Re-establishing relationship ??s
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Indianapolis Indiana
Posts: 9
Re-establishing relationship ??s
Hi all,
I posted my story a couple days ago & have been reading posts/responses here as much as I have time for, but I have questions that I haven't seen addressed here so far in my reading...so here goes
I posted that I've been married to an ah for 22 years (3 children--youngest age 15) & that we are currently separated. I had been talking w/my ah since late last year about my unhappiness due to his drinking giving him fair warning about what was to come. Fast forward to this summer--I gave him an ultimatum--drinking or me--& he chose drinking. He bought a home & moved out, then I filed for divorce. It was so strange because all through the time we always got along (although I was hearbroken) & he said he still loved me, but no one was going to "change" him. I went to counseling throughout this time & have been working on my co-dependent tendencies.
Fast forward a couple more months (about 3 weeks after he moved into his new home) & he calls me saying he's made a huge mistake. He wanted to do "whatever" it takes to make our marriage work. He stopped drinking, started counseling & is begging me for forgiveness. This is where we've been now for about 7 weeks.
Although I asked in my previous posts about people working thruough relationship problems in recovery, etc, my previous post dealt more w/my hubby's not going to AA--he's doing his own thing, I guess, which is working to an extent. The problem is that he is so focused on me & our relationship (or lack there-of) that I don't think he's really in recovery. I've told him that I need space (sometimes LOTS of it) & that he needs to get a life! Find something else to focus on besides me--he really is suffocating at times! When we went to his counselor this past week, I explained (basically re-lived) the rejection I lived through this summer & it really is a bigger issue for me than I'd like to admit. He chose drinking over me & I can't forgive him for that. As much as my head tells me that he is trying to change, I can't let my wall down & expose myself to that kind of hurt again. He says that he was a different person then (drinking) & now that he's thinking clearly he can't believe what he did. I know this is different from infidelity, but I read what Harley Girl is struggling with her hubby & I feel exactly the same way. In fact, I told my counselor that the way I feel now, if I did try to work it out with my hubby, I know I couldn't be nice--in fact, I feel so vindictive. I've tried to tell him that I don't think this will work, but he's willing to give it more time. I just don't think there's enough time left right now...any words of wisdom from anyone that's been in similar situation??
I posted my story a couple days ago & have been reading posts/responses here as much as I have time for, but I have questions that I haven't seen addressed here so far in my reading...so here goes
I posted that I've been married to an ah for 22 years (3 children--youngest age 15) & that we are currently separated. I had been talking w/my ah since late last year about my unhappiness due to his drinking giving him fair warning about what was to come. Fast forward to this summer--I gave him an ultimatum--drinking or me--& he chose drinking. He bought a home & moved out, then I filed for divorce. It was so strange because all through the time we always got along (although I was hearbroken) & he said he still loved me, but no one was going to "change" him. I went to counseling throughout this time & have been working on my co-dependent tendencies.
Fast forward a couple more months (about 3 weeks after he moved into his new home) & he calls me saying he's made a huge mistake. He wanted to do "whatever" it takes to make our marriage work. He stopped drinking, started counseling & is begging me for forgiveness. This is where we've been now for about 7 weeks.
