When is it going to stop
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: tupelo ms
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When is it going to stop
As you all know I have another thread , talking about my alcoholic husband. Talking about the night of almost being killed while he was drunk. Now today the nitemares start again but this time, its my son. My youngest son. When is it going to stop is what I grab my head and hear my self saying. I cried and cried. I think I can't take anymore. Why me? Is it my fault? Am I guilty of something in my past, Lord am I reaping what I have sowed? My nerves are shot. It's bad when you live with an alcoholic, one that saids." he is not, but knows that he is." Been to AA been to counseling. Knows better, but does these weekend warrior drunks. Sometimes he is sober for months, a year, and then everyother weekend and then its every other day. Now, I have my youngest son, 25, who is the baby , the one that always wants to talk in the wee hours of the morning, the one that you can count on. Telling me his need for pills is back. We just got through a ruff time with oxycotons, and hydro's. Sometimes I sit and look at his picture and think , "what did I do wrong." Last night trying to be strong , trying to be a good listener and trying to be a mom , and giving the right advice was more than I thought I could bare. See New Years Eve we like to have lost him. He had done so many oxy's that his friends thought he was dead, but they did not call anyone. They waited to see if he would be ok. I screamed what if he had not been ok, then it would have been too late. I know he is lonely trying to fix a mistake with a girlfriend of 5 years now, I know he and his brother dont get along. I know all the reasons why he does what he does, and I told him it was excuses, and yea they are some bad things that has gone on. Guilt will eat you alive. You know I feel like I am ramblling, and I am scared, I am just a mom, a wife that feels like her life is being ripped away from her , and I want to scream I hate drugs and alcohol to everyone I meet on the street. All I can do is pray. I asked a friend that doesn't have these problems too pray, she said she could not even think how I must feel. I told her, you dont sleep, you dont eat, you cry and scream aloud when your alone. Your heart breaks and aches , and I feel like I am in a living hell. My son is so young too let drugs take his life over. I told him he was choosing to live that way, and that the problems he has can be over come, but, I am just a MOM , I told him, I could not ever forgive the ones that had caused such pain on him if something happen to him. Then as he walked to the door, I stopped and saw myself in the mirror, and I prayed , "GOD PLEASE DONT LET ME ALSO BE THE PROBLEM" I look tired, I am , I am worn out , worry will drive you crazy you know. So , I sit here , and dread when the phone rings, and yet scared when it don't. I feel like I am a prisoner in their world and they have the keys and have thrown them away. What do I do , somebody pleaseeeeee what do I do, what do I say, when will this nitemare ever end?
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
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Broken,
YOU hold the keys to your life, no one else. You've mentioned before that "you knew better" b/c of you experience with AA and Al-anon... why not give it a try now? Detaching from your husband and your son's addictions is the answer... al-anon will help you do that. There are people there who understand exactly what you're thinking and feeling.
Please take a deep breath and realize that you CAN do this! Just for today... one step at a time!
Thinking of you,
Shannon
YOU hold the keys to your life, no one else. You've mentioned before that "you knew better" b/c of you experience with AA and Al-anon... why not give it a try now? Detaching from your husband and your son's addictions is the answer... al-anon will help you do that. There are people there who understand exactly what you're thinking and feeling.
Please take a deep breath and realize that you CAN do this! Just for today... one step at a time!
Thinking of you,
Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: tupelo ms
Posts: 12
Your right , I know your right. I feel like being a mom , and a wife, at the sametime is more than I can handle with both of them having a problem. you know what I mean? I am human, but your right, I just have to pick myself up. But, dont think for one min, that its easy, cause it isnt. I use to tell families , mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and grandparents its ok to CRY. Nothing wrong with crying, so that is what I have done all day today. While alone, I have cried, I have prayed, and I have listen to the silence. I have hurt today in my heart, ached for not being able to fix the problems. Right now all I can do is pray an wait and hope. However, IL am not supermom, and superwife, I am human, I bleed, I cry and I hurt ..........I want pretend everything is ok, when its not. I will try to look at the problem and see it for what it is but I will have to accept things I dont like and dont want to hear. I know that. Your right I hold my own keys.......but its hard.
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Originally Posted by broken213
. Why me?
. What do I do , somebody pleaseeeeee what do I do, what do I say, when will this nitemare ever end?
. What do I do , somebody pleaseeeeee what do I do, what do I say, when will this nitemare ever end?
As soon as you decide to make changes for yourself.
Your post indicates you have no knowledge of the disease of addiction. First step is to get educated.
AL-Anon is the best sours of education, support and compassion for family members.
