juliajane

This is probably a question that has come up in this forum many times in the past so I apologize if this is a recent repeat. I am finally at the point where I know I want to break up with my boyfriend. I suppose I should refer to him as my abf but part of me has found that in categorizing him as an abf I hold on to the idea there is something I can blame his faults on and therefore excuse him. He is many things and the 'a' is part of it but not all of it. In fact he has treated me with such a kind heart for the past almost 3 years. I just know the drinking and the merry-go-round issues of his life will not be ending anytime soon and that I know that I cannot obtain the future I want in this situation. In fact, I cannot obtain the present I want in this situation. He has me so trained to look down the road to the 'future' where everything is perfect that I have lost all bearings on where my 'present' is.

I suppose the question I am asking is…for those of you who left your significant other, how did you tell them it was time to go? I am so used to communicating my feelings of hurt and unhappiness but taking no action. I don't live with my bf so technically this should be easier then most situations. However, I feel like the minute I see his face when I am telling him words that we are over I will completely unravel into a million pieces and not be able to follow through with it. I love this man with everything I have inside me but I know I want more then this. How do you get through it? His lack of emotional stability has me petrified to take action. I work in human resources and literally write scripts for managers on how to handle terminations and keep imaging what I would say if he was getting fired - does this seem completely heartless? My wish is to say the words and run for my life but I know it won't be that easy. I guess I have suffered through break-ups before and am trying to avoid the pain…I realize I have to find my own words but feel like hearing from others and how they handled it may shed some light on how I want to do this. Stories welcome!

p.s - I do go to alanon meetings - just wanted to cover that one in advance!

Minx1969

I think that is a good start. This is all about YOU not him..what you want for your life, the type of person you want to be with..

I like the idea of writing it all down before you say it - I've always used that technique in difficult situations..

I would keep the focus on you, your wants your needs your dreams - not on him..

FriendofBill

Imagine this scenario:

Your loved one is standing over the edge of a cliff....daredevil that he is, wants to take a flying leap, its 300 feet below. He reaches out his hand to you, "Come along, we;ll fly!". You say no, you know the danger, that you both will fall to your deaths......

You turn and walk away, to save your own life. Why do you do that?

Because you love yourself and want to live. You come first in the life saving department.

Ending a relationship that will lead to your emotional and mental death is no different. Save yourself. Put the oxygen mask over your face and Tell him with all the love and kindness you would bestow on a sick friend. Wish him well. THen go home and cry....and grieve.

walkingtheline

I agree with Minx.

Tell him the truth about your wants and needs. i.e., He knows what's up in his life, most A's don't notice anyone else's life or needs.

I also suggest having your plan in place. Know where you are going. (or are you asking him to move out?) Have your plan in place and then matter of factly explain it to him...and yes, having an outline or script would certainly help.

GettingBy

Oh man... I must be in a very cynical mood... because I thought you were going to finish that sentence with, "And then you push him." LMAO! I need help.

-Shannon

Sunny08

It is very hard to do. I walked away from my husband 14 months ago due to his drinking. I am now divorced from him. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I will always love him. I try very hard to get on with my life.

FriendofBill

Very powerful first post, Sunny. Im same space as you. You keep on with keeping on your life,,,,,

minnie

I told my ex that I had simply run out of chances.

FormerDoormat

If you hang around this forum long enough, you'll notice that I'm not one to beat around the bush. So my way of conveying that my relationship was over was a bit different than most, but he got the message plain as day:

I picked him up after work and found him in a drunken stupor. I told him I loved him but I couldn't tolerate his drinking one more day. So instead of driving him home, I dropped him off at a hotel and simply drove away.

juliajane

Wow! Thanks for your thoughts formerdormat and to everyone else who responded I sometimes wish I had those 'in your face' moments where you could clearly see the person you were are with is completely wrong for you. The majority of my evidence is the time that I spend here and the time I spend thinking about potentially ending my relationship. I always thought I had a tendancy to push my bfs away but I am beginning to realize i simply pick partners who are in some way or another already gone. I have never left anyone for not meeting my needs except for once when I was about 19 which took me over 3 years to verbalize. I know I need to do this to show myself with action and not words that I deserve something more.

I guess I just have to close my eyes, jump, and see where this takes me....

FriendofBill

Beautiful awareness!

We seem to have a broken "picker". We pick the fruit that is bruised, expecting it to be fresh, then trying to fix it. I think we need to fix ourselves, then we are better able to select top-grade A, fresh fruit!

brdlvr2

Good luck with your decison. I was on and off with my abf for 3 years. We still talk on occassion. The first time I really ended it with him two years ago. He went way downhill. I didn't know any better - wasn't in al anon or had found this site - and kept enabling and rescuing him. So we would break up, I'd feel guilty, take him back, help him out etc for way too long. It is tough and it won't be easy for sure. Just take the advice found here and put the focus on you. I have just started going to al anon - I wish I had found it earlier and stuck with it like you did.

bikewench

aaaah Julia...
I could have written your post...

I can't flat out ask my guy to leave...
I just removed my body... and part of my mind..
and I'm gonna stay here for a bit... till I get my bearings...

I don't know why I think his life and his welfare is so much more important than my own...
why I think he has to be okay before I can be okay...

I am caretaking his feelings all over the place... and of course... that means manipulation to get what I want...

I still can't get the "sick" in it though...
in God's time... I guess....

I have been blessed with so much clarity lately... don't know if I can take any more at the moment...

but... the fact that I put his welfare before my own....
I gotta take a look at that...