I'm new and wondering about alcoholic behavior
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Westminster, Colorado
Posts: 6
I'm new and wondering about alcoholic behavior
Hello Everyone:
I'm new, and had questions about behavior I don't understand. I'm not sure which thread to go to.....
I began a good relationship with a man a bit ago, and we seemed to connect very well. It developed kind of quickly in many ways, and I trusted him. I believed him to be sincere about his feelings.
But I saw, and stupidly ignored, little hints that something may be up with his 'Beer', but didn't think it was a problem (okay, maybe my intuition thought it might be...but I had been with a musician for 14 yrs and am used to things like this).....
But then last week, something happened, and although he told me most of the details I'm sure, all I know is that he got arrested....and it brought everything to a head.
I then found out that he's been depressed for awhile (which I didn't see because he was always so happy when we were together, like I was), and has been drinking, and he believes he's got a problem with alcohol and depression. I think he began drinking because he was depressed, and they became a vicious cycle feeding off each other.
The things is, all last week his behavior jumped around from saying he didn't want to lose me or me to go anywhere, to telling me on an instant message(!) that he can't see or talk to me for now and not to wait for him. Then he kept sending me a few more messages, and when I answered he says something like "you just don't quit..." and became angry.
I'm not sure about whether to completely go away, or wait for a week or so and gently contact him....I don't know what to expect or how to react to his behavior because I'm not finding any info on the net about this.
I'm worried because he was having dangerous thoughts last week....it's upsetting to me because (i know this sounds selfish) I thought that if I made him as happy as he said and he felt the way that he said he did, then perhaps he wouldn't want me to disappear and would want me to still love him.
Or were all the things he said to me (even when he wasn't drunk) not to be believed? Was everything a lie?
I know everybody says "RUN!", but I promised him I wouldn't do that....and I keep my promises.
Anybody have any suggestions?
Thank you
I'm new, and had questions about behavior I don't understand. I'm not sure which thread to go to.....
I began a good relationship with a man a bit ago, and we seemed to connect very well. It developed kind of quickly in many ways, and I trusted him. I believed him to be sincere about his feelings.
But I saw, and stupidly ignored, little hints that something may be up with his 'Beer', but didn't think it was a problem (okay, maybe my intuition thought it might be...but I had been with a musician for 14 yrs and am used to things like this).....
But then last week, something happened, and although he told me most of the details I'm sure, all I know is that he got arrested....and it brought everything to a head.
I then found out that he's been depressed for awhile (which I didn't see because he was always so happy when we were together, like I was), and has been drinking, and he believes he's got a problem with alcohol and depression. I think he began drinking because he was depressed, and they became a vicious cycle feeding off each other.
The things is, all last week his behavior jumped around from saying he didn't want to lose me or me to go anywhere, to telling me on an instant message(!) that he can't see or talk to me for now and not to wait for him. Then he kept sending me a few more messages, and when I answered he says something like "you just don't quit..." and became angry.
I'm not sure about whether to completely go away, or wait for a week or so and gently contact him....I don't know what to expect or how to react to his behavior because I'm not finding any info on the net about this.
I'm worried because he was having dangerous thoughts last week....it's upsetting to me because (i know this sounds selfish) I thought that if I made him as happy as he said and he felt the way that he said he did, then perhaps he wouldn't want me to disappear and would want me to still love him.
Or were all the things he said to me (even when he wasn't drunk) not to be believed? Was everything a lie?
I know everybody says "RUN!", but I promised him I wouldn't do that....and I keep my promises.
Anybody have any suggestions?
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ouch..... I would be one of the ones to tell you to run I guess... but I wont cuz its not my place.
The only suggestion is getting a support group around you... Al-anon is a good place to go and learn all you can. I do understand that you gave you word, and you keep your promises ... but honestly, Im not sure if you really understand what you promised. This is normal behavior for an A that is for sure. My ex told me how much he loved me, always has and asked if we had a chance and within 24 hours told me he has always loved his ex-wife and no one since, and this is when he was about 6 months sober... they are just really confused about everything. It does not mean they are lying all the time about how they feel (tho they do that too and are good at it) it just means they dont have a clue what they feel.
Welcome to SR... I can say people here really do understand where your coming from and can give you some support.
