Fine line
 

I have definatley gained acceptance over the last few weeks as this being a disease. I seem to have let go of a lot of anger, and disliking my exabf; this is now being replaced with compassion and understanding for him having a disease called alcoholism. But there seems to be a fine line between compassion and still wanting to rescue, at least for me there is.

The only thing is, is that being a codie, I have a hard time finding the "middle ground." Last time I talked to him he was trying SO hard to sound happy that it just made me feel even more sorry for him, he truly did sound pathetic. I almost found myself saying "call me if you ever need to talk." :slaphead I sometimes still feel the need to control and want to "rescue him," which I'm sure is all normal.

How do I find the middle ground and even balance? Even if I don't talk to him, it's still going on in my head; the urge to "rescue." I guess it would have been wrong to say "call me if you need to talk." He has said that a lot the last few times I've talked to him. He seems to really want this "friendship" type of relationship with me all of a sudden, sometimes I think he still cares and knows what I'm going through with my son and all the pain I feel, but yet at the same time, I know he isn't capable of really caring about me. And NO I'm not going to go there with him, my mind is already made up on that one.

Glad to hear it!

I wonder though - why do you still take his calls? For me...I had to let him go and I had to move on..The 2 times he has called in the past year and left vm..I didn't call him back..Even just hearing his voice busted my serenity..I decided not to cause myself anymore pain so I didn't call him back...

Savana - I used to cry and ask my sponsor "Does he know that I would help him if he called?" Today I don't even think about that..he knows what a loving caring person I am..

For me..I don't waste my time on people who don't want my help..I do however volunteer, mentor and coach people who do want my help..so much easier..

I still have that tendancy to "want to help"...But today I have a voice inside my head that says "did they ask for your help?" If the answer is "yes" they did, then I'll given an opinion or help...

otherwise I'm working real hard on keeping my mouth shut and minding my own business..I have enough to work on in my own life..

I think by remembering he is a complete adult in his own right - being ill doesn't change that. It may seem as though it does but that's where the ground gets dangerous.

We are hard wired (rightly so) to care for children - if we see a child alone with abadly cut leg we are aware we have a responsibility, even if the child does not agree. HOWEVER if we see an adult with a badly cut leg we wouldn't dream of going against their consent.

There are all kinds of grey areas like learning disabilities but over time as a society I think we have begun to leave behind the notion that vulnerable is equal to childlike, that vulnerable should mean a lack of choice for the individual. Okay - that's an extreme example but the same logic holds.

Yes, I believe we all have a responsibility to act with compassion and not act to cause harm but that doesn't make me resposible for another person's fate, nor should it remove their freedom of choice.

The circumstances where it is justified to act against consent are extreme, they involve whether someone is of sound mind but also immediate danger to themselves or others.

Personally I question the sanity of sky diving - I would not willingly leave a functional airoplane mid flight!! It IS a high risk activity but you couldn't restrain an adult against their will, or give them unwanted treatment because sky diving was their hobby!! However you would try to control a child - different standards and with good reason.

Hey - I broke horses for a living for 7 years!! A serious risk to myself but definately MY choice, anyone who'd tried to rescue me from it would have gone through a painful and very doomed experience.

If you remind yourself he is an adult, he has survived to the age he's at, he's deserves to be respected as an adult, hopefully it will help quell any duty you feel to rescue him, without losing the comapssion you have found for him.

Thanks Minx and equus!:)

You know honestly, talking to him is like talking to an eight year old. He never has anything mature to say, constantly lies, and pretty much makes no sense out of what he is saying. His sentences keep going in circles.

I wonder if thats because I've grown and made progress, or is it because he has progressed in his disease? I also find when I think of him, the only part I think of in a positive manner is when he was sober. Before I used to think of him when he was drinking and back then I thought he treated me good. :11:

That, D, is one of the most important questions I have ever seen on here.

Savana - this isn't about what he wants, it's about what you want. What is it that you want from him? And from your life?

Hi Gianna! We must of posted at the same time. You know you have a good point!!! Maybe it's me that wants to be rescued....but then I wouldn't be a true codie though...

You don't have to apologize at all, you don't sound blunt whatsoever. I appreciate the insight!

You know at one time he did rescue me, then he started drinking again, and thats when I kicked him out. Part of me wants him to rescue me again...

