My son's disappointment
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
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My son's disappointment
My son, J, (13) finally gets the courage to write his father an email 2 months after his choice to end contact with him. He wanted to tell him that his fathers rage has him scared of him.
His email was to the point, but very kind and loving. Told him the things he did that made him afraid, how much he loved him and that he was the "world's best daddy". Said he wanted to have email communication with him and would check his email more frequently to make sure he gets his dad's emails. I thought the email was great, thought he said what he meant, meant what he said and said it with love and honesty.
His father never responded.
J was disappointed. At 13, he "expected" some kind of acknowledgement, hoping his father would "see the light" and come to his senses. I tried to tell him not to get his hopes up. That probably wouldnt happen, but at least he found courage to say what he felt to him. Thats what matters.
I called my ex, said he got it, said said it ripped his heart out to see it and he wanted both of us out of his life forever.
Boy, does alcoholism create vile, brutal, destructive thoughts in people. Destroys love, friendships, trust.
I wont tell my son what his father said. I;ll try to continue to tell him that he is sick, needs our prayers and that his higher power can do more for him, and us, than we can.
His email was to the point, but very kind and loving. Told him the things he did that made him afraid, how much he loved him and that he was the "world's best daddy". Said he wanted to have email communication with him and would check his email more frequently to make sure he gets his dad's emails. I thought the email was great, thought he said what he meant, meant what he said and said it with love and honesty.
His father never responded.
J was disappointed. At 13, he "expected" some kind of acknowledgement, hoping his father would "see the light" and come to his senses. I tried to tell him not to get his hopes up. That probably wouldnt happen, but at least he found courage to say what he felt to him. Thats what matters.
I called my ex, said he got it, said said it ripped his heart out to see it and he wanted both of us out of his life forever.
Boy, does alcoholism create vile, brutal, destructive thoughts in people. Destroys love, friendships, trust.
I wont tell my son what his father said. I;ll try to continue to tell him that he is sick, needs our prayers and that his higher power can do more for him, and us, than we can.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
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yes like CW said he's got a good example, a mom who is in recovery and he has that and the wonderful resources available to kids today in alateen so those are 2 good strongholds. It still hurts though for him and for you i'm sure to see him hurt. Hang on and remember what you told him. Things may change and they may not but you will always have HP, eachother, support places, and us :-)
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
FOB, that is terrible
Hits home with me. The father of my older two kids has nothing to do with our children, our daughter 16, and our son 12.
I tried to call him and say look we were divorced not the kids. I gave up after so long, knowing that he will allways have excuses why he will not participate in our kids lives.
He would show up ever couple of years, with excuses. Well he has not showed up in almost 2 years again, and I think it is worse on my kids to show up at all then every two years. I never stopped my kids from calling him, or stopped them from seeing him, my kids know this. When they asked to call I would let them and after no return calls they eventually stopped trying, then the ass would show up and I would have to pick up the pieces again. Vicious circle, but I want my kids to know, I am not stopping him from seeing them. A hard lesson for my kids to learn, I just dont know what to say, except I love them dearly. I guess I dont want them to get older and say, you stopped us from having a relationship with our father, we lost bla, bla, bla years.
Picking up the pieces has been quite heartbreaking, they are going to have tons of questions when they are older, I hope he is alive to have some kind of closure with my children one day. How do you ever accept the fact that your own father is rejecting you. My ex never really drank much, I would not consider him an alcoholic, just a uncaring, incensitive *******. I do keep that opinion to myself, also for my kids sake, after all it is there father and I want them to base there own opinions on what they see, not my words. Believe you me, I would like to scream and shake him and call him every name in the book, but it would change nothing.
Hits home with me. The father of my older two kids has nothing to do with our children, our daughter 16, and our son 12.
I tried to call him and say look we were divorced not the kids. I gave up after so long, knowing that he will allways have excuses why he will not participate in our kids lives.
He would show up ever couple of years, with excuses. Well he has not showed up in almost 2 years again, and I think it is worse on my kids to show up at all then every two years. I never stopped my kids from calling him, or stopped them from seeing him, my kids know this. When they asked to call I would let them and after no return calls they eventually stopped trying, then the ass would show up and I would have to pick up the pieces again. Vicious circle, but I want my kids to know, I am not stopping him from seeing them. A hard lesson for my kids to learn, I just dont know what to say, except I love them dearly. I guess I dont want them to get older and say, you stopped us from having a relationship with our father, we lost bla, bla, bla years.
Picking up the pieces has been quite heartbreaking, they are going to have tons of questions when they are older, I hope he is alive to have some kind of closure with my children one day. How do you ever accept the fact that your own father is rejecting you. My ex never really drank much, I would not consider him an alcoholic, just a uncaring, incensitive *******. I do keep that opinion to myself, also for my kids sake, after all it is there father and I want them to base there own opinions on what they see, not my words. Believe you me, I would like to scream and shake him and call him every name in the book, but it would change nothing.
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Originally Posted by cloudy
you will always have HP, eachother, support places, and us :-)
......and this makes me extremely lucky and grateful.
Thank you all for your continued support.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
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How heartbreaking this is for you....you are right to protect your son from his fathers crushing words...one day, may he be well and correct some of the damage....
