Cynay

OK...... what the HECK is wrong with me.

Im feeling depressed, at odds... just plain odd.

For about 3 weeks I have been feeling weird, not unhappy but certainly not as happy as I was about a month ago. I have tried to pick it apart and figure out what the difference is but nothing is coming out.

Everything is good, financially the bills are paid and I will probably receive quite a bit of money from my parents estate around the first. My daughter and I are doing well, in fact spent the day yesterday together (she got her drivers permit) and doing well. Mr. R and I are very good, he is still as sweet as ever, we talk about everything and he is still romantic. Job is same old .. same old not stress there (in fact down right borning)

What the heck is the problem..... for about a week I have had 3 dreams about my ex-abf... in the last one he told me he was going to remarry his ex wife... there was no anger or hurt in the dream just a conversation and he wanted Mr. R to be the best man. Though its weird to have the dreams ... they are not bad, just weird. I dont miss him, have not seen him or had contact.

There is nothing wrong, so why the mood. Im starting to wonder if Im just not comfortable with Normal.

CodeMaster

Hey Cynay, so funny you post this because I was just fine and dandy myself and also for about a week I had 2-3 dreams of my exgf including last night. I found that really odd when I woke up... dont know what phase this part is suppose to mean?? I'm withya.

pmaslan

count me in on that....last week I was euphoric...this week it's like the rug has been pulled out from under me...and what is it with that 2/3 times a week dreaming thing about the ex, I had those too.....

Cynay

Its driving me nuts....

Im doing the steps, going to meetings, reading, service work, charity work at church....

But this is just not letting up and Im getting tired of it... let alone tired of the dreams.

Jazzman

Dream about a new boat
Wanna go in on one?

Cynay

*laughs* tooo funny.... I think your obsessed about the giving up of the boat.

I would like to dream about just about anything other then my ex....

cwohio

maybe it was the full moon taking it's toll? i think we should all go in on buying a boat - the SS Recovery!

cwohio

there ya go - good idea!

Jazzman

I have always had a border line seasonal stress disorder syndr.. syndrome... syndryomne.... what ever!

Thats why I NEED to get away at some time during the winter months to a warm place. One time I went to a tanning salon to get ready for a south pacific vacation in the middle of February. Didn't want to burn to a crisp the 1st day there. I noticed that when I walked out of the tanning salon on a cold winter night, I felt like I just spent a day at the beach!

BubbaBob

Remember, for both AA's and AlAnon's, getting healthy doesn't mean all of a sudden everything is peachy-keen...life still does weird things to all of us...getting healthy means we deal with it in a healthy way, it doesn't mean "life", with all it's quirks, goes away.

BubbaBob

dreamcatcher

Start doing things THAT ARE FOR YOU. Be selfish. Doing service work and giving is great, but is just that GIVING. Buy a boat, go to a salon, take a vacation, watch the Lifetime Movie Channel all day long in your pajamas. We must fill those times we experienced chaos with something NEW and HAPPY. I too have the dreams but use them as reminders that I must keep moving on and create new good memories.

Cynay

That is just it Bubba.... there are no quirks so to speak. There is nothing I can put a finger on that is a quirk...

Maybe that is what I need to do, spend a pajamas day with Lifetime.... I have done things for me, but nothing really makes me happy right now. Im in a funk and Im not liking it....

I like the SR Recovery boat idea... tooo fun. Maybe I need a weekend away from everyone... no recovery, work, parenting, Mr R .... just me and a book and the ocean somewhere. *shrugs*

Maybe it is the weather/season change... I dont know, but Im getting more depressed and have decided "faking it" is not working. I wonder if this is a stage of recovery or if this is a indication Im just sick *shrugs*

Something has to give though

dreamcatcher

Part of going through recovery is going through the grieving process. Even though we may have lost someone in our life who wasn't so great it is still a loss.
The Stages of Grief
1. Denial
2. Bargaining (If only I had done this or that)
3. ANGER
4. Depression (the realization that this has really happened)
5. Acceptance
We don't all experience these things in the same order and sometimes we flip flop from one to another, but we all need to experience this to move on in our lives no matter what path we chose. This is all very normal, HEY does't it suck to be normal. I guess we better be careful for what we wish for...... I don't know how many times I said to myself I wish my life could be normal.

Cynay

Dreamcatcher !!!

I was just talking about that with Mr. R. How I dont understand what the problem is cuz things are normal and I have prayed for just this for sooooo long.

That is why I wonder if Im addicted to Chaos... I just dont know how to act if there is not an "issue" in my life.... I guess if this is part of the process then it must be either the depression (though I have NOTHING to be depressed about) or Acceptance part...

Im lost... I have no clue .... maybe a good howl at the moon is what I need too

Jazzman

Cynay - You're killin me. Would you PLEASE stop trying to convince yourself there must be something wrong with you? You picked yourself up by your boot straps and got YOURSELF out of a life of hell. You have been through tons of self discovery and healing and you know more about yourself then you ever have. You are happy alone, you are stronger and wiser for what you've been through. Now you meet Mr R., a truly nice guy, and you can't find anything wrong with him that you need to "fix".

Let go and treat yourself to a good man. You deserve it! Heck, if all you get out of this relationship is a "taste of normal", then take it! It's not like you gotta marry the guy... besides, "no issues" IS a good thing!

minnie

Sometimes I have to go through a period of consolidation. I think I'm doing that at the moment. Not many lightbulbs going off, everything that I can do is being done, seems a bit boring.

Why not try something healthy to get the adrenaline going? Go to a theme park or something.

dreamcatcher

And sometimes it is ok to be lost. We are all traveling on new paths and their is no map that any of us can follow. As my new man says "ride the wave" let go of trying to control and having all the answers. Howl at the moon, dance the dance. I know at first I was addicted to the news the more drama a catastrophe the better. What a fix I got on the hurricane. Pretty sick but true. It gets better, boring is getting better and when I get really bored I find very entertaining things to do, I have the best decorated halloween house in the neighborhood. Give it time.

JT

And sometimes, like me recently, I just have to kick myself in the butt! I got called on behaving differently before I realized what was up. Did you mention an estate? Sorry for not knowing but I take it you lost someone recently. I lost my Mom after a struggle with cancer and it seems that even knowing that it was going to happen doesn't take the sting out. I also recieved some money and for some reason I feel, what's the word, obligated to do something meaningful with it?

There has been a subtle shift in my world...yours too?

What happened with me was simply being aware that I was down. At least then I could grab onto what I know works and just do it.

Girlfriend

Hi Cynay,

You know how many people out there that are just like that? (like us?) TONS!!!

I run into and talk to people all the time in various places and there is ALWAYS something wrong. I don't think I know one person that has a good day every day except for maybe my dog......he amuzes himself

The world is in hard times, people are struggling. I was so used to chaos from my childhood and first marraige that when I didn't have it around me, I'd create it.

UNTIL,........my Mom died of a heart attack one day 3 years ago. I learned a big lesson then. That we never know when it's our time to go, so we've got to make the best of every day.

It's a depressing time of the year, but there's always a silver lining in each cloud and we gotta look for it.

((hugs))

BubbaBob

LIFE is a quirk.

Sometimes an obvious one...sometimes there is something that stands out, that jumps up and slaps us...sometimes it is a nebulous thing...nothing we can really put our finger on, but there just the same...restless, irritable, discontent, for no apparant reason, it's just THERE.

That's not bad recovery...hell, for an alkie, it's GOOD...at least we are aware, something we never were before...but it's just life.

BubbaBob