So much resentment towards recovering AH
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by FriendofBill
Yeah, Im obsessed with you, I dream about you, and think about you...
) when I would have been envious of this kind of attention! I'd have given anything to have someone obsess over me!Oh, right... I did end up giving everything to have someone obsess over me: my self-esteem, my sanity, my serenity, my mind...
And in recovery, I've gotten it all back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
[QUOTE=emily33]Also, once I quit trying to change him and accept him for who he is alcohol and all, I dont get as mad as often. QUOTE]
Yes, I find that this works for me too. It's hard to maintain that though.
FriendOfBill attacked me too a while back when I was worried about my AH health situation. I don't undersatnd his/her hostility. We are supposed to be here to help one another.
Yes, I find that this works for me too. It's hard to maintain that though.
FriendOfBill attacked me too a while back when I was worried about my AH health situation. I don't undersatnd his/her hostility. We are supposed to be here to help one another.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
I dont think that anyone is trying to attack anyone. This is a place for support, and everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I am learning to agree to disagree. Take what you want and leave the rest.
IMHO, I dont think it is right to................................................ .....(point fingers).............. you can finish this.
I also find for myself, ME, that I have been upset at first with a couple of responses to my posts only to settle down later and discover, it bothered me so much, because it hit so close to home. I personally like everyone's opinion's that is what is making me grow, I do take what I want and leave the rest, but I am also very thankful for the rest, because IMHO, when someone responds to one of my posts, they are responding because they care.
Everyone here is reaching out for support, or some kind of recovery.
IMHO, I dont think it is right to................................................ .....(point fingers).............. you can finish this.
I also find for myself, ME, that I have been upset at first with a couple of responses to my posts only to settle down later and discover, it bothered me so much, because it hit so close to home. I personally like everyone's opinion's that is what is making me grow, I do take what I want and leave the rest, but I am also very thankful for the rest, because IMHO, when someone responds to one of my posts, they are responding because they care.
Everyone here is reaching out for support, or some kind of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
well friendof bill made an direct attack on me and singled me out in a disturbing way.-I guess she is angry too. I hope she finds some peace. I have to go and prepare to try to keep mY home and pets and family safe. I am afraid I may lose at least one of my horses I am bringing one in my den if the hurricane is a cat 4. My barn is old will probaly be desrtroyed. The horse could get hit with flying debris. We have many trees dax
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I have discovered during the time that AH and I have been seperated that resentments are often time "triggered". Sometimes they are triggered by little things that seem totally unrelated to whatever spurs my antagonistic feelings. And other times they are more obvious triggers.
Often times those "triggers" that I'm referring too are things that remind me of how things used to be. Whether it be something I veiw as lack of responsibility, old behaviour patterns, or whatnot, they are things that jolt me back to the way I used to feel when AH was actively using on a regular basis, when he lived here, etc. So somewhere in my head/mind, it's as if "Nothing has changed". It's a cycle that is repeating itself in some form or frame, which then brings back old hostilities and resentments. And I find myself angry in the present over something from the past because something in the present has reminded me by some similarity of that past time - which for myself, I've noticed is the emotional aspect of it. I FEEL as I did back then, I remember how I felt back then. I FEEL and go through the same emotional turmoil. Therefore, it causes resentment for the past as well as the present.
I have been accused of "living in the past" by my AH. I've also had other people point out to me that I tend to not "Get over the past and let it go". And I admit that I'm guilty of that. However, not as an excuse, but as an explanation, I explain as I did above that my resentments are usually caused by things in the present time that jolt me back and remind me of the past. It's hard to get over something when in some form it is still happening. It's like a vicious cycle that never ends when the circle never breaks. It's a repeating offense.
Just thought I'd share with you what I've learned about me. Perhaps you can relate somehow????
Often times those "triggers" that I'm referring too are things that remind me of how things used to be. Whether it be something I veiw as lack of responsibility, old behaviour patterns, or whatnot, they are things that jolt me back to the way I used to feel when AH was actively using on a regular basis, when he lived here, etc. So somewhere in my head/mind, it's as if "Nothing has changed". It's a cycle that is repeating itself in some form or frame, which then brings back old hostilities and resentments. And I find myself angry in the present over something from the past because something in the present has reminded me by some similarity of that past time - which for myself, I've noticed is the emotional aspect of it. I FEEL as I did back then, I remember how I felt back then. I FEEL and go through the same emotional turmoil. Therefore, it causes resentment for the past as well as the present.
I have been accused of "living in the past" by my AH. I've also had other people point out to me that I tend to not "Get over the past and let it go". And I admit that I'm guilty of that. However, not as an excuse, but as an explanation, I explain as I did above that my resentments are usually caused by things in the present time that jolt me back and remind me of the past. It's hard to get over something when in some form it is still happening. It's like a vicious cycle that never ends when the circle never breaks. It's a repeating offense.
Just thought I'd share with you what I've learned about me. Perhaps you can relate somehow????
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by Gabe
Alcoholics and addicts carry around a lot of hurt in their hearts.
Just because we don't hear about it doesn't mean it isn't there.
That's what I meant about paying for it in ways we may never know.
Just because we don't hear about it doesn't mean it isn't there.
That's what I meant about paying for it in ways we may never know.
I know that my alcoholic BF is hurting deeply but I can't help him. He very rarely talks about his feelings, and that comment just struck a chord.
Even knowing this I am very resentful towards him and am always having digs and making catty remarks. He ignores them most of the time but in arguements he tells me my digs make him feel very small and less of a man, yet, even knowing this I can't stop myself from doing it. I love him so much but I hate him alot of the time too.
