Obsessing
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Join Date: Nov 2002
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Obsessing
When I was driving home last night, I saw what looked like my husband's truck, with he and a woman in it. I don't even know for sure it was him, but it had all the impact on me as if it was.
Right away the adrenaline kicked in. I started shaking, crying and obsessing. I slept poorly, and woke up with all of this on my mind. It has been that way for me ever since he was out all night with that woman.
I am having trouble detaching and letting go. I feel afraid and hurt. Help!
Right away the adrenaline kicked in. I started shaking, crying and obsessing. I slept poorly, and woke up with all of this on my mind. It has been that way for me ever since he was out all night with that woman.
I am having trouble detaching and letting go. I feel afraid and hurt. Help!
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
I can relate to how you are feeling Alongtimegone!
I used to do the exact same thing. I would go out looking for my husband and if I found him would cause a BIG scene and shake, cry, the whole deal. I felt better after blowing up, at least I thought I did. I did that off and on for a long time. That was years ago, when we were alot younger. I wish that I would have thought more about myself back then and not so much about HIM. I know how hurt you feel. How could he do this to me? That is a question I often asked myself. Respect yourself!! That is so important. Take care of you! Be good to yourself, and love yourself because this action of him has nothing to do with you.
Pray! I sure wish that I had done more of that and less obsessing back then.
Take care, my thoughts and prayers are with you,
matters
I used to do the exact same thing. I would go out looking for my husband and if I found him would cause a BIG scene and shake, cry, the whole deal. I felt better after blowing up, at least I thought I did. I did that off and on for a long time. That was years ago, when we were alot younger. I wish that I would have thought more about myself back then and not so much about HIM. I know how hurt you feel. How could he do this to me? That is a question I often asked myself. Respect yourself!! That is so important. Take care of you! Be good to yourself, and love yourself because this action of him has nothing to do with you.
Pray! I sure wish that I had done more of that and less obsessing back then.
Take care, my thoughts and prayers are with you,
matters
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Alongtimegone,
The obssessing and pain you are experiencing are caused by the actions of your A, but also a symptom of other unknown issues. In my case when I obssessed over a boyfriend in the same situation it was because I was avoiding dealing with the real issues that were causing my low self esteem and emotional pain. I used relationships as bandaids to make the pain go away.
I didn't know at the time what caused my pain, but eventually it all came up. Now I don't obssess or feel the need for a relationship.
Pretend you are on a road. Your A is behind you. You keep your focus on your A. If you were to change your focus and look ahead, what would you see?? What are the emotions involved when you focus on the road ahead without your A. Is it fear? Lonliness? Write it all down and then start working on those issues. These are the things that keep us stuck where we are.
Hugs,
MG
The obssessing and pain you are experiencing are caused by the actions of your A, but also a symptom of other unknown issues. In my case when I obssessed over a boyfriend in the same situation it was because I was avoiding dealing with the real issues that were causing my low self esteem and emotional pain. I used relationships as bandaids to make the pain go away.
I didn't know at the time what caused my pain, but eventually it all came up. Now I don't obssess or feel the need for a relationship.
Pretend you are on a road. Your A is behind you. You keep your focus on your A. If you were to change your focus and look ahead, what would you see?? What are the emotions involved when you focus on the road ahead without your A. Is it fear? Lonliness? Write it all down and then start working on those issues. These are the things that keep us stuck where we are.
Hugs,
MG
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Matters has me laughing.
I'll tell you a little story. Matters and I have been friends for 30 years. We used to obssess together 20 years ago. I wish I could tell you about all the hours she and I would sit in the car together on a stake out. One night we felt the need to obssess, but I had the kids so we made up a private detective game. We all dressed up in trench coats and hats and sunglasses and took the kids with us and told them we were playing private detective.
Here we all were sitting in the car after dark staking out a house. Someone accidently leaned on the horn. Oh the memories.
Matters and I are both fine now. We went through some painful times together. You are going to be fine too.
Hugs,
MG
I'll tell you a little story. Matters and I have been friends for 30 years. We used to obssess together 20 years ago. I wish I could tell you about all the hours she and I would sit in the car together on a stake out. One night we felt the need to obssess, but I had the kids so we made up a private detective game. We all dressed up in trench coats and hats and sunglasses and took the kids with us and told them we were playing private detective.
Here we all were sitting in the car after dark staking out a house. Someone accidently leaned on the horn. Oh the memories.
Matters and I are both fine now. We went through some painful times together. You are going to be fine too.
Hugs,
MG
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Dear Along,
I am so sorry. My gut clenched up when I read your post, my hands started shaking. So, boy! do I know the feeling! It's horrible and it seems so out of conscious control.
I am scared to death of running into or seeing my A. I know I can't handle it.
