Sweepdaddy

Well, it is officially over. I stuck with her through 2 years of her addiction, she goes to rehab, comes back a changed person, two weeks later she leaves me. Says there are too many scars. To those who told me to be prepared for this before, I humbly can say that you were right. What really sucks is that something I did two years ago would now finally hit her and she would leave me b/c of it.


She knew about what I did, but I guess she never processed it until now. We talked about it, she said, hey we have both made mistakes, we'll get past it, but over the next few days it was obvious that she was leaving. Seeing roommates.com pop up in my browser bar the other day was the clue in to me that it must be ending. She said that she can't deal with it and now she is gone. There is a part of me that feels like, although she is hurt by what I did, that now she has a good excuse to leave me after I stuck by her for so long (big mistake!).


It really sucks because now she has to come over and move her stuff out. She and I are amicable about it, but my heart hurts. When she came over today to get some things, she was on pills again. I asked her and she said that she fell. God, that hurt. I know it isn't my fault, but it still hurt. I know that regardless of whether or not we ever get back together that we need seperation. She needs to find herself, a career, school, etc, and I need to stop being so damn codependent! I am seeing my therapist on Tuesday. After that, I will move into my house and try to start my life over again. Maybe at some point we can try it again, after we have had time to really sort out our feelings. I am writing this like I have some sort of strength or clarity on the issue...In reality my head is so screwed up I feel like I don't know up from down anymore. Any reading suggestions for moving on? Starting over? Being myself again?

labbylover01

Im so sorry. I wish I had your courage. I myself feel I need to leave but I am not strong at all. I guess when its time you (we all) know it.
Be strong and if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.
You will be yourself again, I know it takes time and you will one day feel good again. The saying time heals is so very true.. It will happen for you.
I wish you streingth and only the best... Good luck..

ASpouse

I'm so sorry Sweep .... I do not have any reading suggestions or anything like that to tell you, but I do think you should continue going to the gym, working out and doing what you love to do, for you.

I also feel this was an excuse to use again. It is way too soon for her to make any rational life changing decision. Most programs will tell you to let it sit for at least 6 months, sometimes a year.

Taking pills because she fell? Really? Do you honestly believe that? She is a pill abuser, she can't ever take pills again.

Again, Sweep I'm sorry for you ..... I can feel your pain through your words. I could be really harsh, but I won't kick you when you're down. Please think about what I said, I believe this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her addiction.

Minx1969

Alanon..

Being with people who were in the same type of relationships as I had had made me not take it so personally..Helps with the codependency too..

Get busy, find things you used to enjoy doing before you got caught up in someone else's life..Did you like the gym, going to movies? now is the time to explore those hobbies or things you always wanted to do but didn't a chance.

It's going to take some time and some grieving but you will get there..

Big hug.

Minx

Savana 54

I totally agree. It's funny how they rationalize the reason's for leaving us and needing their space. It's all so they can have their own agenda and time to drink and do as they please.

It's a very selfish disease.

Hang in there Sweep; I know how much it hurts...

Hugs,
Savana

Sweepdaddy

The sad thing is that I did make a major mistake. Let me say that again. A major mistake. I have been so quick to blame her for her problem, yet never took the time to look at how my problem has added to the dynamic. In a lot of ways, she is the strong one. She is the one who says, "This hurts me. I have been hurt. I need time to deal with this. It may not ever work out". I have never said those words in my life.


It's like two things happening at once: Her realization that a lot of scars are present in us both, and that I have also made major mistakes that can never be undone. Can't these scars strengthen us? Aren't they supposed to? Not of how someone else hurt us, but of how we allowed someone else to hurt us?


It's not that I am beating myself up because she left. It's that I literally saw how this thing I did to her started as a thought and manifested into a major issue. I guess I was always hoping that it would stay somewhat hidden. Now that she can actually process this, it is revealed for what it was. I allowed her rationalizing of it as an addic to allow me to rationalize it as well. Now I'm left with the sad truth that I myself am also to blame for our demise. In my enabling, in my denial of my own issues, in my martyr attitude up until this point. Now she is thinking more clear and it's I that am the problem. I always was, it was just too easy to blame it all on her. Anyone else feel the same?

Savana 54

I agree with you on some points. We are just as sick as the alcoholic/addict. Although our drug of choice is them. But you can't blame this all on yourself. You did the best you could at the time; you didn't know any better. It's not your fault.

I was always quick to blame myself as well. Just today at my counseling session, I cried and bawled. My Counselor just said she wishes I would see how far I've come, and to stop being so hard on myself. When they leave, sometimes it makes us take a good look at ourselves. We can only grow from these experiences, and learn from our mistakes.

Please be gentle with yourself.

