Numb
 

It is close to 2am this Sunday morning. As I sit here, just getting in from the airport and a long day of traveling. I was out of town for work when my cell phone rang off the hook while I slept this morning. Once I finally woke up, I look at my phone to see my X-A's family had been calling. My X-A was pronouced dead at the emergency room around 3:30 yesterday morning. He had been shot in the chest at close range. Aparently he had been at a party, where drinking and who knows what else was being done and some fighting and things started to happen. At current the police are still looking for the shooter.

I had my co-worker here at my home keeping our daughter while I was away. I was not suppose to be home until Monday. Shes asleep and does not know this. I plan to tell her when she gets up.

I got home a couple of hours ago...was lucky to get my flight changed to get here. I have been over at his mothers house.

So I sit here wide awake. Trying to figure out how to tell my 8 year old her father passed away. I am scared as to how she will take this. I am scared as to how we both are going to be taking it. I have been pretty numb, almost just in another world. I sat in the airport bathroom stall this afternoon and cried at least for an hour.

I have been racking my brain all day trying to remember if I saved some pictures I took of him the last sober decent afternoon he spent with us. I am thankful I did find them on my computer.

In some ways I feel like it was a blessing. The past year he has really gotten bad with the drugs and alcohol. I for the most part have tried to keep the thoughts out of my head that if I only had helped him when he asked, if I only gave him a lift to get job applications. He maybe would have gotten his head on a little bit better and gotten a job. Maybe wouldnt have been at that get together. I was surprised at myself that I even for one minute had those guilty feelings. I cant share these feelings with anyone except you all because you all understand. That is why I am here.

I love him, always have. always will. Right now you guys I just cant believe hes gone. I feel like I was mean to him. But I know he knew deep down why I was. Where my anger and pain came from.

For now, I am trying to get some sleep although I dont feel like I can. Going to try though. I love you all and this place.

(((bonbon))) I truly don't know what to say as I know this is a very hard time for you. I can only tell you that my heartfelt thoughts go out to you, your daughter, and to your families.
Feeling guilty is a normal process when losing someone. Even when a person leaves us in death and is not an addict or alcoholic, guilty feelings arise. You know in your heart that none of this is your fault. I hope that you come to terms with that soon as guilt is so self defeating. And in your case, I believe it's just unwarranted.
Again, I'm so sorry for your pain.

Thanks bonbon. For what it's worth, your post helps me remember what I do to those around me if I go back to where I was. Your pain and loss helps me stay sober.

Again, thanks, and you, your daughter, and A's family will be in my prayers this morning at church.

BubbaBob

((bonbon)) - i am so sorry for your loss. i just lost my AH a month and a half ago to the direct results of his addiction so i know the pain and guilt you are feeling now. i too felt guilty (and still do sometimes) because the day he died i had left the house because he was completely wasted and trying to start an argument. i am trying to work through all the emotions that are coming and deal with them one day at a time. please know that my prayers are with you in hopes that you find a gentle way to let your daughter know and i hope she will have good memories of him. feel free to PM me if you want to "talk".

hugs - christie

I'm praying for peace & comfort for you, your daughter & his other family, Bonbon.

Oh BonBon, I'm so sorry.
Prayers out for you and your girl.

My prayers are with you and your daugther. MY heart breaks for you both. Just keep reminding your self that his death had nothing to do with you. You had set boundries for you and your little girls well being. I am very sorry for your grief and when you are able let us know how u both are doing. I am worried about how your daughter will take the news. With my sympathy and love, kerry

(((BonBon))) I am so very sorry; it made me weep when I read your post. Please know that you, your daughter and your families are in my thoughts and prayers. Please be gentle with yourself.

((((Bonbon)))) my thoughts are with you and your daughter today.

Oh dear Bonbon...this is the part I hate so much. It is not possible to make any sense of it. Your daughter is the blessing you received from him. He will live inside of her. Keep her close...

((((Hugs))))
JT

((((((((bonbon)))))))))) ((((((((((((((bonbon's daughter)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your loss. Words never seem adequate at times like this, but despite my lack of words, I hope you know all that is in my heart.

May your ex find peace with his HP.

(((Bonbon)))

Oh, Bonbon, I am so very very sorry, my heart just breaks for you and your daughter. My heartfelt prayers go out for both of you.

For some reason I was thinking of old members here yesterday and you were one of the first who came to mind.

How awful it is that this disease and all that goes with it takes people we love away from us. May the good memories of better times remain in your heart and your spirit forever.

Please give your daughter a big hug of comfort from me, and take as many as you need yourself. We're here for you today and always, to give you love and support and share your tears.

Love you, Bonbon :hug:

((((bonbon&daughter)))))


So sorry for your loss it is not your fault....

((((((BonBon)))))))

Im so sorry for your loss and for your baby girl as well. There was nothing any human power could doto change the road that he was on. Let go of that thought......the disease is just that strong.

Please take this time to live for just this 24 hours...thats all you have to do to make it thru,,,24 hrs at a time.

Praying for you, your daughter and his family.....Hugs XXOO

((((Bonbon))))
I am so sorry
Sending prayers for you and your daughter

Hugs
Roxy

(((Bonbon and daughter)))
My thoughts and prayers go out to you during this time of loss.
I'm truely sorry for what you must be feeling now, and for your daughter's pain. :hug:
Shalom!

(((((Bonbon)))))

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's father. Such horrible news and such a sad way for one's life to end. I will be praying for you and your daughter.

Hugs,
JG

(((Bonbon)))
My dearest sympathy to you, and your little one..

((bonbon))
I am so sorry for your family's loss.
Prayers are coming your way from the Pacific!
ALOHA NUI LOA