Alongtimegone

I slapped my "A" today. I called him every name in the book and told him he would screw his own mother. I don't like myself now. I don't want to be a violent, abusive person, and I didn't use to be this way.
I found out that the recent women are just a drop in the bucket. He has had them and others all along (our wedding day included) and I was too stupid to see it.
He is withholding financial records and information from me. He is hiding money.
he asked me to meet him at the rehab hospital yesterday so he could check himself in. Stupid me, I went. When I got there, he changed his mind and told me he can do it on his own.
Before I met him I did really well at my job. i worked my way into a good promotion. I had a beautiful garden I loved tending. I had good relationships with family and friends. I was writing, and had my bood accepted by a publisher.
All of those things and more have fallen by the wayside, and it is my fault for devoting so much time and energy into him and the disasters he creates.
I hate myself for allowing this to happen to me. I hate myself for coming back again and again for more abuse. I hate myself for believing in him. I hate myself for loving him.

Clowie

Dear Friend,
I have been there and done that... I have hit my husband (my A), Kicked him in the balls, called him and his family every name in the book..... I was horrible! I thought I was crazy.... Well to tell you the truth I was crazy.... I was so sick in my codependency! I would argue with everything he told me... I would fight to get my point across.... I tried to control everything and everyone around me... I wanted to prove to my husband it was the drugs that was making life so miserable for him... I wanted to show him that life could be so much better... I even married him thinking this will show him how much I love him and he will want to be a good husband to me...
Well I started to pray... I started to pray to my HP for the truth... and the truth came to me... It happened a little bit at a time.. My husband is an addict... I started to detach myself from him.... I stopped allowing myself to suffer his consequences... I started to take care of myself.... it was all baby steps... over a period of time... I got my own checking account... canceled all mutal credit cards... I took his name of the lease... I set my boundaries... I told him if he used meth again... he would have to leave... Well he used again... and I told him he had to leave... Well he left... He went on a binge... I believe some point between here and there... he hit his bottom.... He totatled his truck... He has not been to work... in two months... He dropped out of school... and for the first time... I'm taking care of me... Luckily My husband is now working for his recovery.... He is going to meetings... asking for forgiveness and for the first time I have know him he has been honest with me... It takes baby steps... and let me be the first to tell you it's not easy!!!!!

I'm sending one million hugs to you... Find a group nar-anon/al-anon and keep posting here!
Your friend in recovery... Clowie

Doppelganger

Hi Alongtime and Clowie.

I backhanded Rasputin once, too.

Believing in people and loving them are good things. Mercy and forgiveness are, too. We are taught these things by our religions and our culture. We crave them for ourselves, so we extend them to others. We go the extra mile for people we love, because we understand people are fallible. There's nothing wrong with any of that. Think of the times in your life when you have been generous over someone's poor behavior and they acknowleged that with gratitude and made good of the second chance. Weren't you pleased that you didn't write them off?

The problem for me was, I didn't know where to stop giving "just one more chance". The day I slugged him, I knew something had to give. I had already been punching other things, and my hands were getting sore. I couldn't help thinking that he would find some way to inspire the rage again, and next time I might have something heavy and blunt in my hands. I knew I could become so blind with anger that I was literally out of control. He had the sense to elect to leave and I had the sense to tell him it was a good idea.

I also know how painful it is to have old secrets come to light. Even if you're not looking they have a way of revealing themselves. I finally decided that addict's behavior is subject to fieldmouse syndrome. If you see one, you have 10. It kept me from being surprised.

You don't have to stop loving your husband, or stop believing that it's possible for him to recover. I would suggest however, that you keep some physical distance between you until there's some evidence that he has at least begun. Your wounds are too big and too raw to stand having salt rubbed in them right now. It took me many months of being away from Rasputin, lots of alanon love and many changes in my life that were designed to keep his chaos from affecting me before I stopped daydreaming of sending him into the front yard through a wall.

I don't know what your husband's reasons were for choosing not to enter the rehab, but the number one way that people stop using is to just stop using. It's not really a sign either of sincerity or the contrary. I know you feel jerked around, but the only solution for that is to remove yourself from his recovery scene. If he asks you to meet him at a rehab again, congratulate him on his effort and go shopping instead.

Don't hate yourself. Hate the disease.

Doppelganger

Alongtimegone

Does the disease make him a womanizer and liar too?
He blames me for the other women, but who wants to have sex with a sloppy, obnoxious, bed-wetting drunk? He has tried to pressure me in to having sex on demand, regardless of how he has been treating me or how unappealing he has been.
It's like he thinks I am supposed to be his *****.
I am having a hard time believing that getting sober will change his other behaviors...

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Longtime.

People who are addicted often have underlying problems that drove them to the substance in the first place. No, quitting using won't solve the other things. However, there's no way he can address the other problems until he does stop. There's no guarantee that even if he abstains from using he'll ever become the kind of man anyone wants a relationship with. But he sure won't if he doesn't dry up.