((((((hugs))))))

Sweepdaddy

Savana,

I would say that itseems like it isn't the case. Before the subject came up of what I did, she was picking out carpet and paint for our new home. Even the day or two after we spoke, she was still planning out the move and what we needed to do. It seems that as she has alowed herself to really think about what I did, she realizes just how much it is now affecting her. She fell last night after leaing our current home. She slept at a hotel so that she could aviod going to her moms and her mother seeing her under the influence. We talked about it today. She feels bad about falling, but has a good attitude about. "I have to just get up and keep working on it". Aside from her addiction and recovery, I have to be honest enough with myself to realize I have also made mistakes in this relationship, and that I am reaping what I sewed. I d hope that it is for the best in the long run. She would never had left to really rely on herself, find her identity, and I would not have pushed her out to find mine. Maybe those identities are similar to the ones we had when we started this love, and we can start this game over again with stronger hearts and minds. Maybe. I have to prepare myself for that not happpening and that really sucks.

FormerDoormat

I'm so sorry you're hurting, SweepDaddy. We all make mistakes and do things that we regret. Perhaps it's time to stop worrying about your wife's actions and motives and focus on forgiving yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. That's what makes us human.

minnie

Hi there, SD. Sorry to hear about what has happened.

Reading - this is a good thread Loss of Love

As for you taking it upon yourself to carry all the guilt about how things have truned out - you sure that's not a little bit of the martyr coming out? Relationships are 50/50 deals. Has she kept up her side of the deal?
Martyr or Victim

The way you have described her actions indicates to me that she is not ready to stop using and therefore would find it very hard to have you around whilst she went back out there. After all, you have stuck by her and how could she live with that guilt?

Be gentle on yourself and stick with the therapy. Have you checked out Nar-anon or Al-anon?

CodeMaster

Hello SD,

I can relate and many others on here, but I can at least maybe understand your feelings more from a male perspective. My exgf with me for 3 years, been using alcohol / drugs for 10. Went to rehab, about 2 weeks or something like that after rehab, becomes dry drunk as many told me about and leaves me for whatever excuse you can imagine.

She told me she acknowledges the fact she is being very selfish, at least she can recognize it, she wants to keep me on the side lines for just in case she wants me back. But with all I've given to her, I am in no position to be placed on the side line like a piece of ****. She did a few more hurtful things as friends, breaking my tolerance point (hard to do) and I broke off all contact and friendship her.

She did break up with me, but in the end, it felt like I ultimately cut the line between us, not that it really matters but I ended alllllll friendship as hard as that is.

Like yourself, I moved into a new home I just bought, which part of the reason was to give both of us a new start cause the last home she would have flashbacks of drinking. Thus, that was enough reason to push me to upgrade, even though I always wanted to upgrade, I did not find it a necessity until then.

She has called me twice since then, I did not pickup the phone and dont plan to.

Today, I am fortunate she left me, I am fortunate she did not move in with me... else permanent memories would hurt my heart living here and in the end, despite her disease, I was willing to love her. Father pointed out to me, in the end, it was not that I learned she had a life lasting disease that prompted me to leave her, no, she discovered she had a true disease and left me . My Father said this is a blessing, your heart would be filled with guilt had you left a person just cause you found out she had a disease cause thats sad and wrong to do but she is leaving me, he felt a God was truly watching over me and told me to take advantage of this great opportunity to permanently end it, have professional movers pick up her stuff and drop it to any destination she desires and pay for it... and so I did, but that didnt end the pain but it did start a dramatic change of sanity reappearing in my head like I never knew existed....

I still have a problem of being attracted to drug addicts, but it maybe the fact that I keep meeting the girls from clubs / raves, I dont know, I'm seeing a doctor Monday too to ask for a therapist, psychologist, whatever! I asked him before he didnt let me go, see how it goes this time round..

Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to let you know, your not alone, I'm still hurt by it all honestly but hopefully I'm recoverying.. just wanted to share with you was all... Best wishes to you always...

steve11694

never say never. if she loves you and can resolve her own issues it is certainly possible she will returnj.

once i was so in love with a girl but something held be back and made hesitate. she got engaged to someone else. i called her, text paged her , begged, pleaded, her to marry me. she was not courteous at all considering how tearful i was. i cried and thought i'd never see her again

guess what, her fiance had a fist fight with her brother in the street. her family said they would disown her if she married that guy, who was indeed a jerk.

she broke it off, called me and we flew somewhere to vacation together. that was a surreal experience.

guess what, i realized she was very immature, a child inside a womans body, and this time i was the one that said no.


now i see my wife "stuck in a moment" called alcoholism. she is filled with resentment and anger. we are physically separated

she seems quite miserable though is in delusional denial saying everything is good. she looks like hell, is confused, angry, hostile, losing weight, etc etc.

i stopped all enabling about 3 months ago. sometimes she has a big smile when she sees me, other times she hates me. those are issues she needs to resolve, and most of all, quit drinking.

just keep the faith since the darkest hour is right before the dawn. take care of yourself.

