FaithChaser

Hey everyone,
Wondering if anyone else has had this experience? Usually when we have arguements as everyone here has suggested they are forgotten about the next day, no I'm sorrys, no talk of what happend. Yesterday he calls me to ask what I'm up to, said I was on my way to order his birthday cake for Sat. The big bday party... The one I said I'm not going to. He says he has an idea for what to put on it, "Happy birthday to my big jerk husband" My response is, "sounds good but not appropriate" No, "I'm sorry", that was part of his appology. Later he comes home with a gift and a card. I open the gift and it's an IPod, something I have wanted for eons. I could never afford one, my animals take all my loot but to me they are more important than listening to my fav tunes! I felt like he was trying to buy my forgivness, rather than talk about it, rather than really say I'm sorry. So my reaction is to do one of those things Bahookie was talking about on her post, the snap without thinking thing. "Take it back, I don't want it, what I want is an apology!" The rules change when dealing with an alcoholic, I reacted. Turned into a night speaking of divorce again which I don't want to deal with right now. Ducks are not in a row to follow up with that, so I end up saying I'm sorry and taking the IPod. Wrong, I don't know, selfish, absolutely!

Birthday party is Saturday, I'm going to say hello to those I've invited, it would be crappy to bail on everyone, until that is I feel like I have to drink, then I'm bailing to say I have to go take care of my animals, have someone call me from the stable to say Tig (my horse) is needing me or whatever!
My feeling is that he's not sorry because it will happen (the abusive drunken arguments) again because it always does. I know to walk away now. But my reactions are that of a teenager. Is it practice that teaches us better reactions?

Well, I'm learning the correct way, just unable to follow through yet.

Hugs to youz,
~FaithChaser

HEALEDbyFAITH

So I'm a little foggy here why did you say I'm sorry? Did you do something that you forgot to mention? HBF

FaithChaser

oooooooops, said i'm sorry cuz I started ranting and just to calm things down, like I said ducks not in a row, can't follow through so I don't want to make any threats of leaving have plans to tend to etc. Hope that makes it more clear Healed. Sorry for not being very clear there!

Hugs!
~Faithchaser

labbylover01

Hmm. I have not been here long but Im starting to realize Im not alone. I thought It was just my JERK AF that didnt ever talk about whats going on. After A stupid drunken night he will just call me at work the next day and say what going on... Like nothing happened. And Im not one to hold a grudge for to long so it usually does blow over until the next time. Do they really think it ok??? I mean really.. Mine thinks I make a big deal out of nothing.. Yeah like acting like a jerk and peeing in the bed is nothing...LOL

joyinlife

Wow, FC...my ah does that ALL the time. I feel the same way you do though, it's like he's trying to 'buy back' our love, affection, whatever. I have not heard the words 'I'm sorry' since just after we got married. It's like it's too hard for them to say, and almost impossible for them to do. I always say I'm sorry if I've felt I've done something wrong, or offended somebody; but I don't think I've ever tried 'buying' somebody back. lol, I usually get a couple of doughnuts the next day after something like that happens: like it's a peace offering...but never 'I'm sorry.'

Like you, I don't have all my ducks in a row yet either, but I'm working hard on it so I can move on (and have him move out.) Don't know about you, but my ah knows that I don't hold a grudge and and am a forgiving person. Maybe they do that because they know they were wrong, and aren't mature enough (or they're too drunk, or hung over) to apologise. Who knows??? It still hurts the same no matter what, and we still get confused over where they're coming from.

Good luck on Saturday, and when you go out to the barn give Tig a big ole apple! If you're as close to your horse as I was to mine, Tig'll give you comfort in knowing you're simply loved just for being you. Keep the faith...living with an alcoholic in our lives takes us on journeys we never dreamed of. I put the serenity prayer over my computer and read it so much I should have it memorized by now. Keep writing and coming here, with each post we read, we find a little more of ourselves, and gain more understanding. God Bless! Joy

dreamcatcher

I recently had a great but unusual experience. I have moved on and recieved flowers from someone "just because" What a shock! My first response "what did you do?" It has been 23 years since I have gotten something just for being me. The other great thing was the "gift" wasn't charged on my credit card as it had been done in the past. It was always such a wonderful feeling when I recieved an I'm sorry gift and then I got to pay for it the next month.

