amandasue

DH and I are now in our mid thirties raising three kids and just celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. We started out with very clear short and long term goals and when he isn't drinking and we are "good" with each other we get so much accomplished! But the last year or so I have started to feel like the only adult in this house. I feel like the only person who is still working towards those goals! On top of that I feel like not only am I the only one working towards those goals but I feel like I'm dragging him along behind me!
I am so tired. I married to have a partner. I don't need another child!

Maybe its a midlife crisis for him but the last few years I noticed that his personality has changed, even when he wasn't drinking. Its like he's negative all the time. almost paranoid like everyone is out to screw him and he gets all bent out of shape if I don't want to hear a blow by blow everyday of his day but I don't want to get mired down in that negativity. Life isn't going his way and its true, but his pessimism isn't helping things! I think he's pissed cause I have managed to make the best out of a bad situation and he wants a partner to rail at the world with. I tell him to change things if he doesn't like it. to get a hobby or something to de-stress with but he doesn't.
I'm accused of not loving him anymore if I am not all "excited" about the idea of having sex(i'm just tired and my life is full and sex isn't all that exciting anymore) It all sounds like something a petulant child might say and it disgusts me!
then of course he goes and drinks and then the next day starts kissing my butt and expects that if he does the laundry and does some chores around the house and lights some candles that all will be well, yet what I really want is for him to admit he has a drinking problem and agree to get help, not frickin candles!
And I do know that I am a Bi*** alot of the time. I have never been a door mat type and I am uncomfortable in that roll. I don't have it in me to be the dupe. I feel as though we are in a power struggle for who gets to be the boss in this house and he's not caving and neither am I.
I have told him but he obviously doesn't believe me, but after the broken promises and lies and fights the love I had for him is slowly being killed off , never to be found and replaced again! He is playing a dangerous game by acting like this because one of these days I expect to wake up and realize that ALL the love is gone and then I will have to leave.
What a terrible epidemic alcoholism is!

labbylover01

I know how you feel and ther is really nothing we can do. Im in a situation similar to yours and If I had the balls id leave him. Sometimes I feel its not worth it and its a battle every day. Even if you get along for a few days you know the weekend is coming and they will drink and act like asses and push us away even more.
Im to the point that I almost dont even like him anymore never mind have sex!!
I think some relationships can be worked out and some just cant. There comes a point that we just get tired of all the BS that comes with it.
I just do my own thing and try to stay away when hes drinking.
And you are so right alcoholism is terrible...

FaithChaser

Amandasue,

I totally understand where you are coming from, same here. Only mine never touches me I complained for a long time but now I don't even care if he does or not. I remember what we used to be like, we'd go camping, go boating, and just have fun hanging out with each other. That person is long gone and I still want to do things and enjoy life and I'm here alone with a child in an adult's body. I wanted children and never got to experience that, hard to have children in a sexless marriage, besides he wanted to BE the child not have one. There are no goals here, just when is the next party, next drink etc. I muddle through and have been doing my best to just enjoy life without a partner for now. I ride my horse, play with my dogs, decorate my home, study the bible, and enjoy great freindships. My life is full even without the perfect relationship and children I always dreamed of. I had to laugh when I read the thing about your ah doing small chores and thinking that he moved a mountain and deserves to have what he wants. Mine will do the same thing after a night of being a total jerk, trying to earn his forgivness, never really saying sorry, and he'll even try to get romantic. The thought sickens me right now and I know after last night when he ripped me to shreds he's going to try. At least I'm seeing the pattern and learning by coming here and reading.

Thanks for the line of posting
Hugs,
~FaithChaser

JT

That negativity is a tough one. I struggle with it too and have found that if I ignore the "railing agianst the world" he shuts up a lot quicker than when I try to convince him otherwise. Ward drinks but he is a good responsible man in all other ways. Personally I don't think his drinking is what makes him see the world as a battle he is fighting. I know that before I began recovery my view of life was not as positive as it is now.

I have learned that this is simply something about him that I will never be able to change and I don't have to participate in it. I have to put a lot of effort into not getting caught up in it.

Oh! and I suspect I annoy him as much as he annoys me in this area. I see him shaking his head every now and then like I am the one who just doesn't get it. I see sweet justice in that!

JT