Its not about you. Its about a person with a disease. They dont do what they do to hurt you, get even with you. So take yourself out of it. Get educated.
Help and hope is available from people who have experinced just what you are.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
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Originally Posted by broken213
..... Why me? Is it my fault? Am I guilty of something in my past, Lord am I reaping what I have sowed? ....Sometimes I sit and look at his picture and think , "what did I do wrong." Last night trying to be strong , trying to be a good listener and trying to be a mom , and giving the right advice was more than I thought I could bare.
Originally Posted by broken213
..... I know he is lonely trying to fix a mistake with a girlfriend of 5 years now, I know he and his brother dont get along. I know all the reasons why he does what he does, and I told him it was excuses, and yea they are some bad things that has gone on. Guilt will eat you alive.
Originally Posted by broken213
..... I asked a friend that doesn't have these problems too pray, she said she could not even think how I must feel.
Originally Posted by broken213
..... What do I do , somebody pleaseeeeee what do I do, what do I say, when will this nitemare ever end?
I hope you can find some meetings in your area - I wish you the best.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
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I would like to add another suggestion, try to find an AA big book. Your library should have one and read the stories in the back.
I will try to find the AA book on line and post later or maybe someone else has that info in their head.
Did your husband have alcoholic parents or any relatives that were alcoholic?? Seems to be hereditary. Any alcoholism on your side??
I will try to find the AA book on line and post later or maybe someone else has that info in their head.
Did your husband have alcoholic parents or any relatives that were alcoholic?? Seems to be hereditary. Any alcoholism on your side??
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
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Hi Broken,
I got teary-eyed reading your post. It's a TOUGH thing all the way around. But, taking steps to become healthier yourself, is thee first priority. If you can't sleep, you can't think rationally. Try al anon, counseling one-on-one.....something.
My 26 yr old son drinks. Not all the time and not heavily, but he still does and it worries me alot. His Dad's dad was an alcoholic, his dad was a drug user and abusive and I am a RA of 11 years. So, he's definetly got it in his genes and grew up watching that and us as role models in his life.
He thinks that the only time he can open up and talk his heart is when he's been drinking. He was raised that "real mean don't cry". Being an excellent athlete and coached by his dad for years in both baseball and foootball, being capt. of the football team at his HS, he lived by that quote. He was to be tough at all times never letting down his guard.
He does open up alot when he's been drinking. But, a little too much. I keep praying that he'll slow down or quit all together. But, it is hard to see.
Have you ever watched the show "Intervention" on Sunday nights on the A&E channel? It's a great show on people with all different types of addictions and how their family does an intervention with them using a professional to help. Very informative.
Hang in there!
((hugs))
I got teary-eyed reading your post. It's a TOUGH thing all the way around. But, taking steps to become healthier yourself, is thee first priority. If you can't sleep, you can't think rationally. Try al anon, counseling one-on-one.....something.
My 26 yr old son drinks. Not all the time and not heavily, but he still does and it worries me alot. His Dad's dad was an alcoholic, his dad was a drug user and abusive and I am a RA of 11 years. So, he's definetly got it in his genes and grew up watching that and us as role models in his life.
He thinks that the only time he can open up and talk his heart is when he's been drinking. He was raised that "real mean don't cry". Being an excellent athlete and coached by his dad for years in both baseball and foootball, being capt. of the football team at his HS, he lived by that quote. He was to be tough at all times never letting down his guard.
He does open up alot when he's been drinking. But, a little too much. I keep praying that he'll slow down or quit all together. But, it is hard to see.
Have you ever watched the show "Intervention" on Sunday nights on the A&E channel? It's a great show on people with all different types of addictions and how their family does an intervention with them using a professional to help. Very informative.
Hang in there!
((hugs))
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Join Date: May 2004
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AA Big Book http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Girlfriend...Might I ask you, was there any A's in your family, or diabetes (sp?)??
I had an uncle that was a bad A,on one side , then an uncle that was a diabetic on the other side. I am a recoverying A also.
I have read we inherit an inability to handle sugar,as sugar turns to alcohol in our system, and alcohol turns to sugar.
I was a very high bottom drunk and was a binge drinker. Had I been worse or daily drinker I would still be at it or dead.
I sorta feel most females will go to a Dr. quicker than a male. (always exceptions) Dr. gave me tranquilizers for PMS, found I got too sick with both, so it frightened me.
Sorry Broken213, for butting in, but have been wanting to check this out with girlfriend. Thanks
I had an uncle that was a bad A,on one side , then an uncle that was a diabetic on the other side. I am a recoverying A also.
I have read we inherit an inability to handle sugar,as sugar turns to alcohol in our system, and alcohol turns to sugar.