Jazzman

SD - Use this lesson to improve yourself as a person. Honor feelings of others. If you screwed up, take it on the chin and learn. I'm not particularly religious, but heard a great saying once...

Let he who be free of sin cast the 1st stone.

ASpouse

Jazzman, where were you when I needed this saying a couple of days ago? Thanks for the reminder.

Sweepdaddy

It is very sad. The day she left to go "think" about things, she ended up going to a mutal friends of ours' house. That friend calls me the next day, says that she was very messed up. Our friend's boyfriend is in recovery from alcohol/coke. She was literally sitting there, slurring and telling him if he needed any help staying clean just to ask her! Ridiculous! The next night, I call that friend to see if she would be working at a bar I go to and see her at. She tells me that my AF told her to tell me and her mom that they were hanging out. It was obvious that she was back again with her old best friend, another pill addict. She calls me this morning and tells me that they are going to be friends again, that they made a pact that her friend wouldn't use around her. This is aside from the fact that all the her friends' friends are addicts too. She called me to ask me about something about the move, she sounded pretty bad. I just told her to grow up and I hung up on her. This is very hard as we are still in the process of moving out of this place> SHe was going to stay with her mom, but her mom cought wind of what she was doing and said no way. So now she has to find a roommate, move out on her own. I feel bad about all of this, but deep down inside I realize that this may save me a lot of heartache. If she had moved in with me, she would have undoubtedly gone back to using as she is not going to NA, not seeing a drug counselor, just thinks that she is over it. It's no surprise that she called her old bestfriend on Monday, broke it off with me Wednesday, and started using again. Really, really sad. She would have started talking to that friend again anyways, and I would not have been able to deal with that, being a sign that she is not serious about her recovery and that things would once again spiral out of control. How do you eventually stop worrying about them? It's like, getting over her and I breaking up is hard enough, let alone the fact that she is back to using again.

meli2005

I am sorry it is over, esp after you have been thru so much with her as well. I would just give yourself time to get over things. Take it one day at a time. Wish I had better advice, but sometimes that is all we can do. Work on taking care of you now. Keep going to therapy. Alanon would be good as well.

Savana 54

Alcoholics/addicts like to hang out with their "own kind." That way they don't have to listen to someone tell them not to drink or use.

Almost all of my xabf's friends are addicts or alcoholics. Once he ended his sobriety, he no longer associated with his sober friends.

The feelings you're feeling about losing her and worrying about her are normal. It's part of grieving the loss of someone we love. It's not easy, as we are in so much pain. Many of us here, are dealing with the loss of someone to the disease of Alcoholism.

Hang in there, and be easy on yourself; let yourself grieve. It's all normal.

ASpouse

Start taking care of you, doing for you. Stop taking her phone calls, ask her friends to stop calling you and set up one specific time and date for her to get all of her thingss. End it .... totally and completely.

SD, you will never stop worrying, but the burden is not yours to carry, it's hers.

You were so positive this was going to work, all the wonderful phone calls, everything. I hope you see now how cunning the disease is, how manipulative. I feel so bad for you, but you need to take care of YOU now. Enough with her!

sunshinebluesky

im sure you made a mistake somewhere.maybe a big mistake. but as someone said relationships are 50-50. maybe you were just unhappy when you made that mistake. everyone talks about that whole thing about no one can make you happy, you have to make yourself happy,yada yada yada....but...i found in so many of my relationships i was very happy--in the begginning--and so i gave.when you dont get back,as in compromise,communication,consideration,affection,e tc etc....you become UNHAPPY. and then,its possible you make mistakes. so dont be so hard on yourself about that part.
i feel for you, the last eight months,and especially the last four of those have been an emotional roller coaster for me (since my break up) but, reading,keeping busy and most of all-time-is easing it up for me. when your mind will not stop the thoughts, it is very frustrating.all you can do is try to occupy it,and flow with some of your feelings. allow youself some time to process and grieve,because after all,it is a loss. and just try to live in the moments......after awhile they do get happier and encouraging.

Pick-a-name

I went thru these exact same thoughts this week....then I remembered one thing.............why/how did all this beginn.....yes; alcohol is a problem and it needs addressed or it will keep happening. period.

In 25 years we never had these problems....with the progression.so did the problems. Own your part but not the whole deal. That, I believe, is the biggest aspect of my disease.............taking on more blame/"control" of things..........I know the frustration, but it can not be undone. I have those same thoughts.