Lyn000

Hello everyone. It's great to post for the first time on such a wonderful board, from what I have read. I really really need help right now.
I have been married for 6 years now and we have a 19 month old baby boy. My husband has an alcohol problem. I don't know if he is an alcoholic or if he has a dependancy problem with alcohol. All I know is that his drinking needs to stop but my husband will not listen to me nor hear me out about it. I have known my husband for 10 years and his drinking problem started about 2 years into our marriage and only progressed to getting worse. He went to AA ONE and ONLY time last year then stopped. He brought home all the packets and numbers of sponcers but never went when he was supposed to. Please know that I'm not a quitter and that I try to drill it into his head, which is a lot, every chance I get that we need and deserve help. I have firmly talked about it, softly, used the phrase, "I feel" a lot, yelled, cried, etc. but nothing has worked for me to get my husband to hear and feel my pain-the pain that his drinking problem has and is putting me through. Believe me, I have tried everything I could think of thus far to get him to admit his drinking problem and get help. I turned to family but they all just give me talk - they don't walk the walk by helping me with advice or guidence or telling my husband that he has a problem and it needs to stop. I have talked to my husband till I'm blue in the face and all I get are empty promises. I want to go to Marriage Counceling with him but he makes up excuses to go and will not make the time with me to do it. I do not want a divorce. I know it would only make things worse and it would not solve anything. My husband does not want a divorce. He does love me but does not want to get rid of his drinking.
He started as a social drinker then it turned to him sneaking off to the bar with male co workers - sometimes he would tell me after the fact, other times he wouldn't. I would never get phone calls from him while he was out at the bar or a "friend's" house. Then, he started drinking at home and domestic voilence happened-only while he was drunk. It was not a sober man that did it. It was never in him but when he gets drunk, he gets very angry and this rage is unleashed out on me. I never make excuses for it whether it happened once or four times. He was once locked up for it overnight. He did not slap me but he did insult me, badgered me, pushed me, grabbed my arms and would not stop when I told him to. After his one time overnight stay at the police station, he stopped drinking for one year on his own. Then it started right back up and now, he cannot stop at one or two beers. If there is beer in the house, he will drink it until it is gone then go to the store-yes driving on top of that-and get more and continues to drink till he passes out. He will do this on work days and or weekends. But when my husband is sober, it is the best thing in my life. He is the kindest, most loving person as if he was when we first met. But when he drinks, no matter how much, the arguements start and he insults me. Sometimes I insult him back, sometimes I don't. Last month, I told him I had it with his drinking. He then stopped drinking on his own for two weeks then started back up again, even now, and told me that I have to accept it. My husband just told me this eariler today and he had a total of 10 sixteen ounce beers since 1pm today. He passed out at 9pm tonight.
My questions are : What do I do now? I feel like I have to force counceling and AA now. My family and his family both say that they feel for me but they haven't talked to my husband about his problem. They won't help me. My husband will not listen to me but I know if someone told him what he is doing is in fact wrong, I know he will listen more to someone else, because it isn't his wife that is telling him that. I want to help him through this and get my husband back, the very same man I saw when he was sober just a few weeks ago. I'm so tired of living this hamster wheel life with him but he refuses to hear the truth from me. I'm tired of him blaming me for his problems and the stress in his life, I'm tired of him saying that everything is my fault and not his, I'm so tired of his terrible selfishness! All I want is to have the marriage we started it out with and a better life. What else can I do??? I will do whatever it takes to get him to stop and become the man he was and the man I know him to be when sober. I will go to support groups for families and loved ones while he goes to AA, I will go to marriage counceling with him, I will support him through this, I will call anyone I need to if I have to at anytime. But he will not listen to me and trust me to get the help that we both need and deserve. He will not do it even for our son's sake. He is in too much denial over the entire thing. Based on facts, he is himself when he doesn't drink for days, weeks, or months. Our problems that were caused by the alcohol fade, etc. I will do anything to get that back. I just feel so utterly alone right now that I need to talk to someone to give me advice about my husband and I, and what I can do to make him see that help is the best solution for all of us! I will fight for my marriage to my husband! Please, do not tell me to get a divorce or leave him-since I've known him for 10 years, I know for a fact that will not solve anything. I just want positive reenforcement and how to get the help we so desperately need.
Sorry so long but this has been building up for years now. I can't take it anymore...I have to speak up and get help for me and my husband. My son, myself, and my husband all deserve much much much more than this, especially my son!!

