Minx1969

First of all..I admit that I am still a little sick to check up on someone I dated 10 years ago but..

it makes me feel better that nothing has really changed..

OK - so today I looked up my exbf (not an alcoholic) that I was with 10 years ago..we moved out to AZ together and he left me for someone he met on an airplane a few weeks before he broke up..By the time he was 30 he lived with 4 women (the last his wife)..I was the 2nd one he lived with..

He was controlling, abusive and manipulative when we were together and really ripped my heart apart when we broke up..(I was 27 and we had plans to get married)..

Anyway, I know he is still in AZ but I haven't seen him in oh 8 years or so??? we don't run with the same crowds so to speak..

His wife just filed for divorce again (it's public record)..

I don't know why but I feel better..it just shows you that people don't REALLY change unless they want to..

Somehow I feel vindicated for all the pain and hurt he caused me..I have made peace years ago (although it took me a good 4 years to get over him) with the fact this was not a good relationship for me..

Today I'm older and wiser and FINALLY dating someone who is not abusive or controlling..

Just had to post..

Minx

Gabe

Minx, now that you know this, I hope you can let it go.
What happened ten years ago is done and gone.
Nothing will change that.
Not the fact that he isn't any better.
Not the fact that he's made a miraculous recovery.
Ghosts of the past only live with us as long as we let them.
Now, what is bright and wonderful about your life TODAY?

StandingStrong

I think that for myself, one of my greatest fears is that AH will become the man that I know he can be and be all of those things with someone else. Perhaps this is one of those reasons you felt the need to look up your old boyfriend as well?
I hope that you'll realize that how he treated YOU is more important though and realize that letting him go is letting go of the old wounds. You deserve much better and sounds that w/ your current man, you've found just that.
Hoping you have found some peace in knowing what you know now about your old bf, but hoping you can let go to enjoy YOUR life!

Minx1969

I have a hard time letting go..I admit..forgiveness is not one of my strong suits..It was a relationship that I had to get closure on my own..very very painful breakup that I didn't want at the time.

I think because I accepted more then my share of blame in most of my relationships (and the breakup was really bad) that yes..it does feel good to be validated that he (or any of them) are still the same..I've gotten some recovery but not enough to let go of all my post..I do truly wish any of my ex's would get help..it makes me sad that they are hurting other people..but it is their life..not mine..

Today - I don't really have any memories good or bad of this relationship except a strong GRATITUDE that we didn't get married..I would have been miserable for sure..Think he was one of the lessons I needed in my life to get me where I am today..

I'm working on letting go of a few other ghosts in my past..not sure how other then working my program..

Cynay

Letting go has got to be the hardest thing to do... well maybe other the letting go of the guilt and forgiving myself as well as them.

I hope that in looking him up and seeing that nothing has changed helps too. I know that I usually have to walk through the fire to get to the other side, and sometimes that means taking the second/third look back.

Take care of you and enjoy what is wonderful in your life today!

minnie

Minx - I think sometimes I need to know the truth, the cold hard facts, to reassure me that my gut feeling is right and that I can rely on it again in the future. I know that I felt the most enormous release last week when I found out the truth about my ex's lies. That information answered questions I didn't even know I had. You know what a funk I was in - well, it's lifted and I have let go.

Savana 54

I have a very hard time letting go too. I can kind of see how that gave you some closure.

I think it would have given me some insight to how sick of a man he really is, and that he is that way to most of his partners.

I know when I was in an abusive relationship, I always thought I was to blame for what was being done to me.

Zoey

I too think it is good to know. Good for you.

brdlvr2

So true for me. The more times I find out "I'm right" then I can begin to trust my intuition.

brdlvr

sunshinebluesky

i think this is so true for most of us women,and not just with a's but anyone it didnt work out with. as someone else said,its important to focus on how the person was with YOU.THEN.
but i sure do understand this completely. this stuff makes you crazy,you start doubting yourself. did i make too much of nothing? do i ask too much? etc etc. in the end it gives you more self cofidence because you learn that your intuition is better than you thought.i hate that ive had to go thru all the crap ive had to go thru, but i am also seeing all i have learned from it.and i feel so much stronger in what i want and dont want next time around!!

CodeMaster

Good success story... now you dating normal and healthy person, do you feel happy or do you ever struggle with boredom in the sense you dont have the craziness going on anymore? I just wondering what it be like if I date totally healthy gal someday.

Zoey

Truthfully I think we miss the drama and chaos.
Recovery from all that takes a lot of time and work, but worth it.
Like the A's sorta, we have to find the want to, and do it for us.

cwohio

i could stand a bit of boredom myself!

