Moving through the grief process
 

Exabf called tonight, it really caught me off guard, but I didn't answer my phone!! :wiggle: Not sure why he would call. I'm sure it was because he was drunk, as it is 2:30 am where he is at. :rolleyes: Maybe I'm slowly getting a little better...who knows?? It just rips my heart out to know he is calling, and that I cannot take his calls.

On the otherhand though, I think I'm going through another stage of grief. I think I have possibly come to terms with that fact that the old person I once knew is now gone. Somehow, my thinking has really changed, in the sense that I don't think about him as one person; I now think of him as the "person that I once knew." I don't like the person he has become, I don't want to be with that person; the disease has taken him away from me, and now when I think of him, I only think of the sober guy that was once kind, loving and gentle. I don't think of him as he is today; only of the way he used to be. I know in my head as well as my heart, that I could never have with him now, what we had together when he was sober. Maybe in talking with him recently has helped me to see the way he truly is now. Like someone in AA said.."It's not him that acts that way, it's his disease."

Maybe this stage is acceptance, although I'm afraid that maybe tomorrow, or maybe next week I will start missing him again, and be back to the sadness part of the grief stage; that stage I hate!!

I hate this disease...I really do.....

I can relate to everything you have said. Those constant phone calls at all hours, wanting to pick up the phone but knowing it would be pointless and you would end up right back at zero again.

I haven't heard from my exabf for over a year now and although I think of him from time to time - because he was larger than life and so very interesting and entertaining, I am glad that it is over and done with.

I have a new love in my life now and what a difference it makes to know that the man really loves me, looks after me, would move heaven and earth for me and who takes all my problems as his problems.

The contrast between my ex and my new man is like chalk and cheese. I love and respect my new love and it is a healthy love relationship. Like a breathe of fresh air compared to my old life.

So keep going and leave the past behind you.... it just gets better!

Savana
I can only speak from my own experience. It has been a year since my ex boyfriend went into treatment. He just past one year of sobriety. For that, I am thankful. We are not together, and I have been lucky enough to have met a wonderful man recently who is very supportive.

Yet, a year later, I am reliving every piece of the pain and hell that I went through for 4 years: the fighting, the days I came home to a dark house and a drunken man in the middle of the day, the enabling - god, the enabling, crying alone, the seizure that should have scared him, but didn't, the final hospital visit, the detox, recovery, and the continual phone calls. I don't usually answer - we play the message game - but his messages always have a tone, I can still hear the blame in his voice, no matter how well he's doing.

I figured out that I am waiting for the apology that will never come. And I'm waiting for him to tell me it's okay to go on with my life, which will also never come. When I can accept those 2 truths, my own recovery will be complete. Or maybe truly starting.

Savana, I can only echo what everyone else says. Life will go on; you will have good days and not so good days. Forgive yourself. And love yourself.

((savanah)) no words of wisdom - keep up the good work - time and recovery will heal!

Sounds like some real progress there....I know you can do it....
Love, Patty

The proof of my growth is measured by the actions I now take. What a great action to take by *not* answering the phone.

Sometimes, not doing something is doing something great!

Thanks everyone!

Gianna-I don't think thats morbid at all, actually a very good way to look at it. I mean it is like they're gone as far as their mind is concerned; although the only thing that remains is their "shell."