Here again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 4
Here again
Hi,
It has just become obvious to me that my husband has a problem. My father and my last boyfriend of 6 years were addicts and after a lot of therapy and help and coaching, I thought I had broken away from that type of person. I've known my husband for years and it has just became obvious to me that he has a problem.
I am beside myself that I am here again and I'm looking for support of any type to help me get my bearings again. This looks like a loving place so I thought I would stop by and look for help.
blessings
It has just become obvious to me that my husband has a problem. My father and my last boyfriend of 6 years were addicts and after a lot of therapy and help and coaching, I thought I had broken away from that type of person. I've known my husband for years and it has just became obvious to me that he has a problem.
I am beside myself that I am here again and I'm looking for support of any type to help me get my bearings again. This looks like a loving place so I thought I would stop by and look for help.
blessings
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Welcome!You've come to the right place! I'm sure more will wade in but here are the basics:
1. Come back and do so often! There's much wisdom and support on this board.
2. Al-anon! Find your local group and attend regularly.
Just 1+2 will be invaluable to you!
3. Read all you can about this disease.
4. Know this: You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it!
Keep coming back, and again, WELCOME!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 4
Thanks,
Just feeling a lot of dispair at the moment, which makes sense. I will stop by often! I appreciate your kindness and the speed of which it came
.
He will freak if I start attending Alnon meetings. He doesn't think he has that much of a problem. It will make our lives hell.
blessings!
Just feeling a lot of dispair at the moment, which makes sense. I will stop by often! I appreciate your kindness and the speed of which it came
.He will freak if I start attending Alnon meetings. He doesn't think he has that much of a problem. It will make our lives hell.
blessings!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Welcome Letmebe!!
I read this and couldn't help but know exactly how that feels. I remember when I first started going to Al-anon, it started mini-wars between my husband and I. He was angry and bitter, and took it very personally. I didn't know what to say to make it better, so I just left him alone. He made digs about all my "stupid" books, and used to tell me, "Well I may be a drunk, but at least I'm fun and I don't waste my life living in books!!" Those things hurt, but I've come to understand that it was just his way of dealing with the changes I was going through.
After sticking with it for over 6 months, it has made our life heaven (no more hell, thankfully!). I'm in a much better place, higher self-esteem, and I'm learning more and more about being an independent person in a very-committed relationship. My husband's still drinking, and he has moments were he bumps into the truth, "I need help b/c I really can't control my drinking." But with Al-anon, I've learned to let his drinking be his problem.
Keep coming back, and definetely post whenever you feel like talking! We're here because we understand!
Blessings to you,
Shannon
He will freak if I start attending Alnon meetings. He doesn't think he has that much of a problem. It will make our lives hell.
After sticking with it for over 6 months, it has made our life heaven (no more hell, thankfully!). I'm in a much better place, higher self-esteem, and I'm learning more and more about being an independent person in a very-committed relationship. My husband's still drinking, and he has moments were he bumps into the truth, "I need help b/c I really can't control my drinking." But with Al-anon, I've learned to let his drinking be his problem.
Keep coming back, and definetely post whenever you feel like talking! We're here because we understand!
Blessings to you,
Shannon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 4
Shannon,
Thank you so much for your posting. It is truely a gift. I will do as you say and stop by often. It is good to hear you say you are independent and highly committed. It is what I am hoping for. He is very loving in a lot of ways, in most ways.
We have been married a little over 2 years and I was single for 10 years before I married again. I am very independent but have been trying to learn to be a "partner" again. My independence has caused problems in our relationship and now that I am learning to be a partner...this. It makes me wonder if it is what he was working towards.
Thank you again.
blessings,
Thank you so much for your posting. It is truely a gift. I will do as you say and stop by often. It is good to hear you say you are independent and highly committed. It is what I am hoping for. He is very loving in a lot of ways, in most ways.
