Anniversary Anxiety
 

Today is my ah and my 6th anniversary. I've been doing really good with getting a grasp on my own codie issues, but, I just don't know how I should deal with the day and it's throwing me into a lot of mental confusion. We haven't had our 'discussion' yet about my wish for us to separate yet (am still working out how to support myself and get my needed medical attention. I feel like I'm in limbo.) I just don't love him anymore...period...

Every Saturday, for years now, he goes to a friends and spends the day with all of his guy friends. This morning, (Sat 9am)I was feeding my grandson in the kitchen, and I didn't even know that he left. No goodbye, or anything; didn't even see him or hear him leave. This is the 4th year he has spent it with his friends instead of with me and I no longer care. He will come home drunk (no surprise there) and I just don't know how I should act.

Part of me wants to say something about how he always ignores what I find important in maintaining a relationship. Part of me screams, "just tell him today that I want a separation" and another part of me says, leave the house and and go find something to do for yourself for the evening before he gets home. (I R SO confused!!) Would it be cruel of me to discuss separation today? I know I sure don't feel like 'celebrating' our yearmark in any way, shape or form. We got an anniv. card from his parents yesterday and I don't even want to open it...or give it to him. (Especially since he always says cards mean nothing to him; and I only got one for my birthday this year because I mentioned something to one of his buddies and his buddy chose to say something.) And what do I do if for some reason he DOES give me a card or something...how in the heck do I respond to that? (He never gave me anything these past four years, so I'm NOT expecting something...but, if he does...?)

Just don't know what to do and would appreciate any input from anybody. I'm so confused I don't even know where I'M coming from today! lol! I feel like crying, but don't know why. I was doing great with everything right up till today.

Joyinlife,

I'm so sorry you are having a hard day. I'd say find your Joy in life today! Maybe write a list of some things that would make you feel great, spoil yourself with a long bubble bath or whatever to make yourself feel good. Make the decision that today is going to be a good day regardless of what anyone else does. I try to remind myself that my life is not anyone elses, I'm going to be happy that's my choice for just right now. Having someone come home drunk is a pain and makes me feel so alone when that happens. Actually, I came home from work the other day to one, I decided right then and there that he wasn't going to ruin my day. Ran to my bathtub and bubbled it up and started singing until the panic/anger decided to leave me. Yup, I looked like a total idiot just enough that I cracked myself up...had to...
Honestly, I would feel like crying to, and if that makes you feel better do it. If you are mourning this relationship, that is what you have to do. Sounds like your feelings are in a knot to me, confused etc. I've been there several times... I'm just saying put yourself first, confusion is normal for people dealing with active alcoholics and don't beat yourself up for that.
I wish I could say something to fix you up right this moment, I really feel your pain.
I'll be praying for you to have a good day,

~FaithChaser

Thanks FaithChaser! I'll try to make this a good day no matter what it brings. Yes, my feelings are in a knot...I know that the faith I was brought up in (Quaker) keeps me confused in a lot of ways while I struggle to be 'fair' to someone who mostly always isn't fair to me. I think my heart, head, and religious upbringing are just all fighting amongst themselves and making my brain go in circles! I think for now, anyways, I'm just going to tune out that it's supposed to be a special day...and have an extra special day with my grandson. I still don't know how I'm going to 'be' when he gets home, but, I'm going to try my best to just be joyful no matter what the evening might bring. Thanks for your reply, and for yur prayers. Joyinlife

Hi Joy....
 

Cry and then see if my tips help you! :)

When I feel blue.....I do some or all of these...

Put on jazzy music..sing and dance around the room

Pray....Take a bubble bath...Go for a walk

Cook Chili.....Read the Big Book or Bible

Spray on perfume, slather on make up, wear red

Eat Ice Cream....Call a friend....Go to an AA meeting

Catch or rent a movie... Eat out.

I would spend the day doing something for yourself as long as your H is not around. What I did this last anniversary was made a nice dinner to acknowledge all the many many years of our marriage, but nothing else. My marriage to me feels very very over, but I would not discuss separation on my anniversary day no matter what. That's just me.

I'm sorry you're going through so much turmoil. I know I went through my entire anniversary day with my stomach like hurricane. It was awful.

Thanks FWR, that's a good suggestion about the dinner, even tho he usually doesn't eat anything after his long day drinking. I really don't feel like discussing separation on an anniversary, somehow, it just doesn't seem right... but then, in my confused thought process today, I thought if he brings it up, maybe I should respond and he would actually listen to me for once. He probably doesn't even remember anyways...but, I'm sure the card from his parents will remind him. (I know what you mean about your stomach being like a hurricane, I've already doubled my IBS medicine for the day!) Thanks for the support, I appreciate it. Good luck to you on your journey, too.

update
 

Update: It ended up to be a good day afterall...I played with my grandson, baked myself a cheesecake and had a bubblebath. I didn't have to worry about an 'anniversary meal' at all. He came home from his buddy's inebrieated (after 9+ hours of drinking) and went to bed within an hour of being home. Within that hour he took a muscle relaxer and a pain pill on top of all that beer (he says he drinks one every 20 minutes) and all his heart meds...The only time I saw him was when he got up to use the restroom, and he was so confused and disoriented it was scary. I took his b/p to make sure it wasn't so low that he needed medical assistence. I prayed that HP would take care of him, and just 'let go and let God'.

I tried remembering other anniversary's that were happy, and found I couldn't...with the exeption of the first one, he's always spent our anniversary either away with one of his buddies, with his brother, or at the bar...not with me. (When I was getting chemo and was extremely ill, he spent the whole evening at the bar.) I accept that he accepts that this is OK and I can do nothing about it. I was just scared when I wrote yesterday that he would 'start something' and was afraid that I would lapse back into codie behaviour. I know having this 'chemo brain' just adds to my fog and confusion sometimes and I just wanted to make sure I was coming from 'the right place.' Thank you all for your responses that helped me keep on the right track.