His stuff is finally gone
 

so xabf finally came over with friends to reclaim his belongings. Of course it's no suprise that it was relatively cordial on both sides. Also no suprise that he made a joke about getting this over so they could get to drinking. When the chore was complete there was a moment or two of awkwardness, as if neither one of us knew what to say. I said something about having a nice day (not at all snide). I did thank him for doing this (total CODIE).

So now I am left here to ponder what's next for me...and he called too. I did not answer! And I have to say that was hard. As the phone rang I felt guilty. As though I am playing some hard to get game or something. I don't know why it feels so bad to do something that really is good for me. And not only that I guess I could look at it as being good for him too right. Leave him to decide what it really is that he wants out of life.

Please friends tell me. HAMMER THIS INTO MY BRAIN. That ignoring him is the best thing for all!

((((sketcher)))))

Sweetie I don't want to hit you over the head but, I think the more distance to can put between you and him the better off you will be.

Your brain knows what is best for you but your heart is broken. Stay strong, be tender with yourself, but listen to your brain.

Love
Robin

Girl, I need to be hit over the head! LOL but use one of those foam things or something.

I'm actually not that bad today. Hardly cried. Went out shopping for healthy yummy food. House is clean. I haven't turned to overeating to relieve stress.

I'm just trying to figure out how to recognize healthy mental steps. It's confusing you know because it's not like you can measure your success and declare I've been "non-codie" for this many months or something. It's not like losing weight where you can step on the scale. I don't exactly know how to make measurable steps. When will I know that I'm healthy enough to date again for instance. Will I ever be!? Will I ever stop caring for this person?

I am capable of detaching from an individual as I have in the past many times. But now I'm really interested in improving my happiness so that I don't have to go through this again!! Today the only thing I feel that PROVES I'm moving in the right direction is that I ignored the phone call.

Read your past post for perspective. :wink3:

Make tonight a night to get out for a treat!

Done is done .....this is the time for healing. :147:

(((sketscher)))

You've made a little bit of progress!! He finally got his stuff, and you DIDN'T answer his call! Remember baby steps, and progress not perfection!!

It will get easier if you continue to not have any contact with him. I know at least it has been that way for me. I haven't talked to exabf in two weeks, since I found some nasty porn in his email; I told him to leave me alone, as I thought he was a sicko. I know that wasn't the totally right thing to do, but maybe it's for the best.

Hang in there...sometimes it doesn't always feel very comfortable doing the right thing, as sometimes living in all the drama feels more normal, and when we don't have it we feel something is missing...but I think that means we are changing and making progress. Someday it will feel right!

Hugs,
Savana

I'm new at recovery, and I find that I'm taking baby steps.

Each time I do something differently, and each time I make healthy choices, I figure I must be getting a bit better. I know that I'm feeling better lately, especially in stressful situations... one of the benefits of recovery, maybe...

Ignoring that call was a step in the right direction. Have faith in yourself - it sounds like you're doing great. Once you get into your recovery, you will attract a really fantastic (healthy) guy.

Robin

My xabf went back and forh for years, moving in, moving out, huge delays in getting his stuff out of my place (as long as it's in your house there's always the possibility of reuniting idea). It wasn't until he took eveything, albeit the occassional sock I find type-of-thing, and "I" made the decision that enough was enough that i was FINALLY able to move on. Cut ties w/ his family, w/ him because it would only keep me in the spin cycle. This doesn't negate fantasizing that things might "someday" be different sketch... but you'll KNOW when it's a viable possibility or just the same fantasy occupying your mind and in the interim - as long as it's a fantasy you need to be true to yourself and allow the possibility for someone else to fulfill those dreams. Time goes on and you think about "him" less and less, and about "yourself" more and more. IMHO that's when you'll be ready to give a healthy relationship a real go. I think I'm finally ready (been almost 2 years), but the few and far between I have interest in have been caught in my codie radar:) This place keeps me grounded. Good luck! Today is a very big step for you!!!!!!

Well done, Sketcher. I found the no-contact rule worked very well for me. Occassionally, my xab would catch me off-guard and I'd unknowingly answer the phone. All it took was a few minutes of talking to him to see that his life was still filled with chaos, and that was something I did not want to invite back into my life.

So I'd wish him well and end the conversation in under five minutes. These days, he rarely calls me. Not because he doesn't want to, but because his efforts to keep me involved proved fruitless.

Thank you all. I know what is really needed is just that I work on myself. To stop worrying about him and what he thinks and what he's done to me. It's time for me to just take those baby steps you describe and get myself healthier in mind and body.

I think I expected this huge dramatic effect on me today after his stuff was gone and I really don't feel that much different. I think today was more like another baby step.

I think you're an amazing woman. You made the decisions and stood by them. Not answering the phone is not playing hard to get. Like your post said, "His stuff is finally gone". Let it all be gone.

Stand strong. ((((((((((((((Skets))))))))))))

Maybe you could tell him you don't want to be in touch anymore. Then he may not call and you wouldn't have to feel like you are ignoring him. Some A's do actually stop contacting you when they know it's what you want.

that is so great..............might not all feel like much to you now, but it starts to add up. i am so glad you have stuck around here............at some point and time,we will all look back and smile.................

I don't know if you can wrap your head around this right now or even want to but, here goes my response to the above quote: He never was there to begin with... his stuff was just part of an illusion

Carol makes a good point - whenever I feel like I'm not making any progress, I dig out my old posts from the basement. In fact, I have them bookmarked now for easy reference. It's like reading about a different person. Journalling would have the same effect, I guess, but I was too chicken to do it when I was feeling my worst. Guess I didn't want to know what was really going on in my head. I found that the more I posted, the more progress I made. More posts, more responses, more food for thought, more recovery.

If the phone rings, you are not obliged to answer it. It's YOUR phone for goodness sake. I screen my calls all the time - my friends and family know and understand and they leave a message and I get back to them.

And Splendra, hon, I cannot agree more with what you say above.

Stay Grounded Girlfriend,

They usually don't give up that easy. Especially when their lives start to fall apart and they are looking for someone to save them. If you are confused about not answering the phone, what are you going to do when he knocking on your door (and he will eventually). Plant your feet in your determination to shake him loose and sooner or later he will get the picture. You deserve better!

You guys are all so right. Thanks for the reinforcement. And Splendra, what you say hits it on the head. He really was never here. I knew it then. Maybe why it's not that tramatic to have his stuff gone. I'm so glad though that I had moved it to the garage and made the demand to have it be gone on my terms.

Not all A's come back around. I know my exabf now has his Mommy to "save him."

True Savana, they don't, especially if they are too ashamed, have mommy or drunk friends to fall back on, or if you make it clear that you are through.