equus

I'm going with D to the docs in 40mins. I can't put myself in his place, I can't imagine how hard or how it makes him feel, he's agreed to go rather than wanting to - he definately doesn't want to. First of all he's worried he's wasting the docs time but that's small fry in comparisson to how it must feel to be asked to tell the doc he went slightly bonkers last week. Two weeks ago the doc was so blunt about him needing psychiatric referal, how hard must that have been for him to hear? Since then we've discovered just how much it's needed to the point where D had begged me to try and get it speeded up, since then we've discovered they've refused him because of a drinking history.

Even I feel the temptation to pull the drawbridge up, for us to deal with this alone, to stop trying to get help but I know that's madness - we can't start hiding what's happening but oh god how hard must it be for D to go and say it? He asks me to come to fill in any details but it feels like I'm humiliating him because how do you say it? When I describe a phonecall that's bonkers it sounds even worse just described without the emotion of it in the first place - it sounds even more bonkers!

Enough dispair! There's no way on earth we can keep this secret so what is, is. We have each other, I just hope this goes as well as it can and I get myself in the right place to say enough without saying too much, to just help, not harm or make anything worse.

susane1408

Can't find a "fingers crossed" smilie,
Good Luck (((Equus)))

minnie

All the best, Equus.

xx

shockozulu

Thinking of you and him today Equus

equus

Well we're back! It just isn't pleasant, D ia okay about stuff with me but just says it's so embarrassing.

The doc is going to try to re-refer, he is totally unhappy about what's happening, he said the next step is for us to write to our MP and that he will support any letter. He's also said he's happy for my employers to contact him re the support D needs and me taking time off for that.

We're stuck with this - he couldn't even give us any extra advice - he said he couldn't suggest anything we're not already doing. He said he felt D was just hanging on when he has the support but isnt coping without it - still he told us the best thing is to sit tight if we can because really the only thing that NEEDS to happen is for him to get the rightly qualified help.

Life sux today!

Edit offer or off for - bugger I blame the cold!

minnie

What a bummer. But you know, the doc is spot on, I believe, and that's what I've been most concerned about. D can function when he's not "alone", but not when he is, by the sounds of things. If that is not a major criteria for mental health support, then I don't know what is. It sounds like the doc is on the ball - but don't forget that they are only the gateway into more specialist stuff, so his hands are tied. Writing to your MP is a good idea.

I've just finished a course of counselling provided through my GP - believe me, that is NOT what D needs. They would be totally overwhelmed. I was teaching my counsellor stuff about Transactional Analysis, which was a bit odd.

How is D?

BubbaBob

Dammit!!! The most frustrating thing I deal with as an addiction counselor is shame and embarassment!!! Even though I KNOW where it comes from, how powerful it is, how hard it is to fight...even though I know BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE...it is still frustrating!

This is a disease. It doesn't start that way...we start it...but like lung cancer in a smoker, while it is self-inflicted, it is still a disease. And I'll just be damned if I'll feel embarassed about being sick and trying to get better, and D shouldn't either.

Ya know...if I could "cure" shame and embarassment, I think I'd be halfway to finding a way to double the recovery rate for this damnable disease...

BubbaBob

equus

Embarrassed! I do my best to point out the doc thinks more of him not less of him the more he knows. D was embarrassed about having tried to sort things out himself in town last week but the doc said that showed alot about him and bless him for wanting to do that. It's such a shame it backfired so badly.

The doc also told D the refusal for the referal was on the grounds of alcohol problems in the past but the doc has stated over and over again that he doesn't think that is now the primary problem - he even questions whether it ever was, who knows?

One thing we have on our side is the doc likes D lots - maybe because he's done so much to get himself right when the odds have been so against that. He's drank twice in almost 60 days, both times he lost the plot before rather than after he drank - the other 58 days he's battled addiction and mental health problems without anywhere near the help he should have had - but on the other 58 days he's done it - day after day.