If the man is repulsive to you, don't force yourself to be in his company. You don't owe your recovery to his. You don't owe him going back if he DOES recover, even if he becomes a sterling example of humanity. But being around him at all right now sounds like picking a scab. Get some distance and let yourself heal.

Hugs,
Smoke

Live

Dear along,

I am so sorry. I want to talk about this too but I don't know what to say.

You are describing my ex and my confusion and anguish too.

And I just don't get it.

It has turned my world inside out and torn my heart to pieces.

Everything I believed in and believed it was about is violated.

I did alot more than slap and scream, and in my normal world I'm a very laid back person. Someone at work said to me one time, you don't let anything get to you, do you?
But this did and I was arrested for battery.
And he'll say today that the whole reason I was upset was because I cared about him. He still pressed charges. This was a year ago.


And that woman he just moved in, why am I hurt and jealous, 'coz I know he's got two others on the back up and would keep me there too..."cept I'm too crazy to go along with the stupid game.

It's my fault he screwed around on me too. According to him.
I used to try to accomodate him and think maybe it was, now I say BS!!!!

That last conversation when I said it like it was in a like it is tone of voice, he just said he was a whoredog.
Doesn't mean he's going to do anything different.

Tried to make me feel better by telling me how much other men would like to be with me.
I can't even think of that, y'know?

But I understand it feels like everything you thought you were about and held dear is violated and betrayed.

I wish someone could put a light on this for both of us.

Y'know.....HOW Could You Do That???????????????????????????

Mg said earlier NO Contact and that's what I'm trying to hold to.
I want to know. But I don't want to know.

But it is beyond me to wish him well at this point.

Don't you also wonder what is up with the woman willing to move in like that. I think she must not respect herself to say the least.

Just my thoughts,
I wanted you to know you are not the only one this has happened to. I don't have a single answer.

I question my own judgment. My counselor has shown me tho' that he is very adept at manipulation and when I cry WHY WHY she says because it works. Maybe not in the long run, but short term it gets them what they want.

Then why lie so well about what they want? I wonder. I thought we wanted the same things and I didn't make it up, he told me so over and over again.

????????????????
Big hugs,
tena

Live

okay, I figure he's got to keep a stable of enablers, cause he knows he can't sustain the one

and with low self esteem all that loving(?) makes him feel desirable

if he's treated as okay or salvagable by an admirerer it helps him believe it

we co-deps volunteer to save him, he hopes maybe somebody can

after awhile we say I'm not putting up with this so he finds someone who will

??????

Alongtimegone

So why do we keep doing it? Why do we settle for this kind of life?

smoke gets in my eyes

Good question. We don't have to.

Live

I hate what he does but in there is also a person I dearly love. I picked him because he was special and he is.
How can both be true?
I dunno.
It's that Dr J and Mr H thing they talk about that I still don't understand.
Hey, I'm a newbie, I'm hoping somebody else can help us out with this.
I'm no saint. But I wanted us enough to try to grow up and work it out. He wanted to work it out too. HIS way.But I knew it wasn't a workable plan. It was his way or my way but never ours together, if that makes any sense, so it was always a one up one down situation.

Also I've read about their need to be punished, how it feeds the syndrome.

I don't understand anything, I just think about it alot.

Morning Glory

I think it just might be denial that confuses you so much. Look at it. That's what it is. All of it is what it is . You can't base a relationship on the requirement that so many things have to change. It is what it is what it is. You can't separate the good from the bad and just pretent the bad will go away. It may never go away.

Choices:

You take it just as it is.
You wait and wait hoping the other peson will change.
You work on your recovery so you can give yourself the things you need and want and become happy where you are or find a person who is capable of giving you those things.

First you have to recover enough to be able to accept those things or you will find yourself in the same pattern of picking someone who can't give it and then blaming them for it.

Do people change?? Yes. Is there a guarantee that they will. No.
If they suddenly changed and showered you with everything you want and need. Could you accept it? Probably not.

Your recovery has to be your focus. All the other things will fall into place as you come out of denial. The truth is painful. I repeated this pattern several times before I came out of denial and became responsible for my own feelings. I still struggle with my son and still fall for the BS sometimes.

The first hard horrible step for me was owning all my emotions. I was responsible for the way I felt. Not an outside influence. It was my reactions that made me miserable and still do make me miserable at times. I am not a victim of someone elses personality. I have choices. If I choose to continue in the circumstance that I am in then I am choosing to pay the consequences of that circumstance. My choice. I have to also be careful then so that I don't turn myself into a martyr by making my choices. I am responsible.

What are you choosing right now and what are the consequences of your choice??

Hard painful stuff for all of us.

Hugs,
MG

Live

owie-zowie

that was a skillet!

but needed, thank you MG

Morning Glory

I apologize for being that blunt. It's because I'm tired and grumpy. I usually put things more in the I frame. I'm not much of a skillet person. I've tried not to post lately, lol.

