Originally Posted by ASpouse

So, looking at my relationship with my husband and looking at yours, I have to question "What is nuts" and what isn't.

Originally Posted by equus

What if the words were changed from working on a relationship to tending to a relationship? I see work as something done purely for a different gain - where as I tend to what I care for because that's a pleasure in itself.

This is from my experience being included in D's recovery and from stuff I learned to do even with long friendships. The alcohol service decided to work with us together because they felt our already strong bond was an asset. Even so some of their time with us has been about finding even better ways to work together.


Tending to my relationship.
Here's some of the stuff I/we do and hope I/we keep doing.

* I greet him with a hug, when I come in, when he comes downstairs or back from a shop. Even a dog has the sense to welcome their mate, sometimes we'd do well to learn from them.

* Not to sleep on anger, to go to sleep friends.

* To not let resentments build but to clear the air every once in a while, we were told to try a sandwhich method for tackling something negative, e.g. "Thanks for taking the rubbish out, and for washing the pots, but please can you wipe down the surfaces too? The floor looks good though." At the very least 3 good things to each negative. The discipline helps us have to think of a more complete picture than just what's annoying us - it often lifts the anger and makes the comment just a comment, not an angry moan.

* Allow time for each other and doing things together.

* Forgiving each other mistakes - not ignoring them but actively being aware that unless by some miracle we wake up perfect they will happen, and will always happen.

* Treating each other with dignity and respect, not name calling (even if we row), not trying to judge motive, not telling the other one what they 'really' think, curtesy, listening, and building communication.

* Being specific in what we ask or expect of each other. Instead of 'I wish you would be tidier' it's better to say 'Please can you not leave your shoes in the middle of the room, would you be willing to put them under the table?' Then praise specifically for what's done. Hell, my Mum and Dad have been married for 36 years and they could do with learning that - they never seem to REALLY know what the other one wants, or REALLY say what they want.

* Being careful to be reasonable in what we expect of each other, knowing our roles and expecting each other to be responsible for their own parts, but also taking responsibility for our own part.

I can't think of all the stuff, that's just a few that I hope we never stop 'tending to'.

Last of all I hope we never stop learning about each other or knowing that there's still more to learn.