Resentment.
 

I'm over it now but I had a big wave of resentment yesterday and D copped for it!

His flying start on Sunday dwindled and I found myself angry and resentful, partly because he was cranky with me too.

I tried lots of things to stay reasonable and up to a point managed but then I found myself even more resentful of the effort I was putting in to stay reasonable!!

I didn't do anything or say anything that awful but I was critical, maybe too critical. I got caught up in calling a spade a spade - that always sounds so good but in reality it usually means judgement, criticism and self justifying things that aren't exactly constructive!

My problem is this:
I never know what's reasonable to expect, I know he's ill, I know that doesn't remove ALL responsibility. I know he's done what he can to get help, I know he's been let down by our health system.

He's talking so normally and he doesn't sound ill or sad unless it's something he's sensitive about where in the past week he's been tearful (not crying but on the edge of it alot. He talks so positively about plans for what he'll do, he sounds so ok that I get cross when he doesn't do them.

Meanwhile he's teaching himself to write programmes in 'C' and (might have this wrong) he's set out to build a compiler in C so that he can practice - only he hasn't worked in C for years (since he was a teenager I think). He sits in front of page after page of commands he writes while seeming not even to look at them. It gets done before recovery stuff, it gets done when recovery stuff is hard, it gets done instead of what he's said he'll do for recovery. I used to say if he's doing his own thing then he's not so depressed he can't keep responsibilities but I don't know if this isn't just slightly manic. In the confusion I get cross!!


Expectations and boundaries.
Should I have a boundary that says he should do x amount of time on recovery stuff? Because he'll loose any chance of the psychiatric treatment if he drinks again - and that effects when he can begin to pull any financial weight. Do I say he has to pull his financial weight knowing he needs treatment that they won't give him, knowing I might be asking the impossible?

My boundaries have always been that I'm treated with respect and dignity and I am. I also said if he refused treatment and ever chose to just drink himself to death I couldn't stand by and watch.

He's always paid half of everything, I never considered boundaries for that because it was always there. Now it isn't because he's ill - so my expectations of recovery have got muddled with what's fair boundaries financially.

To add to the confusion it's hard to know what is or isn't a super effort - day to day I don't know how well he is, I get to find out when things go wrong! I know he's seriously depressed, I know his self esteem has disappeared into a negative, I know he's dealing with random and big anxiety - but I never know when or how much!

I guess what I'm saying is even if I get mad I don't know if it was justified, it's understandable but I don't know if it's justified.

After and initial argument D is so supportive and tells me none of it is my fault, not even me being angry (while I try to tell him that IS my fault). Last night that lead to me losing it and crying for hours while he held me - all the time I felt how can I be dumping this on him? Then feeling guilty for that just made me cry more!

So today I feel tired, a bit lost, very confused, and silly because nothing has really happened except me behaving in a way I don't like and not really having a clue what's reasonable.

My 2p....

Avoidance?
Is that a boundary or a rule?
I think this is the trickiest one. If he knows that he won't get treatment if he drinks, and he is scared of getting psychiatric help, then the easiest way to avoid it is to drink. From the sounds of it, D wouldn't come right out and say he's refusing treatment. And that's where it gets so difficult. I so don't envy your position.

And the rest? It's no wonder that you're angry. And I have no idea what is reasonable and doubt that I would even if I were in your situation.

Blimey, that wasn't very supportive, was it? Hopefully, others will have some more upbeat responses for you. I'm all out of them today, I think.

(((hugs)))

Actually it was - it means alot to hear.

Yep - that there would be a rule wouldn't it?

ARGH!! It felt like a boundary because I expect to people both to work (boundary being I don't keep anyone!!) - he isn't and right now can't but what I don't know is whether that means the boundary that I don't keep someone else should be replaced by a 'reasonable expectation' (ehem or rule!).

I should add he's been desperate after I went to Portugal to get the Psych referal - even more so after his 'incident' in town.

The fact they've refused him and the docs visit last week really hurt - it was after that he got very tearful and down. He also knows if he drinks anything like before he'll be admitted to the addiction place and is more scared of that.

Of course none of that makes it any easier to face the recovery self examination while he's so low, and not thinking straight - but without that self examination he doesn't seem able to stay off booze completely!! BLAH!!

((equus)) i don't really have many words of wisdom. i think in my case i felt like i didn't have the right to be angry, that being angry meant that i wasn't being supportive. i had to dissect what the anger was really directed at - and i think i had to tell myself over and over that it was directed at...the disease, the hopelessness i felt sometimes, my powerlessness (control), my inability to act on what i knew what right/good for me. i'm with minnie on the one about x amount of recovery work. just know that you are not alone and we'll be here to listen.

equus-

Sometimes I think the best thing to do is keep the focus on ourselves. I think a lot of times resentments form when myself calls out to me and I do not listen. I can't be everything for someone else.

My H just relaped and he spent a huge amount of money on dope. I am really pi$$ed @ him right now and he is mad at me for not covering some checks he wrote but I did not write them and I ain't gonna cover them. This is not right for me to try to own it is his stuff it is maddness for me to do that.

We had a pretty bad weekend because he wants me to take responsibility for him I told him to grow up...maybe it wasn't the sweetest thing for me to say but, he was laying it on pretty thick....

I feel a ton of compassion for him and I will support any effort he makes toward taking responsibility for his actions. I know he is sick but, I still think he has to want to get well more than I want him to. I am giving myself a break and using my skills of detachment right now. Detachment is a valueable tool for me right now....

