How would you react?
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
How would you react?
The alcoholic comes home late and he is drunk, too drunk in fact to get the key into the front door lock. After several futile attempts, he decides that it is a lost cause. Since he does not want anyone in the house to know that he is too drunk to unlock his own door, he makes a brilliant decision that solves his problem. He goes to sleep in the front yard!
The Rescuer
The "rescuer" doesn't let the incident become a "problem." Since she has been waiting up for him anyway, she goes out in the yard, gets the alcoholic up, cleans him up, and puts him into bed. That way the neighbors never see him passed out in the flower bed!
She never mentions the incident to him or anybody else. If anyone else mentions it, she denies there is a problem. She lies for him, covers up for his mistakes, and protects him from the world.
As the problems increase and his drinking gets worse, she takes on responsibilites that were once his. She may get a job or work extra hours to pay the bills. And if he gets in trouble with the law, she will move heaven and earth to come up with his bail.
The Provoker
The "provoker" reacts by punishing the drunk for his actions. She either waits for him to wake up the next morning and gives it to him with both barrels, or she goes out and turns the water sprinklers on!
She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all her friends he's a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn't speak to him. She threatens to leave.
She doesn't let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future arguments -- even months or years later.
The Martyr
The "martyr" is ashamed of the alcoholic's behavoir and she lets him know it by her actions or words. She cries and tells him, "You've embarrassed us again in front of the whole neighborhood!"
She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.
Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel quilty for his behavoir.
Just asking...
JT
The Rescuer
The "rescuer" doesn't let the incident become a "problem." Since she has been waiting up for him anyway, she goes out in the yard, gets the alcoholic up, cleans him up, and puts him into bed. That way the neighbors never see him passed out in the flower bed!
She never mentions the incident to him or anybody else. If anyone else mentions it, she denies there is a problem. She lies for him, covers up for his mistakes, and protects him from the world.
As the problems increase and his drinking gets worse, she takes on responsibilites that were once his. She may get a job or work extra hours to pay the bills. And if he gets in trouble with the law, she will move heaven and earth to come up with his bail.
The Provoker
The "provoker" reacts by punishing the drunk for his actions. She either waits for him to wake up the next morning and gives it to him with both barrels, or she goes out and turns the water sprinklers on!
She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all her friends he's a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn't speak to him. She threatens to leave.
She doesn't let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future arguments -- even months or years later.
The Martyr
The "martyr" is ashamed of the alcoholic's behavoir and she lets him know it by her actions or words. She cries and tells him, "You've embarrassed us again in front of the whole neighborhood!"
She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.
Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel quilty for his behavoir.
Just asking...
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I can remember a time when I would have selected any one of the three. I could have gone out there that night, kicking and screaming just to let him know how pissed off I was. I would carried on until he got his drunk butt up and came into the house, and then I would have given him some more!! The next day - silent treatment, and all sorts of "drama" from me about how bad life was for me. I sacrified all my spending money, did without so many things including essentials, just so that I could cover his drinking binges, and then I resented him for it.
The only problem with acting like that would give me the world's biggest headaches, sore throat, and I gave him complete power over my life. And then there was the embarassment of knowing the neighbors probably heard ME carrying on like a mad woman. I was, at times, probably much "crazier" than his drunken behavior.
I'm happy to say I don't act like that anymore. If he wants to sleep on the lawn, then that's his choice and his consequence to deal with! I don't punish him, I don't yell, and I'm certainly not embarassed! The neighbors have seen some his behavior, and they've mentioned it to me, and I respond simply by saying, "Well we're all adults free to be who we want!" It's not my behavior, no reason for me to be embarassed anymore. I protect myself financially. I make sure my essentials are covered, and I have my share of "play money."
It's not easy to change, but it's necessary. It's up to us, not them. Our happiness and sanity is our responsibility. It's not about him anymore, it's all about me.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
The only problem with acting like that would give me the world's biggest headaches, sore throat, and I gave him complete power over my life. And then there was the embarassment of knowing the neighbors probably heard ME carrying on like a mad woman. I was, at times, probably much "crazier" than his drunken behavior.
I'm happy to say I don't act like that anymore. If he wants to sleep on the lawn, then that's his choice and his consequence to deal with! I don't punish him, I don't yell, and I'm certainly not embarassed! The neighbors have seen some his behavior, and they've mentioned it to me, and I respond simply by saying, "Well we're all adults free to be who we want!" It's not my behavior, no reason for me to be embarassed anymore. I protect myself financially. I make sure my essentials are covered, and I have my share of "play money."