I was a very high bottom drunk and was a binge drinker. Had I been worse or daily drinker I would still be at it or dead.
I sorta feel most females will go to a Dr. quicker than a male. (always exceptions) Dr. gave me tranquilizers for PMS, found I got too sick with both, so it frightened me.
Sorry Broken213, for butting in, but have been wanting to check this out with girlfriend. Thanks
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
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Originally Posted by Clancy46
Girlfriend...Might I ask you, was there any A's in your family, or diabetes (sp?)??
I had an uncle that was a bad A,on one side , then an uncle that was a diabetic on the other side. I am a recoverying A also.
I have read we inherit an inability to handle sugar,as sugar turns to alcohol in our system, and alcohol turns to sugar.
I was a very high bottom drunk and was a binge drinker. Had I been worse or daily drinker I would still be at it or dead.
I sorta feel most females will go to a Dr. quicker than a male. (always exceptions) Dr. gave me tranquilizers for PMS, found I got too sick with both, so it frightened me.
Sorry Broken213, for butting in, but have been wanting to check this out with girlfriend. Thanks
I had an uncle that was a bad A,on one side , then an uncle that was a diabetic on the other side. I am a recoverying A also.
I have read we inherit an inability to handle sugar,as sugar turns to alcohol in our system, and alcohol turns to sugar.
I was a very high bottom drunk and was a binge drinker. Had I been worse or daily drinker I would still be at it or dead.
I sorta feel most females will go to a Dr. quicker than a male. (always exceptions) Dr. gave me tranquilizers for PMS, found I got too sick with both, so it frightened me.
Sorry Broken213, for butting in, but have been wanting to check this out with girlfriend. Thanks
Hi Clancy,
No A's in the family. My Dad was borderline diabetic and I have a cousin with juvenile diabetes.
For awhile, I drank every day. From when I got home from work until I caught my "buzz". Then, I went to drinking on the weekends only. Then, the last couple of years before I quit for good, I'd drink about 4 times a year. On holidays.
I still have problems with sugar. I have to cut it WAY down in my diet. Come to think of it, my son had alot problems with sugar, too, when he was little. The littlest amount and he'd be hyperactive all day long. I had to really watch his sugar intake.
*Sorry,Broken*
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: tupelo ms
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Well, I taught AlAnon for right at 5 or 6 years. Thats the problem , dont you see. Everything I taught, I have known, I have all the books, for some reason, I guess I thought it can't happen to me, cause I know all there is too know. WELL I DON'T....now the shoe is on the other foot, its my son and my husband. I know not to enable, I know not to get them out of jail, but, I don't understand addiction. I never did when I was teaching but I knew the books. Lets get real, we don't know how it really feels cause we are not an addict, or alcoholic. I know I have a son that is using excuses, I KNOW THAT, nobody has to tell me that, an I told him also. My husband on the other hand, well, he knows AA like the back of his hand. That is a problem, I can tell him something and he can come right back at me. The truth is they both have got to help themselves. My son, he is the sweetest son, but yes he is an addict. How did he get that way?????? I try to find the right words, the tuff love , and I can tell when he is messed up. I can tell when he is needing a pill, I know, I have seen it many many times. I can't make him stop, he has to do it, but does that stop me from crying, my heartbreaking, heck no it don't. It is ripping my heart out. Like I said, when the phone rings all I want to do is hear his voice, all I want to know is that he has lived one more day. The fear of him dying is what scares me. I hurt deep on the inside, like I feel like I am dying too. I have read up on oxy and I know all about it. He come up with that he wanted to go to a methadone(sp clinic ...........that is covering the problem with another problem. We discussed that in detail. Lord I dont know, but I know that I am going crazy with fear. Its bad when you have one problem but now I have two. If you don't think it can happen to your wrong, addiction can hit any family, at anytime. When you hear that the family is more sick than the ones doing it , those words are so true. They hurt the ones they love the most. Yea I am down tonight, and tired mentally, plain worn out. I know that he has got to stay away from certain friends, change his play ground and playmates, I know that, but he is not going to do it. I have a picture of him when he was a little boy, so innocent and I want to know what happen to him. My husband he gives me all the excuses, i have heard them all. The bottom line is this, both of them, they both know it has to start with them. While they are getting high and getting drunk we sit on the sidelines getting kicked down day after day night after night and its like a terrible horror movie in my head and they are sorry after its over but you hear those words over and over again time after time, and it just never is the end. I hate what this is doing to my family , I sit here right now, with such sadness and pain in my heart. Waiting on my son to call and say ,"mom I am home I am ok, talk to you tomorrow", but will he? It could be the last time I ever hear his voice do you know ho wthat feels does anyone know how that feels? I am sure you do. I am sure many of us here know how that feels. I feel like I can't breathe at times, but somehow I find the courage to go on. Even when I dont feel like I can. So here I sit, the walls feel like they are closing in and the silence drives me nuts, and the worrying is making me old. Sorry folks, I guess I am on a crying spree, but I will be better, I always find that peace later. I guess it helps just looking at the words I have written, I feel like somebody out there hears me and I know that I am not alone.
