Looking for help
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi HadtoLeave, 
Welcome to SR!
Alot of great advice has been given already by the wonderful people on SR. They helped me out when I was caught up in the mess of a relationship with an xabf. Great support here. Keep posting and reading.
Alcoholism in a family is tough. They actually do not know that they are alcoholics. They came up that way. Everybody was drinking. It was as "normal" as taking out the trash every day.
My xabf's family all drinks. Generations back. Some more heavily than the others. His parents would drink beer and then fight verbally and then make up and then do it all over again. Constant chaos.
When xabf went to his parents and family and finally told them "I'm an alcoholic".......they didn't understand. "What's an alcoholic? You drink, but so do we. There's nothing wrong with that".
Totally clueless. When I met him over a year ago, he had been living alone, coming home every night for 10 years, drinking a 750 of vodka and slowly killing himself. The family didn't do a doggone thing about it.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. 11 years sobrierity. Don't want it at ALL in my life. So, when I met him and saw him that way, I tried to show him how I got sober. Got him to a doctor, a counselor, a good church, AA meetings.....but, he never stopped drinking.
Finally, after about 10 months of pushing him to stop drinking (which never works, by the way. They'll get sober when THEY want to get sober), and after I had told all of his family members off for enabling him all these years and just watching him kill himself and not doing a darn thing about it (went in one ear and out the other. They're still in denial), I told xabf that I was done. He was on his own. I was through with enabling him myself.
And, I walked away. That night, he tried to commit suicide, cut his wrists. Went to a hospital instay for a week then a 30 day "rehab" (more like a summer camp) and got kicked out for drinking on the 26th day.
Now, he's in a great 1 year rehab program out on a farm with 60 other men and he loves it. He's been sober now close to 50 days. He's doing SO much better than he was before. It's a major start. And, he chooses NOT to talk to his parents right now because they still bring him down and nag on him. They still don't get it.
So, the meaning of this story is........when the A is in a whole family of A's., it's that much harder to see what alcoholism is. To do that, they'd have to take responsibility for THEIR actions and drinking and they don't want to do that.
My heart goes out to you. You are doing the right thing and bless your heart......even your daughter is angry with you.That's not fair, is it?
There are PLENTY of people that are in your shoes that can help you and support you. This forum, for one. I can just imagine your anxiety about telling your story "one more time". You feel like no one's listening to you, but in actuality.........they really are. They are there to help.
You are not alone.
Keep posting!
((hugs))
Welcome to SR!
Alot of great advice has been given already by the wonderful people on SR. They helped me out when I was caught up in the mess of a relationship with an xabf. Great support here. Keep posting and reading.
Alcoholism in a family is tough. They actually do not know that they are alcoholics. They came up that way. Everybody was drinking. It was as "normal" as taking out the trash every day.
My xabf's family all drinks. Generations back. Some more heavily than the others. His parents would drink beer and then fight verbally and then make up and then do it all over again. Constant chaos.
When xabf went to his parents and family and finally told them "I'm an alcoholic".......they didn't understand. "What's an alcoholic? You drink, but so do we. There's nothing wrong with that".
Totally clueless. When I met him over a year ago, he had been living alone, coming home every night for 10 years, drinking a 750 of vodka and slowly killing himself. The family didn't do a doggone thing about it.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. 11 years sobrierity. Don't want it at ALL in my life. So, when I met him and saw him that way, I tried to show him how I got sober. Got him to a doctor, a counselor, a good church, AA meetings.....but, he never stopped drinking.
Finally, after about 10 months of pushing him to stop drinking (which never works, by the way. They'll get sober when THEY want to get sober), and after I had told all of his family members off for enabling him all these years and just watching him kill himself and not doing a darn thing about it (went in one ear and out the other. They're still in denial), I told xabf that I was done. He was on his own. I was through with enabling him myself.
And, I walked away. That night, he tried to commit suicide, cut his wrists. Went to a hospital instay for a week then a 30 day "rehab" (more like a summer camp) and got kicked out for drinking on the 26th day.
Now, he's in a great 1 year rehab program out on a farm with 60 other men and he loves it. He's been sober now close to 50 days. He's doing SO much better than he was before. It's a major start. And, he chooses NOT to talk to his parents right now because they still bring him down and nag on him. They still don't get it.
So, the meaning of this story is........when the A is in a whole family of A's., it's that much harder to see what alcoholism is. To do that, they'd have to take responsibility for THEIR actions and drinking and they don't want to do that.