(((FOB))) (((FOB's son)))
Love, Patty
(((FOB))) (((FOB's son)))
Love, Patty
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: QVB NYC NY
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he's stuck in his muck, fob, and from my experience i think he's running from the things that cause him pain. i tried that myself, doesn't work. i ran and ran, until i figured out that it was me causing the pain.
you're ahead of the game, you got program in your life and a support group, use them to the max. as for j, i feel horrible for him. but you're doing the right thing.
know you guys always have a friend up north and feel free to call on me anytime anywhere!
you're ahead of the game, you got program in your life and a support group, use them to the max. as for j, i feel horrible for him. but you're doing the right thing.
know you guys always have a friend up north and feel free to call on me anytime anywhere!
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I wont tell my son what his father said. I;ll try to continue to tell him that he is sick, needs our prayers and that his higher power can do more for him, and us, than we can.
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Originally Posted by ****_OReiley
know you guys always have a friend up north and feel free to call on me anytime anywhere!
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Thanks AB.....I do indeed love my boy....as his father does, deep inside him, in the one special place his alcoholism cannot get to. His heart.
His father used to always, always say to me "I love my boy!!" with such devotion, admiration for his kid. I mean,,,when he was sober, he just talked with glee about how happy his son made him. Even recently, in July, he gushed about him to me, on one special day that we were communicating. He revered our boy......but his mind stuck in anger, shame, fear and resentment now......and I am powerless.
His father used to always, always say to me "I love my boy!!" with such devotion, admiration for his kid. I mean,,,when he was sober, he just talked with glee about how happy his son made him. Even recently, in July, he gushed about him to me, on one special day that we were communicating. He revered our boy......but his mind stuck in anger, shame, fear and resentment now......and I am powerless.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
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(((FoB and son))) I am so very sorry; this is what tears me up in our family,too. I am so glad you have each other; and lots of prayers going your way from your friends here; though we have never met, please know you are in my heart and thoughts, and many others here, I am sure!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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J did the right thing, and it's sad that his dad is too sick to accept his son's honest expression of his feelings (for today). I guess if he's unable to accept his own feelings, how could he be expected to accept someone else's, especially when they're about him?
As you know, anger is just a cover for fear. Anger keeps others away from our vulnerable places so we can't be hurt. The sad paradox is that it also keeps the love away, and that's the disease at work. I know because I lived this way for many years, and the pain never subsided until I took the risk and let my guard down. If only I'd known that it had been safe to do so all along.
You see, I never needed to "protect" myself from anything. I had a Higher Power there "protecting" me the whole time. I just didn't know it (or didn't trust it. I still haven't worked that out entirely...).
My guess is he'll come around in time, and we all know who's time that is. It certainly ain't ours...
As you know, anger is just a cover for fear. Anger keeps others away from our vulnerable places so we can't be hurt. The sad paradox is that it also keeps the love away, and that's the disease at work. I know because I lived this way for many years, and the pain never subsided until I took the risk and let my guard down. If only I'd known that it had been safe to do so all along.
You see, I never needed to "protect" myself from anything. I had a Higher Power there "protecting" me the whole time. I just didn't know it (or didn't trust it. I still haven't worked that out entirely...).
My guess is he'll come around in time, and we all know who's time that is. It certainly ain't ours...
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
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Fob,
Your strength is amazing to me. We are all powerless over others, but your power shows when you knew exactly how to handle the situation, with a kind good heart always keeping your child first. He's blessed to have you as his mother.
Big hugs and many prayers,
~FaithChaser
Your strength is amazing to me. We are all powerless over others, but your power shows when you knew exactly how to handle the situation, with a kind good heart always keeping your child first. He's blessed to have you as his mother.
Big hugs and many prayers,
~FaithChaser
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
((((FoB & J))))
What a selfish SOB!!! My ex has a son the same age with who he professes to have a wonderful relationship. That is the height of delusion - he barely sees him, he lies to him, offers him no emotional support and all the rest. My heart breaks for all the kids who have to deal with this.
J's acting like the adult in all of this and you can rightly be proud, both of him and your own recovery.
Minnie
xxx
What a selfish SOB!!! My ex has a son the same age with who he professes to have a wonderful relationship. That is the height of delusion - he barely sees him, he lies to him, offers him no emotional support and all the rest. My heart breaks for all the kids who have to deal with this.
J's acting like the adult in all of this and you can rightly be proud, both of him and your own recovery.
Minnie
xxx
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Thanks again, my friends, for your kind words.
SOmething "odd" happened about and hour and a half after he said what he said. I had an overwhelming desire to call him and tell him J and I love him.
I was emotional, of course, but it was not filled with anger or hate, but just supreme sadness at how distorted his mind is. I had alot of compassion...could it be I am in a state of total detachment? Holy cow..woulda thought its possible?
God could. It was my HP that had me call....and yes, I did call...left a vm saying J and I loved him very much. Hung up. God's will is magical.
SOmething "odd" happened about and hour and a half after he said what he said. I had an overwhelming desire to call him and tell him J and I love him.
I was emotional, of course, but it was not filled with anger or hate, but just supreme sadness at how distorted his mind is. I had alot of compassion...could it be I am in a state of total detachment? Holy cow..woulda thought its possible?
God could. It was my HP that had me call....and yes, I did call...left a vm saying J and I loved him very much. Hung up. God's will is magical.
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