StandingStrong

I attended a wedding today. The wedding was beautiful, everyone there was so happy, and the minister that officiated the nuptials did an outstanding job!
However, when the vows were recited, it hit me --- hard!!!! Especially the parts, "I love you with all of my heart", "In sickness and in health", "In good times and bad". There was a time that those vows have struck me at the idea that Ah had not fulfilled those vows, that he'd broken them. But today was different. Reality check - I did not fulfill those vows either!!!!
If addiction is an illness (disease)....where does that leave me for having ended our marriage? What about the bad times.....I stayed through years of those but gave up! And the whole adultery thing - well, as I've stated on here before, I broke that one too.
Heck, let's face it. I've been angry, hurtful, spiteful, and mean sometimes throughout our marriage. I've acted horribly, I've reacted horribly, and I've even hurt Ah intentionally sometimes with cruel words and actions. Oh sure, I was angry at him, mostly for the situations that we've been in due to his drinking, but that is no excuse! There is no justifying bad behaviour!
So anyways.....those vows just really hit me hard today! I've always owned guilt for things that weren't mine to own and I still do that. I've always felt guilty for many things. And though I'm working on it, I realized that I have been avoiding church (and God) for this very reason - I feel guilty! So while some guilt may not be mine to claim - there is definately some that I need to face.
After the wedding, our daughter wanted to talk to me about Ah. While I've always assurred and encouraged our children to talk to me about anything, today was a hard day to have that talk with her.
After dropping our daughter off at his house, Ah called and wanted to know why I didn't even stick around to say, "Hi". Well, needless to say, I told him about the vow thing and how I felt, how our daughter wanted to talk about him and the mess we've created!, and then went on to tell him how I feel about his one night stand (seeing as how I saw her while en route to his house, she lives in the same town as him, and even seeing his house reminds me! not to mention it was one of the topics that our daughter wanted to discuss!) Really, I unloaded on him. And then I fired off quite a few questions. You know the kind! The kind that start like "Why didn't you....." and "How come (Insert work, friends, drinking, family, etc here) was always more important to you?" and "How could you do this to me?" etc. (Oh yes, not a shining moment for me at all) So currently, Ah is writing me a long letter about his life. I guess this is going to answer my questions.
*sigh* Today was just not a good day for me. I handled it badly. So here's hoping that "One day at a time" brings me a better day tomorrow. I took a few steps back in my recovery tonight.

Thanks for listening. I just really needed to vent about my own ugliness.

reader

Hi Standing Strong, I sorry u had such a bad day. I think you are being too hard on your self. No one is perfect even God doesn't expect it. I don't want to come off as a religious freak but I read my bible. God expects people to make mistakes he said through his son " Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". So the part of your post where you said you had been avoiding church and god, let me remind you the lord is a forgiven God. It helps me to turn to my HP I lift lifes hurts and struggles up to him. I could see why going to the wedding bummed you out. I also took my vows seriously and have made mistakes too. Just remember your nickname- You are Standing Strong in the trial of dealing with a alcoholic. You've been doing great! Take Care, Kerry

Cap3

SS thank you for the courage to share where you are at today.
My prayers for you and your family.
I do the very best that i can in da moment.And i believe that others do to.
The painful past,cannot be changed,but used as a learning tool today.
Look back?you made the decisions that was, best for you,at the time.
I could second guess my whole life.If its brings about the changes i want in my future,to reflect on my past,not judgeing it,great.If im using my past, as a hammer over my head,i need to let this go,for im only hurting myself big time,over something that cant ever be changed.All is as its suppose to be.I believe this.All that happend,my choices,,etc,,were what got me to this point,where im at today.I accept this..Im not perfect,i stoped expecting this myself.And this has given me freedom,to learn and to grow.
Peace,always be with you.
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!

JT

It sounds to me that you got some things out that you have been keeping bottled up. You said what you were honestly feeling and I don't see one thing wrong with that. Sometimes, in recovery it's almost as though we know too much for our own good. We know that we should communicate in a detached fashion, we know that the alcoholic is behaving the way alcoholics do and that it isn't personal. But it is personal! So personal that the life that we dream about crashes at our feet. It doesn't get much more personal than that.

Don't feel one bit guilty. In fact, I would bet that you feel about 100 pounds lighter. It's done, it's out and you don't have to do it again.

(((Hugs)))

Daffodil

So now you know the anwser to What's your part? That you have the power to change. It's always progress not perfection.
Try to remember the 3 A's

Awareness
Acceptance
Action. in that order.


You just keep recoverying and you'll be fine and so will you daughter.

StandingStrong

Today was a better day. I've been thinking though about maybe contacting that minister to discuss my feelings. While I understand those vows are made by both people, I also feel that I should have followed through with my end regardless of him breaking his vows or not.
Anyways, I guess this is one of those things I'll just have to give some serious thought too and figure out on my own, but I appreciate all of your posts.

Cap3

Great plan,SS.Talking with your minister.He can really help you,here.
My prayers are with you.