I Feel So Stupid?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: California
Posts: 12
I Feel So Stupid?
I feel so stupid, and you guys are probably all right, and down deep inside I know it myself as well, probably I just want to blind fold myself, and I am. You could only do so much for a person and I topped that, big time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
This is a hard post to reply to because I don't know whether it's about her, you or an event.
I went back and had a very quick look at some of your previous posts to try and get some idea. The only thing that sprang out at me was your perception of her, sometimes as like a child, sometimes as needing endless attention and postives, sometimes as unwilling and here maybe as a disappointment.
My only suggestion would be to try and get a more stable and realistic perception, try to avoid seeing her with childlike innocence or childlike needs, and avoid feeling like she's tricked you and is totally selfish or bad (that's rarely true about anyone).
What she is, is an adult, we are all complete (including her) despite the mountains of stuff we have yet to learn, we are all unique, we all have flaws, we all have strengths, we have all survived to reach the age we're at, and we're all capable of choices.
Saying the above doesn't mean stay or leave, I think a level percpetion is good either way. Just try to see a warning sign when your perception departs from reality - in reality she IS an ADULT, in reality she DOES have strengths and qualities, in reality she WILL have flaws and things still to learn.
I'm saying all of this blinfolded because there ain't alot of info here!! Let it go over you if it's just plain wrong, I don't have a whole barrel of confidence in it myself.
Take care - and a little more info might help...
I went back and had a very quick look at some of your previous posts to try and get some idea. The only thing that sprang out at me was your perception of her, sometimes as like a child, sometimes as needing endless attention and postives, sometimes as unwilling and here maybe as a disappointment.
My only suggestion would be to try and get a more stable and realistic perception, try to avoid seeing her with childlike innocence or childlike needs, and avoid feeling like she's tricked you and is totally selfish or bad (that's rarely true about anyone).
What she is, is an adult, we are all complete (including her) despite the mountains of stuff we have yet to learn, we are all unique, we all have flaws, we all have strengths, we have all survived to reach the age we're at, and we're all capable of choices.
Saying the above doesn't mean stay or leave, I think a level percpetion is good either way. Just try to see a warning sign when your perception departs from reality - in reality she IS an ADULT, in reality she DOES have strengths and qualities, in reality she WILL have flaws and things still to learn.
I'm saying all of this blinfolded because there ain't alot of info here!! Let it go over you if it's just plain wrong, I don't have a whole barrel of confidence in it myself.
Take care - and a little more info might help...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hold it!!!,Your by no mean stupid.Ya did the very best that you can do in da moment.Its up to you only to decide to take what others say or leave it.Personally i dont believe in the right way/wrong way.I look at things i do as is it effective,working/is it not effective not working in my life.{learned this from my mentor..smile}Thing about helping another is that i really dont know how to help unless i ask them how,i can help.A few years ago another was trying to help me,when i was in trouble.And ya know ,it wasnt how they were helping me,it was that at that time i didnt have the courage to tell them,that im, feeling more harm than good,with their help.They really believed that they had the answers to my life,still do actually.lol.Today i can say,,no,and mean it.I blamed them for making my issues worse.,and putting so much pressure on me,to be more like them.But,it wasnt their fault.its my responsibility to say no,thanks,and i didnt back then.From this experience today i ask,another how can i be helpful to you,do you want my help?People know their needs.Sometimes its just that i can listen to another.Sometimes another wants me to share,my ES&H.I to use to give out advice,because i thought i was being helpful,with my expectation that naturally they would follow my advice.When they didnt i was pissed.But everyone makes up their own mind and heart in the end.I didnt know this before.Ive met some folks who are very low energy,and negitive,type.These are my lables ive put on them.I dont know whats really going on inside.But i dont try to encourage them movitate them,unless they ask me.,to and they are wanting to change.Their decision.If they are content,i live and let live.And its ok if i dont understand them.I need to work on my lables that ive unnecessaarly,put on them.Theres the problem...smile...
Thanks for letting me share,my ES&H..
Keep on,keeping on.
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me share,my ES&H..
Keep on,keeping on.
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: California
Posts: 12
equus,
I thank you for trying to understand and taking the time to look back at my other postings to king of understand what exactly I was talking about. But in no moment did I say that my gfriend I expect her to be perfect with no flaws at all or that she was selfish or bad. Who am I to expect a person to be perfect when there is no such thing as a perfect person. The bottom line is that really no one understands, when I say she's like a little girl or that I want to be her father figure. "Way Way Off"! What I will do is just not say that anymore, because obviously it's been taken in a wrong way.But thanks any way,I still appreciate the input and advice.