My heart goes out to you. You are doing the right thing and bless your heart......even your daughter is angry with you.That's not fair, is it?
There are PLENTY of people that are in your shoes that can help you and support you. This forum, for one. I can just imagine your anxiety about telling your story "one more time". You feel like no one's listening to you, but in actuality.........they really are. They are there to help.
You are not alone.
Keep posting!
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
Hello Everyone, it's 4:15 PM
I found a NEW COMERS alanon group, for tonight, that starts at 7:00 PM. For some reason this group appeals to me, maybe because it's new comers.
I will be attending this group tonight, I promise.
Making a committment to someone, all of you that have responsed to me, has always pushed me to do keep my promises.
I will post when I return tonight - it maybe late because the place is almost 35 miles away.
Thank you for your support.
I found a NEW COMERS alanon group, for tonight, that starts at 7:00 PM. For some reason this group appeals to me, maybe because it's new comers.
I will be attending this group tonight, I promise.
Making a committment to someone, all of you that have responsed to me, has always pushed me to do keep my promises.
I will post when I return tonight - it maybe late because the place is almost 35 miles away.
Thank you for your support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
The Alanon meeting that was'nt there:
Well after driving one 1/2 hours in the dark, 30 minutes late, I finally found the church no one was there. There has not been meetings there for months. For 1/2 hour back home I cursed my AS and God. I was so felt so guilty at my reaction, regarding GOd. When I got home I found my AS online so sent him an IM. I told him what had happened and I did not beleive there was a GOD anymore. That he is able to drink, get drunk and go to bed and sleep.
I'm up every night I sleep only a few hours at a time, if I'm lucky. I had calmed down some, but from what he read between the lines he call me on the phone and gave me all kinds of hell. Sending me back to square one again.
Today I went out to the house, of course, I took him breakfast from Hardies. He was still mad and would not talk. He findly told me he was not sure if he loves me and he was thinking about a divorce. Well here I went again, I might as well been a mouse and gone back into the hole in the wall. He also said I was acting just like my mother, who lived 30 years with my alcoholic father. By the way I was the doer in the family - middle child - cooked, laundry, cleaned the home, took sibs to the babysitter in the morning before I went to school and picked them up after school - same sibs that are mad at me now. He said I always had to be right, it was my way or no way and control everything: him, our daughter and money. That I have never gotten along with our daughter, he's able to because he keeps his mouth shut. He said I don't listen, make decisions against him. Man he went on and on, of course I just totally fell apart, he did nothing to make things better for me. He told me his alcohol is his problem and has nothing to with me, that he's not going to AA and counseling is not going to work. I cried so hard coming back to my apartment I was physically sick. He told me to write down what I want out of this relationship - man I thought we were married all these years - I guess it's just a relationship. Relationshp s - Something he has had more than once within our marriage. Anyway he wants to see the list next weekend.
What happened, How did I fall back into his control again. I can't ever come back with a defense. What do I write something to make him happy.
What has happened. Maybe he's right I have to control and going to an Alanon meeting with out someone with me I don't feel any control.
Thank GOD for this message board, it seems to be my only outlet right now.
I'm feeling so alone and lost, the crying is getting worse and harder. Why am I so addicted to him? Maybe because I went from my parents home, age 16, right into his home.
Thanks for listening.
Well after driving one 1/2 hours in the dark, 30 minutes late, I finally found the church no one was there. There has not been meetings there for months. For 1/2 hour back home I cursed my AS and God. I was so felt so guilty at my reaction, regarding GOd. When I got home I found my AS online so sent him an IM. I told him what had happened and I did not beleive there was a GOD anymore. That he is able to drink, get drunk and go to bed and sleep.
I'm up every night I sleep only a few hours at a time, if I'm lucky. I had calmed down some, but from what he read between the lines he call me on the phone and gave me all kinds of hell. Sending me back to square one again.
Today I went out to the house, of course, I took him breakfast from Hardies. He was still mad and would not talk. He findly told me he was not sure if he loves me and he was thinking about a divorce. Well here I went again, I might as well been a mouse and gone back into the hole in the wall. He also said I was acting just like my mother, who lived 30 years with my alcoholic father. By the way I was the doer in the family - middle child - cooked, laundry, cleaned the home, took sibs to the babysitter in the morning before I went to school and picked them up after school - same sibs that are mad at me now. He said I always had to be right, it was my way or no way and control everything: him, our daughter and money. That I have never gotten along with our daughter, he's able to because he keeps his mouth shut. He said I don't listen, make decisions against him. Man he went on and on, of course I just totally fell apart, he did nothing to make things better for me. He told me his alcohol is his problem and has nothing to with me, that he's not going to AA and counseling is not going to work. I cried so hard coming back to my apartment I was physically sick. He told me to write down what I want out of this relationship - man I thought we were married all these years - I guess it's just a relationship. Relationshp s - Something he has had more than once within our marriage. Anyway he wants to see the list next weekend.
