ChildlikeFaith

When my AH last got sober, a couple of weeks ago, he and I had a chat about his drinking and how I should be reacting to it. We discussed detachment and taking care of myself and the kids. The conversation ended up changing a lot of things. I asked him point blank if he felt victorious when he thought he pulled one over on me. Did it make it easier to take the next drink when he though he fooled me? He told me that it really didn't he felt just as ashamed either way. I then asked, if that was true, should I not say anything to him when I knew he'd been drinking even though he wasn't "drunk"? He actually said that he hoped I would say something because it would hold him more accountable. I then told him that, if he had any decision making ability left when he drank, I'd appreciate it if he'd separate himself from the family until he sobered up. Who would've known that the conversation would turn out to be helpful to all of us?

A few days after our talk, AH had a drinking binge. It was a pretty big one. I was very surprised when he went into the garage and made himself a bed out there on the floor. He stayed out there for four days, only coming in to grab a bite to eat and take a shower. Once his binge was over, and he was sober again, he came in and rejoined the family. I was shocked. He'd never done anything like this before. It was a nice change after all of the arguments and throwing things that had happened in previous binges.

Yesterday, he had the day off work. He decided to drink. I came home, and I noticed that he'd been drinking but was nowhere near drunk. He was still able to function. I very calmly asked if he went to the liquor store today or did he already have some on hand. He said that he didn't go anywhere. I said, "well, I guess you still had some on hand." Then I left him alone and played with the kids in the other room. He stayed separate from the family for the rest of the night.

Now, I would be foolish to believe that things are going to work this way all the time, but I'm quite pleased with the little bit of progress that has been made. Though he has so far been unable to stop drinking, at least he isn't trying to drag me down with him. I just pray the drinking stops soon. In the meantime, I will celebrate every tiny victory.

Pick-a-name

Well said! Enjoy what you can! Glad you had a "little break" at the very least. Who knows?

Jewgirl952

Wow, what a way to choose to live!

pmaslan

my thoughts exactly....

Soul Catcher

I did what you did but decided that it was still settling. I deserved and so did my kids his sobriety. I guess I know what drinking alot feels like, I used to drink myself...socially but would benge drink on the weekends. When he's drunk he doesn't care where he sleeps, any food tastes good. It's just survivial. It is hard to quit. I was lucky to love my kids enough. I truely believe that if one wants to quit that they can. I put my foot down with my ah and said NO MORE. If he wanted to live on in that world he was going to have to do it alone. It is soooo easy when he is not here, no stress, no following him, no turning things off, no fighting, cussing just not dealing with any of it. Things always go back to the way they were if you let them. If you give them an inch they will take a mile. I hope for your sake he wakes up and wants to be sober.

Tally

I know where you are coming from

JennyK

I am so glad you were ready to do that. Make the choice.

I do not view my daily living with an active alcoholic as "settling". It is my life. Settling, to me, means that I am making a choice not to live my life the way "I" want to live it. Settling means that I am passively choosing that this is how my life is. That is not the case in my life. At this point I am not ready to NOT have my family together. I am not settling for life with an active alcoholic, I am living my life for what is right for this day.

I am evolving, every day, every moment... I deserve and desire things that I can control and can attain. I can not make him sober. I am not ready to leave. In my mind that is a far cry from settling.

Apparently that term strikes something in me...this really is not about your statement and I am very happy that you were able to know what you needed to do and do it. That is exactly what we all should be able to do.

Jenny

FormerDoormat

I'm glad that you've found a way to detach and deal with your A's binging. But it makes me sad to think of your A sleeping on the garage floor. I think it's an indication of how poorly he thinks of himself.

And while I hate what alcohol did to my xAB and the chaos it brought to my life, it still breaks my heart to see people suffering so. I hope your A finds a path to recovery and you and your children find peace.

Sending prayers your way, and prayers for your A, too.

JT

I hear a lot around here about people having "the talk" with with the spouse/BF/SO and I have never gotten that. When I started recovery I was so raw that I would never have considered tipping my hand. Asking an alcoholic if I should detach? Even using the word detach in a conversation with an alcoholic?

Ward and I are happy and I still wouldn't open myself up like that. An active alcoholic can't be trusted with that information. I can picture it now...the first time I open my mouth he is going to gong me over the head with my own words. Then I feel stupid all over again for trusting...

I am not going to negotiate with a disease. It's like trying to nail fog to a tree.

JT

Pick-a-name

Thank you SR frineds. I read this a I noticed a "shift" in my thinking...........(OK, were it my A/xH I might still have trouble with this, but I hope not.) I saw that and thought..why feel sorry for HIM? He is an adult, there are lots of choices he could make, besides sleeping on the garage floor. I made the choice myself last night not to sleep on my own garage floor! He could sleep in is own bed, IF he wanted to, he could sleep somewhere else; heck he could even drag a mattress in there......all up to him. I guess if he doesn't care, why should I/you?

Thanks for the light-bulb moment!

GettingBy

I have to agree with JennyK, I don't think what I'm doing is "settling" either. Maybe some would call it "denial", but I have to disagree with that as well. I have accepted life on life's terms, and that includes my husband's disease. My husband is a good man, who happens to be sick. He loves me ery much and puts a lot of work/effort into our marriage, and he struggles to battle his addiction. He's aware of it, and can see the damage it's doing to him, but he has yet to accept his powerlessness over it. I know how it feels to wake up the morning after (I used to be a terrible binge drinker in college), so I know that he doesn't need a lecture from me to let him know how unacceptable his drinking is. He has to learn it on his own, and to watch him struggle with it (especially thinking he can 'control' it) really makes me sad and it's taught me what true compassion looks like.

I have to agree with JT as well. I actively work my Al-anon program and am constantly focusing on the new behaviors I want to have... but I would never tell that stuff to my husband. I'd rather let him see it in my actions. I live by example, not by lecture. It's my program, and keeping it personal allows my slips to be my business only.

This is a very good thought provoking thread... thanks for all the shares, and especially for listening to mine!

-Shannon