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Old 09-17-2005, 06:36 PM
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Unhappy scared

my friend is a recovered alcoholic, he hasn't been drinking for almost 2 years, that's the longest period he's ever managed through. i met him after he became sober. i like him so so much... we became very close and attached to each other.

my dad was an alcoholic, he died of cirrhosis just 10 days ago. he never ever even tried to stop drinking.... all until he got very ill, but it was too late. my whole family suffered so much because of his drinking. that's in short...

i promised myself i would never ever get attached to any more alcoholic in my life, but here i am. i'm so afraid my friend might get back to drinking one day again... i care for him so much, i support him to stay away from alcohol and everything. i know i should think positive, i really try to be positive, but i don't think i could stand to see another more person close to me destroying himself with drinking. if that ever happens, i think i'll set boundaries, deattach myself and disappear.... i can not stand watching that ever again. once when we talked hypothetical how would i react if he switched back to drinking, i told him that... i think he got hurt and disappointed because he thought i'd be there no matter what. my tolerance about dealing with drunk people is so short because i grew up in the family with an alcoholic and because it ended like that. urge to protect myself from being hurt again would be stronger. is my honesty cruel? any advice on what should i do if that eventually happens? i'm suddenly so scared.

thanks
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Old 09-17-2005, 07:04 PM
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Hi eonium,

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad

It's usually a pattern the ACOA's and us codies do. When we're not healthy and not working our programs, it's so easy to fall for the closest addict. Cuz that's all we've ever known.

Alcoholism, like you know, cannot be controlled by us as loved ones. In fact, the more we "help" them, the more we enable them to continue to drink. We have to let go and detach. So, no......you weren't mean with your honesty. That's how you feel and he needs to know that. You're setting your boundaries already and that's great.

If you're in al anon already because of your Dad, stick with it. Keep posting here. There are awesome people here that are going through or have been through what you are and give great advice. If it wasn't for them and my faith in God,....I'd be alot worse off.

If he's gonna drink, honey.......I hate to say this, but start walking away now. Do that for you. Cuz, if not......you're gonna do what you did with your Dad. Watch someone drink themselves to death. There's better choices to life out there than killing ourselves with addiction.

((hugs))
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Old 09-17-2005, 07:30 PM
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thanks, Girlfriend, that was what i think and feel too, just needed to hear someone else saying that too, you know.... and i'm quite sure that if he switched back to drinking he'd be dead soon. it would be either booze killing him or his own hand. i don't want that to happen, i don't want to enable him to continue to drink by giving him my "unflinching support" (as he calls it). i know my mom made the same mistake with my dad. and her dad was also alcoholic. i don't want to go through any same patterns. i know he has no right to feel "hurt". if i told him i'd be there even if he switched back to drinking that would be enabling him. not to mention, that my nerves would never handle that. i had enough of bad drunk scenes for my whole life.
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Old 09-17-2005, 08:13 PM
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i think you have developed some healthy thinking and have set a boundary for yourself. there is nothing wrong with you not accepting unacceptable behavior should it happen.good for you and keep coming back and posting and reading!
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Old 09-17-2005, 08:40 PM
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You did very good, telling him the truth. That might make him think, but if we say sure I will be here for you, then out they go to drink as you will forgive and be there. Not cruel or heartless, just tough love.
If he asks again, perhaps say, it is too insane to live through, when NO ONE can help them except a perfessional or AA people.
Hope you stand your ground, best for you both.
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Old 09-17-2005, 09:40 PM
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I can understand why you're wrestling with the fear that your AB may one day drink again, as relapse is common in alcoholics. Just as relapse is common in folks with diabetes or in folks who overeat. That's because these are chronic conditions that don't ever go away and require daily management to keep them in check.

Is your AB actively working a recovery program? Is he attending meetings regularly? If so, he's showing you through his actions that he's doing his best to stay sober. If not, then I'd be somewhat concerned.

I guess you're either going to have to let go of the fear that he'll drink again one day and embrace the fact that he's not drinking at the moment or decide that the fear is too great and move on.

I ended my relationship with my AB of 23 years in March, and I haven't begun to date again. But I know that I would not feel comfortable dating a recovering alcoholic. I've suffered enough pain from my ex-partner's alcoholism to last a lifetime. I don't want to live in fear and always worry about a potential relapse. I don't want alcoholism to consume another day of my life. I know that if I were dating a recovering alcoholic that I'm not strong enough or healthy enough yet to let go of the constant worry over a potential relapse.

But you have to do what's right for you. And Alanon can help you decide.

Welcome to SoberRecovery.
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Old 09-18-2005, 11:14 AM
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Thank you all for your replies
He was in a recovering program and also intended AA meetings, he stopped doing that a year ago. He's been fine even though he stopped going to the meetings.
Thing that bothers me right now is that he chose a guy who drinks a lot to be his room mate?! Among all people???
He states he's fine and seeing alcohol in his fridge every day doesn't bother him, hmmmm, i'm still not sure....
A recovering alcoholic sharing a house with an active alcoholic seems like playing with the fire to me!
I sometimes wonder if his room mate is going to be his excuse?
We keep coming back to the same topic over and over again.
But, now i'm glad i told him how i feel and i'm even more sure what would i do if that happened.
Thank you all
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