Best friends son
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 3
Best friends son
I don't know where to go to get advice or guidance to try to help my best friends son- who is addicted to alcohol and maybe drugs or both. He has 3 small children and can't take care of them - won't work. He gets very nasty and argumentive when he drinks. Hangs with all the wrong people. Steals money just so he can go out and have fun.
Is not motivated at all. Hurts to watch my friend go through this -
Is not motivated at all. Hurts to watch my friend go through this -
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
oops. I hit a wrong button! I would also suggest that you gently point your friend towards Al Anon. She can find a lot of support and encouragement from others who have been through what she is going through. And, you might want to attend yourself. To be honest, I haven't found ANYONE who couldn't benefit from some time practicing the principles of this program.
Good luck, hugs to you and your friend
Osier59
Good luck, hugs to you and your friend
Osier59
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Altoona, PA
Posts: 70
INVITE HER HERE!!!
CKC---welcome to the board!! It's difficult to sit back and see the pain and destruction that an alcoholic/addict does to those around them, isn't it?? Sadly, as the others have already said--there is little you can do to help the addict until they are ready to admit there IS a problem and seek help. But, you can help your friend by pointing her in a direction that can help her take care of herself. You've made the first step by coming to this board, and there are many wonderful people here who can empathize and offer support. I agree that Alanon is a beginning for her to learn to take care of herself. Possibly you could go with her, because it is for friends of alcoholics also. If she is not ready for the meetings, perhaps some literature??? Bookstores carry all kinds of helpful information. I'm sure that many of your fears (and hers) are for the children. I, too, have that problem. Though my oldest daughter, who is currently living with me and just got out of rehab, has no kids---my youngest dgt. does. She lives with an active alcoholic who won't admit to any problem. He lives for his alcohol and hanging with his buddies. He is extremely neglectful of the grandkids and they have suffered tremendously from his lack of time in their lives. My 7-year old granddaughter (who seems much older than her years) suffers from physical ailments almost daily. She's had trouble in school because of a lack of concentration, and I firmly believe it is the home environment that is the major cause. My daughter won't leave (for whatever reason)---and it tears my heart out to sit on the sidelines and see what all this is doing to the kids. I HAD to seek some help for myself when I knew my oldest dgt. would be moving in with me for awhile after rehab. Alanon, and the people on this board, have been true life-savers for me. I'm new to it, also, but I look forward to reading the posts daily. I sleep sporadically at night, and read and post as I can. I, as well as others, are here to help you and your friend in any way possible. Sometimes, just knowing that others wholeheartedly understand your feelings (though we can't take them away!!)---helps tremendously!! Keep coming back---it works!!! My best to you and your friend!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 3
Thank you for replying. I have been reading as many posts as I can - just to get a feel of what could be done. I did not mean to mislead you - The best friend I refer to is also my fiance. HE is the one who faces this pain everyday. I was living with them - but I couldn't deal with the abusive things being done. I helped pay bills and bought food while this young adult did nothing to contribute to his own care - and he stole my money from out of my purse. Jimmied the bedroom door lock and stole money from me and his Dad, and stole my car as well as his Dad's. His Mom passed away 3 years ago. His Dad seems to feel that this is the reason for why he acts like he does. However, he was acting like this before she passed. I know how hard it is to watch a child grow up and make things hard on themselves for the choices they make. I believe most parents raise their kids with the hope that their adult lives will be happy. And I guess we pride ourselves in being the ones who prepare them to face the world.. It hurts when they deny themselves a future.
I felt like as long as I stayed there I was contributing to the son's problem. That I had to get away so the Father could deal with it. I have been gone 6 months now - and nothing has changed. I will always love my fiance. We have been friends for 40 years. I don't really think the son wants anyone else in his father's life -
I am praying for everyone.
And I will take your advice - and I will seek out an Al-Anon meeting. At least that will make me feel like I am doing something besides sitting around feeling sorry for myself and grieving for the family we could have been.
I felt like as long as I stayed there I was contributing to the son's problem. That I had to get away so the Father could deal with it. I have been gone 6 months now - and nothing has changed. I will always love my fiance. We have been friends for 40 years. I don't really think the son wants anyone else in his father's life -
I am praying for everyone.
And I will take your advice - and I will seek out an Al-Anon meeting. At least that will make me feel like I am doing something besides sitting around feeling sorry for myself and grieving for the family we could have been.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
You have some very hard decisions to make.
