am i falling out of love with my AH?
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: up north
Posts: 7
am i falling out of love with my AH?
God, I even hate to post about this. We've been married for a little over 6 years. We were both married previously, fell madly in love, and have stayed that way up until the past few months...for me, anyway.
In the last few months, we purchased two businesses with a partner (his cousin, my classmate). Believe it or not, one is a bar and one is a restaurant with a bar. I fought both purchases...obviously I lost that battle.
The money is good in both and we've been really busy. My H has drank b/4 work, during work, and after work. He basically runs the restaurant. I've spent most of my time at the bar (until school started). I do the books for both places. I've bartended in the evenings and now only on weekends. I enjoy working there.
The drinking has gotten worse since we bought the places. We've had many arguements about his behavior at work and he's gotten mad at me about things as well.
I've come to hate his drinking and everything that goes with it...a part of me even hates him for it. When he drinks, I'm not affectionate. When he's not drinking, at times, I force myself to be affectionate. I'm not talking sex, even just hugging or kissing.
He asked me if I loved him as much as I used to...I said no. Now I'm wondering if I'm falling out of love with him. I do love him.
And to complicate matters, about three weeks ago, I met someone who made me really look at the craziness in my life caused by my husband's drinking. He doesn't drink, he's gorgeous, and he made me laugh. I visited with him in the bar (drinks NA) every night for a week or so. We talked on the phone a few times a week but I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks (he moved for his job). He told me last night that we couldn't talk anymore. He doesn't want to get involved in "my situation".
I know that even talking to him in person or on the phone was not a good thing to do...but I was so starved for that kind of attention...now he's shut me out of his life...and I'm almost back into a depression that I haven't been in for a long time.
I want to do nothing but go home and crawl under the covers...I'm close to bursting into tears and can't do that here...
Laura
In the last few months, we purchased two businesses with a partner (his cousin, my classmate). Believe it or not, one is a bar and one is a restaurant with a bar. I fought both purchases...obviously I lost that battle.
The money is good in both and we've been really busy. My H has drank b/4 work, during work, and after work. He basically runs the restaurant. I've spent most of my time at the bar (until school started). I do the books for both places. I've bartended in the evenings and now only on weekends. I enjoy working there.
The drinking has gotten worse since we bought the places. We've had many arguements about his behavior at work and he's gotten mad at me about things as well.
I've come to hate his drinking and everything that goes with it...a part of me even hates him for it. When he drinks, I'm not affectionate. When he's not drinking, at times, I force myself to be affectionate. I'm not talking sex, even just hugging or kissing.
He asked me if I loved him as much as I used to...I said no. Now I'm wondering if I'm falling out of love with him. I do love him.
And to complicate matters, about three weeks ago, I met someone who made me really look at the craziness in my life caused by my husband's drinking. He doesn't drink, he's gorgeous, and he made me laugh. I visited with him in the bar (drinks NA) every night for a week or so. We talked on the phone a few times a week but I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks (he moved for his job). He told me last night that we couldn't talk anymore. He doesn't want to get involved in "my situation".
I know that even talking to him in person or on the phone was not a good thing to do...but I was so starved for that kind of attention...now he's shut me out of his life...and I'm almost back into a depression that I haven't been in for a long time.
I want to do nothing but go home and crawl under the covers...I'm close to bursting into tears and can't do that here...
Laura
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Laura, I just said part of this on another thread, but I want to tell you that I get it.
I am starting to think that I love him because he is my husband, not just because I love him. And I too know a guy that is incredibly attractive, doesn't drink, and is successful. We only talk in casual conversation in passing, but it's because I don't trust myself around him. It does feel good that there is a person who interests us, acts interested in us, and who is perceived normal. But I keep reminding myself that A) having any kind of affair with anybody, be it physical or even emotional, is not fair to my current relationship; and B) this guy may not be everything he seems. He might have some other issues. He might be a porn addict. He might be a control freak. He might be completely reckless with finances. Who knows? That's the kind of stuff you find out after months in a relationship.
And to conclude with what I said on the other thread, it's not what we want to hear, but everyone is right when they you'll know when/if it's time to go. I hate that too, but I believe 'em...
I am starting to think that I love him because he is my husband, not just because I love him. And I too know a guy that is incredibly attractive, doesn't drink, and is successful. We only talk in casual conversation in passing, but it's because I don't trust myself around him. It does feel good that there is a person who interests us, acts interested in us, and who is perceived normal. But I keep reminding myself that A) having any kind of affair with anybody, be it physical or even emotional, is not fair to my current relationship; and B) this guy may not be everything he seems. He might have some other issues. He might be a porn addict. He might be a control freak. He might be completely reckless with finances. Who knows? That's the kind of stuff you find out after months in a relationship.
And to conclude with what I said on the other thread, it's not what we want to hear, but everyone is right when they you'll know when/if it's time to go. I hate that too, but I believe 'em...
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: up north
Posts: 7
God, I hate that you're right! LOL I just wish I could make up my mind and figure out what it is that I want...I thought I knew...up until yesterday.
I also know that jumping into another relationship would not be a good idea but the thought of being alone scares the sh** out of me. I haven't admitted that until now...I've always felt like I could be alone, that I don't need a man in my life...the thought of not having anybody, even my AH about breaks my heart. And if something could have worked out for me and "the new guy" and now I'll never know...makes me awfully, awfully sad....
I also know that jumping into another relationship would not be a good idea but the thought of being alone scares the sh** out of me. I haven't admitted that until now...I've always felt like I could be alone, that I don't need a man in my life...the thought of not having anybody, even my AH about breaks my heart. And if something could have worked out for me and "the new guy" and now I'll never know...makes me awfully, awfully sad....