Thank you!

best

Hello Lyn
Welcome to SR

As you have found, you tried everything and nothing has worked yet.
Till he is ready to seek recovery on his own...nothing will work.

You may want to look into Al Anon meetings. You will find help, support, and answers to many of your questions there.
Need to find the tools that allow you to find peace, as you let him deal with his issues. You can't change him but you can change how you react to his poor behavior and actions.
Look about, ask questions, and as people show up, they will leave answers.

jordan1980

Hello Lyn,

I am glad you have found SR, it is a wonderful place, with lots of support. Stick around, maybe check out some Al-anon meetings, they are a big help.

Take care

Godblessu

Hi, I am in the same situation with you. I have been married to my AH for 10 years. We have two small daugthers. His drinking started 3 yrs ago and has progesssively worsen, as well as his behaviour. My AH is a wonderful person when he is sober. I know it suck to live with this disease. My AH is like two different person.

Please take care of yourself. Your AH will not stop until he is ready. When??? We would never know. I would think after all the negative consequences from my AH drinking that my AH would stop anyday now. But NO. So the best thing is to take care of yourself and your little son. I tried to point out to him about his drinking but he is in denial. So why waste our time, right?

Please go to Alanon. It helps me tremendously.

Dream_Chaser8

Hi Lyn...

Sorry to hear what you and your son are going through. Beside what all the others have mentioned to help you, here is another tool that has helped me greatly...

http://stepchat.com/

Please give it a try.

God Bless...
Dream_Chaser8

reader

Welcome Lyn!!!! I very sorry life is going so bad for you. You are not alone in this we are here for you. All of us have dealt with different degrees of alcoholic behaviors. That being said, I can't add a whole lot to what Dakoda has written. I know how hard dealing with verbal abuse can be. When I was young I lived with a man who had addictions, he was very jealous and as a result tried to run me down. Verbal abuse really takes a toll on someone. If you want to stay in the marriage try not to argue with him when he is drinking. Detachment is very tough but it can happen. I worry about u with the past history of domestic violence. As hard as it is try to focus on yourself and your son. Do things that make u both happy. Your husband is in denial. He has to want to quit or it won't work. Just remember that life is about the journey!
Keep coming back there is alot of support and wisdom here!! Take Care, Kerry

cwohio

lyn - can't add much more than those above have posted - it's tough to finally get the concept of letting go and detachment - i had to physically leave the house when my AH was being verbally abusive - that was the only way i knew i wouldn't get sucked into playing the game. nothing you say will make him want to get help - HE has to "get" that himself. take care and keep posting!

Brammy

It took me a mintue to respond to your post as I can sooo relate to what you're saying. It IS hard to see what alcohol does to someone you love especially when you get to see the old person in those moments of sobriety. I don't know what advice I can give on the alcohol as my SO still drinks. What concerns me is if you are experiencing domestic violence, you should really look hard at your situation. Thank God that is not a problem for us but I understand that this almost always escalates.

As a mother, I know that you don't want your son to witness these things and trust me when I say that I understand how important your marriage is. I feel that if you stay in the situation as is, you are doing exactly what your husband is demanding 'Accepting it'. (This is just my opinion). I read from the positive posts here that Alanon can help you get coping skills and set boundaries. Maybe those skills will at least keep you out of harms way.

