Confession...I still am enabling him!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: La-La-Land
Posts: 50
Confession...I still am enabling him!!
As much as it pains me.. I have to admit that I still enable my AH and I have not let him take care of himself. I know from recent threads that many people here have different views on what we should and should not do for our A. Here is my story in a nut shell- not saying this is the right way to do things- just how I chose to do things. I chose to not put up with him anymore- after a nightmare in my view. We have been separated for 6 months after 10 years together- 6 married. I asked him to leave out of anger and pain. Trying to protect my kids the way I felt was right. He had moved out 3 times previously but for only 2 weeks each time. This time I told him to get an apartment and he did. He's been on his own but barely getting by.
OK to the part I confess- Through this process we have gone to court and I have sole custody of the kids and he gets them 1 day a week for 2 hours and 1 day on the weekend. He does not have overnights. I also have child support that comes directly from his pay into my account. The amount was based off of our weekly incomes. We both make the same amount so we split the costs 50/50.
Here is the problem- he loses half his paycheck a week to the child support/ daycare costs. And because of this he is always broke- or so he says. I feel so bad b/c he does make a lot of money and he doesn't get much. So I have tried to help him out... here's where I know I shouldn't. I have the house so I pay the mortgage. In addition I pay ALL of our credit cards, his life insurance, the car insurance and half the car- he has the car- not me!!! So he has NO bills except the apartment and whatever he needs for electric and such. But nothing else. I added up his bills and he should be OK. Of course he doesn't have a lot at the end of the month but he should get by.
Well, turns out he has not paid his half of the car for the past 2 months!!! We both have company cars so this is just an extra car we had- a REALLY expensive SUV we leased together. He needed the SUV when he was fired from his job 6 months ago and lost his last company car until his new company gave him a car- 2 months ago! So now he claims he wants to hold onto the SUV for when the kids are around but he is not paying the bill. Meanwhile I am paying for half the car and the car insurance- comes out to almost $400/ month for me!! And I just randomly sent an extra $200 to help bail him out for being late!
So I need to confess, I am allowing him to drive around and enjoy himself at my expense. I should simply accept the court order for support as fair and just and stop feeling bad for the guy. He obviously doesn't feel bad for me! I am so bad, I give him money all the time ( I gave him almost $200 last week to help him pay his rent!), gift cards to go out to eat and such. Meanwhile he blames me for everything. I need to stop! Truth is that he has no clue how to manage his money or pay his bills and I am not helping him by bailing him out- at least that is how I feel!!! God only knows what he is really spending his money on that he can't pay his bills and I really don't care!
Thanks for letting me vent.
OK to the part I confess- Through this process we have gone to court and I have sole custody of the kids and he gets them 1 day a week for 2 hours and 1 day on the weekend. He does not have overnights. I also have child support that comes directly from his pay into my account. The amount was based off of our weekly incomes. We both make the same amount so we split the costs 50/50.
Here is the problem- he loses half his paycheck a week to the child support/ daycare costs. And because of this he is always broke- or so he says. I feel so bad b/c he does make a lot of money and he doesn't get much. So I have tried to help him out... here's where I know I shouldn't. I have the house so I pay the mortgage. In addition I pay ALL of our credit cards, his life insurance, the car insurance and half the car- he has the car- not me!!! So he has NO bills except the apartment and whatever he needs for electric and such. But nothing else. I added up his bills and he should be OK. Of course he doesn't have a lot at the end of the month but he should get by.
Well, turns out he has not paid his half of the car for the past 2 months!!! We both have company cars so this is just an extra car we had- a REALLY expensive SUV we leased together. He needed the SUV when he was fired from his job 6 months ago and lost his last company car until his new company gave him a car- 2 months ago! So now he claims he wants to hold onto the SUV for when the kids are around but he is not paying the bill. Meanwhile I am paying for half the car and the car insurance- comes out to almost $400/ month for me!! And I just randomly sent an extra $200 to help bail him out for being late!
So I need to confess, I am allowing him to drive around and enjoy himself at my expense. I should simply accept the court order for support as fair and just and stop feeling bad for the guy. He obviously doesn't feel bad for me! I am so bad, I give him money all the time ( I gave him almost $200 last week to help him pay his rent!), gift cards to go out to eat and such. Meanwhile he blames me for everything. I need to stop! Truth is that he has no clue how to manage his money or pay his bills and I am not helping him by bailing him out- at least that is how I feel!!! God only knows what he is really spending his money on that he can't pay his bills and I really don't care!
Thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
you have the answer and sometimes just putting into words and venting makes it all the more clear. he needs to "sink or swim" as the old saying goes and deal with the consequences. easier said than done - keep practicing!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi take2,
I think you know what to do at this point. Don't pay his bills. If he can't afford them and he makes the same as you do......then where's the $ going to?
It's time for him to "grow up" like we all have to do before we can live.
Just think of it this way......you're feeling sorry for him and doing things for him is really hurting him more. To really help him, you need to let go and let him fall. We don't have control over them. Only over our actions and decisions. We have choices. It's hard, but in the long run,...it'll help make him stronger.
((hugs))
I think you know what to do at this point. Don't pay his bills. If he can't afford them and he makes the same as you do......then where's the $ going to?
It's time for him to "grow up" like we all have to do before we can live.