But we are not nutso. I posted an excerpt from a book that I can really identify with, maybe you can too. Right now it's at the bottom of evaluating bonds in women in recovery, I think. It descibes this phenomenon very well, I think.
Not my wisdom, someone else's.
I got a big grin, MG, from your story. Oh, yeah, I've done my share of checking up and surveilling to find out just what the H was really going on. Play me for a fool!!! hahahaha Even to the part of making a game of playing spy w/kids.....and well, we have these nagging inklings but we are told otherwise until we just don't know what the truth is and we just have to know!
A says "you've never caught me" I finally got fed up with that one and exploded, I didn't see my son shoot himself either but just because I didn't see it doesn't change the reality or the consequences. He is dead and buried just the same! If it happened, it happened and it has consequences!
didn't change anything or do any good, but he did stop using that line.
Along, my heart and thoughts and prayers are with you. I guess my tears are too as we are in the same boat. The grief is real.
Just one day at a time I want to avoid him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to see or hear him without reacting, but I trust that in time it won't be so raw and heart-wrenching. I get mad at myself that it has so much power over me...that I lose sleep, don't eat, get sick...for days.
Today I've made arrangements to get back to the gym and walk, walk, walk, and lift weights until I wear myself out. Doing it for me, not to kick his ***, REALLY! hahahahaha
love, care, and concern,
tena
I am so sorry. My gut clenched up when I read your post, my hands started shaking. So, boy! do I know the feeling! It's horrible and it seems so out of conscious control.
I am scared to death of running into or seeing my A. I know I can't handle it.
But we are not nutso. I posted an excerpt from a book that I can really identify with, maybe you can too. Right now it's at the bottom of evaluating bonds in women in recovery, I think. It descibes this phenomenon very well, I think.
Not my wisdom, someone else's.
I got a big grin, MG, from your story. Oh, yeah, I've done my share of checking up and surveilling to find out just what the H was really going on. Play me for a fool!!! hahahaha Even to the part of making a game of playing spy w/kids.....and well, we have these nagging inklings but we are told otherwise until we just don't know what the truth is and we just have to know!
A says "you've never caught me" I finally got fed up with that one and exploded, I didn't see my son shoot himself either but just because I didn't see it doesn't change the reality or the consequences. He is dead and buried just the same! If it happened, it happened and it has consequences!
didn't change anything or do any good, but he did stop using that line.Along, my heart and thoughts and prayers are with you. I guess my tears are too as we are in the same boat. The grief is real.
Just one day at a time I want to avoid him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to see or hear him without reacting, but I trust that in time it won't be so raw and heart-wrenching. I get mad at myself that it has so much power over me...that I lose sleep, don't eat, get sick...for days.
Today I've made arrangements to get back to the gym and walk, walk, walk, and lift weights until I wear myself out. Doing it for me, not to kick his ***, REALLY! hahahahaha
love, care, and concern,
tena
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 189
Spy Kids
Morning Glory & Matters that is a classic!!! I wish I had a friend that close. My best friend and I have not been seeing I to I lately and it has become rather unhealthy...for me anyway.
I liked your pretend road story. that is fantastic simple advice. Please use it often. it may help someone else.
Livewyred and alongtime gone - I hope you can see soooon how important you are and you don't deserve...NO ONE deserves to be treated badly. Pain is apparently something we have to go thru, although some times we let it get too much of a hold.
Good Luck Gals
By the way, did I mention I am 6 days sober?
Anne
I liked your pretend road story. that is fantastic simple advice. Please use it often. it may help someone else.
Livewyred and alongtime gone - I hope you can see soooon how important you are and you don't deserve...NO ONE deserves to be treated badly. Pain is apparently something we have to go thru, although some times we let it get too much of a hold.
Good Luck Gals
By the way, did I mention I am 6 days sober?
Anne
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Glad you liked our road story escapade! Dick tracy, eat your heart out!!!
It is so nice NOT to obsess about my A now.
What great news Bikerprincess!! Keep up the good work
I've got to go ride my stationary bike before I take a shower, go get my daughter at school, do some running around, and then go to work. I am already tired! I've got to get in shape for ME!!!!
Remember ladies, it is all about US, not THEM!!!!
Love and prayers to all of you,
matters
It is so nice NOT to obsess about my A now.
What great news Bikerprincess!! Keep up the good work
I've got to go ride my stationary bike before I take a shower, go get my daughter at school, do some running around, and then go to work. I am already tired! I've got to get in shape for ME!!!!
Remember ladies, it is all about US, not THEM!!!!
Love and prayers to all of you,
matters
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Join Date: Nov 2002
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Posts: 93
Obsessing
Thanks for all the input. I have done a little better today, but feel bad that I lost an entire night worrying and thinking about all this.