Lyn000

Hello everyone! Thank you so much for the uplifting and honest posts!! It has really made me "see the light"! I'm off to do what you all have suggested as that sounds like the best thing(s) for me and my son!! Thank you all, I can't thank you enough!! Please everyone, take GOOD CARE!! You are all in my thoughts and prayers!!

Daffodil

((((LynOOO)))

# 1. You are not alone unless you choose to be.

# 2. Without Al-Anon, my sponsors, my home group, meetings, and the Al-Anon literature I would not be where I am today. I was conviced I was the problem.

# 3. Do have a plan if the voilence happens again, such as extra car keys and money where you can get to them, a safe place to go.

# 4. READ ALL YOU CAN ABOUT THE FAMILY DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM as well as the sticklys at the top of this forum. YOU and your child deserve it.

Love and prayers from one who cares.

meli2005

I am sorry you are going thru all this. I know your pain right now. Also, it must be hard with a little child at home who needs you so much anyway. You need the support of your spouse at this time and you need him 100%. I have a 17 mo. old son, so I TOTALLY understand!!


Unfortunately, you can tell him he has a problem, but he has to realize it himself. Alcoholism has such strong denial, it is very hard for the alcoholic to realize that they have a problem.

I personally do not think marriage counseling is going to help. He needs to stop drinking, then marriage counseling might help.

I am sorry domestic violence is involved, I would not accept it though even if he is drunk. He is putting you and your child at risk. You need to take care of you right now.

I highly recommend Alanon and I also think some individual counseling would be good, preferably with an addictions counselor.

My husband has now been sober for almost 40 days now. I recommended he go to see a counselor about his drinking. We got in contact with a great addictions counselor and it took a few mos for her to convince him he had a problem with his drinking. He was open to the counselor, but quitting drinking, well, that was another thing. My story is long, won't go into that.

But I Have to say it is never easy to teh be the spouse of an alcoholic. You have to take care of you or you will only be drug down, way down. So please take care of self!

Also, in order for the alcoholic to realize they have a problem, there needs to be consequences. I made my spouse move out of thehouse for a while after he decided to leave alcohol rehab for the 2nd time. We then found out after that that he had bipolar disorder as well as alcoholism, whcih I believe greatly made fighting alcoholism a lot harder than it normally is. Anyway, I think the time away in a lonely apt with few furnishings made him realize what he was missing out on. It was expensive, but I think had we not done that, he would still be drinking today.

Welll, I have rambled enough. HOpe this helps.

1212

Lyn000, I feel your pain. I am currently separated from my AH, although he was never physically abusive to me (I know he hit a previous girlfriend) and we don't have children. I am also an Alcoholic, but didn't realize this until after 13 years of marriage. For the first 5 years of our marriage I cried, pleaded, yelled, begged for him to stop drinking and smoking pot. I eventually believed that if I would just do it with him, I wouldn't have to worry about him anymore and whther he was cheating, wondering where he was or if he could get home (*I* drove us BOTH home drunk instead in the end).

4 years ago after another drunken fight, I opened my OWN saving account and put $100 bucks in it. I felt guilty about it, but I did it anyway. I put money in there every once in a while. About a year later, I took a class in something I thought I might want to do FOR ME, not him, but ME. I eventually made my way to AA/ALANON and therapy and meds for my own bipolar. Then I went and stayed with my family for a month last summer (2004)... just to see what it felt like. It was a 'vacation'... I just took some time to 'spend time with family'. Looking back I could have kicked HIM out, but I'm too co-dependent to do that. That's okay, though.

It's now another year later and we've been separated for 6 months. We DID go to counseling, he continues to drink and lie about it, and I still try not to feel guilty it's my fault, that I should love him unconditionally. I don't know if we'll stay married or not. I just wanted to let you know the things I did that have helped me.

The one thing I know for sure: he wasn't going to get sober if I kept doing the same things. *I* had to change, and stop accepting unnaceptable behavoir.

Sorry if I'm rambling, I've always found that hearing other people's stories helps me the most, so I thought I'd share.