The only suggestion is getting a support group around you... Al-anon is a good place to go and learn all you can. I do understand that you gave you word, and you keep your promises ... but honestly, Im not sure if you really understand what you promised. This is normal behavior for an A that is for sure. My ex told me how much he loved me, always has and asked if we had a chance and within 24 hours told me he has always loved his ex-wife and no one since, and this is when he was about 6 months sober... they are just really confused about everything. It does not mean they are lying all the time about how they feel (tho they do that too and are good at it) it just means they dont have a clue what they feel.
Welcome to SR... I can say people here really do understand where your coming from and can give you some support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Westminster, Colorado
Posts: 6
Thank you Cynay! (did I spell that right?)
Sigh.....I guess I'm just so new to this. I keep kicking myself now that I got involved with him....and wondering why THIS of all things was brought into my life. I've been trying so hard this last week to let go of him, but each time I think I have, I wake up with these feelings of missing him and anxiety because I know something is going wrong for him again (once I connect with somebody I can actuelly "feel" them....it's one of those flaky,psychic things).....and remembering the love I had already felt for him.
Maybe I need to go thru the fire a bit before I 'get it', huh?
Maybe I just need to work on my problems, because don't we all have 'em. But I'm so hurt over him.
It just didn't make sense to me that he would so coldly shut me out just hours after he said he didn't want me to bail. Why would you not want a person who loves and cares for you by your side when you're hurting?
That's when I figure he must have been lying about how he felt about me, and wants nothing more to do with me.
Gosh, what a mind-game I'm playing.
Sigh.....I guess I'm just so new to this. I keep kicking myself now that I got involved with him....and wondering why THIS of all things was brought into my life. I've been trying so hard this last week to let go of him, but each time I think I have, I wake up with these feelings of missing him and anxiety because I know something is going wrong for him again (once I connect with somebody I can actuelly "feel" them....it's one of those flaky,psychic things).....and remembering the love I had already felt for him.
Maybe I need to go thru the fire a bit before I 'get it', huh?
Maybe I just need to work on my problems, because don't we all have 'em. But I'm so hurt over him.
It just didn't make sense to me that he would so coldly shut me out just hours after he said he didn't want me to bail. Why would you not want a person who loves and cares for you by your side when you're hurting?
That's when I figure he must have been lying about how he felt about me, and wants nothing more to do with me.
Gosh, what a mind-game I'm playing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hi and Welcome to SR.....
You know what I had the same problem with my exA too. He said go, then stay, then go, very confusing. The first thing he told me was to go, that he wasn't any good for me, that he had problems that I didn't deserve. He WAS telling the truth then, I just chose not to listen. When I didn't go away, he would go back and forth between go and stay attitudes. I should have listened to him in the begining, you see alcoholics don't always lie, we just don't listen.
This probably doesn't help you much right now. Please read as many posts as you can, you will find stories much like yours.
You know what I had the same problem with my exA too. He said go, then stay, then go, very confusing. The first thing he told me was to go, that he wasn't any good for me, that he had problems that I didn't deserve. He WAS telling the truth then, I just chose not to listen. When I didn't go away, he would go back and forth between go and stay attitudes. I should have listened to him in the begining, you see alcoholics don't always lie, we just don't listen.
This probably doesn't help you much right now. Please read as many posts as you can, you will find stories much like yours.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Mimbre- Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of people here that have "been there, done that". I can tell you I spent countless hours trying to reverse engineer my exAW's thought process and make sense of comments made. I finally figured out I was dealing with a "not so healthy mind", and I was wasting my time trying to "understand" at the depth I wanted to. Keep posting and read the sticky notes at the top of the forum.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Heck... in the begining ... my story about how he would push and pull was very close... All I can say is that untill he wants to get better it will only get MUCH worse.
BUT from the sounds of it you might want to put the focus back on you.... why do you want to help someone that does not want to be helped? Why are you questioning the whys of how he feels instead of accepting it for what it really is. Patty is right, read as much as you can and look at what happens when you dont take the focus off them and place it where it should be.... on you.
I understand what your talking about when you say you can "feel" them, only a thought but if you have not already learned ... you might want to focus on the block of feeling. This might be Gods way of developing you is all, that might be the why of what your looking for.... my sponsor calls it spiritual sandpaper... being you have not been in the relationship that long it might just be a wake up call for you to look at yourself and work on you
BUT from the sounds of it you might want to put the focus back on you.... why do you want to help someone that does not want to be helped? Why are you questioning the whys of how he feels instead of accepting it for what it really is. Patty is right, read as much as you can and look at what happens when you dont take the focus off them and place it where it should be.... on you.
