Boundaries, reality, and Money
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Boundaries, reality, and Money
Boundaries are for my emotional safety and any boundaries made to affect anyone else but me are not healthy, correct? Thats what I have read and been told in therapy.
One of my boundaries has been to not provide money to the alocholic in my life and to require him to pay for half of the cost of living in my home. He eventually got an ok job and brings home about 60% of the income that I do.
60% is SO MUCH better than 0%.
Now that he is receiving regualr money I have been up in the air about how to handle our finances.
The problem lies in the fact that he and I disagree on just how much he should contribute. His portion of the bills (exaclty half) leaves him with about $100 per week left over. This does not count the tens of thousands of dollars he has said he would "repay".
My position is I want him to pay his half and an extra $50 per week to make a dent in the debt he said he would repay. He disagrees and thinks that its not 'fair' for him to only get to keep 50/week of 'his own money'.
Am I being difficult about this? I feel that it is enabling to allow him to skate on the previous debt and I told him I was not comfortable with that. He told me that I was the one who made the decision to give him money when he wasnt making any and I should let him pay me back as he felt necessary. When I asked what he felt was necessary, he said 'in a couple of months or so.'
I do not think I am comfortable with that. Anyone have any thoughts on this?
One of my boundaries has been to not provide money to the alocholic in my life and to require him to pay for half of the cost of living in my home. He eventually got an ok job and brings home about 60% of the income that I do.
60% is SO MUCH better than 0%.
Now that he is receiving regualr money I have been up in the air about how to handle our finances.
The problem lies in the fact that he and I disagree on just how much he should contribute. His portion of the bills (exaclty half) leaves him with about $100 per week left over. This does not count the tens of thousands of dollars he has said he would "repay".
My position is I want him to pay his half and an extra $50 per week to make a dent in the debt he said he would repay. He disagrees and thinks that its not 'fair' for him to only get to keep 50/week of 'his own money'.
Am I being difficult about this? I feel that it is enabling to allow him to skate on the previous debt and I told him I was not comfortable with that. He told me that I was the one who made the decision to give him money when he wasnt making any and I should let him pay me back as he felt necessary. When I asked what he felt was necessary, he said 'in a couple of months or so.'
I do not think I am comfortable with that. Anyone have any thoughts on this?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Is the debt to you? If not, it sounds like his to deal with... or not.
If it is, you can charge him however much you think you can get. Sometimes a little now is better than nothing later.
If it is, you can charge him however much you think you can get. Sometimes a little now is better than nothing later.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Elizabeth,
I see a difference between a tenant and a partner.
A tenant gets to pay whatever was agreed upon in the original deal. In the case of rent it sounds to me like you guys agreed to a 50% split. As far as other debt the tenant gets to pay whatever the original deal was, as well as interest. That's the way a bank would work it.
A partner is a whole different matter. A partner is supposed to share _equitably_ in the hardships of life. What I've done in the past when I made 60% vs. 40% of my wife's income then I would pay _60%_ of the bills. That's _equitable_. Over the years she would sometimes make more than I would, and we would adjust accordingly. A partner is neither a bank, nor a tenant, therefore a partner should pay of a debt _immediately_, if not sooner. The few times we had to borrow from each other we paid it off as quickly as possible.
I don't know about you, but if I loaned money to somebody, and they started whining about paying it back, I'd toss them out on the street. The program of recovery is very clear about "self-supporting thru our own contributions", that means I'm not a money tree for somebody else to suck on.
Mike :-)
I see a difference between a tenant and a partner.
A tenant gets to pay whatever was agreed upon in the original deal. In the case of rent it sounds to me like you guys agreed to a 50% split. As far as other debt the tenant gets to pay whatever the original deal was, as well as interest. That's the way a bank would work it.
A partner is a whole different matter. A partner is supposed to share _equitably_ in the hardships of life. What I've done in the past when I made 60% vs. 40% of my wife's income then I would pay _60%_ of the bills. That's _equitable_. Over the years she would sometimes make more than I would, and we would adjust accordingly. A partner is neither a bank, nor a tenant, therefore a partner should pay of a debt _immediately_, if not sooner. The few times we had to borrow from each other we paid it off as quickly as possible.
I don't know about you, but if I loaned money to somebody, and they started whining about paying it back, I'd toss them out on the street. The program of recovery is very clear about "self-supporting thru our own contributions", that means I'm not a money tree for somebody else to suck on.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
My ex said something along those lines of selfishness once too, blew me away at the time. But anyhow, I know exactly how you feel in wanting to help out a person who does not have much cash, I was always very generous with cash and felt a lot of sympathy for my ex who did not earn much. She would always say something along the lines of it was your choice to lend it to me, your just stupid and you should take responsibility for it. Really pissed me off...
I think he should pay you the debt slowly and he needs to realize how lucky he is to get a loan interest free with such a slow repayment. Part of being an adult and living grown up, no more baby living with parent thinking.
If he needs to work extra hard to clean up his life both financially and emotionally, so be it! Thats life and its taking responsibility. If anything, you may hurt him by not forcing him to take responsibility which it sounds like you already are forcing him with at least the bills and this is what you have to do to make sure your protected first and for him to learn what it means to live in the real world.
Though its hard to tell this to a loved one, and to tell it with tact and love, I know you will be able to figure out a way to do it right! Best wishes to you.
I think he should pay you the debt slowly and he needs to realize how lucky he is to get a loan interest free with such a slow repayment. Part of being an adult and living grown up, no more baby living with parent thinking.
If he needs to work extra hard to clean up his life both financially and emotionally, so be it! Thats life and its taking responsibility. If anything, you may hurt him by not forcing him to take responsibility which it sounds like you already are forcing him with at least the bills and this is what you have to do to make sure your protected first and for him to learn what it means to live in the real world.
Though its hard to tell this to a loved one, and to tell it with tact and love, I know you will be able to figure out a way to do it right! Best wishes to you.
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