asl3821176

about my relationship with my A, it's by Matchbox 20 and is called Push

she said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
and I don't know if I've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
gonna give
and I'm a little bit angry, well

this ain't over, no not here, while I still need you
around
you don't owe me, we might change
yeah we just might feel good
(chorus)
I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will

she said, I don't know why you ever would lie to me
like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
gonna hurt ya
and I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
you couldn't stand to be near me
when my face don't seem to want to shine
cuz it's a little bit dirty well

don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated, I been wronged, and you
you don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all
(chorus)

oh but don't bowl me over
just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
crazy, crazy
don't rush this baby
(chorus)

my heart feels so empty at times. is it wrong to want to feel really loved by someone? I told him I was going to alanon and that maybe he should go back to AA and finish his steps, he just looked at me like I hadn't said a word. The only reason I have stayed this long is because we have a medically needy child and I have to take care of her 60-80 hours a week and cannot work too. I am trying to work on the first steps of alanon and trying to reconnect with my HP and let him take some of this pain away and show me what I should do. I am made to feel guilty by family members for wanting to feel real love and to experience life. I have been with my A for 20 years and at the age of 40 I wonder if this is all I get out of this life.
Thanks for listening
ALS

justbreathe

One song that I identify with is "Sick Cycle Carousel" by Lifehouse. Here are the lyrics:

if shame had a face i think it would kind of look like mine
if it had a home would it be my eyes would you believe me
if i said i am tired of this now here we go one more time
i tried to climb your steps i tried to chase you down
i tried to see how low i could get down to the ground
i tried to earn my way i tried to change this mind
you better believe i tried to beat this
when will this end it goes on and on and over and over and over again
keep spinning around i know it won't stop till i step down from this for good
i never thought i'd end up here i never thought i'd be standing
where i am i guess i kind of thought it would be easier than this
i guess i was wrong now one more
time this is a sick cycle carousel this is a sick cycle, yeah

I think it describes alcoholism and or addiction for the "sick cycle carousel that it can be! Here we go one more time.....

J
:okay:

babysteps

Wow, I've had this cd for a while now, but never paid much attention. My husband and I had found a few of their other songs very fitting... and I'd always liked this one, but had never really thought about it... good catch

Laceejoe

asl---welcome!! Hopefully, you will feel some love emanating from the wonderful people on this board!! No, it's not wrong to want to feel truly loved by someone----and it's very painful to admit to ourselves that we're not receiving it from those around us. I've been living it for years, asl, and can truly relate. It seems that everyone around wants our love and support, but have no inkling to our needs. It sounds like you have your hands full with your daughter---and my heart goes out to you. I have sick, elderly parents who I care for on top of everything else, and it is like caring for children. I know you feel trapped and I can't take your pain away---but, like you'll see from others on this board---there are many people here who care. If you can come back often and read the posts, you'll find that each of us has input into a multitude of subjects. You're not alone anymore, and coming to this board was meant for a reason. I pray that you will continue to read and post with us---and let us help. My prayer for you now is that you find the strength to get through the day and to take care of yourself and your child. Feel free to private message me if you'd like. We'll talk. Best to you!!

asl3821176

Thank you, I have been reading the other post and they have been a great help. It is so wonderful to find people that understand. Yes I do have my hands full with my daughter, my A has finally started to help take care of her, it only took him 13 years, but better late than never. I told him last night that I can't live like this anymore, I just don't feel the love for him that I think a wife should feel for her husband. I tried for so long to make it work, but the pain is to great. He agreed that it is not working and that we will figure out how to pay the bills and take care of our daughter too. I am going to find an alanon meeting and try to heal some of this pain, I can never find love until I heal myself.
Thanks for the support
ASL

Rose56

Welcome ALS,
I am so glad that you are here, reading this board and sharing your thoughts. That has been so helpful for me over the past few months. Reading this message board and going to Alanon meeting has helped me so much. I too want to be truely loved by someone else. Actually I know that I am truely loved by my husband, my A. He loves me in the best way he know how, but he has this huge problem called Alcoholism. So right now I keep trying to ficus on myself and not pay attention to the problems he is causing or the things I think he should do. It is not easy to focus on yourself, it is kind of painful and who wants to face up to the unhealthy things we all do? But I know now that this is the only way out of my situation. Whether I stay with the A or not, I need to get myself together.

So welcome again, please keep sharing as we all benefit. Take care.