Dear Rehab Counselor,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 14
Dear Rehab Counselor,
This is a doc that I am giving to my husbands Rehab Counselor tomorrow at our "family" meeting. I may also read it aloud if I am permitted. I have substituted AH for his name.
Set the stage: Instead of my AH writing down instructions for us how to handle HIS office affairs while he is in rehab…. I scramble around… writing furiously and asking as many questions as I can think of. Keys, codes, checks, payroll, deposits etc, etc….
Friday at my job I took calls from:
A's Rehab Counselor.
An employee called to ask if I could take my lunch ½ hour to write paychecks.
Therapists Office to set up some testing.
Another call from Therapists Office with available dates.
A's son who is said it was sort of an emergency…. He is getting married on Sunday to “a girl named Maria“… not the mother of his 2 children
An employee called to say he got some checks in the mail and how shall we get them in the bank.
Meanwhile, still at work, I was trying to get an idea of whether there were any buses that run near the Therapists office because I can’t take off work to take my AH... he will have to find a ride. I looked up metro and found that a bus stops at Shell and it is 2 blocks away.
Additionally, still at work, I was trying to fill out the Significant Other worksheet before Saturdays appointment with the alcohol rehab counselor.
My AH calls and when I tell him he has a Monday Therapy appt and may have to take a bus….. He TWICE begins to suggest that I call Metro to get the details of how he can get there from Rehab…. I think he got the drift when… the second time he started to suggest it… I said “uh-uh I’m not doing that“ but I will pick you up and drive you back to Rehab. Although you will have to wait for me to get there. He says “how long?” “til 5’’? I said, “well possibly” and he sounded disturbed…. Then he pipes up and says… “Well, do you know of any good bars around there”!
Of all the gall!!!! I was just speechless at the stupidity of it.
Then he says….”It’s a joke honey” and tried to make ME seem kookie for not laughing. Isn’t that kind of like joking about bombs in an airport?… if nothing else you’re just absolutely stupid for doing it.
Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture? I do, it’s all about someone else who could care less about my well being as a person. Someone that has made little codependents out of everyone he goes near.
Well, not this girl!
My AH is only being cooperative because he needs an ally on the outside that has the privilege of being able to drive him around & help save his business. His only real reason for being in Rehab is because if he is not enrolled in a program he will likely spend 6 months in jail on probation violations of DWI.
Unfortunately, I have been through the “lack of transportation” ordeal with My AH on other occasions….when he has gotten into an “accident “ of some sort. I have shuttled him back and forth to work and brought him lunch for at least 3 months full months at different times. He keeps to nearly acceptable behavior until the day he gets his transportation back… then… boom… you are going to pay for making him act so decent. Don’t show up for dinner, don’t call etc. This has been witnessed by friends and family.
It is too bad that my AH has gotten himself into this mess, but it seems any action on my part will likely be of no use and will just enable him. I can only prepare my self for my AH to revert back to all his nasty ways as soon as is possible for him, (1 yr probation) as he has done in the past, unless I see that things are new and different.
My AH has very few pure emotions or should I say behaviors… most everything he does is some form of manipulation. Even when he seems cooperative.
I believe My AH knows what he’s doing… maybe not exactly… but he knows he’s getting what he wants. When he does nasty things to me.. It’s revenge for me not accepting his excuses and holding him to accountability.
I’ve been trying to convince him of the fact that he is technically insane for 4 years now… but he just wants me to be insane with him, because, God Forbid…being rational may cause him to have to put forth some effort.
As has been relayed to me from others, My AH doesn’t want to put forth any effort to end the self destructive addictions that tie him to insanity for something that may not work out.... such as our relationship.
OK then, why should I put forth anymore effort toward his recovery (driving him to appointments, wasting my Saturday at therapy meeting, etc..) when he is likely only doing any of this to stay out of jail?
Taking care of myself will be my 1st emotional priority.
