asl3821176

Hello everyone.
I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 81/2 years. The problem I need help with is that when he quit drinking, everyone around us was either telling us that I was just making this up, or telling me to not do anything to make him drink again. No one seemed to care about the years of abuse I had gone thru. I still have some things that I haven't been able to let go of. I have tried talking to my husband, but he says he doesn't remember doing these things, so they didn't happen, and that I am just trying to start a fight.
I have also realized that his maturity level is not where it should be, he started drinking as a teenager and didn't stop until he was 31. I have noticed this because we have a 17 year old son who acts more mature that his father. We have been toghter for twenty years and I have been trying to decide for the last year or so if I want to stay or leave. Sometimes I think being alone would be better.
Sorry this is so long, I am so glad I found some place that maybe someone will understand.

RedAPBT

Welcome aboard!

I have no advice to give, but I can share my ES & H... living with an alcoholic (who is again in recovery) - the abuse goes much farther than what most on the outside would have ever seen.

They say that the alcoholic stops maturing at the age they start drinking - so like you - I have a perpetual teenage duck running around the house :-D

Alanon gave me tools to deal with this pain and realize that though I was his target - it was not all my fault! I did learn that I played a part in some of the disfunction and that it was my job to change me - not him or them!

This forum has been a great outlet for me to vent and read and learn - daily I continue to learn something new about me or read someone else's ES &H and life goes back to better than before.

Please keep posting!
Happy Thanksgiving,
RedAPBT

Patsyd1

Hi ASL,

Yes I remember getting sober and not having all the memories of what I had done, who I had done it to, and the pain that I caused others and myself with my drinking.

I had to stay sober, and work the 12 Steps in my own life.

I was living with an active alcoholic and drug addict. And I was trying so hard to stay sober, and deal with all the things that he had done to me while drinking. I had the focus on him, and what he should do to get better, and what he had done, and how hurt I was over the fact that he wasn't willing to take a look at this marriage, the problems, and how to move forward.

At 2 years sober I was beside myself with fear, pain, and trying to get him to see what I thought was the real problem. My then sponsor in AA, literally took me by the hand, and took me to an Alanon meeting. Said that I had to keep the focus on myself and my own recovery first, and that Alanon would help me to keep the focus on myself and my own recovery.

I am so grateful that my sponsor took me to Alanon. Because the truth is that its not about him, his drinking, his sobriety, his anything. The truth is that this is a family disease, and everyone is effected.... both the alcoholic and the family members.

I had to go to Alanon meetings so that I could learn to live my own life, I could become active in my own recovery, and keep the focus on the only thing that I could do anything about... me and my own attitudes.

I understand whats its like to be so desperate that I would do anything to get a drink, and then to be so desperate that I would do anything to get sober. I then had to work this recovery program in my own life, so that I could stay sober one day at a time.
Imagine my anger when I was brought to Alanon meetings, so that I could now not only stay sober for myself, but I had to go to Alanon for HIM!

I learned one of the most valuable lessons from attending Alanon meetings. That I had to go to Alanon for me, and that I had to keep the focus on me and my own recovery, because the truth is that yes alcoholism effected us all.... but the only one who could do anything about me and my atttitudes.... was me. The truth also is that when I kept the focus on him, and his drinking, and what I thought he had done to me..... it kept the focus off of me and what I needed to do to get well. Because this disease takes and takes... it will destroy the alcoholic and everyone around them. The only thing that I could do is attend Alanon meetings and learn how to well and learn to live my own life again.... whether the alcoholic did or not.

I would suggest attending Alanon meetings where we can learn to put focus back on ourselves, to take care of ourselves, and the obsession that we have with the alcoholic and what they are doing, thinking, acting, and saying.

Because the simple truth is that it has nothing to do with the alcoholic at all.... it has to do with me, my actions, my thinking, my words, my deeds, my attitudes... and my own recovery from this disease.

At Alanon meetings I learned not to make any major decisions for one year, and I am grateful that I heard the message in Alanon meetings, and I began to apply the solution in my own life first, and I learned that the responsibility for the alcoholics recovery is his.... and the responsibility for my own recovery... is mine.

God Bless you ASL, and I hope that you go to Alanon Meetings, they can help you, because I know Alanon has been a miracle in this drunks life

Love
Patsy

Hangin' In

To ASL and Patsyd:

Welcome to this board. I'm a relatively newcomer here so I'm much like you, trying to learn and find comfort in others who are experiencing the same thing as I.

My "A" is my daughter, but I can identify with how you are feeling. It's tough and all I can do is say the same as others.....try Alanon. There is great comfort and knowledge in that group. I'm just getting started with Alanon but I know it can help me.

And Patsy, what a wonderful post you made. Sounds like you have really made both programs work for you and I am so happy for you. So would you like to be my "Online Al Anon Sponsor?"

Hey, I need all the help I can get.

Hang in there, ASL. We will make it by the grace of God!

Patsyd1

(((((((((((Hi Hangin' in)))))))))))))))

For myself Hangin' in, and this is just for me. I honestly believe that there is only one way to sponsor anyone, and that is face to face. On line is wonderful... as an addition to, but never as a replacement for face to face meetings. At face to face meetings is where we get to look into the eyes of someone who is hurting, and we get to see up close and personal the devastation of this disease and we get see the miracles of recovery. We get to give and get real live hugs, and the most important of all is that we get to allow others to really know us, and we get to really know them. For myself this is so important, because I know that for myself I could hide, and isolate even in crowds, because I wasn't willing to share with anyone who I really was, and how I really felt.

If I thought that by sponsoring someone on line would be a good thing for them or myself.... I would do it in a heart beat. I honestly believe that sponsorship is so important that it has to be done face to face. Where they can get to know me, and I can get to know them.... up close and personal.