My husband (2nd) has put up with more from my addict son than I probably would have from somone elses child. Your best friend is having to go through a tough time and unfortunatly just like other parents of addicts,he has damaged his relationship with you along the way.
He doesn't mean to, but feels that he HAS to help his son.
You have to understand that your relationship is seperate from this mess. If he says he loves you then I'm sure he is telling you the truth. But us parents feel that it is our responsibility to try to get our kids to see the light. If he abandons his son for you then he will always have regrets and probably blame himself. He probably already blames himself like most parents do and thats why he can't just let this go.
Having a relationship with someone who is cought up in a mess like this is hard. I guess that what happens in this relationship is up to you. Its how much are you willing to put up with?
You shouldn't have to go through what you've already gone through. Some one steeling from you and trying to damage your relationship. Its not right.
But let me tell you that there is a lot of pain for us parents who lose someone because of our children. We have to sometimes give up our life and love because of them.
If you truly love your friend then be there for him from a distance where you won't get hurt.
He does love you but he has to do what he has to do for his son.
Good luck
Davidsmom
My husband (2nd) has put up with more from my addict son than I probably would have from somone elses child. Your best friend is having to go through a tough time and unfortunatly just like other parents of addicts,he has damaged his relationship with you along the way.
He doesn't mean to, but feels that he HAS to help his son.
You have to understand that your relationship is seperate from this mess. If he says he loves you then I'm sure he is telling you the truth. But us parents feel that it is our responsibility to try to get our kids to see the light. If he abandons his son for you then he will always have regrets and probably blame himself. He probably already blames himself like most parents do and thats why he can't just let this go.
Having a relationship with someone who is cought up in a mess like this is hard. I guess that what happens in this relationship is up to you. Its how much are you willing to put up with?
You shouldn't have to go through what you've already gone through. Some one steeling from you and trying to damage your relationship. Its not right.
But let me tell you that there is a lot of pain for us parents who lose someone because of our children. We have to sometimes give up our life and love because of them.
If you truly love your friend then be there for him from a distance where you won't get hurt.
He does love you but he has to do what he has to do for his son.
Good luck
Davidsmom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 3
David'sMom - You are a wise woman. And it helps (as ridiculous as that sounds) to know that I am not alone - It felt like I was the only one going through this. My friends all had advice - Get Out of it. But I have known my friend since I was 12 - we grew up together. VietNam separated us. We had our separate families and partners. We both divorced. And now we are back together again. We made the mistake of arguiing with each other and throwing each other's children (all grown adults) up in each other's faces. Basically, both of us were the sole providers of the emotional and love support for our children. So when the person you love the most in the world tells you that your child is not right, and you know that you did the best you could under the circumstances that were forced upon you - It REALLY HURTS.. We both should have understood what we were doing to one another. But we were too wrapped up in pain and disbelief. I waited - but there has been no change. And I know that moving back will make everyone unhappy. I don't think I can watch him (the son) do nothing while his children are denied his love and support.
I will be moving by myself for the first time in my life - I figured that I have some issues to deal with as well - I need to find myself - I have taken care of other people all my life - and I just want to try it on my own - see what I can see.
I thank God that I have not had to deal with the heartbreak that others have had to deal with - I was reading about the fear and threats some have to go through. I have felt fear before when police have come looking for him or he runs in the house and flies to his bedroom - so you know someone is coming for him - and you don't know who that someone is.
I will always be there to help my friend. And I wish I could help his son in a positive way. I think he resents my presence especially when he is trying to get his Dad to pay for his mistakes and he thinks I am going to try and stop his Dad from helping.
I don't know anymore - I have put all of this in God's hands and I am trusting in his mercy and wisdom - I thank him for his intervention now, because I believe he will help.
I will pray for you as well.
I will be moving by myself for the first time in my life - I figured that I have some issues to deal with as well - I need to find myself - I have taken care of other people all my life - and I just want to try it on my own - see what I can see.
I thank God that I have not had to deal with the heartbreak that others have had to deal with - I was reading about the fear and threats some have to go through. I have felt fear before when police have come looking for him or he runs in the house and flies to his bedroom - so you know someone is coming for him - and you don't know who that someone is.