If I seem cold… it’s because I can no longer show “hurt” …. not in my eyes, nor in my voice.. As my AH feeds off the feeling of power he gets being able to hurt me emotionally. He sees some warped sense of romantic love in that or something. It makes me sick.
How much of all this “recovery” is going to be detrimental to me? He is a family traitor. If he wants back in - he needs to do what it takes. As smart as he thinks he is I’m sure he can figure out how to go about it.
I’m not asking him to do anything illegal or immoral in changing his behaviors… He stands by this…. “Don’t try to change people” philosophy…. Well, darn it…some people need to change….. and the Assbags… er… Alcoholics…. are some of them.
I have choices…. I can forgive my AH and go my own way. But, I cannot forgive him and tolerate the unacceptable behavior that only creates anger, bitterness and resentment, the symptoms of the Significant Other that has unknowingly caught "the disease" from the alcoholic. Once his disease has sufficiently spread to me…. I can live a life of bitter resentment that I will feel eternally guilty about. …..So I can be sick, too???? NO WAY!!!!
I guess I can spend countless hours ignoring bad behavior, finding other people to share my life with…. After all, who wants their spouse to be their best friend? I’m being sarcastic now… sorry!
In a lot of marriages affected by alcohol, the lines are muddy in that the A started drinking while in the marriage and who knows who is to blame for what. We don’t have that problem…. My AH was drinking and infecting other people with his disease long before he started infecting me. And just so he knows…. It doesn’t really matter how anyone else dealt with his intentional infection.
I can forgive him but, reconciliation between the two of us requires not just my “forgiveness” but his apologies…proof of remorse… sorrow for the behaviors and the actions of doing all that is possible to make up for it.
Actually, I have already forgiven my AH in my heart…. That is not so hard for me to do… but I can still leave here and go to a divorce attorneys office because our relationship has to be “reconciled” and that requires him to do his part. If he is not willing to do his part then there can be no reconciliation for us.
My AH is certainly physically capable of doing what it takes to make things right. What is the harm in putting forth as much effort & for as many years making it right as he spent making it wrong? What is so unfair about that?
My AH has had life on his terms for a long time. He didn’t have the tireless, sometimes thankless and exhausting job of raising his 2 children day in and day out. He hardly saw them and blamed the ex. He had 2 wives that let him drink and be as foolish as he would like for 25 years. He has been his own "boss" for 10 years so he can NOT work and get paid for it if he wants. And no cares if comes in drunk or not at all.
I spent all but the last few of 20 years raising my child as a single parent with no financial support and not having the opportunity to get ahead without sacrificing my family for it. I do not deserve to spend one minute in this type of toxic relationship.
How ever could someone expect to hide it from a spouse. I guess that's why they want to get married so quickly and promise you the moon and fake being everything you could want for a little awhile... just long enough to get you.... then.... "drunken stupor" time!!!
We’ve spent nearly 5 years doing his “selfish alcohol” thing…. Now we can spend 5 years planning vacations, saving $, growing in spirituality, spending quality time together, etc.. Lord, I’m not asking him to do anything illegal or immoral…. it’s just that some people really do need to change… and anyone addicted to drugs or alcohol are prime candidates. We all change… with time and personal growth… we change… why the big fight over not changing something that is in need of serious change.
He is emotionally unavailable to me
He is coercive and threatening to my sanity
He is a non productive & non reinforcing member of this intimate relationship
He tries to make me codependent
He is self destructive
He has an addictive disease that is catching to the family
He is frequently dishonest and…………..
Is unwilling to identify those behaviors as problems to work on
I am in hopes that this may shed enough light on the TRUE situation so that My AH can best be helped, as he will surely fain depression and anxiety.
Significant Other
Set the stage: Instead of my AH writing down instructions for us how to handle HIS office affairs while he is in rehab…. I scramble around… writing furiously and asking as many questions as I can think of. Keys, codes, checks, payroll, deposits etc, etc….