What happened, How did I fall back into his control again. I can't ever come back with a defense. What do I write something to make him happy.
What has happened. Maybe he's right I have to control and going to an Alanon meeting with out someone with me I don't feel any control.
Thank GOD for this message board, it seems to be my only outlet right now.
I'm feeling so alone and lost, the crying is getting worse and harder. Why am I so addicted to him? Maybe because I went from my parents home, age 16, right into his home.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus Ga
Posts: 68
Okay Hadto
Its timeto take care of you. He was absolutely right that AA or not is HIS choice. Counseling or not is HIS choice. The only person YOU can chagne is you. Stop taking him breakfast. He's a grown man let him stand or fall on his own. Forget his list. Get a lawyer ask for everything including attorney's fees it will probably get sorted out before court in mediation.
You have a choice to make now, although it is a hard one. You have given your life up to everyone, there is no shame in wanting something back.
Be Strong
Brammy
You have a choice to make now, although it is a hard one. You have given your life up to everyone, there is no shame in wanting something back.
Be Strong
Brammy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
have you read the book....Co-Dependant No More by Melody Beatie. That is where I started when I began my recovery. It helped me a great deal. I was not able to attend much Al-Anon because of my kids (9 & 3) so I read that book, went to counseling and came here. All three were my saving grace.
Your situation sounds soooo much like mine. Isn't nice of him to tell you all the stuff "he sees" that you are doing wrong. Talk about knocking down your self esteem. What about focusing on what you've done right?
You are worth soooo much. You don't have to keep yourself in situation where you have to listen to that. his blame that he puts on you are his issues....not yours. What bothers him is NOT your problem.
Gawd have I been there. I really feel for you. It is so hard to build yourself back up when you've dealt the emotional abuse for so long. But I am living proof that it can be done. and I know you have it in you to do it too.
I agree with Brammy....stop taking him breakfast. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.
Your situation sounds soooo much like mine. Isn't nice of him to tell you all the stuff "he sees" that you are doing wrong. Talk about knocking down your self esteem. What about focusing on what you've done right?
You are worth soooo much. You don't have to keep yourself in situation where you have to listen to that. his blame that he puts on you are his issues....not yours. What bothers him is NOT your problem.
Gawd have I been there. I really feel for you. It is so hard to build yourself back up when you've dealt the emotional abuse for so long. But I am living proof that it can be done. and I know you have it in you to do it too.
I agree with Brammy....stop taking him breakfast. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Take care of yourself. You are walking in the same shoes as so many that come here. Deeply hurt by mean spirted and confusing behavior .. compounded by those around you lacking any real understanding of alcoholism - and somehow blaming you instead of the real problem. Remember you are dealing with an active alcoholic and you have to disregard much of what he says and does. He is in denial of his problem and it is so common to attack the one closest to them ...directing blame on them for problems they have created. It is classic behavior of the addicted. The challenge for those around them is to understand the disease and learn what to expect and what to ignore ... and decide whether you can live with it or not ... and knowing you are helpless in their recovery ... only in control of your own. You must concentrate on taking care of you and building a healthy new life ... you have made a good start even though it may not feel like it now.
I have been married to an A for about as long as you have. He has gotten progressively worse in recent years and has only been able to stay sober for 2 years out of the last 27 years (he also was sober for the first few years of our marriage). He has always lied to me about his drinking and is a master at deception. He has been drinking at work for about 10 years now and has created many a nightmare. If we did not own our business, he would be unemployed. I have teenagers still at home that he used to try to stay sober around but he can no longer control himself and is always sneaking out to his car for a secret drink. He gets angry and moody so easily. Like your husband, he asks me about 4 or 5 times a year what I want out of our marriage. I answer that I want for him to be sober ..and be a kind and decent husband and father. At this point he always barks "I'm not drinking" ... which really he means he hasn't been drinking in the last 10 minutes. If he threatens to divorce me, I just answer that I am not sure I have enough time to squeeze in a party to celebrate .... that always brings that discussion to an end quickly! He knows deep down that I continue to have a relationship with him because leaving at this point might be great for me, but would seriously disrupt our kids stability as he knows we would have to move. He would probably stop contributing to their support as we would no longer work together at our business and he would be unemployable - as it is he can only work a few hours a day now. I will always remember as the child of an alcoholic ... the moving around and instabilty ... and all the insecurity that goes along with it. I am hoping we can at least stay in our home (he doesn't live here) until the kids are out on their own. It is a struggle every day and I am forced to endure behavior that is cruel and brutal, just so my kids can stay in one place. Many spouses of alcoholics, like myself, keep trying much longer than they should because they know it would be financially devasting to leave ... especially when they have children to support. It is an unpleasant reality. I would love to be on my own and be able to separate from this ongoing insane roller coaster ride.