FriendofBill

It may not have been the apology you would have preferred, but he did give you a generous gift, something you have been wanting. Is it possible that what his own way of making an apology, even if it wasnt *your* way?

Would it be possible to just be honest about not attending the party by saying you have changed your mind, not want to attend, and let it go at that? You have options and choices, noone says you must attend somethin you dont want to.

It just seems dishonest have someone stage a phone call as youve described. After all, we dont like it when the alcoholic pulls that dishonest stuff, right?I never liked it when he got all creative about having to go out and get drunk...tho your not leaving to get drunk, you are leaving to avoid something, him,. Isnt it the same kind of behavior?

Just food for thought

dreamcatcher

Their is nothing wrong getting an apology "your way" every once in awhile. Why are we always expected to accept things the way they do it. BLAH BLAH BLAH. In my experience being honest with a drunk is like beating yourself in the head with a baseball bat. They manipulate,twist and screw with your head so you don't even know what the truth is. Lying is not the best route, but it is survival for some of us. I guess you could kick your horse in the leg and then you would be telling truth. Enjoy your Ipod.

Zoey

I so believe men are so different from females, they are just not made to say I am sorry. Most only know to buy a gift.
In fact I might suspect he intended to get it perhaps when you first mentioned what you really wanted, but the drinking got in the way. Then he remembers when you become angry.
Ever see men plan a wedding or a baby shower??
Do you know men that plan what they will get everyone for Xmas, and wrap them ahead of time??. They have the girl in the store gift wrap their presents on Xmas eve I bet.
It is so hard on them so an A stops for a drink and never buys anything, stay drunk till new years. Am I way off base here???
I am just thinking, You can ignoe me. Take care of you.

pmaslan

I agree with what Clancy said about men...well most men anyway... there is always an exception to the rule...I'd tke the ipod...you deserve it and I'd go to the party...you planned it, I am sure you will enjoy the company of your friends.....
Although sometimes animals are better company than people...LOL

UrbanFool

As an alcoholic, I'd like to say that the silence isn't because they (we) aren't owning up to it. It is the humiliation, the guilt, the WTF do I say THIS time syndrome. I can't say how many times I've tried to cheerfully go on with life after f-ing up completely, and I'm paralyzed with guilt and embarrasment. (And I'm not even that bad of a drunk --as in abusive or idiotic.) Well, it's all idiotic.

Zoey

Thanks urban...
Wish we had more men explaining men. Bet we would all like that.
I love men.
I so believe we are so different, and I think men accept us better than we accept men. Might I ask, do you as a male just accept that you will never understand women till you see a face looking like a thunder cloud. ??
Exceptions in all cases. Thanks again

Cynay

I have to thank you too. Its hard to work past the differences and wonderful to hear a man explain the through process... boy if I could pick your brain apart!!!

StandingStrong

I'm in agreeance with UrbanFool. My AH has said as much to me as it used to irritate me so badly when he'd act like nothing had happened, just wake up to a new day and act as though the night before had never happened.
While I'm not saying that I like it or agree with it - it does tend to be that way for some A's. Not just A's though - think about a person that doesn't use that has done something they are embarrassed about, ashamed of, etc., I'm sure they don't want to have to admit, let alone talk about something they regret. Especially when it's a repeated offense that seems to be out of control for them to handle.
Just my thoughts.

UrbanFool

I'm sorry... I'm female and I'm Kelly. Usually sign my posts, but I had to get that off my chest, because I well know it. My husband can't even be described as a "normie", he doesn't drink at all. God only knows why he hooked up with me. So I don't think it's a "male" thing... it's an alcoholic thing.

brdlvr2

Thanks Urban/Kelly for your post. It helps me understand my xabf when he would do the same thing. When I pressed him for an answer as to why he can not want to talk about it or whatever, he pretty much said what you said.