Although I asked in my previous posts about people working thruough relationship problems in recovery, etc, my previous post dealt more w/my hubby's not going to AA--he's doing his own thing, I guess, which is working to an extent. The problem is that he is so focused on me & our relationship (or lack there-of) that I don't think he's really in recovery. I've told him that I need space (sometimes LOTS of it) & that he needs to get a life! Find something else to focus on besides me--he really is suffocating at times! When we went to his counselor this past week, I explained (basically re-lived) the rejection I lived through this summer & it really is a bigger issue for me than I'd like to admit. He chose drinking over me & I can't forgive him for that. As much as my head tells me that he is trying to change, I can't let my wall down & expose myself to that kind of hurt again. He says that he was a different person then (drinking) & now that he's thinking clearly he can't believe what he did. I know this is different from infidelity, but I read what Harley Girl is struggling with her hubby & I feel exactly the same way. In fact, I told my counselor that the way I feel now, if I did try to work it out with my hubby, I know I couldn't be nice--in fact, I feel so vindictive. I've tried to tell him that I don't think this will work, but he's willing to give it more time. I just don't think there's enough time left right now...any words of wisdom from anyone that's been in similar situation??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
Hi Limbo- are you working on a program for yourself? al-anon would be a good place to start. i found your thread title to be interesting because that seems to be where i am presently. although he is still out of the house and still has not made any changes to his drinking/drugging. it is weird to say the least, but this period has been a good cooling off for me as well. I realize that i need to take as much time as i need to see if this relationship is ever going to revive or not. i also have finally seen that i need to really be very aware of what is mine (emotionally) and what is his. i have been known to leave a relationship and never look back--but this marriage has 3 kids in it who love their dad very much. i also realize that i cannot force him to quit his addictions-because even if i did he would resent me for it and it still feels like a controlling attitude on my part. but aside from that, certain actions on his part indicate to me that he is doing the best that he can with what he has- and eventually, it will be up to him ultimately what path he shall choose for himself. Fortunately, my HP has lead me through this every step of the way, and miraculously (plus a lot of help from my friends -al-anon and SR) i have had a wonderfully soft landing through this "crisis". so what i am saying to you is -you are allowed to take all the time you need to figure out what you want for you!
take care of yourself first and let the rest go. good luck and God bless!
take care of yourself first and let the rest go. good luck and God bless!
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by limboland
Hi all,
I know this is different from infidelity, but I read what Harley Girl is struggling with her hubby & I feel exactly the same way.
I know this is different from infidelity, but I read what Harley Girl is struggling with her hubby & I feel exactly the same way.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Limbo, I went through a not dissimilar experience with my ex last year. He decided to give up drinking, was actually going to AA (I think), but all he wanted to do was focus on our relationship. Every day, books would be arriving from Amazon about couples, sex and healing relationships etc etc. I knew I needed to do some work on myself, but he implied that I was being selfish to do that and would not accept that we both needed to work on our own recovery before we could have a healthy relationship. Like you, I felt totally suffocated - he would not allow me one iota of emotional space to deal with anything that had happened.
In the end, I decided that this was just as selfish as his drinking, so when he had a relapse (I'm being generous, I don't think he was ever in recovery), I decided to end the relationship. I couldn't see any of it working.
Anyway, our relationship can't have been that important to him - he was on-line dating within 6 weeks and engaged again within 6 months.
In the end, I decided that this was just as selfish as his drinking, so when he had a relapse (I'm being generous, I don't think he was ever in recovery), I decided to end the relationship. I couldn't see any of it working.
Anyway, our relationship can't have been that important to him - he was on-line dating within 6 weeks and engaged again within 6 months.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I want to ask a question. Do you like your husband? I don't mean love or familiarity, more do you like him?
Also you said how you felt he chose booze over you and that was hard to forgive - maybe he realises that so is now trying to chose you over the booze rather than LIFE over the booze - does that make sense?
When he chose the booze you saw that in competition with you not his own life (and yup - I know the feeling!), but sometimes our perceptions can be wrong. Perhaps you've both had a part to play in making booze or 'the relationship' a choice of just two alternatives?
It's a load of questions but I know only you can answer them - they need to be questions because I don't really know all that's happened.
Also you said how you felt he chose booze over you and that was hard to forgive - maybe he realises that so is now trying to chose you over the booze rather than LIFE over the booze - does that make sense?
When he chose the booze you saw that in competition with you not his own life (and yup - I know the feeling!), but sometimes our perceptions can be wrong. Perhaps you've both had a part to play in making booze or 'the relationship' a choice of just two alternatives?
It's a load of questions but I know only you can answer them - they need to be questions because I don't really know all that's happened.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey limboland,you say that your hub "chose" drinking over you,.I use to believe this also,and took it personally,because i knew nothing at all about alcoholism.Alcoholism is a disease,of the mind,spirit,and body.its an obbession.Its not about you or me,personally.Without some form of recovery help,its way to much.The power of choice,at times is no longer there.To ask sick folks to behave as if they are well,was my problem.They are not capable to do this without recovery.