I thank you and I am honored to think that you would even ask me, and I am honored and blessed to be aware of what worked for me in my own recovery....and a face to face sponsor was so important for me and my own spiritual growth.

Anyone would be honored to sponsor you at real live Alanon Meetings, all you have to do is ask someone. It is apparent that you are so willing to grow, and that is the key. You have the key, so I would suggest sharing this with someone at face to face meetings, someone who is face to face, up close and personal, and someone can offer you what you so so deserve.... a loving sponsor, for a very loving and willing YOU

((((((((((((Hangin' in)))))))))))))))))

Love to you,
Patsy

Hangin' In

Oh c'mon Patsyd1, you can't be bought????

I know, I know.... I didn't really expect to get a real live 'online sponsor' so I'll just keep gaining knowledge from your posts! And I do need the knowledge, so you must keep posting. (Don't you just love the pressure?... )

piggle

Wow, I sure saw myself in your post. Or saw what might be me yrs from now. My husband has been sober for a few yrs now. Sometimes, though, I feel like I can't let go of all that happened when he was drinking because he refuses to talk about it. Like your A, he doesn't remember much and what he does remember he doesn't want to talk about or even think about. The shame and guilt is too great. I have tried countless times to get him to talk with me about it all as I feel like I need to get this out and let go of it. He has said sometimes he thinks he should have moved on and married someone who didn't know his past....kinda like a relocation program for alcoholics!! I don't have any advice....just HUGS and prayers. **piggle**

Patsyd1

Hmmmmmmmm a cup of coffee is a good price LOLOLOL

Oh I just love your sense of humor.

I am gaining and learning so much by reading all your posts Hangin' in, and I want you to know that YOU are a treasure, and one in which I am so grateful to know that you are here and posting. Thank you for being YOU Hangin'in

Love
Patsy

asl3821176

Thank you so much for all the words of encouragement. I am going to try alanon, I have realized in the last few days that it is something I must do for my self, if he doesn't like it to bad.
I saw an old friend a few days ago and he reminded me of the person I used to be, and can be again. Just going out at night by myself to meet him for a drink was very liberating. To sit and talk to a man the same age as my A and have a drink (just one not the whole bar) was very eye opening to me. I forgot what an adult conversation was like.
I am so glad I found all of you
ALS

Patsyd1

Hi Piggle,
I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict myself. The shame and guilt that I lived with on daily basis was eating me alive. I wasn't able to let go of that shame and guilt and remorse until I began to take the suggestions at AA meetings. I got a sponsor and I began to work this wonderful program in my own life. It took time to let go of all those horrible feelings of what I had done to my family. Oh I knew exactly what I had done, and I too was unable to talk about it. Time takes Time.

I know the helplessness of trying to get someone to do something before they are ready, and I know alittle of both sides.... the Alcoholic and the Alanon.

I had to attend Alanon meetings so that I could let go of the past and deal with my own stuff. I had to let go of the anger, the rage, the hurt, and I had to see the alcoholic as a sick and suffering person with a terrible disease. A disease that I am powerless over, a disease that I did not cause, I can not cure and I certainly can not control.... the disease, or him.

I had to attend alanon meetings to do the only thing that I could do.... keep the focus on myself, my own disease, and begin to apply the 12 Steps of Alanon in my own life. I learned that when I do the only thing I can do, keep the focus on myself and my own growth here in the Alanon program. This is when I get to grow, and change the person that I brought through those doors of Alanon. Because there is nothing I can do about the alcoholic, sober or drinking. There is nothing I can do about whether he changes or not. There is nothing I can do about the past... its gone, and no matter what , I can not change it.

But I can change today, I can change the person that I am, I can keep the focus on me and my own attitudes, and I can work the simple program of Alanon and the 12 Steps in my own life.

Yes Piggle.... he knows what he did, and how it effected you, him and the family. So reminding him of this only keeps the guilt and the shame up front, and will not do a thing to change him..... but it will do alot to keep you stuck in the place of no change, a place in the past, and a place where there is no growth for you.

When we concentrate on the things that can not be changed, its like being a butterfly, stuck to a wooden board, with a pin right through it. We go around and around and around.... stuck right at the point of pain. The one way that I found to become unstuck and to work through the pain and get better for me.... was to attend Alanon meetings.

Its there at Alanon meetings that I learned to take care of the only thing that I could.... me and my attitudes.

We can get this out in a healthy way, and let go of it and grow one day at a time in the solution.... at Alanon Meetings

God Bless you piggle, and it does get better one day at a time.... in Alanon.

Love
Patsy

piggle

Thank you, Patsy, for such a heartfelt reply. I do agree that bringing it up can only reinforce the guilt and shame. I try not to do that. My guy isn't a 12 stepper. We attended many meetings and he really did try the program, but he found it wasn't working for him. I think there are a lot of reasons why and I am sure he has a lot of issues to work through inside. I can understand how it didn't work for him, tho, as Alanon never worked for me. Sure, I can apply the principles and post here but I am not a meetings sort of gal. I know there is great risk of relapse because he has not thoroughly dealt with the underlying causes, but I also know he has made an entire life change and that the risk is lowered because of that. He doesn't see life or alcohol in the same light anymore. I also understand and accept that I am co dependant and as long as he isn't drinking I will embrace it. In my opinion, Co-d can be good in a marriage when it isn't as a result of drugs or alc.

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. We discussed a few weeks ago and have decided to see a counselor so that we can work through and let go all of what has happened. My biggest prob is when he questions my devotion because of something small and I want to scream at him "Are you sh*tting me? I put up with all of that for HOW long and you think I don't care enough because I forgot to turn on the porch light?" silly things like that...he is terribly insecure.

*HUGS*
**piggle**