We have been married a little over 2 years and I was single for 10 years before I married again. I am very independent but have been trying to learn to be a "partner" again. My independence has caused problems in our relationship and now that I am learning to be a partner...this. It makes me wonder if it is what he was working towards.
Thank you again.
blessings,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
going to al-anon is NOT for him, it's for you. for you to learn the tools to become more focused on your life and how you want to and should live it. alcoholism is a progressive disease. read all you can!
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
I dont seek permission to attend a support group, especially from an ill person. You must give up the "What he will think" outlook if you want to find relief from alcoholism.
If he doesnt like it,,let him not like it.
Signed,
Former people pleaser, secret-holder, fear-based woman with no identity.
If he doesnt like it,,let him not like it.
Signed,
Former people pleaser, secret-holder, fear-based woman with no identity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 4
I know it is for me and not him but honestly I am torn between pretending everything is okay to keep peace here while slowly building a new life for myself "behind his back". I'm kidding myself when I say how loving he is. He doesn't listen to me and shows little interest in my life or activities. He does what he wants without sharing his plans with me. It hurts a lot to be involved with him.
I still own my own home separate from the one we have together. Leaving wouldn't be hard from that perspective.
I'm just experiencing an immense amount of grief right now realizing the situation I am in and being beside myself that I am here again. I know better than to make decisions when I am this upset. I know once I am past this grief my head will clear. I know I need to let it run its course and feeling this way makes perfect sense. I'm guess what I am trying to do is get through this realization with grace and kindness.
It helps a lot to have you all to talk with.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I still own my own home separate from the one we have together. Leaving wouldn't be hard from that perspective.
I'm just experiencing an immense amount of grief right now realizing the situation I am in and being beside myself that I am here again. I know better than to make decisions when I am this upset. I know once I am past this grief my head will clear. I know I need to let it run its course and feeling this way makes perfect sense. I'm guess what I am trying to do is get through this realization with grace and kindness.
It helps a lot to have you all to talk with.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Letmebe,
One of the best gifts I gave myself, when I first started Al-anon, was that I focused COMPLETELY and ENTIRELY on me. I was such an emotional wreck that I knew without a doubt I was useless to my marriage. I figured that I had to get myself fixed before I could even think about what to do with my marriage. It really saved my life.
I can't tell you how it happened or when it happened... but somewhere along the line, our marriage started getting better. Mostly because in taking care of me, I got better, and was happier, more confident... and most of all, because I was no longer focused on my husband, what he was (or wasn't doing), and all that other good stuff. He was free to be him, and that included keep drinking and making his own choices and mistakes! I was no longer right in the midst of his drama, and that left him to own his "stuff."
I don't know what's waiting for us down the road. Right now we're together, and I can accept the alcoholic behaviors as they are right now. I do my best to not focus on the what ifs, because there are so many variables that it would be impossible for me to know the future. So, in the meantime, I focus on taking care of me. Loving me, and making sure that I'm as happy and peaceful as I can be. It really works if you work it.
Thinking of you!
Shannon
One of the best gifts I gave myself, when I first started Al-anon, was that I focused COMPLETELY and ENTIRELY on me. I was such an emotional wreck that I knew without a doubt I was useless to my marriage. I figured that I had to get myself fixed before I could even think about what to do with my marriage. It really saved my life.
I can't tell you how it happened or when it happened... but somewhere along the line, our marriage started getting better. Mostly because in taking care of me, I got better, and was happier, more confident... and most of all, because I was no longer focused on my husband, what he was (or wasn't doing), and all that other good stuff. He was free to be him, and that included keep drinking and making his own choices and mistakes! I was no longer right in the midst of his drama, and that left him to own his "stuff."
I don't know what's waiting for us down the road. Right now we're together, and I can accept the alcoholic behaviors as they are right now. I do my best to not focus on the what ifs, because there are so many variables that it would be impossible for me to know the future. So, in the meantime, I focus on taking care of me. Loving me, and making sure that I'm as happy and peaceful as I can be. It really works if you work it.
Thinking of you!
Shannon
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