It's odd - I get to a space where I am feeling okay, and then i backslide. I know I can't change him and his choices. He is in outpatient rehab right now. I've even done the "drive by" to see if he is really going.
I am scared that this is just one more thing designed to keep me hanging on, and that I will get my hopes up, and get let down with a bang again.
Also, I don't even know at this point if I can recover from all that has gone before. I love the man, but I just don't know. then I start thinking that he is finally taking some steps. What if I give up now, and am sorry later on as some other woman enjoys the fruits of my efforts and pain.
Then I think, Damn it! Forget him, focus on me. the idea is just so foreign, I am having a hard time with it.
I have spent years in therapy dealing with my other emotional issues. I thought I was in a good spot when i met him.
Now, in addition to all the stuff with him, all these other issues are coming up at every turn. I thought I had dealt with them...
It's odd - I get to a space where I am feeling okay, and then i backslide. I know I can't change him and his choices. He is in outpatient rehab right now. I've even done the "drive by" to see if he is really going.
I am scared that this is just one more thing designed to keep me hanging on, and that I will get my hopes up, and get let down with a bang again.
Also, I don't even know at this point if I can recover from all that has gone before. I love the man, but I just don't know. then I start thinking that he is finally taking some steps. What if I give up now, and am sorry later on as some other woman enjoys the fruits of my efforts and pain.
Then I think, Damn it! Forget him, focus on me. the idea is just so foreign, I am having a hard time with it.
I have spent years in therapy dealing with my other emotional issues. I thought I was in a good spot when i met him.
Now, in addition to all the stuff with him, all these other issues are coming up at every turn. I thought I had dealt with them...
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Dear along,
He isn't going to recover overnight and neither do we.
Tho' I've often ignored it I think the smart counsel I have received is: that if they are serious about their recovery they will work it with or without you, so see what he does when it's all on him and without pressure from you or from trying to manipulate you with the promise of recovery. If it's real, time will show that.
I know the feeling of being the one who championed, cheered and supported and the indignation that there isn't loyalty I deserve.
At times like this I work extra hard on myself with the delightful thought that living well is the best revenge! :tongue3:
hugs,
wired
He isn't going to recover overnight and neither do we.
Tho' I've often ignored it I think the smart counsel I have received is: that if they are serious about their recovery they will work it with or without you, so see what he does when it's all on him and without pressure from you or from trying to manipulate you with the promise of recovery. If it's real, time will show that.
I know the feeling of being the one who championed, cheered and supported and the indignation that there isn't loyalty I deserve.
At times like this I work extra hard on myself with the delightful thought that living well is the best revenge! :tongue3:
hugs,
wired
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A friend and I were meeting her brother at a hotel and they had not arrived yet and we sat at the window in our room joking about what experienced "watchers and waiters" we were. It was a real hoot...and he got to our door without us ever seeing him pull in!
Biker...you are doing great!! Double winner!!
Oh and Tena...LOL!! The gym is a pretty safe place!!
My son is staying in the basement..(No boo hoo's..Big screen, full bathroom and a bar
) but that is where my treadmill and VCR and new Firm tapes are. My buns of steel have been postponed because I can't bring myself to do a pretzil imatation with a recovering addict quacking in the background. So...as of tonite...he will get the boot while I tone this 50 year old body and return it to it's former glory!!
Hugs,
JT
Biker...you are doing great!! Double winner!!
Oh and Tena...LOL!! The gym is a pretty safe place!!
My son is staying in the basement..(No boo hoo's..Big screen, full bathroom and a bar
) but that is where my treadmill and VCR and new Firm tapes are. My buns of steel have been postponed because I can't bring myself to do a pretzil imatation with a recovering addict quacking in the background. So...as of tonite...he will get the boot while I tone this 50 year old body and return it to it's former glory!!Hugs,
JT
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
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OK GALS, I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY!!!! All your talk of taking care of 'us' and getting back to the gym is making me feel very lazy and squishy...
So do you think this is a sign that I need to get to the gym....
Just yesterday I was walking somewhere. I heard these voices. I then realized it was just my thighs, bumping together, saying, "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me!"
We laugh at our house. We have ALL the equipment to exercise, but heck, who can use it? Afterall, I'd have to find another place to hang my clothes. Even have a piece of equipment in the greatroom, taking up WAY too much space. Husband said instead of moving it, just string it with running lights for Christmas!
So, hmmmmmmm, what shall I do? I KNOW! While I'm THINKING about doing something about getting in shape I think I'll go fix something for breakfast from my two favoriate food groups... grease and preservatives!
So do you think this is a sign that I need to get to the gym....
Just yesterday I was walking somewhere. I heard these voices. I then realized it was just my thighs, bumping together, saying, "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me!"