Just think of it this way......you're feeling sorry for him and doing things for him is really hurting him more. To really help him, you need to let go and let him fall. We don't have control over them. Only over our actions and decisions. We have choices. It's hard, but in the long run,...it'll help make him stronger.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by Girlfriend
Just think of it this way......you're feeling sorry for him and doing things for him is really hurting him more. To really help him, you need to let go and let him fall. We don't have control over them. Only over our actions and decisions. We have choices. It's hard, but in the long run,...it'll help make him stronger.
((hugs))
I have a hard time letting my A sink..........but it sure hasn't helped him (or me) to let him keep (barely)treading water .........thank you all for this gentle reminder.
Wishing you all a wonderful day.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
When I act in that way it is always...and I do mean always... out of guilt. Somewhere in my life I learned that I was responsible for other people and I have to work very hard to not act on it. All I end up doing is resenting what I am doing and the person I am doing it for. Sound familiar?
JT
JT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
Originally Posted by JT
When I act in that way it is always...and I do mean always... out of guilt. Somewhere in my life I learned that I was responsible for other people and I have to work very hard to not act on it. All I end up doing is resenting what I am doing and the person I am doing it for. Sound familiar?
JT
JT
Not paying his bills would force him to figure things out. Letting go of guilt is rough, but what do you have to feel guilty for???
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
I have found with my x that once I stopped helping him out - like JT said, it was out of guilt - he managed to take care of himself. It was only when I "cut the cord" then he was forced to step up. And he survived without me helping him.
It is hard and I still slip at times, but also like JT said - it will lesson resentments.
It is hard and I still slip at times, but also like JT said - it will lesson resentments.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
take2, it's funny that I should see your post today. I have been having issues with AH concerning financial responsibility. We've always had financial problems because he's horrible at money! What I realized after we'd split up and he got a place of his own was that he is able to pay his own rent, pay his own car payment, and his bills. However, he doesn't pay the ones that are not important to him (such as the medical bills from our children that are in my name because I took them to the hospital when he didn't have insurance but was supposed too). He also does not pay me any set amount in child support as well (and is currently stalling on signing the dissolution papers which keeps the child support from starting).
My point in sharing this with you is that I feel that every person has their own set of priorities. And this also includes financial responsibilities as well. I think it's pretty obvious that your exAH and mine have their priorities lined up slightly different than we do. But really -why should we be surprised? They always were irresponsible - we've just always saved them.
So now you know - and admit - that you are enabling your exah. So the question now becomes - what now?
And remember the saying "Nothing changes if nothing changes".
My point in sharing this with you is that I feel that every person has their own set of priorities. And this also includes financial responsibilities as well. I think it's pretty obvious that your exAH and mine have their priorities lined up slightly different than we do. But really -why should we be surprised? They always were irresponsible - we've just always saved them.
So now you know - and admit - that you are enabling your exah. So the question now becomes - what now?
And remember the saying "Nothing changes if nothing changes".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: La-La-Land
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Wow. I can not thank all of you enough for your responses but more importantly your support. I know I am holding onto to guilt but I really shouldn't. Anyone sane- like all of you- can read my post and say- Hey, wake up and let him take care of himself!! He just gets under my skin and makes me feel guilty about everything. Of course everything is always my fault. Which I don't believe, of course.
I did talk to him for 2 minutes last night to make the arrangements for the kids and I told him that if he can not pay the car and get up to date then I am taking the car back. He said he would- of course and I asked when? He said he'll send them $200 this week- but we still owe $400!!! Then there is always next months payments! No more Mrs. Nice Guy!!! I want the car back!!!
This won't be a problem much longer since I am starting the divorce process and the car will be paid off as part of the agreement from the equity in the home. Until then I felt I should pay somehting toward the car since it is in my name as well but I WILL NOT pay for his insurance!!! Baby steps, right!
I did talk to him for 2 minutes last night to make the arrangements for the kids and I told him that if he can not pay the car and get up to date then I am taking the car back. He said he would- of course and I asked when? He said he'll send them $200 this week- but we still owe $400!!! Then there is always next months payments! No more Mrs. Nice Guy!!! I want the car back!!!
This won't be a problem much longer since I am starting the divorce process and the car will be paid off as part of the agreement from the equity in the home. Until then I felt I should pay somehting toward the car since it is in my name as well but I WILL NOT pay for his insurance!!! Baby steps, right!
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Poconos, PA
Posts: 10
Check with your car insurance company to make sure that they cover DUI accidents incurred by someone living in your home/under your insurance. I recently found out that if someone is sharing your address and gets in a DUI accident involving physical injury to an individual, that the homeowner may be held liable for monetary charges from the victim. Check with your auto insurance agent.
Last edited by Winter; 09-21-2005 at 11:18 PM. Reason: spelling
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Thanks Winter for the advice. I was really worried about this but I think I should be OK? He no longer lives with me- we've been separated for 6 months and he has an apartment but I still worry b/c the car is also in my name. Unfortunately the Leasing company does not care about divorce... they only care about getting paid. That is why the car MUST be paid off as part of the divorce. I want NOTHING to do with it and until then he can destroy my credit. That's where he knows he has me. If he doesn't pay he knows I will so it won't go against my credit. I have really good credit and need it that way to buy him out of the house. I will be happy when this is all over!
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