What are men REALLY looking for?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Syracuse, New York
Posts: 21
What are men REALLY looking for?
I've never had the courage to ask these questions because I thought I would get laughed at. This forum gives me the opportunity to ask questions while my face is turning red and you can't look into my eyes to see how odd I feel. Well, here goes.
My AH who has had at least six affairs, has always told me that men don't find woman who exercise attractive. He says that men want women who have big hips and some fat on their thighs, and other large attributes. He tells me that my body is too hard and that makes me not woman enough. I guess I am so confused. I work so hard at keeping in shape. I thought looking young and having energy was a good thing. But after seeing what my husband chose to have affairs with, I'm very confused.
He also tells me that since I was inexperienced when we were married, that turns him off. I thought I was giving a gift to him. I saved myself to share with the man I married. Is there something wrong with that? I thought maybe he would show me what to do. I know I'm a bit clueless in bed, but shouldn't he have taught me what he wanted instead of finding it with other men's wives?! I was a clean slate and he could have molded me into whatever he expected from his wife. He knew how I was when he asked me to marry him. After 20 years of marriage, I keep asking myself why did he want to marry me then? What is it men want?
Suzie
My AH who has had at least six affairs, has always told me that men don't find woman who exercise attractive. He says that men want women who have big hips and some fat on their thighs, and other large attributes. He tells me that my body is too hard and that makes me not woman enough. I guess I am so confused. I work so hard at keeping in shape. I thought looking young and having energy was a good thing. But after seeing what my husband chose to have affairs with, I'm very confused.
He also tells me that since I was inexperienced when we were married, that turns him off. I thought I was giving a gift to him. I saved myself to share with the man I married. Is there something wrong with that? I thought maybe he would show me what to do. I know I'm a bit clueless in bed, but shouldn't he have taught me what he wanted instead of finding it with other men's wives?! I was a clean slate and he could have molded me into whatever he expected from his wife. He knew how I was when he asked me to marry him. After 20 years of marriage, I keep asking myself why did he want to marry me then? What is it men want?
Suzie
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Tyler, Texas
Posts: 1,028
OMG !!!! You have to be kidding me !!!
Sweetheart please do NOT listen to him !!! Stay healthy !!! Go to my thread in newcomers about the Gastric Bypass surgey I am going to have to have and see all the health problems I have had because of all the extra weight....they are telling me I could die.
You are just fine stay healthy please
Sweetheart please do NOT listen to him !!! Stay healthy !!! Go to my thread in newcomers about the Gastric Bypass surgey I am going to have to have and see all the health problems I have had because of all the extra weight....they are telling me I could die.
You are just fine stay healthy please
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Suzie, there is nothing wrong with the way you look or how you feel.
There is something very wrong with a man who would belittle you as much as your husband has.
All he's doing is trying to justify his infidelity by being cruel to you.
You don't deserve that.
Not one bit.
There is something very wrong with a man who would belittle you as much as your husband has.
All he's doing is trying to justify his infidelity by being cruel to you.
You don't deserve that.
Not one bit.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
You are what real men want
Hi SuzieA'
You sound great just the way you are. Your husband is fool. In his alcoholic brain he was lying to you to make you feel bad about yourself. In his warped thinking, making you feel bad about yourself, made him feel better about himself.
Men appreciate women who take care of their bodies. You also seem to have a good heart.
I am also newly separated from my wife of 19 years, after discovering her affair with a drunk in rehab. It is scary be single again, wondering if we can find someone again who will love us.
Lets take our time....and find someone special!
You sound great just the way you are. Your husband is fool. In his alcoholic brain he was lying to you to make you feel bad about yourself. In his warped thinking, making you feel bad about yourself, made him feel better about himself.
Men appreciate women who take care of their bodies. You also seem to have a good heart.
I am also newly separated from my wife of 19 years, after discovering her affair with a drunk in rehab. It is scary be single again, wondering if we can find someone again who will love us.