I'm just trying to say that we can take our power back by making choices. Look it over and look at the facts and make a choice. It doesn't matter which choice it is as long as you know you have choices. Suffering the consequences of the choice are your choice too. If I leave the conseequence could be painful. If I stay the consequence could be painful. I will then have to learn how to choose my reaction to the pain. Acceptance is the key no matter where we are. We all wish and pray that things could be different, but that might not be realistic and might help us avoid the changes we need to make. I'm talking about myself here too. I pray that my son will stop his addiction, but it may never happen and I have to face that pain and choose to live my life without his addiction and his need for change being the center of my attention. I don't want to be a victim of his addiction any longer.

I don't have to remain a victim. I can choose.

Hugs,
MG

Live

MG no apologies needed. I like blunt. that way I don't have to read between the lines or wonder what exactly are you trying to tell me. I don't get my feelings hurt very easily. I was laughing when I said owie-zowie.
And I take what applies to me and don't worry about the rest.
This type of relationship is not a pattern for me, in fact, I grew up in a Beaver Cleaver household and had never seen alcoholism until I was with this man. Needless to say I way underestimated the situation. My ex and I were married 17 yrs and he's a nice guy.
I don't know what makes one person fall in love with another but it seems to me it is a very special and rare thing. I wanted to keep that part. But you're right, can't pick and choose, it's all the same package.
I am worried however that having lived this level of intensity will make me prone to be attracted to trouble.
And for whatever reason I would still be susceptible to trying to make it right with the A. Despite all the evidence.
Dreams die hard. shrug.

Anyway, I like to hear things straight up. Gets thro' my hard head better.

Been working on the idea that I choose my feelings in counseling. I'm having trouble with it. I accept and knew I made choices to be where I was, doing what I was, but choosing feelings is different than choosing how to think or act. I'm not getting it.

make any sense?

love,
tena

Morning Glory

Well, I think in a perfect world we could react so well to each situation that we wouldn't feel pain. I remember that even Jesus wept so if he chose his feelings he chose to have them.

I believe that there is a very very important purpose in pain and suffering. My most joyous truths from God were learned in the midst of pain and suffering. I cherish those times now when looking back. If I had it to do over again I would choose those feelings to gain that truth.

Hugs,
MG

Alongtimegone

I appreciate all of your responses. I am still feeling pretty bad about myself for slapping him. My first husband was very physically abusive to me, and I was lucky to get out alive. I don't like to know that there is a part of me capable of doing anything like he did.
The ugliness of all of this still has me reeling. I need time to heal, time to think, and time to live, really live without so much fear and hurt.
This "A" has not physically abused me "just" emotionally and sexually - especially when he wasn't getting his own way.
I have been to counseling off and on for years, and really thought I was in a good space when I met him. Initially, I had no intention of getting emotionally involved. the hook was I felt really sorry for him (he was going through a divorce) and thought I could help.
Then it became about proving I was "good enough" for him, as he often told me he viewed me as his "stepping stone."
I left him once before, then we went to counseling together and I married him. I had 4 of the happiest months I have ever had in my life. i guess I have that to be thankful for.

Morning Glory

Alongtimegone,

We are all capable of losing control. You received a severe blow learning about all the other women. This just showed you that it's time to walk away and heal.

It's easier to get hit than go through the emotional pain that he has put you through.

Step out of the ring and rebuild your strength and your self esteem.

Keep posting.

Hugs,
MG

Hangin' In

Along,

Something you said in an earlier post just made me think of this. You said HE blames YOU for the other woman?

Along, take the BLA, BLA, BLA out of BLAME and all you have left is ME, which is what your husband is thinking of...HIMSELF. You had nothing to do with his choice to be with another woman. He is laying blame.....and alcholics are the EXPERTS at doing that so they don't have to look at their own shortcomings.

Along, you are NOT responsible for any of his behavior. Don't buy into that. I don't even know you, personally, but I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW you are far too good of a person to take his blame.

Hang in there, gal.
Hugs!!!

Alongtimegone

Thanks for the hugs. I sure need them. I am starting to accept just how beaten down I have become with all this.
One of the hardest things to deal with is believing that all of this has been done deliberately, to pay me back for not being/giving/doing what he wanted when he wanted it.

zoomer

I'm glad I read this post. I keep telling my self, I made my bed and now i have to except it. ugh, I'm confused! I must add too that I have to own up to my behavor. What got me though a lot of things is all people have rights even the addict. You cannot control them and their actions. I would like my husband to move up the ladder in work wize, he is where he is and I can't change that. I looked forward to a life of going forward moving up and he is just a man that hates changes or maybe fears them. My children now have my heart and it's hard to deal with the boys. It's to the point where I'm not happy with the way i'm treated. I have broke my ass for them and still it is not enough or is denied I ever did anything for them. We are tot he point that we are low on funds and it cost several hundren dollares to have them here even just for a few days. Never do they help around the house "because they are on vacation" and if they do we have to pay them. I Love my boys so much, but I'm tired of all the fuss and so is my husband although I live off of guilt because he has done so much for my kids. It's like I owe everyone. it's like exscuse me while I brush off the dirk kicked in my face while you knocked me emotionally down, so i can do your comands. I thought really though that I was doingood and right, but I guess not. I'm in a bad space!
Zoomer