He has nothing and still doesn't get it.
 

How many rock bottoms can you have? I have taken my love away, I have put him out of our house. I no longer care about his problems or health. I do not include him in anything the kids do. I do not take his calls. I only talk to him through email if I need him for something, paper work, ect. I am taking him off of my insurance and getting my name off of his truck and his name off of my van. He has NOTHING. No one gives a crap about him....he is seriously choosing alcohol. I just don't get it. Why wouldn't you just shoot yourself and end it? What is he hanging on for? What is life worth to him? I really do not get it. Do you know?? He's had SIX years worth of chances.

Oh, I know SC. My ex fiance is in the same position - he has lost 2 (!) fiancees and 1 business partner in less than a year (and 1 PC and a router (2nd fiancee threw them in the bathtub)). In addition, he has 2 ex-wives, a son he barely sees, debts up to his eyeballs, few (?any) friends, lives in a rented house (most of his furniture is stuff I left), drives a beat up car and is struggling to pay an interim tax bill due next month. I just did our accounts today - we earned nearly $90k each last year. Where does all his money go? Can he not see what a mess his life is in?

OK, that was my bit to show you that I totally understand. Now, for my rational head. He is an alcoholic. He doesn't think like I do. He is making choices, just like I am. He has every right to live in whatever way he chooses. I don't like his choices, so I don't share his life. If he wants to drink himself to death - his choice.

It isn't worth wasting time trying to understand. I have spent a lot of time trying to work it out. In fact, I am still intrigued by the psychology of addiction but that is for my own curiosity rather than to help him.

Some alcoholic's bottoms are if they see themselves drunk on a video, for others it is when they are in the ground. No-one knows where theirs is until they reach it.

He's not done.

I think some can hate themselves so much, nothing I repeat nothing else matters to them. My exA lost similiar things mentioned in Minnies post and then some, still won't quit drinking. I don't think my ex has the energy any longer to dig himself out ot the incredibly deep hole he is in. Last time we spoke (not so long ago) he sounded like a man defeated....mentioned he had a plan, a glimmer of a plan really but I didn't hear any ambition in his tone...just some more quacking. I think when the quacking stops, it is over for them....IMHO and his quacking is less and less....I hear your frustration....I hear your confusion, I too have felt those emotions...
Love, Patty

I've had these emotions for a really long time. I guess I to am fascinated by the alcoholic mind. I always wonder what I am going to have to say to our children. I know the day will come when they are going to ask. Have any of ya'll kids asked? Why they were not chosen?

My children are 5,4,4. The oldest is a boy and he's the one that looks at his father as his role model. I have seen the hurt when daddy doesn't come to the football game that he dressed special just for daddy and daddy doesn't come because he got into a car accident because of drinking. Or waits for him all day only for daddy to visit and has to leave the house because he's staggering drunk and his daddy's only purpose was supposibly to come and see him.
Or scared to death that daddy is going to fall down and start yelling. I'm sure he's heard so many sorry's he doesn't believe them anymore. What possibly does "I love you" mean to this little guy by now? Everything daddy says doesn't come to pass. He doesn't understand that some of the times daddy is silly but never a serious parent. He knows "daddy is sick from alcohol". What do you say when my son see's his first shooting star and wishes that his daddy didn't drink alcohol and no one in the world would either? Anytime we are at church we pray for daddy to get better. Does my little son think God doesn't hear him? I can't put a band-aid on this boo boo. He's asked "why doesn't daddy just quit drinking alcohol and come home?:" I can't even answer that. I always tell him "daddy is trying his best to get better" I am completley lying to my son and this kills me. My hatred towards my husband stems from the way he's hurting this little boy who wants to be just like his daddy. He's crushing his hopes and dreams and prayers. Sorry to vent but I don't think my anger will ever leave. Maybe when I'm 90.

It amazes me as well, that after xabf has seen the terrible effects that alcoholism has had on his Father and his Uncle, he continues the same life style as them.

I remember when he was sober and going to AA, a light bulb went off in his head. He started to see the effects of alcoholism, and said he never wanted to be like his Father.