Zoey

cwohio...Yes I am sure you need that. I goofed I should have said, I missed it,
and added ,always exceptions.

I was thinking more of living with a SO that has good recovery, some found they had lost their 24 hour job, and found it strange and fearfull to be unemployed, then have to work more on self. Somehow working on self the pay doesn't seem as good. (Strange) Lv Ya

letterqueen

My xabf and I split up 2 years ago after 7 years. He blamed me for many a drinking episode and convinced his family of the same. I *knew* I wasn't responsible.. all the same the rift it left between his family and I was a sad fallout from the insideous disease. I cut off communication a year and a half ago for my own recovery. I heard he obtained a year of sobriety from one of his AA pals I bumped into - something I prayed for every night. Once and a while I check his old DUI case online - hoping to see it remains status quo (probation). My heart sunk a few weeks ago to see he was arrested again for a DUi. 3rd conviction, a felony, no bond (didn't show up for the arraignment).

I guess I could have felt vindicated - no contact in 1.5 years - it would take one helluva story to pin this one on me! But I don't. I could have laughed at the idea that his family thought they could do it better, even after I warned them they were replacing my enabling with more of the same. But I didn't . Seeing his pic online was awful. What happened to the guy I knew?

Only vindication I felt was I did the right thing ending it 2 years ago. He wasn't done then, he wasn't done last month, perhaps he is now...

walkingtheline

I am dating a "normal".

At first, it was just plain weird. He opened my doors! Consulted me! Was willing to sit down and discuss things! The "oddness" of it was just plain weird.

I'd find myself waiting for the other-shoe-to-fall or something to upset the cart. I'd say, "I'm so sorry I'm late" and he'd say, "no big deal, it's just good your here" and I'd think, HUH?

Then, one night outside of my Tues night class, a domestic disturbance became physical, in the parking lot. It was so ugly to hear...to see...and then I thought, OMG, is THAT what it sounded like to the neighbors? And I realized it was no longer the norm, instead, it was shocking. And to feel that way felt good.

Am I happy? Absolutely. I love the smile on his face when he sees me. Do we snuggle? That's more difficult to discribe. As I've expressed here before, we are chaste. We do hold hands. Kiss goodbye. Hug. An arm around me while we're standing somewhere. It's good for us...not sure it's what you would find it satisfying Code, but it's good for us.

CodeMaster

I've experienced a bit of that normal love, it is really nice, you dont feel any anger from your SO, I mean like you dont feel the walking on egg shells anymore... like you kind of said, your late, its all good, lets enjoy ourselves!!! She'll have fruits even and just start chatting like all good and very happy to see you and didnt even give a damm about being late. They keep their words, very helpful, need a ride? need her to go out her way to get you something? sure, be right there! And yes you can sit and talk forever... I always went out of my way for my ex, moment I ask her to go pick something up for me WHILE she's at the store anyways (I wouldnt ever ask her to go to the store unless she happen to be there sadly to say), she was like forget that and we had a huge argument just for her to pick up an item or two for me. But this was really normal, I didnt expect to ever make her go out of her way and I thought this was normal.

Unfortunately the girl who is normal round me round here I dont find attractive enough to call my girlfriend but she likes me... But maybe I dont her attractive cause she isnt wearing tiny miniskirts like the girls in the raves, I dont know. My friends think shes great and been asked a few times why I dont date her, yet my heart falls with the drug addict down in LA that for sure will only bring disaster to my life. Probably cause today she talks about her Vic Sec outfit she cant wait to show me...

I am happy to hear you guys enjoying healthy relationships, I want that yet I want the type of girls I see at the wrong places... something I'll have to figure out how to do.

Anyways, maybe one day I'll find a rave looking girl who is normal :P (jking round... ... kinda)

Minx1969

WTL - I so identify with that! I'm still trying to get use to the normalacy! I can actually tell him how I feel and what I need and he listens and does it..wow..What a concept!

Code- With this relationship there is not the intensity and passion I had with my exABF. Sure I do miss that sometimes and I struggle, but I can create that in the relationship I'm in - in a healthy way..or I can find passion in other areas of my life..I'm passionate about travelling, I'm passionate about riding (horses) again..I can get that intensity in other areas - just not the relationship..

I guess I just look at what I really want out of life..and the type of relationship I want..Some years ago I wrote a list of the qualities of the man I would like to marry..My new boyfriend has the majority of all those qualities..(definately has the important ones).

Life and relationships are hard enough without addiction..If I truly want someone who will be by my side and support me and help raise my (future) children - well..I know for me that is not an alcoholic who is still drinking..

Minx