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Hon, I don't understand your phrase "I taught Al-anon". Were you a member of the Al-anon fellowship? If so, best get back there. If not, best get there.
Getting the focus off the alcoholic and onto me was the best thing I could ever have done. And al-anon members taught me how to do that.
Getting the focus off the alcoholic and onto me was the best thing I could ever have done. And al-anon members taught me how to do that.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
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Aw Broken, Cry away, but don't get so wrapped up in the pain that you forget your own life! Yes indeed it's sad, very sad. It's so hard to sit back and watch loved ones repeatedly hurt themselves (especially when they "know" better). Living with and loving active addicts takes alot of strength, courage, and faith, and it can beat the hell out of you if you let it.
Please know that you didn't cause their addictions, you can't control it, nor can you cure it. But that doesn't mean you stop living just b/c they are sick. I remember the first Al-anon meeting I went to. I couldn't stop crying or talking... I was a mess. I was so embarassed until I looked around and saw others were crying with me. I didn't understand... why were they crying? As I listened to each of them share their words of experience, strength and hope I came to realize that they were crying because they knew my pain, they understood like no other, and they actually felt my pain with me.
Finding the Al-anon community saved my life. I was no longer "crazy"... well, I was doing crazy things... but I came to realize that addicts have all the same behaviors. Behaviors that I just can NOT control. My husband does what he does b/c that's what addicts do. That freed me. I no longer took his behavior personally. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control, and I can't cure it. He has the keys to his life, and now I have the keys to mine.
Just reach out... there are so many wonderful people waiting to see you!
Thinking of you,
Shannon
Please know that you didn't cause their addictions, you can't control it, nor can you cure it. But that doesn't mean you stop living just b/c they are sick. I remember the first Al-anon meeting I went to. I couldn't stop crying or talking... I was a mess. I was so embarassed until I looked around and saw others were crying with me. I didn't understand... why were they crying? As I listened to each of them share their words of experience, strength and hope I came to realize that they were crying because they knew my pain, they understood like no other, and they actually felt my pain with me.
Finding the Al-anon community saved my life. I was no longer "crazy"... well, I was doing crazy things... but I came to realize that addicts have all the same behaviors. Behaviors that I just can NOT control. My husband does what he does b/c that's what addicts do. That freed me. I no longer took his behavior personally. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control, and I can't cure it. He has the keys to his life, and now I have the keys to mine.
Just reach out... there are so many wonderful people waiting to see you!
Thinking of you,
Shannon
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I was a counselor and also held and taught AlAnon to the family members at the drug and alcohol rehab where I worked for years. I have every book and paper work , and anything you need about AlAnon. That is why I said, I know better, but it's different when it YOU. I feel better today. I have prayed and cried all night long. Got up praying and saw my son, he looks good today and I am thankful for today. I havent seen my husband yet. Today I am going to read in AlAnon books and I am going to find me some meetings, and I am going to hold my head up and walk right in there. What I want to be able to do for myself is stop asking why, and what did I do wrong. I want to be able to face the problem and when my son or husband come at me with the hurful words, the cussing, the excuses, I can know the right reaction and words to say. I guess it was easier when the shoe was on the other foot, easier to tell someone else what to do and say and act. But, now, its me, it's my life and it's not some strangers, its MY LIFE, and its real. I need to know what to say and how to react to some of the things they do and say. I get frustrated, I get hung up, and I let my love for them both get in the way. I need to find that true tuff love , and most of all take care of me. Its not me that is the addict and the alcoholic its them. But, sometimes I feel like well, just become a addict and an alcoholic join them and then you want hurt anymore. But that is the wrong thing to do and never will. I am weak when I think that way. But, today I am strong. I am going to find a way not to let them take me down mentally. I just want to know the right things to say and do. I know they see I am hurting and because I love them I will listen to their excuses which are many. But, there is a part of me that is stronger than all this, I just have to find it, and be what I need to be for them both. Thanks to everyone yall made me feel better, and knowing I am someone that has this problem and I am not behind the desk and real people are talking to me has made me realize I am human and my family is not perfect and this world can be cruel, but we can overcome. I t may take me awhile to really get rooted, but once I do, I will be fine. I know that there will be good days and bad days, and sad days and crying days, I know that ..........but its ok, cause I am human. I love my son and husband and because of that I must be stronger than both of their addictions put together. Thank you all, thank God for a forum where you can be you.
