somebodysfool

I feel like I am slipping backward. I am not sure if it is denial, fear to change, acceptance, detachment, healthy or not. I haven't been to the counselor in two weeks because of scheduling conflicts. I haven't been obsessing about what n my AH is up to (as much). I have found out that he has been dabbling with coke which I have suspected and I suspect he may be the go between for the dealer. So I have some people looking in to what that means for me. There are so many days where I am ready to get out. I just don't know how or when the conversation is going to happen. And then there are days when I just deal with things, wondering if he will hit bottom. I'll justify it could always be one step worse. I can't seem to embrace it could be 10 steps better without him. I come here for strength and sometimes it brings out all my irrational fears or maybe I am smacked in the face with the truth. Sometimes he is so mean and then sometimes he does something normal. Never selfless, never me first. I guess I am just rambling. I feel like I am living without him right now. Fact is we won't get along together or apart for many years. I get tired of having to be the bigger person. I have been trying to take care of myself, visit friends, pamper my feet...I'll just keep plugging along. I don't know what I am waiting for, a boulder to fall on my big fat head!?!

J

FriendofBill

[QUOTE=somebodysfool]

Quote:

So I have some people looking in to what that means for me.

What does this mean? Probably,,,thats the only way I learn,,thru pain.

The 12 steps are my soultion.....

Brammy

Oh I know your feelings. I felt like my X was my drug. I went through the same thing then one day he would be normal (I liken it to my fix) and this would keep me holding on a little longer. I finally realize that the 'occasional' normalcy is normal for the addicted. Unless I wanted my life to be a living hell with only glimpses of normalcy, I would have to be the one to make the change.When he asked me recently if I still loved him, I said 'Yes, I do love you more than anything, I just don't like you most of the time.'

My boulder came about a week ago and I finally realized that I would lose myself if I allowed the abuse to continue for the sake of the 'occasional' normalcy.