Remind me....
 

...why I don't want to call him.

This will be the third night in a row I have not talked to my AH. I have no reason to call him but my urge is growing stronger.

Your urge for what Jess?
Think it all the way through.
There is a reason that you're not calling him, yeah?
Sometimes we need to put distance on a relationship because it is not serving our highest purpose.
Now, quit thinking about calling him and go do something nice for you. :D

The urge to call him.

It floors me that he don't call to see how I am or how the kids are. I think I'm feeling a little sad that he hasn't called. But then again, that is how he is and I shouldn't expect anything more. He may not be calling me b/c he's waiting for me to call him. But I don't want to call him b/c I know that when I do call him I only get frustrated...b/c I don't get the reaction I was hoping for, or b/c he's drinking, or "venting" to me about how he has no money, no electric, blah blah blah (should I feel bad for him-cause I don't?). The conversations are usually one sided...me doing most of the talking. I'm tired of trying to hold on to something that was never there in the first place. Which is what I think I was doing when I (use to) obsess about all this stuff.

shew....I'm okay, really :) Thank you Gabe.

I'm going to get my kids in bed and call it a night.

think peaceful thoughts jess and have a quiet night!

sounds like youve tripped over your forgetter button......

floors you? He is a sick alcoholic who lives in self centerednedd..did you forget?

Did you forget all the broken promises?

Did you forget that alcohol comes first and foremost?

Did you forget that alcoholism is more powerful that you? and him?

if you did forget....its ok,,,,we all do....just dont forget this....you are ok,,and gonna get thru this night,,,,one 60 seconds at a time!

Yeah....I did. Wishful thinking, I guess. Thanks FOB.

Chris...It's raining here right now, I'm going to crawl in bed and watch the news. Then I'm done for the night.

I know this will be harder tomorrow. I just gotta keep on keeping on.

Keep reminding me though cause I don't want to start walking backwards.

jess - it's pouring down here too, but it's kind of soothing listening to the rain - let your mind rest and listen to the rain and have sweet dreams. we'll be here to remind you and know that you'll do the same for us!

My suggestion - go get the book "It's Called a Break-Up because It's Broken"! It'll help put it all in perspective. I promise. And.....it'll make you laugh as well!

You can do this!

(((Jess)))

You know, perhaps he's not calling because that's what he would have done anyway, you just didn't give him the chance to show you because you called him all the time.

I'll give you an example of what I mean. My ex has a 13 year old son who lives with his mother at the other end of the UK. Before our relationship, he didn't see him very often. I thought this was outrageous (pre-recovery, you understand) and basically made sure that visits were made and paid for etc. He told me that he was so grateful for reminding him how great it was to be spend time with his son and I really thought I had made a difference. This year, he has had him visit for 4 weeks in the summer (usual arrangement), but as far as I am aware, has made no other effort to go and see him. That's his default position but I enabled him to portray himself as a loving, caring father. His family said how much he had changed since he met me blah, blah, blah, but he hasn't - he was just riding on my coat-tails.

To me, that is what detachment is all about. Unless we detach, we cannot see anyone's true colours.

Minnie: Thank you. I am noticing all the subtle enabling I have done and still am doing.........this really helps me understand more clearly what is and isn't enabling.

Jess: I understand your feelings.......thanks for posting this; I need the reminders,too. It is hard; makes me feel like some out-of-control teeny-bopper somedays. (Only I had much better boundaries back then.)
You sound as if you are doing great sticking to keeping your boundaries.

'nuff said!

My wife
 

My wife is acting the same way. She has not seen the kids in three days, yet she is staying just a few blocks fron our house. I feel like I should call her, help keep her grounded in reality.

I have to let go...I'm not sure who this person is anymore....

Hope you had a good nights sleep hon!

Guy, you know its probably ok for the kids not to have to deal with forced visits too

At times like that, it can be helpful to pray for the obsession to be lifted...

It worked for me!


(a day at a time, of course...)

Why do I feel like it's up to ME to call HIM?

The only reason I want to call is to see why he hasn't called. And I KNOW if I ask him that question, he'd say "Why didn't you call me?" He'd turn it around on me. And I'd say, "I was waiting for you to call me." ugh....

This is so frustrating. I don't want to look like the bad person for not calling, but I feel like I AM being the bad person....my issue, right?

I'm NOT going to call. I'm NOT going to call. I'm NOT going to call.

When/if he does call, I will NOT ask the question. I will NOT ask the question. I will NOT ask the question.


I know darn well why he hasn't called. He has no electric therefore he's been hanging out at his "buddy's" or the bar (he'd tell me he's been sleeping alot). I'm not even going to ask.

Hon, hon, hon. It seems to me like your expectations are taking over your life. Based on past behaviour, what will your hubby do (or not do) now that he is drinking again? Can you make a list of what really happens, rather than keeping a mental list of what you wish would happen?

And please read my post again. Let hubby show his true colours, because that is the only way I could move on in my mind.

Do you really think that's what's going on right now? I mean, I haven't called and I won't call, but do you think this is his true colors or do you think he could be waiting for me to call.

I'm confused. I am letting go, but I'm confused. Maybe I'm still a little clouded. I guess I just never thought he'd be so.....distant.

I am taking it one day at a time. I'm going to wait to see what happens next and I'm not going to call.

Am I confusing my expectations with reality?

Oye....I just read my last post and it sounds like I'm freaking out. I'm really not. I'm totally fine with all this. Just trying to figure it all out and make it make sense...ya know?

This is my take:

If he is waiting for your call, then that is game-playing. If you are waiting for HIS call, then that is part of the same game. If either of you want to speak to each other, then just speak. What's the problem?

True colours are how you behave when there is no pressure to conform from anyone else. If you let him be, you will be seeing where his priorities lie. Could be in drinking, could be in emotional manipulation, could be in recovery, who knows. Until you let him be who he is, then you will never know. Maybe you don't want to know?

I don't think he wants to be reminded of "reality" when he is in the midst of his disease. I really think A's lose track of time when they start drinking.

Ok Jess, I'm not going to sugar coat anything, and given the facts that I know of what you've posted on SR, here is my thoughts.

1. He's probably not calling because he's drinking.
2. You remind him all to much of reality and HIS responsibilties of being a father.
3. I could be wrong, but if he tells you he's waiting for you to call, I think he's lying, to make himself look better in your eyes.

He is showing his true colors!! Remember actions speak louder then words!! He's showing you HIS actions by not calling.