Going back and forth
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Going back and forth
One BIG step forward.....a couple back.
My xabf, most of you know, is on a alcohol rehabilitation farm for a year to get sober and start a new life.
He's been there going on a month. He's contacted me a couple of times since then. I don't contact him.
My feelings for him have changed. I'm not obsessing about him anymore and have learned alot through al anon, this board and counseling on how to treat myself better than I had been doing. It's been working. Have been working out and losing weight and go back to work on Monday (can't wait!)
But, there are times that I miss him. Like my counselor said "we take the parts we liked about them and cut them out and forget the rest". He wants me to "wait for" him, so that we can share our lives together when he gets out with him being "sober and changed".
Oh, if that were only true. I'd love to have him in my life "sober and changed". We always got along really well unless he drank. But, there is alot of stuff there that has to be worked through and a year is a long time.
I think I already know the answer to this question (cuz I love ya'all and know how we help each other out), but is it fair for him to ask me to wait for him? Is that showing that he's only there to hopefully get a job through this (they train him for new trades and help him get a job, if he makes it the whole year) and have a relationship (OR ANY relationship for that matter) when he gets out?
I think a year is a long time. I have no idea where I'll be, what I'll be doing or feeling in a year. Is he being selfish by asking me to wait for him?
My xabf, most of you know, is on a alcohol rehabilitation farm for a year to get sober and start a new life.
He's been there going on a month. He's contacted me a couple of times since then. I don't contact him.
My feelings for him have changed. I'm not obsessing about him anymore and have learned alot through al anon, this board and counseling on how to treat myself better than I had been doing. It's been working. Have been working out and losing weight and go back to work on Monday (can't wait!)
But, there are times that I miss him. Like my counselor said "we take the parts we liked about them and cut them out and forget the rest". He wants me to "wait for" him, so that we can share our lives together when he gets out with him being "sober and changed".
Oh, if that were only true. I'd love to have him in my life "sober and changed". We always got along really well unless he drank. But, there is alot of stuff there that has to be worked through and a year is a long time.
I think I already know the answer to this question (cuz I love ya'all and know how we help each other out), but is it fair for him to ask me to wait for him? Is that showing that he's only there to hopefully get a job through this (they train him for new trades and help him get a job, if he makes it the whole year) and have a relationship (OR ANY relationship for that matter) when he gets out?
I think a year is a long time. I have no idea where I'll be, what I'll be doing or feeling in a year. Is he being selfish by asking me to wait for him?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Hey, gf, doesn't matter what his motive is. Your truth as you just spoke it is enough.
This is just from my experience, okay? After 2 years of no-contact with problem ex, we began talking as friends. Last week he made a verbally abusive comment/attack at me for no reason. I have been having nightmares ever since. It was easier for me to remember the good and deny, or want to put in the past the pain.
live
This is just from my experience, okay? After 2 years of no-contact with problem ex, we began talking as friends. Last week he made a verbally abusive comment/attack at me for no reason. I have been having nightmares ever since. It was easier for me to remember the good and deny, or want to put in the past the pain.
live
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Truthfully~~~Yes! I think that is selfish of him to ask you to wait for him. But anything an A does is usually selfish and self gratifying.
GF-Continue on with your life and what you're doing. You sound so happy and have been doing an awesome job in taking care of YOU! Don't stop now!!!
Give this to your HP...If it was meant to be it will be..in it's own time. Not by someone (your X) asking you to wait for him.
Hugs,
Savana
GF-Continue on with your life and what you're doing. You sound so happy and have been doing an awesome job in taking care of YOU! Don't stop now!!!
Give this to your HP...If it was meant to be it will be..in it's own time. Not by someone (your X) asking you to wait for him.
Hugs,
Savana
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Dodge that request.
He may not stay sober when he gets out. Recovery is extremely difficult.
A hot chick may show up down there next week, then how will he tell you he doesn't want you to wait.
Maybe tell him he should be free to concentrate on him, that maybe by the end of a year he will want a different type person to be with.
You could say if true, that you arn't out looking and only intersted in weight lose, health etc. etc. Just doing your thing and you don't promise anything to anyone now days, (New Rule, except to be at work.) What da ya think????
Just thoughts, Lv Ya
He may not stay sober when he gets out. Recovery is extremely difficult.
A hot chick may show up down there next week, then how will he tell you he doesn't want you to wait.
