julieb

I've not been back for several months, but now need all the advice I can get. I've told my ah that I can't live with him any longer and want a divorce... yikes!! I now need to tell my daughters ages 10 & 12. Do I tell them with or without their dad sitting with us? Any and all suggesions are appreciated.
Thanks so much to all of you.

gelfling

Good for you for taking the necessary steps for your and your girls health and sanity. That's all I can offer with the exception of getting to alanon and alateen for your girls. I'm sure someone will be along who can give you advice on how to handle telling the girls about the divorce. Just remember to let them know that you both love them.

FriendofBill

As he is thier father also, he should be there too. Sit calmly, and let them know its not about them, that you and he are happier apart, than together, but you will be co parents, and that you love them endlessly.

Let them have whatever emotions they feel. Dont try to suppressed them.Be prepared for them to be angry, at you or him or both. Dont take it personally. Undertand that the only life they knew is now changing. Reassure them as best you can

Be gentle with them and each other.

limboland

Hi Julie,
Big ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you--I know this is a difficult time for you.

I was in your shoes late June 2005 in telling kids about divorce. Mine are older than yours (20, 17 & 14 at the time), but here's what we did (on the advice of my counselor). Hubby & I told them together with all three kids in the room. The reason we were divorcing was exactly the same as yours (ah who refused to quit/get help) & we told the kids that was the main problem. Don't know what your ah will think of that, but mine did own up to his responsibility in it all We also briefly explained that h would be moving out & when and that our goal was for their lives to be disrupted the least possible.

I won't lie to you--it was horrible & I still remember the looks on their faces. Our son said that they might as well have been hit by a freight train--they never saw it coming. (Hubby & I never really fought, appeared to get along).

Lastly, & not to give you false hope, the good news is that once my ah moved out, he realized what a mistake he's made. I know every situation is different, but for our family, at least right now, we have some hope. You can read the thread I started for my story. I remember how dark those days were when I was where you are now, & I could have used some hope that things will get better. But I am confident that if I hadn't had the courage/fortitude to stand up for myself & my children & tell ah that I woudn't continue to live like we had been for 20+ years, that we'd still be in that miserable cycle today! Keep your chin up & be strong!

escape artist

i got a book about divorce and kids the sandcastle way, and it had great advice for the different ages. sure enough, my children did react in ways the book said they would. my 11 year old was the one who asked me if i would ever leave her too--since they see it as the spouse who moved out left and believe if one did it the other one could very well do so too. i reassured her that she was stuck with me there was no way i would ever leave her. and she was ok with that. i talked to her alone, because i explained to her that he has a disease and needs to be on his own for now- but none of it is her fault (that's another biggie) and of course i had to remind her she didn't cause it, she can't control it and she or we cannot cure it. she does get al-anon information from me, and believe it or not, we seem to be doing just fine!!!