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OK.... I may be WAY off base here but if so... just take what you like and leave the rest.
YOU are wonderful to have been a counceler and held/taught Al-anon meetings all this time... I have complete respect for you cuz Im not sure I could do it. BUT you know how it says in the big book that the reason AA is so effective is because the person counceling is also an A??? That they have been there and REALLY do understand. Its like going to a male doctor for menstral cramps... yea he may know what they are, but he cant really understand.
Maybe ... just maybe this is the spiritual sandpaper needed for you to be able to be more effective. Its said that God uses people in many ways, when he is preparing us for something .... sometimes we have to go through hurt to get there.... Most change hurts in some way. Maybe if you know that this is happening to you but not for no reason and there is something wonderful that will come from it ... it might help with the hurt your going through now.
OK... maybe a bit too deep, and maybe its off base.... but thought I would throw it out there
YOU are wonderful to have been a counceler and held/taught Al-anon meetings all this time... I have complete respect for you cuz Im not sure I could do it. BUT you know how it says in the big book that the reason AA is so effective is because the person counceling is also an A??? That they have been there and REALLY do understand. Its like going to a male doctor for menstral cramps... yea he may know what they are, but he cant really understand.
Maybe ... just maybe this is the spiritual sandpaper needed for you to be able to be more effective. Its said that God uses people in many ways, when he is preparing us for something .... sometimes we have to go through hurt to get there.... Most change hurts in some way. Maybe if you know that this is happening to you but not for no reason and there is something wonderful that will come from it ... it might help with the hurt your going through now.
OK... maybe a bit too deep, and maybe its off base.... but thought I would throw it out there
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That was a very good post. Thank you for sharing that. My dad was an alcoholic when I was growing up, but stopped drinking when I was in the 7th grade. My cousin was a drug additct. I guess I have been around a lot of people that has been an alcoholic or addict most of my life. I am no saint. Lets get that straight. I have tried post when I was a teenager, hated it. I have drank sure i have, I have been intoxicated but I know when enough is enough and have never had a problem. But your point was made. I have gone through this with my husband now for 11 years, and I guess you know I thought that made me qualified to know what is was all about, but not being one I guess does make a difference . A huge difference. Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate anything that anyone has to say good or bad. Thats how we learn from one another. thanks again.
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Originally Posted by broken213
I have every book and paper work , and anything you need about AlAnon.
I can read all the books and visit all the websites having to do with skydiving, but I'll never know what it really feels like or has to offer me until I take that first dive.
Of course, I would never jump out of a perfectly good airplane... unless it was the only way I could get to an Al-Anon meeting. I'd call that "going to any lengths"!
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Originally Posted by nocellphone
...except for, from the sound of it, experience at meetings... Have you ever actually been a member of the fellowship?
I can read all the books and visit all the websites having to do with skydiving, but I'll never know what it really feels like or has to offer me until I take that first dive.
Of course, I would never jump out of a perfectly good airplane... unless it was the only way I could get to an Al-Anon meeting. I'd call that "going to any lengths"!
I can read all the books and visit all the websites having to do with skydiving, but I'll never know what it really feels like or has to offer me until I take that first dive.
Of course, I would never jump out of a perfectly good airplane... unless it was the only way I could get to an Al-Anon meeting. I'd call that "going to any lengths"!
Instead if sitting in your muck and asking "why", how about getting in your car and heading to where recovery lives?.....12 steps is all it takes.
Are you willing to go to any lengths?
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I have all the credits to be a drug and alcohol and group counselor (still I have to look to be sure if spelled with s or c) ?? LOL I did not become certified due to some health problems, but still read everything. Studied psychology and have some credits in that.
Well I had to resort to going for help, would tell psychiatrist, "I know all the answers, but I can't do it". So in a way I understand. Guess I needed a meeting for "cruel, know it all, judgemental non addicted family members, with closed minds."
Just a tidbit that came to mind.
Just hang in there. So much to learn.
Wanting the Best for all of you. Again welcome to SR and keep coming back .
Well I had to resort to going for help, would tell psychiatrist, "I know all the answers, but I can't do it". So in a way I understand. Guess I needed a meeting for "cruel, know it all, judgemental non addicted family members, with closed minds."
Just a tidbit that came to mind.
Just hang in there. So much to learn.
Wanting the Best for all of you. Again welcome to SR and keep coming back .
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