Equus - I too set that boundary once. I know the feeling and sorry your feeling it now.. Your so strong and so wise and work so hard w/ D on your relationship. You guys can work though this!

Hi Equus, All I can add is that I am going trough this too. My H has been going to AA meetings since the spring. After the month of soberity he relapsed. Not benders just single beers but a relapse none the less. The last month has been rough with slips but he is on the upswing. Your experences with counseling has help us to find him a one on one counselor and out patient groups. It has to be frustrating for u to see him so down. Added by the finance concern boundries. All I can say is keep up the good work on yourself, you've inspired me. Take Care, Kerry

I really think that's the answer Splendra. It's not easy, at all, to be a person of unending forgiveness and compassion. I get so damn tired of being "understanding" of the situation, and it takes alot out of me. When that happens, I get angry and resentful... and that's a trigger to me that I need to step out of the situation for a little while. Give myself a break, even if just for 30 minutes or an hour... more time if I've really let the anger build up, ya know?

When we step out of the chaos, we are able to put our problems back in their true perspective.

Equus, my sponsor uses the expression "whirly-giggin'." When I get going around and around about all the what ifs, could haves, should haves, and what the hell do I do nows... she says my mind is whirly-giggin', like a pinwheel (did you ever have one as a child?)! The harder the wind blows the faster the pinwheel spins... so I need to take my mind out of the "wind", and slow the pinwheel back down.

When I put the focus back on me, I find that I calm down almost instantly.

Just a thought!
Shannon

You're wise enough for me!! I think that had a lot to do with it - the situation is so hard and frustrating but that isn't all about the person. In the end he was nearest, he failed to reach something I thought he would and copped for it, probably most of the anger I feel towards the mental health system for leaving me to figure all this out myself.

Yup - I'm trying not to but I know I'm whirly gigging a bit!!

This isn't about him drinking (not that I would win detachment awards there right now either!) but I need somehow to pull back a little from the whole situation - only part of not knowing how well he is day to day is making that very hard.

Like his doc said he's managing to hold things togather but only with fairly heavy support from me. There's no point in saying if I pull back they'll pick it up - he's been refused, they haven't and emergancy mental health treatment is only given when someone is a danger to themselves or others. He almost got that far but in doing so was definately a danger to himself - I can't just say that's the best way for him to get help.

In fact what his doctor said summed it up very well, there's nowhere for me to get any respite, there's no treatment on offer apart from inadequatley qualifed mental health nurses after a six month wait. It isn't fair that it's fallen on me but it has AND he's my husband, I'm not a detached proffessional, we have a relationship, one where actions have always played a greater part than words. Now I don't know whether actions are depression, panic, or slight mania but I still feel things.

I just couldn't stop crying last night, maybe because he is my friend and I know I can't say why - so much of this isn't his fault part of me hunts down what is so that I can say that, so that I can get angry, so that I can tell him I'm tired.

I'm swimming with my bestest and very clever buddy tonight, D is doing us lambe stew for when we get back - ironic isn't it, I fall apart when actually nothing has really gone wrong accept me having a meltdown!

Oh, hon, I have NEVER fallen apart in the middle of stuff - like any good coper, I always wait until it's all over.

ahh yes minnie - i can relate to that statement!

I can relate to that too - maybe that's another reason why I'm mad at myself, none of the 'stuff' is over, I shouldn't be melting down yet!! Just that nothing above the 'stuff' had happened to excuse my early meltdown.

While D held me balling he kept saying it was ok, I wasn't alone in it, that i could cry as much as I wanted because he understood how hard it must be - YIKES have yo any idea how much more that made me cry? Not to mention how crappy I felt doing it?

Then I went home and found he'd rung the addiction center/inpatient/outpatient place to find out what they offer there!!

He's read all about their programme and agreed that out patient is what he'd like to do if he has another 'slip' but if he drank over days again he wants the referal for inpatient!! In between he wants to see how it goes with what he's got - I'm cool with that, deep down it feels right and fair.

Then my elderly ex neighbour rang to say she wants him to connect her to the net and give her a starter lesson - TOMORROW!! D said for me to say yes, it'd be his pleasure!

I guess my meltdown didn't break him, I didn't want to add to it all and hurt him.....

Okaleedoakaly - you can all call me a prat now!

Fantastic news!!! I do believe that we only sek help when we are hurting and D is demonstrating that. It might feel like it's a downward spiral, but I get the feeling he's actually on the up.

And I would never, ever call you a prat. Please don't belittle the strain you are under.

Not a prat, just dealing with stuff in the way you are able to at the moment. Another day you may deal with it differently. You never know; your meltdown may have had a positive effect on D.

great equus!!!! a prat? more english-speak - what's that?

Someone once told me it was a pregnant goldfish - but I have my doubts!! Mostly it means a bit of a plonka!

I apologised to D for my meltdown and he just said I needed it so he was glad I had a chance to just drop my load! What with that and his lamb stew, (not to mention a promise of a shared bath later) - I feel tired but maybe I'm glad too that I had a good cry (broke records, drenched his chest, had to get back out of bed for a coco - oh yeppy THE WORKS!!).

I don't feel like he's behind something I can't see past anymore - that might sound centered around him but it isn't because I hate not seeing people especially my own hubby!

sounds like the cry helped! ok - from prat to plonka - i'm doing an internet search!

I'm a bottom???!! I never knew - I thought I was a pregnant goldfish!

Oh heck!! Only Fools and Horses has alot to answer for!!

I'm just various smutty bits!