You say that you feel vindictive.Of course you do,i did to,until i learned that i too need recovery,for my own part in da mess.Alcoholism is oftened called the family disease.My own thinking,my own issues,added to all the problems.Its not just about him.Although i first thought that it was.Because i was focusing more on him,blaming him,not looking at my own part,and what i was doing.it really wasnt until i came to steps4-9 in Al-anon,and for me AA,that this really hit home.I could see for myself where i added to all our problems.Times when things were bad,i made them worse,and bigger than it needed to be.Taking responsibility,for myself.Forcusing on my recovery.In tern,realizing that im not perfect,either,kindness,comes into my heart,for him.And now im treating him,better.really knowing that he is not well.And at that time i wasnt either.Im weller,today...lol...Let it begin with me.No matter what hub is doing.To let go,let God work in another.To give,rather than recieive.No longer my,tally sheet,if i do this,he needs to do that...No.Im not setting myself up for hurt,with expectaions/judgements, on what i think another should do.Being grateful for all that he does do,instead.Forgivness,sets me free,to love again.None of this would be,had i not gone for recovery for myself.And turned my will,my life over to the care of God.
Im worthy of recovery,no matter what others do or dont do.
Thanks for lettting me share,
God Bless,and take care,,,One Day At A Time!!!!
You say that you feel vindictive.Of course you do,i did to,until i learned that i too need recovery,for my own part in da mess.Alcoholism is oftened called the family disease.My own thinking,my own issues,added to all the problems.Its not just about him.Although i first thought that it was.Because i was focusing more on him,blaming him,not looking at my own part,and what i was doing.it really wasnt until i came to steps4-9 in Al-anon,and for me AA,that this really hit home.I could see for myself where i added to all our problems.Times when things were bad,i made them worse,and bigger than it needed to be.Taking responsibility,for myself.Forcusing on my recovery.In tern,realizing that im not perfect,either,kindness,comes into my heart,for him.And now im treating him,better.really knowing that he is not well.And at that time i wasnt either.Im weller,today...lol...Let it begin with me.No matter what hub is doing.To let go,let God work in another.To give,rather than recieive.No longer my,tally sheet,if i do this,he needs to do that...No.Im not setting myself up for hurt,with expectaions/judgements, on what i think another should do.Being grateful for all that he does do,instead.Forgivness,sets me free,to love again.None of this would be,had i not gone for recovery for myself.And turned my will,my life over to the care of God.
Im worthy of recovery,no matter what others do or dont do.
Thanks for lettting me share,
God Bless,and take care,,,One Day At A Time!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Indianapolis Indiana
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by equus
Also you said how you felt he chose booze over you and that was hard to forgive - maybe he realises that so is now trying to chose you over the booze rather than LIFE over the booze - does that make sense?
You guys are awesome!! Such great advice from so many that have been there.
I didn't see/speak w/my hubby yesterday, but called him tonight to go to a high school game & we had a good time. I explained to him specifically what he did Sunday night that made me feel so suffocated, & he really backed off tonight making it much more enjoyable/comfortable for me. I would love to get used to a new "normal" with him. He tries so hard, too hard, to be so nice, loving, etc. when he's around me, it's driving me crazy! One of my good friends warned me "be careful what you wish for"--how true this is!!
Although I haven't attended an AlAnon meeting, I've read Co-Dependent No More twice now & have become much more aware of these tendencies in myself. My hubby also read the book--I wanted him to know what I'm going through. He also bought both of us copies of Relationship Rescue (Dr Phil's book)--he's read it, I haven't yet.
Tonight I'm feeling very at peace & grateful--my hubby has been sober for almost two months, my kids are great, I have a good job, home & family--plus I found this website which is such a help. I know that things are far from perfect in my life right now, but I do have so much to be thankful for!
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