Maybe tell him he should be free to concentrate on him, that maybe by the end of a year he will want a different type person to be with.
You could say if true, that you arn't out looking and only intersted in weight lose, health etc. etc. Just doing your thing and you don't promise anything to anyone now days, (New Rule, except to be at work.) What da ya think????
Just thoughts, Lv Ya
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I'm not going to pull any punches - I think it's an outrageous expectation. For him to even have the passing thought that you would put your life on hold for him after everything you've been through is selfish in the extreme. I can imagine he is in a very scary place right now and the thought of a safety net on the outside must be pretty comforting.
But what has that got to do with you? When he says "jump", do you ask "How high?". His expectations are his to own, not for you to follow.
Keep doing what you're doing, hon, I can hear recovery in your words.
But what has that got to do with you? When he says "jump", do you ask "How high?". His expectations are his to own, not for you to follow.
Keep doing what you're doing, hon, I can hear recovery in your words.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
He can ask whatever he wants...free country...ask away.
I think the real question is "Why are you considering it".
Have you pulled out your scissors and starting cutting away the good parts, again?
Paste em all back,,,remember why your not with him...play the tape all the way thru....
I think the real question is "Why are you considering it".
Have you pulled out your scissors and starting cutting away the good parts, again?
Paste em all back,,,remember why your not with him...play the tape all the way thru....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Thank you all! I just needed some input on this. I think it's very selfish of him to ask me to wait for him, like Minnie said, after all that I've been put through. He already took up a good year of my life with focusing on him and his problems and to think it just started out in the very beginning as me being a friend to him, wanting to tell him how I got sober, after seeing him drunk and hurting at a HS reunion.
I had the choice, though. And, I made the choice of falling in love with him. Since then, I've paid for that. I'm proud of the fact that I can love (some people can't) out of just pure loving someone, but I wasn't treated very nicely.
The farm is an all men rehab facility. 75 men from all walks of life. They have to be referred there, so the group is a mixture of all sorts. It's also a very Christian based ministry. If he falls in love with a hot babe out there, it'll be one of the cows or pigs they're raising out there
There's always that possibility that he'll get sober and change for the good (that's what I'm praying for ......for HIS sake, not mine or anyone else's), but I know from experience that once a person becomes sober, their thinking changes almost 180 degrees. Mine did when I had been sober after 1 year.
I've been letting him go all this time now and it's getting easier. But, there are days when I miss ONLY the good times. I have no idea what the future holds, but I'm gonna live my life every day to the fullest----atleast try----because we never know when it's our last and I don't owe him my life.
((hugs))
I had the choice, though. And, I made the choice of falling in love with him. Since then, I've paid for that. I'm proud of the fact that I can love (some people can't) out of just pure loving someone, but I wasn't treated very nicely.
The farm is an all men rehab facility. 75 men from all walks of life. They have to be referred there, so the group is a mixture of all sorts. It's also a very Christian based ministry. If he falls in love with a hot babe out there, it'll be one of the cows or pigs they're raising out there
There's always that possibility that he'll get sober and change for the good (that's what I'm praying for ......for HIS sake, not mine or anyone else's), but I know from experience that once a person becomes sober, their thinking changes almost 180 degrees. Mine did when I had been sober after 1 year.
I've been letting him go all this time now and it's getting easier. But, there are days when I miss ONLY the good times. I have no idea what the future holds, but I'm gonna live my life every day to the fullest----atleast try----because we never know when it's our last and I don't owe him my life.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
*Gianna, I love that lil guy rockin' out *
I told myself all day today that if xabf called, I wasn't gonna answer. But, guess what?
Yup, I caved by picking up the phone and answering it.
BUT, while talking to him, I realized that my feelings have changed for him and I don't buy the stuff he says anymore. It's just repeats of the past.
I told him that I'm not putting my life on hold for him and that I'm moving on, doing things for myself and feeling alot better.
He got "hurt"
"what about being together forever like we talked about before?" he asked me (yeah, we talked about that for the last time about 5 months ago) "I was just a fling for you, wasn't I? You're probably out looking for other guys. Take everything I ever gave you and tear it up or burn it. You lied to me! You're hurting me SO badly! I don't ever wanna talk to you again".
Oh, brother! Yeah, I lied to HIM. I didn't say much more after that and just basically said "Goodbye" and hung up.