Friday at my job I took calls from:
A's Rehab Counselor.
An employee called to ask if I could take my lunch ½ hour to write paychecks.
Therapists Office to set up some testing.
Another call from Therapists Office with available dates.
A's son who is said it was sort of an emergency…. He is getting married on Sunday to “a girl named Maria“… not the mother of his 2 children
An employee called to say he got some checks in the mail and how shall we get them in the bank.
Meanwhile, still at work, I was trying to get an idea of whether there were any buses that run near the Therapists office because I can’t take off work to take my AH... he will have to find a ride. I looked up metro and found that a bus stops at Shell and it is 2 blocks away.
Additionally, still at work, I was trying to fill out the Significant Other worksheet before Saturdays appointment with the alcohol rehab counselor.
My AH calls and when I tell him he has a Monday Therapy appt and may have to take a bus….. He TWICE begins to suggest that I call Metro to get the details of how he can get there from Rehab…. I think he got the drift when… the second time he started to suggest it… I said “uh-uh I’m not doing that“ but I will pick you up and drive you back to Rehab. Although you will have to wait for me to get there. He says “how long?” “til 5’’? I said, “well possibly” and he sounded disturbed…. Then he pipes up and says… “Well, do you know of any good bars around there”!
Of all the gall!!!! I was just speechless at the stupidity of it.
Then he says….”It’s a joke honey” and tried to make ME seem kookie for not laughing. Isn’t that kind of like joking about bombs in an airport?… if nothing else you’re just absolutely stupid for doing it.
Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture? I do, it’s all about someone else who could care less about my well being as a person. Someone that has made little codependents out of everyone he goes near.
Well, not this girl!
My AH is only being cooperative because he needs an ally on the outside that has the privilege of being able to drive him around & help save his business. His only real reason for being in Rehab is because if he is not enrolled in a program he will likely spend 6 months in jail on probation violations of DWI.
Unfortunately, I have been through the “lack of transportation” ordeal with My AH on other occasions….when he has gotten into an “accident “ of some sort. I have shuttled him back and forth to work and brought him lunch for at least 3 months full months at different times. He keeps to nearly acceptable behavior until the day he gets his transportation back… then… boom… you are going to pay for making him act so decent. Don’t show up for dinner, don’t call etc. This has been witnessed by friends and family.
It is too bad that my AH has gotten himself into this mess, but it seems any action on my part will likely be of no use and will just enable him. I can only prepare my self for my AH to revert back to all his nasty ways as soon as is possible for him, (1 yr probation) as he has done in the past, unless I see that things are new and different.
My AH has very few pure emotions or should I say behaviors… most everything he does is some form of manipulation. Even when he seems cooperative.
I believe My AH knows what he’s doing… maybe not exactly… but he knows he’s getting what he wants. When he does nasty things to me.. It’s revenge for me not accepting his excuses and holding him to accountability.
I’ve been trying to convince him of the fact that he is technically insane for 4 years now… but he just wants me to be insane with him, because, God Forbid…being rational may cause him to have to put forth some effort.
As has been relayed to me from others, My AH doesn’t want to put forth any effort to end the self destructive addictions that tie him to insanity for something that may not work out.... such as our relationship.
OK then, why should I put forth anymore effort toward his recovery (driving him to appointments, wasting my Saturday at therapy meeting, etc..) when he is likely only doing any of this to stay out of jail?
Taking care of myself will be my 1st emotional priority.
If I seem cold… it’s because I can no longer show “hurt” …. not in my eyes, nor in my voice.. As my AH feeds off the feeling of power he gets being able to hurt me emotionally. He sees some warped sense of romantic love in that or something. It makes me sick.
How much of all this “recovery” is going to be detrimental to me? He is a family traitor. If he wants back in - he needs to do what it takes. As smart as he thinks he is I’m sure he can figure out how to go about it.