Cap3: Thank You as well, I will take what you have written and really analyze it and myself.We all have are own and personal ways in wiewing things and this is just one of those.
I thank you for trying to understand and taking the time to look back at my other postings to king of understand what exactly I was talking about. But in no moment did I say that my gfriend I expect her to be perfect with no flaws at all or that she was selfish or bad. Who am I to expect a person to be perfect when there is no such thing as a perfect person. The bottom line is that really no one understands, when I say she's like a little girl or that I want to be her father figure. "Way Way Off"! What I will do is just not say that anymore, because obviously it's been taken in a wrong way.But thanks any way,I still appreciate the input and advice.
Cap3: Thank You as well, I will take what you have written and really analyze it and myself.We all have are own and personal ways in wiewing things and this is just one of those.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hon, I'm sorry that you feel that no-one understands. Perhaps if you gave us more information it would help.
You see, when you post something like
I, for one, can't help but think that it's what one might do for a child and that's why I mentioned it. Can you see that?
You see, when you post something like
Originally Posted by Patience1
Hello, everyone it's been a while since I've written. Just so much has happened, with my gfriend and I.But just for now I'll tell about a little thing that I begun doing for the past two weeks.I bought a blank calender and I filled it out myself, and with a booklet of stickers that I already had, I started to help encourage my gfriend with her drinking.For example if she does not drink for the whole day she'll get a sticker with a big happy sunshine, if she drinks 1 beer she'll get a sticker with the sun hiding behind some clouds, if she drinks 2 beers then she'll get a sticker with an umbrella covering from the rain, and finally if she drinks 3 or more beers she'll get a sticker with clouds and thunder blowing.But if she gets happy sun stickers for one full week she'll get a prize (somewhere she probably wants to eat and has been craving or some other thing of her choice.) So far she hasn't made it yet she only made it to 4 days, but she keeps trying and that's really the important thing, and that definitely encourages her (as least so far?)Will just have to wait and see.Give it a try, and hopefully it could work for you too. Remember (It could be any kind of sticker, the thing is not to give up!)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
This is all about her taking responsibility for herself. As long as you have the sticker board, you function as her conscience. As long as you are functioning, willingly or unwillingly, as her conscience (life manager) then she will always be in the child's role. I think all adults can agree that moving back in with mom and dad and being taken care of looked appealing at one time or another. Three squares, no rent, and no pressure -- sounds good to me today, too! I'm sure that's not what you intended but that is the end result. Part of this is due to society's old style model where the big strong man took care of his little, helpless damsel. People do what they were taught how to do. But I digress................
That's not stupidity. That is just a life skill that needs to be learned in order to untangle what's going on in your lives, together and apart. View her as an adult and able to stand alone without you. View yourself as a complete person without her and change *will* happen. If 2 people are sitting in a lifeboat and one moves, the other one must move or the boat will tip over.
That's not stupidity. That is just a life skill that needs to be learned in order to untangle what's going on in your lives, together and apart. View her as an adult and able to stand alone without you. View yourself as a complete person without her and change *will* happen. If 2 people are sitting in a lifeboat and one moves, the other one must move or the boat will tip over.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Patience1,
The thing about putting yourself out there, like you have here, is that not everyone is going to agree...or even listen for that matter. The most important thing that you have done is reach out and that is far from stupid in my book. These boards by their very nature are full of some less than healthy people. There are also people who in the first blush of recovery want to take others with them whether they want to go or not...been there.
The most important thing is to be teachable. It's not about the details, it's about the concepts. Grasping that the only person we can ever really control is ourselves is a huge concept. In the beginning, I for one, had to try everything I could think of...and fail...before I could stop the trying.
You are suffering or would not have come here. If this place doesn't feel safe then find a place that does. My place was Al Anon...they scooped up this broken woman and put her back together.
((Hugs))
The thing about putting yourself out there, like you have here, is that not everyone is going to agree...or even listen for that matter. The most important thing that you have done is reach out and that is far from stupid in my book. These boards by their very nature are full of some less than healthy people. There are also people who in the first blush of recovery want to take others with them whether they want to go or not...been there.
The most important thing is to be teachable. It's not about the details, it's about the concepts. Grasping that the only person we can ever really control is ourselves is a huge concept. In the beginning, I for one, had to try everything I could think of...and fail...before I could stop the trying.
You are suffering or would not have come here. If this place doesn't feel safe then find a place that does. My place was Al Anon...they scooped up this broken woman and put her back together.
((Hugs))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