Lets take our time....and find someone special!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Suzie - Not every man wants the same thing. Your H wants to maintain his addiction and denial of his addiction at any cost. Your self esteem and your self image is a very minor expense to him... DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM. Most men want a woman that is their best freind, soul mate. Someone to learn about them selves and each other together. Grow together and grow old together. Tackle life together as equal partners. You already know in your heart the answer to this question.
You deserve better, set your boundaries and stick to them.
You deserve better, set your boundaries and stick to them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Suzie,
Could you punch in this name andifekete on your browser and then go to the web-site that comes up. It's all about emotional and psychological abuse which your husband is doing to you.
Also if you can, buy a book called No Visible Wounds by Mary Susan Miller. It's about identifying the nonphysical abuse of women by their men.
You are living with a very sick, abusive man. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing so keep doing it.
Your husband is making you the scapegoat for his unacceptable behavior.
Ngaire
Could you punch in this name andifekete on your browser and then go to the web-site that comes up. It's all about emotional and psychological abuse which your husband is doing to you.
Also if you can, buy a book called No Visible Wounds by Mary Susan Miller. It's about identifying the nonphysical abuse of women by their men.
You are living with a very sick, abusive man. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing so keep doing it.
Your husband is making you the scapegoat for his unacceptable behavior.
Ngaire
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Low self esteem. Not feeling worthy of such a wonderful gift that you are so he looks elsewhere.
I could type all day the thoughts that would go through his mind and the wrong justifications he uses to condone his actions. But what it comes down to...
His actions are wrong and you shouldn't be comparing yourself to his ill gotten choices. What comes out of his mouth is not truth...it is denial and justifications of his own mind set.
You won't ever figure out his mind. If you match yourself up to what he says he likes... he would find other reasons if he wants to continue his poor behaviors.
You are a wonderful gift. Don't let his actions tell you different...his issues have nothing to do with who you are...it is his issues that bring out his actions...Not you.
I could type all day the thoughts that would go through his mind and the wrong justifications he uses to condone his actions. But what it comes down to...
His actions are wrong and you shouldn't be comparing yourself to his ill gotten choices. What comes out of his mouth is not truth...it is denial and justifications of his own mind set.
You won't ever figure out his mind. If you match yourself up to what he says he likes... he would find other reasons if he wants to continue his poor behaviors.
You are a wonderful gift. Don't let his actions tell you different...his issues have nothing to do with who you are...it is his issues that bring out his actions...Not you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I agree with everything that's been said so far!! I'd also like to add that had you let yourself "go"... even a little, and had the "big hips and some fat on their thighs, and other large attributes"... he'd still cheat on you.
It's not about you Sweetie... it's all about him. Keep taking care of you, and love yourself... that's ALL that matters, I promise.
It's not about you Sweetie... it's all about him. Keep taking care of you, and love yourself... that's ALL that matters, I promise.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Suzie - It wouldn't matter what you looked like - he would still find reasons to make you feel like two cents. He is abusive - period. Some professional help (counselling or therapy) would help you to see that clearly, and help you to learn to love your beautiful self.
Robin
Robin
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Suzie...
I wish I could say it better than everyone has already said it, but I can't. Just read what others have shared and let it make that long journey from your head to your heart.
Someone once shared with me nine words that really help. I wrote them on a sticky note and carried them in my pocket for months, reading them until they became true for me. They are:
I AM ENOUGH.
I HAVE ENOUGH.
I DO ENOUGH.
If you've not been to Al-Anon, this may be a good time to start. If you have, maybe there's a meeting you could get to tonight...? Al-Anon helped me get my self-esteem back.
I wish I could say it better than everyone has already said it, but I can't. Just read what others have shared and let it make that long journey from your head to your heart.
Someone once shared with me nine words that really help. I wrote them on a sticky note and carried them in my pocket for months, reading them until they became true for me. They are:
I AM ENOUGH.