We laugh at our house. We have ALL the equipment to exercise, but heck, who can use it? Afterall, I'd have to find another place to hang my clothes. Even have a piece of equipment in the greatroom, taking up WAY too much space. Husband said instead of moving it, just string it with running lights for Christmas!
So, hmmmmmmm, what shall I do? I KNOW! While I'm THINKING about doing something about getting in shape I think I'll go fix something for breakfast from my two favoriate food groups... grease and preservatives!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
LOL
Geez, my motives are totally selfish. If I wanted to do the most important thing I would quit smoking.
I get high from going to the gym.
And then there's this bare chested stud muffin
tena
Geez, my motives are totally selfish. If I wanted to do the most important thing I would quit smoking.
I get high from going to the gym.
And then there's this bare chested stud muffin
tena
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Tena,
The sad thing is I TRIED being the bare chested person at the gym. No one noticed!...lol
And Just Tired,
Feel free to come over and use my equipment, but you'll have to dust it off first.
Gee, I'm finding this REFRESHING...talking about our out of shape bodies instead of our A'S!! I think all the expert Al Anon's would be proud. We ARE focusing on ourselves!!!!
The sad thing is I TRIED being the bare chested person at the gym. No one noticed!...lol
And Just Tired,
Feel free to come over and use my equipment, but you'll have to dust it off first.
Gee, I'm finding this REFRESHING...talking about our out of shape bodies instead of our A'S!! I think all the expert Al Anon's would be proud. We ARE focusing on ourselves!!!!
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I READ THIS POST AND IT WAS ALMOST WATCHING MYSELF WRITING IT. I TO HAVE HAD THIS HAPPEN TO ME. HERE I AM WITH A 18 MONTH OLD CHILD AND A THREE YR RELATIONSHIP THAT HAD TO END BECAUSE IT WAS UNHEALTHY BUT YET I GET SO DAMN ANGRY KNOWING THAT HE IS OUT THERE WITH THIS NEW GIRLFRIEND FROM JUST RECENTLY AND LIVING WITH HER ALREADY. WHAT IS THAT? I MEAN COME ON. IT HAS TO STOP SOMEWHERE. IT EATS ME UP. AND WHEN I LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER I WORRY THAT SOMEDAY SHE WILL SEE ALL OF THIS AS WELL. SHE DONT KNOW HIM. SHE HASNT SEEN HIM IN 10 MONTHS BUT ITS JUST THE THOUGHT THAT HERE I AM TRYING TO COPE WITH IT ALL AND GET WELL AND THEN SOMETIME DOWN THE ROAD I HOPE SHE DONT HAVE THIS PAIN WITH HIM BECAUSE I DONT KNOW IF I COULD HANDLE GOING THROUGH IT ALL OVER AGAIN AS I TRY TO PROTECT HER FROM THIS EVIL MAN/DISEASE. DO THESE TYPES OF MEN HAVE A HEART?OR IS IT JUST TO MAKE SURE WE ARE STILL HURTING. I WILL NEVER KNOW. I WOULD LOVE TO PUT HIM IN A ROOM AND TORTURE HIM SOMETIMES BUT THEN AGAIN WHY EXPOSE MYSELF TO HIS STUPIDITY ONCE AGAIN.
AS FOR THE DETECTIVE BUSINESS I GOT QUITE GOOD AT THAT. AND I FOUND HIM A FEW DIFFERENT TIMES CHEATING ON ME. AND WHEN I SEE HIM WITH A WOMAN IT ALMOSTS DESTROYS ME ALL OVER AGAIN AND MAKES ME REMEMBER ALL THOSE AWFU TIMES. WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?
AS FOR THE DETECTIVE BUSINESS I GOT QUITE GOOD AT THAT. AND I FOUND HIM A FEW DIFFERENT TIMES CHEATING ON ME. AND WHEN I SEE HIM WITH A WOMAN IT ALMOSTS DESTROYS ME ALL OVER AGAIN AND MAKES ME REMEMBER ALL THOSE AWFU TIMES. WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?
Paused
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
I learned a long time ago that our obsessing over someone is really our sickness. We go nuts because we can see the future. Being all alone. Losing him to someone else.
We cannot stop them even though we think if we watch them all the time somehow we can change things.
One of the most important things I did which really helped is getting a book called"Co-Dependant No More."
It teaches you things like being able to go on with your life which stopped the day you decided to use all your energy to stop them.
It teaches you to be good to your self. To love yourself more than him. And when you can do that you will be on your road to recovery.
Good luck,
Davidsmom
We cannot stop them even though we think if we watch them all the time somehow we can change things.
One of the most important things I did which really helped is getting a book called"Co-Dependant No More."
It teaches you things like being able to go on with your life which stopped the day you decided to use all your energy to stop them.
It teaches you to be good to your self. To love yourself more than him. And when you can do that you will be on your road to recovery.
Good luck,
Davidsmom
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