I understand more what happens at the beginning of stopping the drug addiction
 

I had a most meaningful talk with my therapist today. I forgot how we got on the subject, but she mentioned how alcoholics (or any drug) makes a person stop maturing at the point they start using, just as everyone has said on here before but I never understood it. She explained it to me and man understanding it helps me a lot, I feel like my heart is healing faster by understanding.

She explained it to me, said when you have a problem or emotional issues, you mature by learning to deal with them and resolving them or talk through them with your partner if thats the case. But for drug addicts, instead of resolving them, they resort to their drug of choice and feel better and hope it just goes away but it never does. Any bitterness they may have had against their significant other or any issues they have just gets buried in the hearts and it adds up.

So when they stop drinking, they all of a sudden have to face all of it, not to mention all the bitterness / anger they held back from letting significant others know about arises and thus it explains why a lot of people who just stop drinking face great hardship not just to kill the addiction of drugs, but facing reality of what theyve buried for so many years. Thus any anger they had towards you (or me specifically) can arise at that time and all hell breaks loose and everything blows up.

It helped me to understand why my ex seemed so crazy when she stopped, it also helped me understand the dry drunk phase, and it also helped me understand its not necessarily cause I was bad to her or that she didnt love me, its just her way of handling feelings has completly changed and she doenst know how to handle it, not to mention, she has a lot of hidden feelings supressed deeply that are all arising now and no drugs to make it go away temporarily. It helped me understand why people tend to be pretty messy at the initial stages of recovery, the sleeping round in the rehab I saw or lack of care for entire families.

She went on to say its common for recoverying alcoholics to say what the hell, I stopped drinking and life is hard, it was better when I was drinking and go back to drinking.

Anyways, she did say this was why EARLY stages of recovery people feel this way, which implied if they can make it through these hard times of recovery for both the drugs and emotionally maturing over time, they are going to be just fnie.

I hope my ex is doing great, I feel less hurt knowing this info, thought I'd share.

Best wishes always

Exactamundo!!

Glad to hear you're getting some good explanations from your T.

CM - I also heard that from folks at the last rehab center. It struck a nerve w/ right away b/c it exlpained a lot of behavior I was seeing during the relationship. I saw first hand the emotional equivalent of a teenager in an adults body! God my head was SO swimming back then... There was so much I just could not understand.

that all makes a lot of sense to me too. Sort of explains why I feel like there are 3 kids in the house sometimes.

Thanks for that, it was good reading!

J
xxx

Exactly, Bohookie, I have said the same thing before too. I've told my H before I'm your wife not your mother! He may be 54 but sometimes he just doesn't act it. Kerry

:) yeah, my eldest has come out of the surly, moody thing (almost) - he'll be 16 in February. Unfortunately I have one ready to go into it at nearly 13 and yes, sometimes my partner just seems like she'll never come out of it!
I'm finding that reclaiming the Jane that used to be is helping so much; shifts my perspective.

J
xxx

Thanks
 

Thanks Codemaster...it helps me to understand why my wife is self destructing. What a mess!

code - sounds like you are feeling comfortable with your therapist. thanks for sharing!

The "bad" counselor that I ended up dropping also said this, and he used the term "arrested development," that their development had been arrested by their addiction and that they never matured emotionally beyond that point.

Glad to hear that your getting along well with the T.... good for you!

I SO understand this... my ex-abf always did things that were out of the teenage years... orginally I found it enduring ... like he was really intouch with his little boy... He was always goofing off, at 42 doing extreem dirtbike riding (no insurance) .... it took awhile for it to dawn on me that he was not intouch with his little boy, he was the little boy.

One day driving home I get a call from him, he is fighting with my daughter then 15, and they were acting the same.... exactally the same. Its weird looking back on it.

CodeMaster -

I first witnessed this when my kid was in one of her rehabs. They brought the adult patients over from the adult building and the youth from the youth building and the other parents/family were delayed.... so I found myself in a room filled with addicts/alcoholics of all ages.

It felt like I had walked into an eight grade classroom... even though half the patients were "adults" - they were all laughing, flirting, acting out.... if they had shot spitwads, I would not have been surprised.

I have also picked up on this at some AA meetings - depending upon how much long-term recovery there is around the table. It is what it is...

Hey Code...damned proud that you're continuing with therapy.

My son was and still is very involved with his music. He started at 11 and totally committed himself to it. Never went out, never partied, never got into sports. Basically, there was a period of about 8 years during which he never acted like a teenager. Now at 25, his mentality can be that of a pain in the arse 13 year old. Other times he can be very mature.

So I do have to agree with what your therapist said. And I also have to add, that it is supposed to get better. Waiting....

I'm also glad to hear you are learning so much from your counseling!

I can relate as well! Exabf's mentality level is that of a 15 year old. Many times it was hard to have a mature conversation with him. Everything to him was nothing but a big joke and of course now him and his friends make fun of AA.

Hey yeah I told my therapist the resort to drugs to solve problems explains a lot, I've had arguments with my ex several times asking her to open up to me and lets sit down and talk cause I believe open communication is important to getting problems resolved, but she would never do it and just stared away watching tv and it always drove me nutz. I think now I understand why, its cause she would rather drink it away then face it and that explains that.

At least it helps me understand how "real" alcohol dependancy can be, as funny as it sounds its still unreal to me sometimes, but understanding it like this is allowing me to understand.

I remember once I said I wanted to do drugs / alcohol a lot cause I wanted to understand what goes through a mind of a extreme alcoholic, I know its crazy, its not something I would really do, but I did seek to understand it and I think I'm just scratching the surface from everyones great insight.

Its also so interesting to hear others related experience on this topic, makes me feel like I'm not crazy.

I've thought the exact same thing.

Thanks for sharing.

ps....I had an 32 year old son - now how did that happen, I'm only 31 :) I'm so glad I cut the cord and am now allowing him to grow up.

It also numbs the person to feelings and that is why it is difficult(but not impossible!) for the alcoholic/addict to stay sober--all the pain comes up.

Hey RRecovery, thats very true, I remember my ex saying so many times she feels numb. I guess that made it easier for her to not care for me. Its all good though, I know it was alcoholism.