Hang in there and keep coming back here. Try to get as much information as you can and maybe you will be able to find a meeting that will work for you. If not, maybe, like myself, you will find much wisdom and serenity from this forum ... it has kept me going when I didn't think I could tolerate another moment of this misery. Dig around in this forum a bit and go back into past months ... there is a wealth of knowledge here from those that have felt the same pain and heartache. Take care and know that you are on the right track ... you have taken a major step in trying to take care of yourself and set some boundries. Keep coming back.
I have been married to an A for about as long as you have. He has gotten progressively worse in recent years and has only been able to stay sober for 2 years out of the last 27 years (he also was sober for the first few years of our marriage). He has always lied to me about his drinking and is a master at deception. He has been drinking at work for about 10 years now and has created many a nightmare. If we did not own our business, he would be unemployed. I have teenagers still at home that he used to try to stay sober around but he can no longer control himself and is always sneaking out to his car for a secret drink. He gets angry and moody so easily. Like your husband, he asks me about 4 or 5 times a year what I want out of our marriage. I answer that I want for him to be sober ..and be a kind and decent husband and father. At this point he always barks "I'm not drinking" ... which really he means he hasn't been drinking in the last 10 minutes. If he threatens to divorce me, I just answer that I am not sure I have enough time to squeeze in a party to celebrate .... that always brings that discussion to an end quickly! He knows deep down that I continue to have a relationship with him because leaving at this point might be great for me, but would seriously disrupt our kids stability as he knows we would have to move. He would probably stop contributing to their support as we would no longer work together at our business and he would be unemployable - as it is he can only work a few hours a day now. I will always remember as the child of an alcoholic ... the moving around and instabilty ... and all the insecurity that goes along with it. I am hoping we can at least stay in our home (he doesn't live here) until the kids are out on their own. It is a struggle every day and I am forced to endure behavior that is cruel and brutal, just so my kids can stay in one place. Many spouses of alcoholics, like myself, keep trying much longer than they should because they know it would be financially devasting to leave ... especially when they have children to support. It is an unpleasant reality. I would love to be on my own and be able to separate from this ongoing insane roller coaster ride.
Hang in there and keep coming back here. Try to get as much information as you can and maybe you will be able to find a meeting that will work for you. If not, maybe, like myself, you will find much wisdom and serenity from this forum ... it has kept me going when I didn't think I could tolerate another moment of this misery. Dig around in this forum a bit and go back into past months ... there is a wealth of knowledge here from those that have felt the same pain and heartache. Take care and know that you are on the right track ... you have taken a major step in trying to take care of yourself and set some boundries. Keep coming back.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Hadto, I will share with you that for 45 years I did everything possible to be and do everything I could for my spouse and family. All that did was give me good job sucuriety for the rest of my life. After all IF THEY NEEDED me, how on earth could they possibably fire me. Now after all these years in recovery I have had to change the way I live my life and treat others. I learned in Al-Anon NOT to do for others what they could and should do for themselves. By doing everything in my power to keep them happy I took their dignity (?) away from them.Today I don't want people in my life because they need me. I want them in my life because we "joy" in each others company.
Please consider going some Al-Anon meetings, after all what have you got to lose but the pain and misery of living with an alcoholic. It's possible when the people in your life see the changes in you, they will ask the question as to how you grained such peace and serenity. That would be the greatest gift you could give yourself and them.
Please consider going some Al-Anon meetings, after all what have you got to lose but the pain and misery of living with an alcoholic. It's possible when the people in your life see the changes in you, they will ask the question as to how you grained such peace and serenity. That would be the greatest gift you could give yourself and them.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
Sorry you are experiencing all this. Sounds very painful. Those who have not lived with alcoholism should never judge. Until one has walked in your shoes, they have no right to judge. You need to do what is best for you. I wish I could give you all the answers, but I think time will provide that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
[B]Help
I just received an e-mail from my 12 year old granddaughter, I'm sure her parents don't know it was sent.
