imfedup

My husband has bipolar and alcoholism. He is only 33 and, in the last two years, he has been to hospitals and rehabs more than 20 times. He seems to be very disgusted by drinking but he keeps doing it. A few times he won’t stop until he reached a very manic and panic mode, then he calms down, and continues to drink. He's been seeing many psychiatrists and changing different medications, but none of the meds seem to work because of side effects or his relapse to drinking. He’s been out of job for over 1.5 years and 95% of the days he is drunk ever since. He has many physical illness too, and he knows he won’t live long if such things continue. But I guess because he is very controlling so he keeps relapsing. His situation has dramatically impacted my life: I have been spending a lot of days off work and money to help him get better, and I was not able to rest at home because he keeps me awake at night. I am so sick and tired of it until we finally decided to separate. He holds a lot of resentment against me since I don’t want him to come home and give him more money. Now that he stays at his own house which is waiting to be sold, I am still very worried about whether he is ok. I think he is not safe by himself. He does irrational things when he is drunk. How can I help my husband?

Although I have taken care the mortgage and all bills for our living, in the past year he has exhausted his 401K and IRA and home equity loan wasting on alcohol and irrational purchases. I believe if he has no money, he could do less harm to himself and be forced to be humble to get more help. But once he sold his house, he can have 100k in his bank to continue drinking, eating junk-food and the wild spending sprees. I know I need a divorce and to take care of my own business (job and health), but I am so worried he is going to die young just like his uncle did twenty years ago. His family does not want to deal with his problem, and I haven’t got much support from them. I thought about guardianship, but I don’t know whether it is doable and a good thing for me who really should not get involved, and my husband, who should reach a real bottom. What can I do?

reader

His meds may not be strong enough if he is still having manic episodes. He may be self medicating with alcohol. The alcohol is an depressent. Have his drs. tried a mix of lamictal and seroquel? The levels can go real high on those. Alcohol on top of any med. isn't good but his bipolar doesn't sound under control. He may have rapid cycling manic depression. Thats my 2 cents from a nurses perspective. From one wife to another this has to be a very hard time for you. Watching someone you care about go on a downward spiral is never easy. As far as your question about what can u do! You may need to protect your assests. The irrational spending is part of the illness. I wonder if you could freeze your assets to help cut of his spending. ie. cancel credit cards. Be honest tell them why. Manic episodes can get very expensive. The alcoholism is a kinda seperate issue. Only he can want to quit. My heart goes out to you. My H alcohol problems caused alot of hurt over the years. Your not alone! Take Care, Kerry

imfedup

Thanks, Kerry,

He has tried almost all meds under the sun. Because of his liver damage and other physical problems he cannot tolerate them well, also because they take time to titrate to the higher dosage, by the time the insurance runs out and he is out of the hospital, he started drinking again.

All our assets are separated. And just today we signed a sepration agreement so that it may be clear about who owns what, although NJ laws may ingnore such an agreement when there is a divorce. He is very controlling, and refused to cancel his credit cards, especially now that i don't let him to stay at my house. This is why I am thinking about guardianship. But he will be more resentfull of me though. His mood is unpredictable; one day he wants to give up every decision-making to me and the next day he claims I am too controlling! This is just part of the disease.

Zoey

Have you talked to an attorney?? I feel you need to be free of legal problems.
If he runs up credit cards even in his name only, I believe they can hold the spouse responsible. You can love and help, but not if you are paying off big debts.
Perhaps I don't understand. Perhaps you know the laws in your state. If community property woldn't you get half the money he gets on house if you were divorced.
I am concerned. Take care HUGS