I will always be there to help my friend. And I wish I could help his son in a positive way. I think he resents my presence especially when he is trying to get his Dad to pay for his mistakes and he thinks I am going to try and stop his Dad from helping.
I don't know anymore - I have put all of this in God's hands and I am trusting in his mercy and wisdom - I thank him for his intervention now, because I believe he will help.
I will pray for you as well.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
CKC,
You are doing a very good thing for yourself and I'm proud of you. I know it is not easy. My situation with my A isn't like your's, but any time I read on here about someone doing the right thing for themself, then I am proud.
And I admire your trust in God. I too trust the Lord, that he will see us through our mess at our house. Really when it comes down to it, it IS out of our control. And you know, when you think about it, God is MUCH more capable of taking care of all this!
The problem with me is I just think I need to HELP HIM out from time to time. Duh...how stupid!!!! That's when I say,
"Hangin', remember the two foundational truths!
1. There IS a God!!!!!
2. You are NOT Him!"
Hugs, gal. You hang in there!
You are doing a very good thing for yourself and I'm proud of you. I know it is not easy. My situation with my A isn't like your's, but any time I read on here about someone doing the right thing for themself, then I am proud.
And I admire your trust in God. I too trust the Lord, that he will see us through our mess at our house. Really when it comes down to it, it IS out of our control. And you know, when you think about it, God is MUCH more capable of taking care of all this!
The problem with me is I just think I need to HELP HIM out from time to time. Duh...how stupid!!!! That's when I say, "Hangin', remember the two foundational truths!
1. There IS a God!!!!!
2. You are NOT Him!"
Hugs, gal. You hang in there!
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
I love my husband with all my heart as I'm sure you love your friend.
As the parent of a troubled child I hate it when my son does somthing to my husband because it always comes back to me.
My son may do the deed but I am the one who pays for it.
I'm sure it kills your friend when his son steels from you. Its a horrible feeling believe me.
If my husband were to leave me because of my son it would hurt very bad but I would understand.
I'm sure the boy thinks your in the way. Addicts do their best to get over on their parents because they know that they can. He's probably afraid your going to talk some sense into your friend and that makes it harder for the addict to get the best of him.
You have to do whats best for you but I have to feel sorry for your friend. He's stuck in the middle and thats a terrible place to be.
My brother barely talkes to me anymore because my son broke into the place my brother works and stole money.
The rest of my family thinks I'm nuts for putting up with the stuff I do. I have lost a lot because of my son.
There's no worse job than being the parent of an addict.
Good luck to the 2 of you and I hope you can make it through this tough time. I give you a lot of credit for putting up with as much as you have. I'm not sure how much I'd put up with if the shoe were on the other foot.
Good luck
Davidsmom
As the parent of a troubled child I hate it when my son does somthing to my husband because it always comes back to me.
My son may do the deed but I am the one who pays for it.
I'm sure it kills your friend when his son steels from you. Its a horrible feeling believe me.
If my husband were to leave me because of my son it would hurt very bad but I would understand.
I'm sure the boy thinks your in the way. Addicts do their best to get over on their parents because they know that they can. He's probably afraid your going to talk some sense into your friend and that makes it harder for the addict to get the best of him.
You have to do whats best for you but I have to feel sorry for your friend. He's stuck in the middle and thats a terrible place to be.
My brother barely talkes to me anymore because my son broke into the place my brother works and stole money.
The rest of my family thinks I'm nuts for putting up with the stuff I do. I have lost a lot because of my son.
There's no worse job than being the parent of an addict.
Good luck to the 2 of you and I hope you can make it through this tough time. I give you a lot of credit for putting up with as much as you have. I'm not sure how much I'd put up with if the shoe were on the other foot.
Good luck
Davidsmom
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Altoona, PA
Posts: 70
DAVID'S MOM---You ARE a wise woman, and I thoroughly enjoy reading all of your posts!! Please don't leave the forum!! You're right in that there is no greater job than being the parent of an addict---because, no matter what---they are your child!! It's difficult to let go of them (regardless of age)---and any mother worth her weight will understand that. There comes a time when we have to take care of ourselves, though, and place those kids in God's hands. I've done that with my daughters, and though their lives aren't as I always dreamed they would be---they're alive. With life, there is always hope for a better tomorrow!! Carrying those kids under our hearts for 9 months makes you always want to hang onto HOPE!!!!
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