Great topic SC- I was just pondering this myself today! My exAH blames me for all of the problems he has. I also wonder how someone can be so down and not "get it". He feels I am to blame for him losing everything- the marriage, kids, house, etc. The alcoholic mind really is facinating. I have no clue of he is still drinking- many times I think he is but as a dry drunk he is still lost.

I also understand how you feel about your kids- mine are young as well and it kills me that he has ANY influence on them. He is such a bad role model and the only thing I can do is surround them with good, kind people that show them love, support and appropriate behaviors. The kicker for me is that my 4 y/o doen't really understand alcohol yet- thank god- so when she thinks of the bad times and her daddy drinking- she thinks he had too much water to drink!!! Someday she'll understand.

It's been said that every bottom has a basement...

Someone told me once that his definition of a bottom was that his life got worse faster than he could lower his standards. Alcoholism will drive a person to lower their standards to a point beyond where we might believe a bottom would have to be.

Thanks for sharing that NCP! Makes a lot of sense. It's sort of scary and very sad.

Glad I won't be there to see any of this destruction; that's what I'm thankful for today.

I too find it baffaling. My xabf has been homeless, in and out of jail (dui's not showing up for court or probation), lost his kids from prior marriage, estranged from his family, lost my love for him, no license, always broke, health problems so bad doc said if he keeps drinking he won't make another year, no real job, no possessions etc. Yet he still drinks. Blames me and everybody else for his problems. I tried so many times to get him to tell me Why in the world does he still do it? He said he doesn't know, just that he hates his life so much he just wants to escape (with help of vodka). Seems some can't make the connection between the booze and the way life is for them. However,

Good point Minnie, I need to get this through my head. True, I am not with him anymore, but I still sometimes try get through to him what he's doing to his life and how he can change it. Need to work more on Letting Go and Letting God

I totally understand what your talking when it comes to kids. See, mine are teenagers and they get real mad at me for letting him be the way he is (they ask me why do you let him spend all of your money, etc).... we never have money for football games, dances, school clothes, school supplies and fees, food, bills, gas, etc. They hate it. They hate the fights. I feel its better for the kids not to be around it. and as I write, Iam striving for that.... because kids need stuff.

My ex is on crack he has no car, no place to live..I no longer allow him to see our son he has no job...he is as thin as a wafer, last time I did see him I gave him a plate of food because he hadn't eaten in days then told him he had to leave.
He has been to rehab before and he knows about AA so he knows his resources.
I can't figure it out. For the life of me I can't figure it out

I wonder what they see? After a certain period of time wouldn't you get tired of being tired? I know that AA meetings suggest 90 meetings in 90 days, and I know it can be hard if your tired from work to make time for meetings and then you spend the whole hour talking about alcohol. I went to one with my friend and I actually got out of there and wanted a cocktail myself. I'm not trying to make a joke, I really did. There should be an audio tape that they can sit and listen too. Like AA on tape or something. IT would be alot easier to sit them in the room and say "ok, you stay in here for an hour and listen to this". Then days that they feel up to it they can physically be there. ALso, I don't understand why they feed one addiction with another. IF they are not drinking they all usually are smoking at those meetings and if they are not smoking they are pounding coffee. Doesn't one go hand in had with the other? I know if I have a drink I want a cigerette, never fails. IF I don't drink for a year, it'll be a year before I have a cigerette. I know everyone's different but don't they take the time to look at themselves and the patterns they create for their own lives?

Of course they do - that's when they hit rock bottom. Did you read the thread about the frog?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=71964
That happens to As too.

90 meetings in 90 days is, I believe, a rehab thing not an AA thing. And there are speaker tapes available. In fact, there are Al-anon ones too at www.xa-speakers.org

It was a good analogy. I'll have to remember that. I was thinking about that today as a matter of fact. Wondering how it went from a beer here and there to full blown black outs and losing jobs and hitting your wife, ect. I personally wish someone would have educated me on an alcoholic or alcoholism when I was a teenager. I never knew anything about this and now that I am in it with my ah it's a huge world this alcoholism.
I will look into those speaker tapes too. Thanks a bunch.