She's crying, misses me, lonely and wants me to come back home to Papa's house. She can see me if I return to my AH home. I can hardly stand it, reading her e-mail was so very hard. She and I have always been very very close, we have always been able to talk. She is very much family centered, alot different from her 13 year old, going on 30 year old, sister.
I have found an Alanon group, I'm receiving counseling from my girl-friends Pastor. I had desided I was not going back home, if my AH should do this to me again in 1 year or 10 years it would be the end of me.
I'm really afraid I will go home, I can't stand my granddaugher not having a childhood, worrying all the time. The holidays are coming up and she so loves to bake and cook with me. Her and I share shopping for the family - always over spending a laughing about it. She holds on to all the Christmas gifts secrets and lets everyone know she knows what things are. She is alot like me, we would rather buy for other's than get a gift ourself.
What do I do. She is so very young to go through this, I know her mother, my daughter is not telling her pleasant things about me. She is so torn up and worried.
I need help and suggestions.
Thanks
My Granddaugthers e-mail:
Hey,
I miss talking to you. SO what are you doing? Well I just got done eating dinner. I think that you in bed cus it is about 9:00 pm. Gosh I miss you so much. Are you going to move back with papa? I hope so, so much.
Guess what I did today in Social Studies? We did a POP Quiz and guess what kinda grade I got! I got a 100+ I was so happy!
Hey i'm going to tell you my report card grades.
Science- 79.00=C
Spanish- 86.70=B
Lang Arts- 86.80=B
Social Studies- 80.00=C
Reading- 88.00=B
Math- 88.00=B And she added a comment saying(Brittany is doing very well and should keep up the good work)
Hey guess what we have on Oct 25? We have a Field Trip the the Roxy Theatre to see Frankenstein. I'm like so happy to see it so we can get out of class and the school.
Hey call me on Saterday oh wait i might have to go to my game.
Ok well I have to go and get dressed and go to bed. ok bye love you bye bye
I just received an e-mail from my 12 year old granddaughter, I'm sure her parents don't know it was sent.
She's crying, misses me, lonely and wants me to come back home to Papa's house. She can see me if I return to my AH home. I can hardly stand it, reading her e-mail was so very hard. She and I have always been very very close, we have always been able to talk. She is very much family centered, alot different from her 13 year old, going on 30 year old, sister.
I have found an Alanon group, I'm receiving counseling from my girl-friends Pastor. I had desided I was not going back home, if my AH should do this to me again in 1 year or 10 years it would be the end of me.
I'm really afraid I will go home, I can't stand my granddaugher not having a childhood, worrying all the time. The holidays are coming up and she so loves to bake and cook with me. Her and I share shopping for the family - always over spending a laughing about it. She holds on to all the Christmas gifts secrets and lets everyone know she knows what things are. She is alot like me, we would rather buy for other's than get a gift ourself.
What do I do. She is so very young to go through this, I know her mother, my daughter is not telling her pleasant things about me. She is so torn up and worried.
I need help and suggestions.
Thanks
My Granddaugthers e-mail:
Hey,
I miss talking to you. SO what are you doing? Well I just got done eating dinner. I think that you in bed cus it is about 9:00 pm. Gosh I miss you so much. Are you going to move back with papa? I hope so, so much.
Guess what I did today in Social Studies? We did a POP Quiz and guess what kinda grade I got! I got a 100+ I was so happy!
Hey i'm going to tell you my report card grades.
Science- 79.00=C
Spanish- 86.70=B
Lang Arts- 86.80=B
Social Studies- 80.00=C
Reading- 88.00=B
Math- 88.00=B And she added a comment saying(Brittany is doing very well and should keep up the good work)
Hey guess what we have on Oct 25? We have a Field Trip the the Roxy Theatre to see Frankenstein. I'm like so happy to see it so we can get out of class and the school.
Hey call me on Saterday oh wait i might have to go to my game.
Ok well I have to go and get dressed and go to bed. ok bye love you bye bye
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
You know.. That is CRAP!
I can just hear it now, what she is being told by “supposedly” responsible adults..
"You can't see Grandmaw because she left Grandapa"
instead of
"She is doing what she had to do because her living situation was intolerable because Grandpa is sick".