He's battled agoraphobia and social phobia to attend alcohol counselling - he's done it not talked about it. Both times after losing it he's acted on our plan. I wouldn't swap him for any other bloke on the planet, I love him 'cos he truly kicks ass!! Although right now he really should just wait and hang on!

minnie

Isn't this part of the bigger picture, though, the shame? I see it as such a thread through your posts about D. That he doesn't think much of himself and has a serious reaction when attention is put on him?

equus

Definately but then remember his teacher decided to give him a special 4 year long course in humility because he was oh so arrogant at.... errrrr...7yrs old!! After being stood up in assembly for humiliation 5 days a week for 4 yrs I get completely why he's sensitive to attention on him - I think that's normal considering, not nutty at all. If it was me I can say hand on heart I wouldn't have the bottle - I haven't a fraction of his guts.

minnie

Oh, I'm not saying I don't understand! And the thing about his teacher was exactly what I was thinking of when i wrote that. What I'm trying to say is that his "default" state of mind is ashamed and you can't protect him from it. This is where that annoying saying "no pain, no gain" is brought sharply and painfully into focus.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, E. The damage to D was done a long time before you knew him and it must be so hard for you to watch him going through this stuff. But it is NOT wasted - just look at how much he is opening up to the doc now.

I'm going to shut up now. I have had a long and very trying day and my brain is not working very well.

equus

Get off and get some rest - but your brain is working better than you think. You've given me a real hand tonight.

What's happening at the docs and at the counsellors isn't just from my input, alot has come from them having been such good folk too. I think the doc is a little awestruck with the efforts D's put in; last time we went he said there are people that get twice the help and need half of it but because of their attitude even twice the help doesn't help. This time he said he was absolutely ashamed of his proffessional collegues.

The acohol counsellor we had rocked so much, the two we've had since have been great too. The only one that didn't help was the one who couldn't hack her crystal ball not working - first she was all faith, then D came back because it had all gone wrong, then she just told him she didn't think he was ready to give up drinking! I wish she had been aware of the damage she did.

Watching D's old bosses tease him at the last christmas meal I remember having such a bad feeling inside but D trusted them, they returned it by sacking him for 2 weeks signed off sick!

what can I say? It's the docs attitude that helps show any encouragement I put in as right, same with the counsellors but along the way some people don't care, their thoughts go into themselves and they stop looking outwards. When that happens they shake something up and I suppose we start again - AGAIN! I think D has been doing this all his life and until now he's done it alone.

BLAH _ sorry - this turned into a bit of a vent. Could I ask a favour? I want to change something, could I ask everyone reading this to make a special effort for a day to smile at people and treat them like they matter? Just for a day to make a special effort to look outwards and try to show all the warmth you feel? Because you never know how much someone might need it.

gelfling

Equus,

Are there any laws in GB that forbid employeers for firing employees due to illness? I know of an instance that someone was fired because of drinking and loosing time, but they had to give her back a job because there were laws forbidding firing someone with an alcohol problems. They were supposed to offer health support and didn't.

Hugs and love

Cazza

(((Equus and D)))

I think it is great that in spite of all the difficulties, both of you remain together and supportive of each other. Don't give up hope, because you are both an inspiration.

FormerDoormat

Consider it done, my friend.

equus

Kathy, He'd been employed with them for just under a year so the law is different - chances are still that they broke it but fighting it would bring out lots of personal stuff, the personal cost is too high. If he did succeed in forcing them to re-offer his job he wouldn't want to be there anyway - it's a six person firm and 2 of them are the bosses.

Cazza - I haven't given up hope at all but it is frustrating. Briefly yesterday the doc looked and said he wondered if he should try and change D's meds - then he backed off saying he isn't qualified and there's no safe route. He said just hang tight, hold on and he'll do his best again to get D treatment.

FD - Thank you. Somedays I just try that little bit harder, I remind myself before I walk down a corridor to look and smile, I try and remember before I speak to anyone to look towards them and take my thinking beyond just myself. Other days I just forget all of that but when I do remember I can't believe the difference in my actions or the day I have. All of this with D is teaching me so much about why that matters. When we left the docs last night he stood up and shook both our hands, on another occassion he physically patted D on the back - whatever it is that gives a man the sense to do that is worth more than money.