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
the thought of being alone scares the sh** out of me
Just some food for thought.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I have to agree with minnie...
I have never been as misserable alone as I have been in a bad relationship. It takes adjustment, but soon you will find such a peace in having control over your own life.
Hang in there, maybe that guy was just a eye opener on how it could/should be.... it was ment to be him it would be. You take good care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.
I have never been as misserable alone as I have been in a bad relationship. It takes adjustment, but soon you will find such a peace in having control over your own life.
Hang in there, maybe that guy was just a eye opener on how it could/should be.... it was ment to be him it would be. You take good care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
You have been affected, infected and infested with alcoholism, a major, fatal disease...........
Getting one *him* to replace the other *him* is just like switching beer for wine.
You got problems that a hot, sexy *him* cannot solve. You got *you* problems. The only solution for *you* problems is to work on *you* by asking for help.
Therapist, al-anon....these are the tools to fix your *you* problem.
Getting one *him* to replace the other *him* is just like switching beer for wine.
You got problems that a hot, sexy *him* cannot solve. You got *you* problems. The only solution for *you* problems is to work on *you* by asking for help.
Therapist, al-anon....these are the tools to fix your *you* problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: up north
Posts: 7
FriendofBill,
You drive me crazy!
I get it, I get it...ask for help, alanon, all that jazz. Can't I just once in a while post about something and get some girly feedback, kinda like passing notes in study hall, whispering about some secret. I mean, I know that I need to take care of me, etc., and I know that sometimes the tone of a post can be misinterpreted, and that's possibly the case here. Get what I'm saying?
allmixedup
You drive me crazy!
I get it, I get it...ask for help, alanon, all that jazz. Can't I just once in a while post about something and get some girly feedback, kinda like passing notes in study hall, whispering about some secret. I mean, I know that I need to take care of me, etc., and I know that sometimes the tone of a post can be misinterpreted, and that's possibly the case here. Get what I'm saying?allmixedup
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hey, I definetely get what you're saying! When I first "had enough" of my hubby's drinking, every guy (non-drinking of course) looked like Mr. Wonderful to me. The grass was green everywhere but in my house! There was this really cute guy at our church, a guy I had contemplated dateing before I met my husband, and I started telling myself, "See! You should have just been with G all along! Look at what a fool you were!" The worst part was the more I told myself that, the more I believed it.
We see what we want to see, and we believe what we tell ourselves. If I tell myself I'm fat and worthless, I believe I'm fat and worthless. If I tell myself my husband is an insensitive, selfish irresponsible drunk, I believe he's an insensitive, selfish irresponsible drunk.
If I tell myself I'm beautiful, strong willed and able, I see a much better version of me. If I see my husband as a man who's sick and suffering, I'm able to have compassion for him and still love all his healthy, wonderful attritibutes. It's simple, but it sure as heck ain't easy! My internal dialogue has been VERY negative for a very long time, but the change is worth it.
No doubt the guy you're talking about is cute, wonderful to talk to etc... but is he all those things because that's all your telling yourself?
Just a thought!
:-) Shannon
We see what we want to see, and we believe what we tell ourselves. If I tell myself I'm fat and worthless, I believe I'm fat and worthless. If I tell myself my husband is an insensitive, selfish irresponsible drunk, I believe he's an insensitive, selfish irresponsible drunk.
If I tell myself I'm beautiful, strong willed and able, I see a much better version of me. If I see my husband as a man who's sick and suffering, I'm able to have compassion for him and still love all his healthy, wonderful attritibutes. It's simple, but it sure as heck ain't easy! My internal dialogue has been VERY negative for a very long time, but the change is worth it.
No doubt the guy you're talking about is cute, wonderful to talk to etc... but is he all those things because that's all your telling yourself?
Just a thought!
:-) Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: up north
Posts: 7
Shannon,
I hear ya, girl! I'd even had the "grass is greener" cliche in my head last night. But, man, that grass sure is green! lol
I do have some compassion for my husband but it's difficult with all the lies, disappointments, and betrayals that go with his disease. I feel like my "I love you" is on automatic pilot, something I say at the end of each phone conversation and b/4 leaving each other in person.
After doing some venting last night and thinking this morning, I am more willing to do this on my own...meaning I don't need somebody in my life to sleep next to...at least not for now...although that statement excludes my three puppies.
I'm anxious, in a good way, for my H to return from his trip. Anxious to hear his lame a** excuses, already rehearsing in my head what I'm going to say.
Thanks again for the great post. That's what I was talking about...I know I gotta expect other people's posts/opinions not to agree with me and dang, it's tough to take some of that stuff...but I'm working on it.
Laura
I hear ya, girl! I'd even had the "grass is greener" cliche in my head last night. But, man, that grass sure is green! lol
I do have some compassion for my husband but it's difficult with all the lies, disappointments, and betrayals that go with his disease. I feel like my "I love you" is on automatic pilot, something I say at the end of each phone conversation and b/4 leaving each other in person.
After doing some venting last night and thinking this morning, I am more willing to do this on my own...meaning I don't need somebody in my life to sleep next to...at least not for now...although that statement excludes my three puppies.
I'm anxious, in a good way, for my H to return from his trip. Anxious to hear his lame a** excuses, already rehearsing in my head what I'm going to say.
Thanks again for the great post. That's what I was talking about...I know I gotta expect other people's posts/opinions not to agree with me and dang, it's tough to take some of that stuff...but I'm working on it.
Laura
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