovery and have respect for ourselves. And we do that by working our program and setting our boundaries.

If your meetings are AA, then I will also suggest trying some Al-anon meetings too. The 12-steps are the same, but the issues are different and Al-anon may help you with this side of the problem. Many people at my meeting also attend NA or AA, and receive benefits from both. Double win for you.

Keep posting with us, share your recovery here with others who can help and benefit, and just know that we care.

My prayers are with you and your son. God bless every mother of an addict.
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Old 12-13-2002, 06:15 AM
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Anns
My heart goes out to you.
I am learning about the controlling thing.
Knowing that I can't control him.
I am going to an Alanon meeting today.
Ever since the big argument the other night he has been better.
I have been away in another State for the past 15 years while he lived with his father.
So I have the guilt thing going on also about moving away.
I am trying to deal with that also.
I know he is a grown man--(I think) and has to figure this out for himself.
This is the 2nd time he has come to live with me---the first was 7 yrs ago, when we found out that his girlfriend was pregnant.
I let the both opf them come here, then they left 3 weeks before my grandson was born.
Needless to say I was not very happy.
Anyway it seems he only calls me when he needs something and has no place else to turn.
This time he has screwed everyone where he used to live and now he wants to get his life straightened out.
It just bothers me that he thinks the whole world waits for him.
example: meeting last night, he says he told them he would be alittle late--says to me it's ok---we are 1/2 hour late ---they don't let him in. I DID NOT SAY A WORD!!
Maybe some day he will learn.
Lacy54
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Old 12-20-2002, 07:30 PM
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Hello
I have been to my 2nd. Alanon meeting and it is really helping---just knowing that I am not alone in this is a big help.
I haven't said much at the meeting but just listening is ok.
I'm crying alot when I listen to the other peoples stories but I think I am getting alot out of it.
My son is going to his meetings also.
He doesn't know that I am going to meetings myself.
We are getting along better.
I am really starting to understand about the controlling thing and realizing I cannot control him.
Just hoping everything will work out.
My heart goes out to everyone here.
I wish everyone peace within for the holidays.
Lacy54
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