It's not easy to change, but it's necessary. It's up to us, not them. Our happiness and sanity is our responsibility. It's not about him anymore, it's all about me.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
That sort of reminded me of this, it's on arguing styles:
Which style are you?
Here are some of the most common styles of arguing. Perhaps you'll recognise yourself in some of them.
The peacemaker - you don't like arguments and see it as your responsibility to cool things down and sort things out as soon as possible, even if this means ignoring your personal needs or not having your opinions heard.
The defensive attacker - you believe that the faster you act, the better. You're highly attuned to possible disagreements and will lay down the law or issue threats to prevent a full-scale battle. It often doesn't work, and even when it does you're left wondering if perhaps you went over the top.
The subtle striker - you're tactical and persistent in making your feelings known. You don't like full-on attacks, preferring to wait for your partner to notice something's wrong. You may use silence, nag, moan or just go on and on about it. You often get there eventually, but it's a slow and exhausting process.
The full-on foe - you've probably had to fight for your rights all your life and will always give as good as you get. Although you look tough, you're probably terrified of getting hurt and find every disagreement a painful experience.
The shock-absorber - you're afraid of arguments and will do anything to avoid getting into one. Rather than defend your rights or attempt to put across your point of view, you sit quietly waiting for the storm to pass. But inside, anger and resentment may be building.
The negotiator - you genuinely want to find a peaceful solution to problems without anyone getting hurt. You listen calmly to your partner's viewpoint and are confident when sharing your own. You want the best possible outcome for your relationship and, in your experience, consideration and compromise are the best way to achieve this.
Obviously this last style is the one we're all aiming to adopt. Conflict is natural within a relationship to a certain degree, but it should be constructive not destructive. For more on how to resolve conflict, have a look at Ways to make peace.
Couples who don't argue
Some couples don't argue. They never have. The fear of conflict is so great for either one, or both, that they withdraw from anything that has even a vague whiff of confrontation.
To outsiders this might appear to be a perfect relationship, but danger can lurk beneath the calm surface. Differences tend to be repressed or ignored because there's no mechanism to handle disagreements.
The danger is that resentments will build until one person just leaves the relationship. Avoiding confrontation can actually cause the abandonment that's most feared.
Here are some of the most common styles of arguing. Perhaps you'll recognise yourself in some of them.
The peacemaker - you don't like arguments and see it as your responsibility to cool things down and sort things out as soon as possible, even if this means ignoring your personal needs or not having your opinions heard.
The defensive attacker - you believe that the faster you act, the better. You're highly attuned to possible disagreements and will lay down the law or issue threats to prevent a full-scale battle. It often doesn't work, and even when it does you're left wondering if perhaps you went over the top.
The subtle striker - you're tactical and persistent in making your feelings known. You don't like full-on attacks, preferring to wait for your partner to notice something's wrong. You may use silence, nag, moan or just go on and on about it. You often get there eventually, but it's a slow and exhausting process.
The full-on foe - you've probably had to fight for your rights all your life and will always give as good as you get. Although you look tough, you're probably terrified of getting hurt and find every disagreement a painful experience.
The shock-absorber - you're afraid of arguments and will do anything to avoid getting into one. Rather than defend your rights or attempt to put across your point of view, you sit quietly waiting for the storm to pass. But inside, anger and resentment may be building.
The negotiator - you genuinely want to find a peaceful solution to problems without anyone getting hurt. You listen calmly to your partner's viewpoint and are confident when sharing your own. You want the best possible outcome for your relationship and, in your experience, consideration and compromise are the best way to achieve this.
Obviously this last style is the one we're all aiming to adopt. Conflict is natural within a relationship to a certain degree, but it should be constructive not destructive. For more on how to resolve conflict, have a look at Ways to make peace.
Couples who don't argue
Some couples don't argue. They never have. The fear of conflict is so great for either one, or both, that they withdraw from anything that has even a vague whiff of confrontation.
To outsiders this might appear to be a perfect relationship, but danger can lurk beneath the calm surface. Differences tend to be repressed or ignored because there's no mechanism to handle disagreements.