I understand what your talking about when you say you can "feel" them, only a thought but if you have not already learned ... you might want to focus on the block of feeling. This might be Gods way of developing you is all, that might be the why of what your looking for.... my sponsor calls it spiritual sandpaper... being you have not been in the relationship that long it might just be a wake up call for you to look at yourself and work on you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus Ga
Posts: 68
Mimbre,
How ya doin'? If I didn't know better I would have sworn that I wrote your post myself. My SO also made me promise not to leave him so I hung in there. This is the sticky though .... It did get much, MUCH worse. I believe my A didn't like himself a whole lot and since I liked him he figured there must be something wrong with me. I had pressure from his family because 'He tried so hard'. I 'felt' him and knew that he loved me at least the part of him that didn't hate me for loving HIM.
Where we are right now, I can't say. I have in no uncertain terms told him that I WIL NOT deal with him as he is. The next step in his recovery is his choice to make. My life is mine to create.
So since I felt like I wrote your post, here's what I would have done in hindsight: had I known then what I know now I would have run at the first hello. The longer you stay the more emeshed your heart becomes and the harder it is to leave.
Brammy
How ya doin'? If I didn't know better I would have sworn that I wrote your post myself. My SO also made me promise not to leave him so I hung in there. This is the sticky though .... It did get much, MUCH worse. I believe my A didn't like himself a whole lot and since I liked him he figured there must be something wrong with me. I had pressure from his family because 'He tried so hard'. I 'felt' him and knew that he loved me at least the part of him that didn't hate me for loving HIM.
Where we are right now, I can't say. I have in no uncertain terms told him that I WIL NOT deal with him as he is. The next step in his recovery is his choice to make. My life is mine to create.
So since I felt like I wrote your post, here's what I would have done in hindsight: had I known then what I know now I would have run at the first hello. The longer you stay the more emeshed your heart becomes and the harder it is to leave.
Brammy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Westminster, Colorado
Posts: 6
Feeling a bit better after reading your posts
Thanks guys!
It has helped me a bit today
!
I feel a bit calmer.....just a bit. I'm still worried. I guess I have this problem with this feeling that I don't want to lose him, and that I miss him terribly.
I have to let go.....but I don't want to.
Is that what co-dep is? I guess so.
But I have my own issues, so I need to begin this week to work on those.
I just wish I would've found this forum BEFORE I sent him an email!!
After he yelled at me (online) about leaving him alone (before he sent more messages,hmmmm), now I've tried to leave him alone; until I got that anxiety feeling today. UGH!
I sent him a very short email just saying "I'm sorry for contacting you, but I'm worried about you today. Let me know.....and I'll leave you alone."
I shouldn't have.....
It has helped me a bit today
!I feel a bit calmer.....just a bit. I'm still worried. I guess I have this problem with this feeling that I don't want to lose him, and that I miss him terribly.
I have to let go.....but I don't want to.
Is that what co-dep is? I guess so.
But I have my own issues, so I need to begin this week to work on those.
I just wish I would've found this forum BEFORE I sent him an email!!
After he yelled at me (online) about leaving him alone (before he sent more messages,hmmmm), now I've tried to leave him alone; until I got that anxiety feeling today. UGH!
I sent him a very short email just saying "I'm sorry for contacting you, but I'm worried about you today. Let me know.....and I'll leave you alone."
I shouldn't have.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by Mimbre
to telling me ... not to wait for him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Buffalo,WV
Posts: 47
I know what you are going through...so am I...the "I miss him"...the "I have to let go..but don't want to"...the "I'm worried" That is me...and mine started almost 2 years ago now....the first time we met was a disaster...should have let it go then...but gave him another chance. Things were then wonderful for about 6 months...then he started drinking again and the next 6 months were hell...on my emotions...up and down all the time. So where am I now...I don't know...he claims to be quit drinking and honestly seems to be. But now I have a hard time trusting him...he is gone on vacation right now and have not heard from him....and yes I miss him...and yes I want a good relationship with him...do I ever think it will happen...maybe...maybe not...should I have left before I got so emotionally attached...probably yes...but didn't. I will say this place is a good place to be...check out the chats too...Thursday night is a al-anon chat I think you would like. I can't tell you what to do...I don't even listen to myself on this very good. But listen to your head and your heart...do you want your heart broke everytime you think things are going good? If you stick around that will probably happen...just when you think things are great....it comes crashing down again it seems...and again...and again....you get the picture. Just remember everyone here has been through the same things pretty much...most all of us could write the same story it seems...sad isn't it...think about it...take care and listen to your higher power
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