But I have to also say, he helped me get through the rough issues the last few years with my son. He encouraged me and supported me, he took a lot of what AA taught him and then applied it to my situation, back then he was a very good man! I was very fortunate to be loved like that..It's just so hard now knowing he is out there...lost, drunk, and destroying himself, as I know he has so so much potential.

I bet folks here could fill volumes on how much potential their A has/had.. I could say quite a bit about my ex, but what's the point? No matter how many times you come back around to the same conclusion, it's always the same conclusion. What a sad waste. Frankly I grew tired of spinning my wheels. I needed to move forward. There's nothing for me back there...

I got over rescuing my AH by constantly telling myself, "If he wants help, he'll ask for it." He didn't ask, I won't offer.

Now when he talks, I simply respond with "I understand." or "I hear ya." At first I felt like I was being rude...but i got over it :)

Not much on words for some reason, but I wanted to share.

Hi Savana,

Honey,....I love ya, I truly do. But, I see you flip flopping with your posts. First, you want him back, then you don't know, then...yeah, he is a little kid back to still feeling the need to rescue him.

Someone wise once told me that the ones that feel they need to rescue others, really are the ones that need the rescuing themselves.

I understand your loss............boy, do I!! At one time, both my kids left home and moved hundreds of miles away to college and a recording career. I didn't get to see them or talk to them for long periods in between. My ex abusive H used to always use my kids as pawns to hurt me and even though we had joint custody, he'd make himself judge and jury and decide when the kids should talk to me. He's now a 48 yr old LONELY man who never remarried and still calls the kids every day and they're 24 and 26!!! I talk to my kids alot now and we have a great relationship. They get annoyed with their Dad with not cutting the apron strings and the control thing.

It all comes full circle, Savana. Your son will someday wanna be with you and you'll be there for him. Hang on to that Hope.

You don't need A's in your life!!! They're self-centered, very draining, never gonna truly love anybody cuz they can't....kinda people. There are people out there that aren't A's. When you start feeling better about you.....you'll get to pick more healthier companions.

Do something for you, seriously. Something to pick you up and feel good about it even if it's a class, a group at church, sport activity........something. We don't have a guaranteed tomorrow. So, we need to do it today.

((hugs))

personally,im kinda thinkin that savana will let go,when she is ready to let go. for each of us,it is different time spans due to different circumstances. and just how far we let go,is too,another personal decision.
i clearly remember when i broke up with my ex, and he was still calling me-not often,but once in awhile,still talking to me on the computer once in awhile,still calling me the sweetie kind of names and asking for hugs when we ran into each other.....and it not only bothered me, but worried me wondering how hurt he was gonna be if i found someone else. little did i know,he would find someone first!! even though we all know very well,rebound relationships are no good at all...that is one of the circumstances that can make a big difference here. in all reality, now that time has gone by, i know it was the BEST thing that could have happened for me.......so that i had no reason to get sucked back in.had no choice but to stay away and it let him stay away too. and now enough time has passed that i feel so much healthier about the whole thing. ive been thinking about how much i learned about myself by my reactions to so many things in and out of this relationship.
i cant say never to anything anymore. cant say i wouldnt pick up the phone. cant say i would. but i DO know that i can feel and see how much i have grown, and im pretty sure that i will make wiser decisions in how i handle MY side of any relationship now. and as far as my ex goes, it feels good to me to be able to feel good about him again....just in a different way.

I don't think I've ever said I wanted him back...

I just feel like I've suffered so many losses in such a short period of time. I'm afraid to let totally go, but I think I have. I know in my head I could never go back with him.

I think some of it too, is I'm having a hard time financially.

I just miss the old, sober him; not who he is today, and that person is nothing but a drunk that only cares about himself. I'm not intersted in someone that treats me that way. So yes, I've made a little progress...just flip flopping around sometimes..