I’m not asking him to do anything illegal or immoral in changing his behaviors… He stands by this…. “Don’t try to change people” philosophy…. Well, darn it…some people need to change….. and the Assbags… er… Alcoholics…. are some of them.
I have choices…. I can forgive my AH and go my own way. But, I cannot forgive him and tolerate the unacceptable behavior that only creates anger, bitterness and resentment, the symptoms of the Significant Other that has unknowingly caught "the disease" from the alcoholic. Once his disease has sufficiently spread to me…. I can live a life of bitter resentment that I will feel eternally guilty about. …..So I can be sick, too???? NO WAY!!!!
I guess I can spend countless hours ignoring bad behavior, finding other people to share my life with…. After all, who wants their spouse to be their best friend? I’m being sarcastic now… sorry!
In a lot of marriages affected by alcohol, the lines are muddy in that the A started drinking while in the marriage and who knows who is to blame for what. We don’t have that problem…. My AH was drinking and infecting other people with his disease long before he started infecting me. And just so he knows…. It doesn’t really matter how anyone else dealt with his intentional infection.
I can forgive him but, reconciliation between the two of us requires not just my “forgiveness” but his apologies…proof of remorse… sorrow for the behaviors and the actions of doing all that is possible to make up for it.
Actually, I have already forgiven my AH in my heart…. That is not so hard for me to do… but I can still leave here and go to a divorce attorneys office because our relationship has to be “reconciled” and that requires him to do his part. If he is not willing to do his part then there can be no reconciliation for us.
My AH is certainly physically capable of doing what it takes to make things right. What is the harm in putting forth as much effort & for as many years making it right as he spent making it wrong? What is so unfair about that?
My AH has had life on his terms for a long time. He didn’t have the tireless, sometimes thankless and exhausting job of raising his 2 children day in and day out. He hardly saw them and blamed the ex. He had 2 wives that let him drink and be as foolish as he would like for 25 years. He has been his own "boss" for 10 years so he can NOT work and get paid for it if he wants. And no cares if comes in drunk or not at all.
I spent all but the last few of 20 years raising my child as a single parent with no financial support and not having the opportunity to get ahead without sacrificing my family for it. I do not deserve to spend one minute in this type of toxic relationship.
How ever could someone expect to hide it from a spouse. I guess that's why they want to get married so quickly and promise you the moon and fake being everything you could want for a little awhile... just long enough to get you.... then.... "drunken stupor" time!!!
We’ve spent nearly 5 years doing his “selfish alcohol” thing…. Now we can spend 5 years planning vacations, saving $, growing in spirituality, spending quality time together, etc.. Lord, I’m not asking him to do anything illegal or immoral…. it’s just that some people really do need to change… and anyone addicted to drugs or alcohol are prime candidates. We all change… with time and personal growth… we change… why the big fight over not changing something that is in need of serious change.
He is emotionally unavailable to me
He is coercive and threatening to my sanity
He is a non productive & non reinforcing member of this intimate relationship
He tries to make me codependent
He is self destructive
He has an addictive disease that is catching to the family
He is frequently dishonest and…………..
Is unwilling to identify those behaviors as problems to work on
I am in hopes that this may shed enough light on the TRUE situation so that My AH can best be helped, as he will surely fain depression and anxiety.
Significant Other
Late stage optimist
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Auburn, WA
Posts: 306
Wow. My question to you: Where are your boundaries with husband? Does not look like there are very many well defined boundaries.
If I was bothered by all that, I would have given him the old heave ho and gone on with my life without him (and given him the chance to repair things once he has 2 or more years of sobriety, not abstinence, assuming I am available). If you needed an anchor you could buy one at the local marine dealer and not have all the collateral behavior you are dealing with.