Why in the world can't you take your grand children to Lunch tomorrow? Are they keeping them from you?
I can just hear it now, what she is being told by “supposedly” responsible adults..
"You can't see Grandmaw because she left Grandapa"
instead of
"She is doing what she had to do because her living situation was intolerable because Grandpa is sick".
Why in the world can't you take your grand children to Lunch tomorrow? Are they keeping them from you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
I don't know what she is being told, I'm very careful not to say anything because she will catch Hell (her mother - daughter - was raised in a alcoholic home all her life). My daughter is very anger about me and her childhood. She is a daddy's girl.
Everything is wrong, here I go again up and down in my life.
The pastor I have been talking to said the other night that I haven't even gotten to ANGER yet in the steps. Well I guess I'm getting real close now.
My AH has all the contact he wants, our daughter calls he all the time. I sent her an e-mail several weeks ago, she read it but did not respond. I'm suprized she read it, all the other e-mails: jokes etc, are deleted.
Where do I go from here?
I thought things were working for me after all the hunting for Alanon groups and counseling. I'm about to go crazy now.
Everything is repeating it self. Years ago I made my daughter a promise I would not leave her dad - AH. Well she is 36 now. Now it's her children I may have to make the same promise to.
Lost in life again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything is wrong, here I go again up and down in my life.
The pastor I have been talking to said the other night that I haven't even gotten to ANGER yet in the steps. Well I guess I'm getting real close now.
My AH has all the contact he wants, our daughter calls he all the time. I sent her an e-mail several weeks ago, she read it but did not respond. I'm suprized she read it, all the other e-mails: jokes etc, are deleted.
Where do I go from here?
I thought things were working for me after all the hunting for Alanon groups and counseling. I'm about to go crazy now.
Everything is repeating it self. Years ago I made my daughter a promise I would not leave her dad - AH. Well she is 36 now. Now it's her children I may have to make the same promise to.
Lost in life again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Things are working for you....but you have to keep working at it. Recovery does not happen over night, for me it's taken a year and half just to get as far as I've come....and I still need a lot of work.
Hang in there. You may not see it now, but it will get better.
One day at a time.
Hang in there. You may not see it now, but it will get better.
One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: nsw
Posts: 2
Hi,
i've had to deal with some major opposition from my entire family about confronting family issues. Not one of them has supported me over abuse issues - and I come from a large family. And it seemed, just like it does with yours, that it just made them too sad to accept there was a problem and lose that pretty picture of a perfect family. It's called denial. It was really difficult to stay on my healthy path, but somehow when you are right, things just feel good, like the peace in your new apartment.
Good luck, keep looking for support. I think it's amazing, after all those years that you made that move. Totally inspirational.
i've had to deal with some major opposition from my entire family about confronting family issues. Not one of them has supported me over abuse issues - and I come from a large family. And it seemed, just like it does with yours, that it just made them too sad to accept there was a problem and lose that pretty picture of a perfect family. It's called denial. It was really difficult to stay on my healthy path, but somehow when you are right, things just feel good, like the peace in your new apartment.
Good luck, keep looking for support. I think it's amazing, after all those years that you made that move. Totally inspirational.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
""What a great day""
My AH brought my granddaughters over to my apartment, first time he has been to my apartment - left in 6-2005. We all went to Wal-mart, ordered pizza and sat around. Kept things normal for the girls, they played on the computer in the dinning room and my AH and I sat in the living room - my apartment is so small both rooms are combined. It was just nice / great being with the girls, listening to them talk to each other and talked to their friends on net, girls ages 13 and 12. It was really nice to hear "Grandma one did this" "Grandma the other one did that" and me telling them to stop their arguments. It's funny how somethings don't change.
I left all my Co-Dependant, 12 step books and understanding an alcoholic books laying out to be seen, yes laid them out very carefully. Yes AH seen them and even picked them up and looked at them.
A point I feel I made was AH seen how nice my apartment is and that I'm ok financially. He had alot of questions on what things cost: computer, refrig. etc. He asked if I charged anything - NO paid cash. I noticed I was not as afraid to talk with him, in my own apartment. I guess I was on my own ground not in his home. What a difference that made in my attitude, behavior and feeling comfortable.
He wants to take the girls next weekend , girls and two of their friends, to a Hunted House in Nashville, I agreed to go with them. One problem addressed was where would everyone sleep when we returned to my apartment - girls will camp out in the living room and AH will sleep in the extra bedroom.
