Buster

.. Is it REALLY possible to detach with love...ok so you detach yourself from something because you want to or HAVE to - but if the situation/person is bad enough to want/need to detach from them, where does the love bit come in?? KWIM?? or why would you want to do it with love?? Ok I am totally by the whole thing & now it sounds like I have no compassion left

FriendofBill

Why detach with love?

To be happy, perhaps?

It isnt easy, nothing worthwhile is. I dont like being attached to anger, resentment, disappointment.

I prefer to be free.

To detach with love, I had to learn about alcoholism, get the firm and resolute undertanding that this disease has kidnapped my former husband, against his will, so not to hold him at fault. This does not mean he is not responsibile for his actions. He absolutely is. However, I believe he does not know better because he has a cancer that has infected his mind.

With this firm understanding, and a dedicated effort to form compassion for his pain and true pain he has, I am able to detach totally, with love in my heart for him.

I learned last night he was recently arrested for a criminal traffic charge. Dont know specifics, but what I do know, is he was once a highly respected, confident, succesful sober professional. To see him drop to such incomprehensible demoralization is breaking my damn heart today. So, ya, I have detached with love, but I still hurt.

Buster

FOB - you are separated from your A is that right? So you have done the ultimate "Detaching"...but if you leave somebody...how can this be love?? I hope you don't take this up the wrong way...but I am trying to understand it

FriendofBill

I dont take it the wrong way, dont worry.

I left him its true, which does make detaching easier...at least on the surface. I left to save my life.

If alcoholism is mind cancer, and alcoholism is a family disease, which it is,,,,then he was "contagious" to me. I had to leave because the behavior was making me insane. It was either him or me dead, and I chose to live.

What he chooses to do is up to him. I "unattached" myself from him because he was toxic and if I stayed attached then the toxicity would have flowed from him un healthy oxygen tube to mine...and I want to live. Not die.

Self survival is the ultimate act of self love.

Buster

Thank you for sharing with me..i guess I need to think some more about this

pmaslan

FOB....what an effective yet simple way to describle detachment with love....I hope that everyone struggling with this will read this thread....I hope they would find it helpful....I certainly did....

FriendofBill

Thanks, Patty for saying that. Detaching was the hardest aspect of recovery to grasp.

First, I had to recognize that I was "Attached" to him, his suffering, his behavior, his EVERYTHING.

Second, I had to admit that it wasnt HIM that needed to stop doing that stuff, it was ME that needed to let go.

Third, I had to become willing to do what others said worked for them....and that takes a lot of humility.

Last, I had to do it over and over and over again...til It became a lerned behavior, kinda like brushing my teeth. Its just the right thing to do to stay "un-attached" to unhealthy people.

5 Rules for detachment

1. Keep my mouth shut
2. Dont ask questions
3. Dont defend myself
4. Mind my own business
5. Be kind and Loving

Simple, yet very hard to apply.

pmaslan

When I first started to detach my exA thought I didn't love him anymore....I was confused on how to do it the right way...once I started to "get it" he still thought I didn't love him...lol... go figure...
I have to agree detaching is the hardest of all...you can apply it to may things in life....changing jobs, cutting the cord with our kids, selling an old car we loved, so on and so on....but once we learn how to detach (with love) it is liberating....
Buster just try to implement some of the ways FOB has mentioned...just one at a time, step by step and see how that works for you.....(((Buster)))

joyinlife

That was a great post, FOB. Thank you for putting this into words that my brain can relate to. I have decided to ask my ah leave for the exact same reason (it hasn't happened yet, but soon). Until I came to SR and started reading posts, stickies, and everything I could find, I didn't know about how to handle this all. For me, detatchment has meant the world to my own mental health. I cannot change him, but I can change the responses to the insanity he shoves my way. Until I learned about detatchment, I felt like I was slowly going crazy, and I was ever so confused about what was really going on.

Detatchment has given me some measure of peace when he is home. I got to retain my dignity, and am starting to find the self-worth that had gotten shuffled around through all of this. I know that if he stays, it will never solve anything: he will still drink till he falls into a stupor at bedtime, he will still never show me any affection, and he will still not lift a finger, or pay any household bills. Detatchment helped me see things as I had never realistically seen them before...it was quite a surprise to have my rose-colored glasses snatched off when I was able to step back and not play into the game.

Although I'm still getting my ducks in a row before we have our final discussion. Thanks for sharing this, it really hit the mark for me, and expressed what I have been feeling for quite a while now. For those of us who can detatch and still stay with someone, I say more power to you...I just know in my heart that I can't. Every one of us has to find our own truth, and what will make us happy, and what we can or cannot live with. My ah doesn't even want to try: not for me, not for love, not for his heart problems, his parents, or anything. That is HIS truth, and one that he has chosen to live with. I feel so much stronger now that I have come to a decision, and I hope and pray that I handle it all properly, and with dignity, so as not to hurt, or blame or make him feel any worse about himself. But, utlimately, I choose to 'unattatch', for the very same reasoning that you wrote.

Buster

thanks for your input on this - upon reading this again, it is becoming clear to me what I need to do to detach - easier said than done i supposse...but practice does make perfect.
FOB - I am printing off your post and I will keep in in my handbag to read and re-read as I need - many thanks for your thoughts

FriendofBill

Your welcome, Buster...for a minute, I thought you were a man, however, now I know you carry a purse, I have changed my opinion..LOL

Unless, your a man who carries a purse?

Keep detaching, baby!