The danger is that resentments will build until one person just leaves the relationship. Avoiding confrontation can actually cause the abandonment that's most feared.
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
I would first be the rescuer: Bring him in, clean him up, put him to bed, then be the provoker underhandedly by drawing all over his body with black perminent marker and turning off the hot water so when he takes a shower he thinks it's just gone. Never provoking him with his knowledge of my doing the provoking, (for example when he was stealing my medicine and I changed it with laxatives) then I would be the martyr by feeling bad and sulking the rest of the day about his drinking, my reaction and our dysfuctional marriage. All three rolled in one, but I always feel better when I can provoke without anyone knowing it was me...my my am I sick!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Chardon, Ohio
Posts: 13
Good post! Two months ago, I probably would have done all three; this month, I'm doing far better. It's so hard to let go of how we thought we should handle it all, but we do make progress. Equus' post on arguing styles was good, too. I see myself as the peacemaker, as I was brought up that way. To this day, the biblical 'blessed are the peacemakers' is my favorite quote, and one I've strived to live by. The past couple years with him, I turned into 'the shock absorber'...I never knew where he was coming from, or setting him off. I see now how I've let my feelings get neglected and they turned into anger and resentment.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
I would most definitely be The Provoker first and foremost, and then I would Rescue him by dragging him in the house to prevent any of the neighbors from seeing him, and then I'd lay into him some more until he passed out.
But I'm hoping to change that behavior....SOON.
But I'm hoping to change that behavior....SOON.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
This post made me smile. My MIL actually did allow her husband to sleep in the grass and then turned the hose on him in the morning. This is a story that's been told over 30 years and gives everyone a good laugh. My FIL even thought it was funny. Then and through the years, even after she passed away. He called her a tough old girl.
Then she'd call him an SOB for being so drunk.
As to myself, I was all of the above. So we need to include a "D" for "All of the above".
Equus...I was the peacemaker. Horribly painful for my heart and spirit.
Faith...your response was the one that gave me my laugh for the day. Brilliant!!! Permanent marker and no hot water. I used to fry eggs for breakfast the day after. The smell made him puke.
Memories!!! Glad I can laugh now.
Then she'd call him an SOB for being so drunk.
As to myself, I was all of the above. So we need to include a "D" for "All of the above".
Equus...I was the peacemaker. Horribly painful for my heart and spirit.
Faith...your response was the one that gave me my laugh for the day. Brilliant!!! Permanent marker and no hot water. I used to fry eggs for breakfast the day after. The smell made him puke.
Memories!!! Glad I can laugh now.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I was The Provoker on JT's list and I was the Full-on Foe on Equus' list. And like Minnie, DreamyGirl, and Ngaire, I'll never share my life with an active alcoholic again. So problem solved here, too.
So, I'll have to say "quaditto" (that's ditto times four).
So, I'll have to say "quaditto" (that's ditto times four).
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I wouldn't do any of them. I would pretend I was asleep and hope that they passed out on the lawn and walk over them and also turn the sprinklers on cause I know they need a shower... as I get into my car to leave in the morning.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
The Al-Anoner
In the morning after showering, dressing and eating breakfast as I would on any other day, I'd leave for work and step around him/her on my way to the car.
Oh, and just as I would on any other day, I'd lock the front door.
Put another way, I'd practice detachment with love. The "with love" part is the part where I resist having a bit of fun with the garden hose...
In the morning after showering, dressing and eating breakfast as I would on any other day, I'd leave for work and step around him/her on my way to the car.
Oh, and just as I would on any other day, I'd lock the front door.
Put another way, I'd practice detachment with love. The "with love" part is the part where I resist having a bit of fun with the garden hose...
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
I was a pretty good rescuer back in the day. 
Something similar happened a few months back. Hubby made it home but passed out in the truck on the driveway with the windows down. I would have left him out there but his teenage daughter was coming home soon and I didn't want her to see him like that so I got him in the house and down in the basement to sleep it off. His daughter knows about his addiction, but the codie in me feels that she doesn't need to be exposed to all the gory details...
Something similar happened a few months back. Hubby made it home but passed out in the truck on the driveway with the windows down. I would have left him out there but his teenage daughter was coming home soon and I didn't want her to see him like that so I got him in the house and down in the basement to sleep it off. His daughter knows about his addiction, but the codie in me feels that she doesn't need to be exposed to all the gory details...
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