I have not changed my feelings about everything, I still have my plans to get my great-grandparents and grandparents things out of AH house. I have to plan well, if he figures everything out I may not get things. I will continue with my counseling and Alanon.
Reading everything sent to me has help, with out everyones fed back by now I would have given in and returned home. This process I'm going through will take sometime. The end result - UNKNOWN!!!
Thanks again for listening to me
HadToLeave
My AH brought my granddaughters over to my apartment, first time he has been to my apartment - left in 6-2005. We all went to Wal-mart, ordered pizza and sat around. Kept things normal for the girls, they played on the computer in the dinning room and my AH and I sat in the living room - my apartment is so small both rooms are combined. It was just nice / great being with the girls, listening to them talk to each other and talked to their friends on net, girls ages 13 and 12. It was really nice to hear "Grandma one did this" "Grandma the other one did that" and me telling them to stop their arguments. It's funny how somethings don't change.
I left all my Co-Dependant, 12 step books and understanding an alcoholic books laying out to be seen, yes laid them out very carefully. Yes AH seen them and even picked them up and looked at them.
A point I feel I made was AH seen how nice my apartment is and that I'm ok financially. He had alot of questions on what things cost: computer, refrig. etc. He asked if I charged anything - NO paid cash. I noticed I was not as afraid to talk with him, in my own apartment. I guess I was on my own ground not in his home. What a difference that made in my attitude, behavior and feeling comfortable.
He wants to take the girls next weekend , girls and two of their friends, to a Hunted House in Nashville, I agreed to go with them. One problem addressed was where would everyone sleep when we returned to my apartment - girls will camp out in the living room and AH will sleep in the extra bedroom.
I have not changed my feelings about everything, I still have my plans to get my great-grandparents and grandparents things out of AH house. I have to plan well, if he figures everything out I may not get things. I will continue with my counseling and Alanon.
Reading everything sent to me has help, with out everyones fed back by now I would have given in and returned home. This process I'm going through will take sometime. The end result - UNKNOWN!!!
Thanks again for listening to me
HadToLeave
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
Well the hunted house weekend has come and gone. We all had a great time last night, AH, myself and two granddaughters with two of their friends, and everyone stayed the night at my apartment.
Today, Sunday, I took all the girls to the mall - shopping. My oldest granddaughter, age 13, wanted to go to Wal-mart, I was tired from , it was already 5:30 PM, last night, worried about everything going well, stress with AH staying over night, cooking, shopping etc. I told her no I had to get them all home - to my daughters house - and still drive 35 miles back to my apartment. Well needless to say this made her mad. She must have forgotten I have great hearing. I heard her whisper to her friend "Like my mom says she's a bitch". Than she laughed and said we, all the girls, will have to walk from the road because her mom, my daughter, does not want me in the yard, than all four laughed. My daughter is a daddy's girl, in some ways I think she likes her dad and I being separated. For my granddaughter to say the things she said my daughter must be telling her things, I can't say anything because if I do that will just cause problems for my granddaughter and her mother.
I ended up taking all the girls out to eat, but first I call my AH to come and eat with us. After we ate I asked my AH to take the girls home, he said he figured something was up, but did not ask what - good thing because I would have lost it right there. It was so hard eating, my granddaughter was still mad, would not look at me, she kept whispering things and her girl friend would than look at me, than my granddaughter would say "Oh Well" "What Ever" - it was just awful and AH had no idea what the hell was going on.
It was hard after we eat because both of us had to drive past our daughter's home- he to take the girls home and go home himself and me to go cross county to get back to my apartment.
When will I ever learn just to stay away from them all. Time after time I let them hurt my feelings, they all use "one liners" that I just can't stand. Over the years I guess they know I won't say anything - I just hate conflicts. Why does everything have to come down to hateful words.
Tonight I feel alone again, I guess I just needed some place to put my thoughts and vent. Oh a few weeks ago I sent my daughter and e-mail asking if we could get together and talk - she deleted it.
Thanks for listening
Today, Sunday, I took all the girls to the mall - shopping. My oldest granddaughter, age 13, wanted to go to Wal-mart, I was tired from , it was already 5:30 PM, last night, worried about everything going well, stress with AH staying over night, cooking, shopping etc. I told her no I had to get them all home - to my daughters house - and still drive 35 miles back to my apartment. Well needless to say this made her mad. She must have forgotten I have great hearing. I heard her whisper to her friend "Like my mom says she's a bitch". Than she laughed and said we, all the girls, will have to walk from the road because her mom, my daughter, does not want me in the yard, than all four laughed. My daughter is a daddy's girl, in some ways I think she likes her dad and I being separated. For my granddaughter to say the things she said my daughter must be telling her things, I can't say anything because if I do that will just cause problems for my granddaughter and her mother.