If I was bothered by all that, I would have given him the old heave ho and gone on with my life without him (and given him the chance to repair things once he has 2 or more years of sobriety, not abstinence, assuming I am available). If you needed an anchor you could buy one at the local marine dealer and not have all the collateral behavior you are dealing with.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((OMGdess)))
Wow!! I see that you have heaps of insight into your situation. And the conculsions you draw are not dissimilar to the ones I drew almost a year ago when I left my A fiance. You are not being cold, imo. You are being realistic.
fuster - you aren't wrong in what you say, but I see that OMGdess has reached the point where boundaries are coming into play. IMO, alcoholics actively seek out those who have weak boundaries and are vulnerable in some way so that they continue the manipulation. We all did what we knew how to do - as soon as we started to know healthier ways, we used them.
Wow!! I see that you have heaps of insight into your situation. And the conculsions you draw are not dissimilar to the ones I drew almost a year ago when I left my A fiance. You are not being cold, imo. You are being realistic.
fuster - you aren't wrong in what you say, but I see that OMGdess has reached the point where boundaries are coming into play. IMO, alcoholics actively seek out those who have weak boundaries and are vulnerable in some way so that they continue the manipulation. We all did what we knew how to do - as soon as we started to know healthier ways, we used them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 14
Fuster - you bring up a point. So few people really have a working knowledge of “boundaries” .... until you’ve been used to the point of abuse you may not realize what is happening.
I wrote the doc for my AH’s counselor to read or to read aloud in our meeting so that he will know what is really going on.
I am finding most everyone does their level best to make the spouse deal with everything. This is a counselor at a reputable “paying” rehab… If this counselor knows his stuff then why on earth would he suggest that I try to make arrangements to take off work, drive from my work to the Rehab to pick him up and take him to therapy (3 hour testing session) go back to work, drive back to therapy to pick him up and take him back to rehab?
The therapists office suggested the same thing!!!
His family suggested it also!!!
Just imagine how they sound when I say I can’t do that…. or worse… when I say I won’t do that!
The only source of sanity around here is my unsupportive 80 year old mother who has an apartment attached to our house. She looks at me like I’m crazy for even thinking of wasting my gas, wear and tear on my car, or time and effort to lug him around. But if I suggest divorcing him (which may mean being forced to move to smaller quarters) she gets all stressed out “what will we do?“ and I wind up taking her to doctors for 2 weeks for nothing but apparently the diversion. It seems it’s a case of damned if you do… damned if you don’t.
But I do think that him being away from home and in rehab for the next few weeks will be time for me to clear my head. I hope to get a better handle on it all and make some important decisions.
Minnie, thanks, yes you are right that I am at that point where boundaries are coming into play… it’s definitely time to take this to the next level!
OMGdess
I wrote the doc for my AH’s counselor to read or to read aloud in our meeting so that he will know what is really going on.
I am finding most everyone does their level best to make the spouse deal with everything. This is a counselor at a reputable “paying” rehab… If this counselor knows his stuff then why on earth would he suggest that I try to make arrangements to take off work, drive from my work to the Rehab to pick him up and take him to therapy (3 hour testing session) go back to work, drive back to therapy to pick him up and take him back to rehab?
The therapists office suggested the same thing!!!
His family suggested it also!!!
Just imagine how they sound when I say I can’t do that…. or worse… when I say I won’t do that!
The only source of sanity around here is my unsupportive 80 year old mother who has an apartment attached to our house. She looks at me like I’m crazy for even thinking of wasting my gas, wear and tear on my car, or time and effort to lug him around. But if I suggest divorcing him (which may mean being forced to move to smaller quarters) she gets all stressed out “what will we do?“ and I wind up taking her to doctors for 2 weeks for nothing but apparently the diversion. It seems it’s a case of damned if you do… damned if you don’t.
But I do think that him being away from home and in rehab for the next few weeks will be time for me to clear my head. I hope to get a better handle on it all and make some important decisions.
Minnie, thanks, yes you are right that I am at that point where boundaries are coming into play… it’s definitely time to take this to the next level!
OMGdess
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