I HAVE ENOUGH.
I DO ENOUGH.
If you've not been to Al-Anon, this may be a good time to start. If you have, maybe there's a meeting you could get to tonight...? Al-Anon helped me get my self-esteem back.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
That is a form of verbal abuse. I had a friend and her husband always nocked her breast size saying he loved bigs ones. He seemed to forget hers were big before she nursed his babies. Its a line of BS. Good for you for being in shape. I wish I made my health a priority in my life.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Suzie,
Everything that has been said beore to you is true.
If you don't already go to al-anon meetings please try 6 meetings BEFORE you decided whether it is for you.
Two things I have done in my recovery is to read a book called, HOW MUCH OF ME TO DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP TO BE LOVED MY YOU. It helped me so very much.
As so try repeating every hour on the hour: Just because he says it doesn't make it so.
Just as no two weman are alike neither are two men.
Everything that has been said beore to you is true.
If you don't already go to al-anon meetings please try 6 meetings BEFORE you decided whether it is for you.
Two things I have done in my recovery is to read a book called, HOW MUCH OF ME TO DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP TO BE LOVED MY YOU. It helped me so very much.
As so try repeating every hour on the hour: Just because he says it doesn't make it so.
Just as no two weman are alike neither are two men.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Add On my computer is acting up! I would never allow a man to talk to me in a negative manner. I often have said to girlfriends with hang ups Tell the guys" if they do not like it do not look" . It still must hurt. I am a B I just say Kiss Off. When he knows it no longer bothers you, he may stop the nonsense.
Just a thought! Take Care, Kerry
Just a thought! Take Care, Kerry
Guest
Posts: n/a
What everybody else said.
Sounds like he's just trying to duck his responsibilty of the action by placing lame blame on you. My ex-wife did the same to me when she had affairs.
As far as what men want, its too broad of a question. We're not all the same, we don't think the same, look at things the same way, there is no general rulebook for a man. Just like there isn't for women.
As bad as it might hurt, as hard as it might be to believe, the problem is not you. Not at all. If somebody else was his SO instead of you right now, he'd be cheating on her and blame her instead.
You will do all kinds of damage to yourself, inside and out, if you keep trying to fit what he says he wants. In the meantime, he'll keep doing what he's doing until he decides to get help for whatever problem he has.
Sounds like he's just trying to duck his responsibilty of the action by placing lame blame on you. My ex-wife did the same to me when she had affairs.
As far as what men want, its too broad of a question. We're not all the same, we don't think the same, look at things the same way, there is no general rulebook for a man. Just like there isn't for women.
As bad as it might hurt, as hard as it might be to believe, the problem is not you. Not at all. If somebody else was his SO instead of you right now, he'd be cheating on her and blame her instead.
You will do all kinds of damage to yourself, inside and out, if you keep trying to fit what he says he wants. In the meantime, he'll keep doing what he's doing until he decides to get help for whatever problem he has.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Oh Suzie, I am so sorry you are going through this.
He is just trying to force you to take the blame for his moral defects of character so he doesn't have to look at himself and take responsibility for his actions.
Don't let him dump on you like that.
Sounds like you are a great person, don't change a thing, stay who you are, don't change into what you think he wants you to be. He will still cheat, it won't solve anything.
Until he is willing to take a look at himself, he will continue to try and FORCE you to take the blame for what he is doing. Don't let him do that to you. He can only give it to you if you are willing to take it.
He is just trying to force you to take the blame for his moral defects of character so he doesn't have to look at himself and take responsibility for his actions.
Don't let him dump on you like that.
Sounds like you are a great person, don't change a thing, stay who you are, don't change into what you think he wants you to be. He will still cheat, it won't solve anything.
Until he is willing to take a look at himself, he will continue to try and FORCE you to take the blame for what he is doing. Don't let him do that to you. He can only give it to you if you are willing to take it.
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