ihave2hope

I am new here. I feel silly even doing this, but I feel so down right now and I just don't know who to talk to. I am in my late 20's have a great job etc and I absolutely love my family. They truely are everything to me. The problem is my dad's drinking. He has always been a big social drinker but over the last few years it has gotten a bit out of control. He is a typical functional alcoholic, he never misses work, is not abusive when drinking, but he is so ANNOYING and OBNOXIOUS when he drinks. He stopped drinking for 6 week and it was HEAVEN!!! Then he thought he could start again and drink in moderation (which as we all know, no alcoholic can do)...well it is worse than ever. On T'giving he drank to much and was rude and obnoxious, we had a mini-intervention, he admitted he may have a problem, promised to cut back/stop blah blah blah, well last night I went to dinner at my parents and I could tell he had been drinking too much, confronted him and hell broke loss--I was crying and pleading with him. He finally admitted he does have a problem with drinking--he has no problem stopping, but once he starts he can't stop (I know this is very typical) and that he needs help. He has a number of friends and business colleagues who had been sober for a number of years and he was calling on one of them today. I basically told him that if he drinks again, I will not come around and that he needs to choose the booze or his family. I just feel so depressed and hopeless today, I have seen him stop drinking and I think he probably will for a while, but what happens if he starts up again. I am afraid for my family, my sibling and my mother are at their wits end. I honestly hate my father when he is drinking, this loveable, kind man turns into an obnoxious monster. I know that I need to get some help to because this is consuming my life, I just can't accept that I could lose my wonderful family to this.

Thanks for letting me vent!

matters

I would like to welcome you aboard ihavetohope!!

Coming here was a great step. There are alot of wonderful people on these boards with alot of good advice and support.

There is always hope! And most of all you need to take care of YOU! As you learn more you will find out that our loved ones with drinking problems have to want to help themselves. We can not force them to get the help that they need, but we can learn to help our own selves and that will give us alot of HOPE for our lives.

Best wishes to you, my thoughts and prayers are with you,
matters

Hangin' In

Ihave2hope,

You're a smart person for coming here. I'd recommend reading this board, rea A LOT of the posts here. You'll see you are NOT alone. There is comfort in that. Then you can learn from what these people say here and see that you can't cause, control or cure your dad's illness. That's one of the first things they teach in Al Anon.

And speaking of Al Anon, look in the phone book and see if there is a listing. If not, you can call the national Al Anon hotline, 1-888-4AL ANON. Give them the city where you live and they can give you times of meetings and a contact person if you'd like.

You will find support in Al Anon and on this board. Have2hope, you do have hope. You can't make your dad stop his drinking or even get help, but by trying out Al Anon you will learn alot about yourself and the alcoholic and now to deal with it all.

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. And if you go to Al Anon, take your mom and sibling if you can. The more the better learning about this disease and how it affects the entire family.

Keep us posted as to how things are going because we are all in this together here.

Hugs!

Laceejoe

Hi, I just wanted to welcome you to the forum!! Please don't ever feel silly for writing what is in your heart. There are so many kind and empathetic people on these boards---and I'm sure that, like the rest of us here, you will gain insight just by reading that others are going through similar experiences. Don't ever hesitate to bring up any subject that is bothering you---because, more than likely---someone has been through something similar and will be able to help. Often, when I get on the boards----I just read and read and read because I'm so tired, and often more than a little depressed. We all go through these days---and this is the best place to be. I know that you are concerned about your father and the rest of the family----and, like some earlier posts---I'd suggest going to an Alanon meeting and getting some literature to help you understand. Hopefully, your father will begin to see the effects his drinking is having on his loved ones, and will seek help. Often though (and I certainly don't mean this to sound overly negative)---the alcoholic makes a choice that hurts the family even more!! It is a disease, after all---and has a strong grip!! As you said, your father says that once he starts---he finds it difficult to stop!! I've been there with my daughter, who is a beautiful, talented woman---but who becomes a very unlikeable person when she has had too much to drink. She's lost many people close to her because of her obnoxious behavior---and, sadly, most have had to suffer immense physical and emotional abuse because of the bottle!!! Despite years of people trying to get her to see the effects of her alcoholism---she really needed to HIT BOTTOM and lose alot of things near and dear to her---before she finally decided she needed to do something about it!! I'm not sure how long your father's problem has been going on---but please, learn to take care of yourself and share this with your mother and sibling!! Alcoholism is a family disease----and damages far more than can be seen easily on the outside!!! God bless you---and keep coming back!!

ihave2hope

Thanks for all the replies, I feel better already. I don't know if any of you have had this experience with your loved one, but my father's tolerance has actually decreased, I don't know if it is age or that he has just come off of 6 weeks soberity, but one drink and he is slurring his words. He has always drank, but more socially and with business (actually alot of his colleagues are in AA!!! One has been sober for 20 years--*****ooooo for him!!!), now it just seems that he is more obnoxious and rude when he drinks. I don't think he has a problem stopping completely, but I think once he has one drink it is all over. We have been giving him a hard time for a while about his drinking, but this is the first time he has admitted he has a problem and needs help.

I really want to stop obsessing about this and try to go on with my life, I am just wondering how you all go about this (I know it is probably a day by day (or minute by minute thing). I just feel that if I detach myself that is giving up. Is there a way to keep myself sane while still trying to help him.

Thanks again to everyone, I am praying for you all.

Laceejoe

Hi, again!! Just read your post, and I wanted to tell you what "detachment" has meant for me. It doesn't mean "giving up" on someone---it means moving on with our own lives, and giving the alcoholic/addict the space to make their own choices and live with the consequences. When my daughter was due to get out of rehab a few weeks ago, I was scared silly to have her move into my home. She is 31 and has lived alone for many years, and most often has lived hours from me. Since my divorce 14 years ago, I have lived alone---and actually grew to enjoy the solitude (but not the loneliness!!) At my daughter's suggestion, I attended my first Alanon meetings prior to her coming home from rehab---and truly met an Angel on Earth there who seemed to sense how worried I was about my daughter moving in with me. She wanted to talk about "detachment" at that meeting---and I know that it was aimed specifically for me. As I listened to what the others had to say, my heart filled with something that I can't explain----and I truly felt that I would be okay when my daughter came home. I went to work the day after she arrived---and HONESTLY didn't worry that she was doing something she shouldn't. I learned that we each have our own journey to make, and that we each have to make our own daily choices---and live with them. It's worked for me----and hopefully, it will work for you too. You truly need to take care of you, and just pray daily that your father sees what is happening, and that he will seek the help he needs. Please keep coming to the boards, and help us help each other. Lots of love---LACEE