Savana.....even though your post is focused on your ex ....I still see progress here.
It is certainly a better post than the last few have been, as far as your recovery goes.
I understand how you feel completely.
If there is one thing that I totally know for sure it is this.....
Don't pick up the phone.
Every time I do it knocks me back a few hundred yards, and I have to crawl my way back again.
It serves no purpose to answer those calls.
The only person profitting is the ex, he is reassured of his place in our hearts.
No matter how the call ends up, they know they still have us.
Why do I say they still have us....
Because we answered the phone.
If we stopped picking up that little device eventually they would "get it."
As I see it they have 2 options at that point.
1. Leave us alone
2. Get healthy and fight to get us back
If they really love us they will choose option 2.
If they don't love us or themselves they will continue to call for validation and if we continue to answer the nightmare goes on for us.
Just the way I view the whole thing, as it is still happening in my life.
On really bad days I pick up, those are the days I really need not to.
I am rambling....my point is and has always been ....you are making progress, you just have bad days like we all do. Keep on keepin on Savana....you know,
Progress not perfection.....(((Savana)))

Thanks Gianna and Patty!! :hug:

I'm not sure what is going on with me, the whole thing with rescuing and my son?

Most of the time I spent with exabf was when he was sober. The time before he got sober, I didn't know he was an alcoholic, and when he started drinking again, I really detached from him and we slept in seperate rooms for three months. Then he went out on the road, and we sort of got back together, it's just I didn't have to see him, and didn't really know he was drinking, as he could lie very easily over the phone and I never really knew.

So I guess I'm lucky that the majority of the time was spent with him being sober. That's what I remember the most. Oh well, either way he's destroying himself, and when I think about it, its just so strange he is now a full blown A. I can't believe thats what broke us apart, never thought he would go back to that lifestyle, as he truly cherished his sobriety.

Oh well I'm just rambling on here. I'll shut up now..

Awww hon,

I know it's hard! We've all flip flopped. I did for a long time and even still to this day, I'm wondering what the heck I really was to xabf (in his mind). A Mom? A future wife? A babysitter?

I didn't mean to hurt ya in anyway and I apologize if I did. You have lost alot in a short period of time and MAN, can I relate to that. It feels like (for me, n'ways) I've lost it all. All my family......all my hope and reason. It's tough to start over again without the key role models in your life. You feel all alone.

I've told people that I felt like an orphan at age 42. Both my parents were gone. There was nobody left that remembered my birth. My most inner being, whom I really was and then I realized that God did! He knew me before I was born.

Then, I start to venture out there in the world feeling alone and vulnerable, making total decisions on my own and being judged for them. If I can just get to the point to where I listen to MY inner voice and block out the negatives that people tell me.......then, I'd be doing fine.

I feel like if I get married again someday, I'll be judged cuz I've been married/divorced twice. I feel like if someday I may live with someone, I'll be judged because we're not married. People can't understand why I divorced my 2nd husband after 15 years because he was "so nice". Yeah, but we stopped communicating and he wanted a different future then I did. They don't know that and they don't need to know that. I'm not gonna call down my ex......why should I? We're still great friends. I appreciate advice to the max. It's the "that's not right" thing that bugs me. It's my life.

And, Savana, it's your life, too. So you gotta listen to that inner voice of your own. Maybe you'll fall again, maybe you want, but atleast you're strong enough to pull yourself back up, learn from it and move on.

I'm proud of ya, sweetheart! ((hugs))

Patty, do you think that's really possible? To get healthy and fight to get us back? Has that ever happened for anyone here on SR? I'd be curious to see if it has.

Because, the A's have got to get healthy within themselves first before they can ever love anyone else.

My xabf would always tell me..."when I get out of here in a year, hopefully I'll be a better me and I know that I will still love you. Even more then than I do now. I want to spend thee rest of my life with you". That sounds awesome, but I can't hang onto that because I can't trust it. I have to see it.

*sorry for the threadjack, Savana!*

Thanks GF! :) Sounds like you have suffered many losses as well; for that I'm so sorry. ((((GF))))

You know I don't feel like anyone's daughter or mother. I feel like what is my purpose here on this planet?

It seems like everytime I try and rebuild, a major crises destroys everything. The loss of my son is the worst of them all. Losing my mother to cancer doesn't compare at all to losing him. Although it may only be temporary, these last few years without knowing if he is alright has been pure hell..

What did him and I do to deserve this? All that I can do is survive and learn from my past mistakes, so I can be there for him if he ever needs me when he is old enough to leave his abusive, cultish father's house. I think knowing he is out there somewhere and may need me someday, is the only thing keeping me going.

Hey Savana.. your user title got screwed up. It use to say let go or be dragged. Your keyboard broken or somthing?