In a way, I'm glad that I did pick up the phone because I needed to be reminded of what a two yr old sounds like. Throwing temper tantrums and the "poor me" "stop hurting me!" thing.
I'm not sure that he'll stay with this program for a year. He was so mad that he quit his job. (they were gonna fire him, anyways because he had tried to commit suicide, went to a psych ward and then got released to go to the first rehab place, but instead, went riding in these airplanes at a museum while drinking beers with the guys for a few days before turning himself in to the rehab and his job didn't appreciate that.) He's freaking out about that and after almost a month of him being at the farm, he's not talking too much about his recovery....all I'm hearing is what he said when he was in the 1st rehab. How HE was wronged and how life sucked for him....blah, blah, blah.
It's too bad, though. If he would just surrender and accept the treatment and work the program, he'd do great. But, only he can make that decision.
I've given up on telling him what he should do anymore.
*I told myself all day today that if xabf called, I wasn't gonna answer. But, guess what?
Yup, I caved by picking up the phone and answering it.BUT, while talking to him, I realized that my feelings have changed for him and I don't buy the stuff he says anymore. It's just repeats of the past.
I told him that I'm not putting my life on hold for him and that I'm moving on, doing things for myself and feeling alot better.
He got "hurt"
"what about being together forever like we talked about before?" he asked me (yeah, we talked about that for the last time about 5 months ago) "I was just a fling for you, wasn't I? You're probably out looking for other guys. Take everything I ever gave you and tear it up or burn it. You lied to me! You're hurting me SO badly! I don't ever wanna talk to you again".Oh, brother! Yeah, I lied to HIM. I didn't say much more after that and just basically said "Goodbye" and hung up.
In a way, I'm glad that I did pick up the phone because I needed to be reminded of what a two yr old sounds like. Throwing temper tantrums and the "poor me" "stop hurting me!" thing.
I'm not sure that he'll stay with this program for a year. He was so mad that he quit his job. (they were gonna fire him, anyways because he had tried to commit suicide, went to a psych ward and then got released to go to the first rehab place, but instead, went riding in these airplanes at a museum while drinking beers with the guys for a few days before turning himself in to the rehab and his job didn't appreciate that.) He's freaking out about that and after almost a month of him being at the farm, he's not talking too much about his recovery....all I'm hearing is what he said when he was in the 1st rehab. How HE was wronged and how life sucked for him....blah, blah, blah.
It's too bad, though. If he would just surrender and accept the treatment and work the program, he'd do great. But, only he can make that decision.
I've given up on telling him what he should do anymore.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
yep - i agree. doesn't sound like recovery is in his vocabulary. mine kept telling me- "just 2 more sessions" and i'm done with this out patient thing" and i KNEW that he wasn't serious. i think the suggestion of making a plan should he "bail" is valid because it sounds like that may happen. ((girlfriend)) it's soooo hard!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
He'll of blown it SO badly if he quits the program he's in now. He won't find a better program than this.
Plus, he'll have no job, no money and will probably still have to do time in jail for violating his probation.
If he stays in this program, they teach him a new trade, help him get a job, help pay for his rent (as long as he follows up on the OP guidelines) and help him get a car.
If he drops out and goes to jail......he'll come out worse than when he went in and if he continues to drink like he did, a 750 of vodka per day, he'll surely die soon. He's 45 and has the night sweats SO badly that he has to change his t-shirts 2-3 in one night sometimes.
Nothing I can do about that at all. It's in God's Hands.
Thanks, Gianna and Christine!
P.S. I'm gonna just keep doing what I'm doing and that's taking it one day at a time and working on me. I start work on Monday (YAY!), so I'll have more positive things to focus on.
Plus, he'll have no job, no money and will probably still have to do time in jail for violating his probation.
If he stays in this program, they teach him a new trade, help him get a job, help pay for his rent (as long as he follows up on the OP guidelines) and help him get a car.
If he drops out and goes to jail......he'll come out worse than when he went in and if he continues to drink like he did, a 750 of vodka per day, he'll surely die soon. He's 45 and has the night sweats SO badly that he has to change his t-shirts 2-3 in one night sometimes.
Nothing I can do about that at all. It's in God's Hands.
Thanks, Gianna and Christine!
P.S. I'm gonna just keep doing what I'm doing and that's taking it one day at a time and working on me. I start work on Monday (YAY!), so I'll have more positive things to focus on.
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