I ended up taking all the girls out to eat, but first I call my AH to come and eat with us. After we ate I asked my AH to take the girls home, he said he figured something was up, but did not ask what - good thing because I would have lost it right there. It was so hard eating, my granddaughter was still mad, would not look at me, she kept whispering things and her girl friend would than look at me, than my granddaughter would say "Oh Well" "What Ever" - it was just awful and AH had no idea what the hell was going on.
It was hard after we eat because both of us had to drive past our daughter's home- he to take the girls home and go home himself and me to go cross county to get back to my apartment.
When will I ever learn just to stay away from them all. Time after time I let them hurt my feelings, they all use "one liners" that I just can't stand. Over the years I guess they know I won't say anything - I just hate conflicts. Why does everything have to come down to hateful words.
Tonight I feel alone again, I guess I just needed some place to put my thoughts and vent. Oh a few weeks ago I sent my daughter and e-mail asking if we could get together and talk - she deleted it.
Thanks for listening
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
((((Hadtoleave))))
Know that I am thinking happy thoughts for you.
The games that are played by families is painful to be in. It's like Everyone was doing the tango and now you have decided the waltz is what you need. They don't want anything to change whatsoever. Of course they will try to pull you back in to the tango.
Remember you are the one who will have to live with your choice. I believe the expert on you IS you. Take your time and make the choices you know will work for you.
Take care.
Know that I am thinking happy thoughts for you.
The games that are played by families is painful to be in. It's like Everyone was doing the tango and now you have decided the waltz is what you need. They don't want anything to change whatsoever. Of course they will try to pull you back in to the tango.
Remember you are the one who will have to live with your choice. I believe the expert on you IS you. Take your time and make the choices you know will work for you.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
The time has come for me to throw the towel in - leaving my AH 6-months ago has been a big mistake on my part, he has told me he does not love me nor want me to come home - but I can change all that with an "I'm Sorry".
With the Holidays coming up I don't want the guilt of upsetting everyones Thanksgiving and Christmas, my granddaughters don't deserve all this upset.
I was on the phone pretty much the entire day trying to get some help, talked with several alanon contact persons. I tried an alanon meeting again tonight, this time I made it to the inside, restroom, and fell apart so hard (by myself) that I had to leave. What made me afraid was the number of people there laughing and having a good time. Even there I felt so alone. I come from a strong family that does not allow you to put your dirty laundry out into the public, I feel totally guilty that I violated that family secret.
I well be okay, I am a surviver - always have been. Everything that I've tried and have done has was been getting just to much me: crying, sick to my stomach - doing the bathroom thing, not able to eat or sleep, not able to see my granddaughters, my employment concentration has gone to zero, and my entire family totally upset with me.
I will be okay, no thoughts of harming myself - totally against my religion. But for now I must do what I feel is the best for everyone - husband, daughter, son-in-law, granddaughters and my extended famly.
I thank you all for your support and words of wisdom, I am signing off from this site.
Thank you all
With the Holidays coming up I don't want the guilt of upsetting everyones Thanksgiving and Christmas, my granddaughters don't deserve all this upset.
I was on the phone pretty much the entire day trying to get some help, talked with several alanon contact persons. I tried an alanon meeting again tonight, this time I made it to the inside, restroom, and fell apart so hard (by myself) that I had to leave. What made me afraid was the number of people there laughing and having a good time. Even there I felt so alone. I come from a strong family that does not allow you to put your dirty laundry out into the public, I feel totally guilty that I violated that family secret.
I well be okay, I am a surviver - always have been. Everything that I've tried and have done has was been getting just to much me: crying, sick to my stomach - doing the bathroom thing, not able to eat or sleep, not able to see my granddaughters, my employment concentration has gone to zero, and my entire family totally upset with me.
I will be okay, no thoughts of harming myself - totally against my religion. But for now I must do what I feel is the best for everyone - husband, daughter, son-in-law, granddaughters and my extended famly.
I thank you all for your support and words of wisdom, I am signing off from this site.
Thank you all
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by hadtoleave
I am signing off from this site.
The reason you saw so many people at that meeting laughing...was b/c they found peace within themselves. HTL....you have to find peace within you.
Know that we will always be here for you
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