I know about the viscious circle thing, because I'm in it!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by TheMissus
I am very resentful towards him and am always having digs and making catty remarks. He ignores them most of the time but in arguements he tells me my digs make him feel very small and less of a man, yet, even knowing this I can't stop myself from doing it. I love him so much but I hate him alot of the time too.
I know about the viscious circle thing, because I'm in it!!
I know about the viscious circle thing, because I'm in it!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 61
With all this discussion about amends and resentment - how do we know they are for real in their recovery?
How long should an A work their program in AA before a spouse can believe him/her - if they are not living together?
Some of you know my story. I married an A 10 months ago - but I never truly knew he was an A. We dated 3 years before our wedding.
We rarely saw each other during the week. When we first met he did not drink, atleast I don't think he did - but he slowly returned to it.
He told me he did not drink - but never said why. I assumed he just did not care for it.
He told me about an episode in 1998 that he referred to as his 'throat exploding" - he began to bleed (from both ends) and required a
blood transfusion. It was 6 months after his Dad passed away - and he said it was due to an ulcer caused by stress (he STILL maintains this!).
He denied it was esophageal varicies - and I believed him.
Once we married - he could no longer hide his drinking. 4-5 nights a week he slept in our basement, would not even enter the house
through the front door! I finally left in July and 2 days later he called to tell me he had begun to bleed. Took him 24 hours to finally
let me take him to the ER. It was in the ER where we saw his MD - that I learned that the episode in 1998 was EV's.
He lied and denied his drinking for the 4 days he was in the hospital - but I told all the docs the true, and obviously they knew based on his physical
condition. This episode was not as severe as the first which required the transfusion and a longer hospital stay.
When he got out he was livid with me. I was not living with him anymore - but he called and continued to deny deny deny.
AND he continued to drink! Then he agreed to outpatient. And he continued to drink. Then I moved out more of my stuff.
Then he admitted he needed inpatient and checked himself in. He stayed one week (all insurance would cover) -
I was consulted by his psychiatrist and case manager
so they could get a handle on the truth. He had lied to them about how much he drank AND that he had gone back even
after his bleeding EV's the month prior.
So he gets out 2 weeks ago, visits my father and maintains that he is only 65% responsible for our marital issues. Says I maximize the
situation. Says if he has a drinking problem why is it I can drink a glass of wine each day. And denied that the episode in 1998 was
due to drinking. Now I was livid! When we spoke he turned things on me,
said I resort to smoking cigarettes when I am stressed, and that I drink too and on and on - finding fault with me.
He had not returned to his outpatient program (provided by the same place that did his inpatient.) I fear this is because he knows
he is bound by a contract there - to stay sober and that I can find out if he is still drinking - - they breathalyze him. He maintains AA
is better for him - in outpatient most in his group were heroin addicts. He has been out of inpatient for TWO weeks. He says
he goes to AA and got a sponsor but she keeps calling me and making me feel guilty. Telling me he misses me and
that 'HE WANTS HIS WIFE BACK!' Like a demanding child.
I have explained that I need time to heal. I am living elsewhere and taking care of ME. That he has destroyed my trust by never
telling me the TRUTH about his addiction when we met or his medical history. I feel our relationship was based on a lie and
I feel very deceived. I hung in there for the first 8 months because this disease caused my own denial. And now I see
what it has done to me - and I don't like it. He just doesn't seem to understand. I have been to Alanon - doesn't help me much.
Think that means he is far from actually being serious about recovery? At this point I don't even want to see him - because
before inpatient - every time I did, he had been drinking!
I don't know if I can ever trust him again.
How long should an A work their program in AA before a spouse can believe him/her - if they are not living together?
Some of you know my story. I married an A 10 months ago - but I never truly knew he was an A. We dated 3 years before our wedding.
We rarely saw each other during the week. When we first met he did not drink, atleast I don't think he did - but he slowly returned to it.
He told me he did not drink - but never said why. I assumed he just did not care for it.
He told me about an episode in 1998 that he referred to as his 'throat exploding" - he began to bleed (from both ends) and required a
blood transfusion. It was 6 months after his Dad passed away - and he said it was due to an ulcer caused by stress (he STILL maintains this!).
He denied it was esophageal varicies - and I believed him.
Once we married - he could no longer hide his drinking. 4-5 nights a week he slept in our basement, would not even enter the house
through the front door! I finally left in July and 2 days later he called to tell me he had begun to bleed. Took him 24 hours to finally
let me take him to the ER. It was in the ER where we saw his MD - that I learned that the episode in 1998 was EV's.
He lied and denied his drinking for the 4 days he was in the hospital - but I told all the docs the true, and obviously they knew based on his physical
condition. This episode was not as severe as the first which required the transfusion and a longer hospital stay.
When he got out he was livid with me. I was not living with him anymore - but he called and continued to deny deny deny.
AND he continued to drink! Then he agreed to outpatient. And he continued to drink. Then I moved out more of my stuff.
Then he admitted he needed inpatient and checked himself in. He stayed one week (all insurance would cover) -
I was consulted by his psychiatrist and case manager
so they could get a handle on the truth. He had lied to them about how much he drank AND that he had gone back even
after his bleeding EV's the month prior.
So he gets out 2 weeks ago, visits my father and maintains that he is only 65% responsible for our marital issues. Says I maximize the
situation. Says if he has a drinking problem why is it I can drink a glass of wine each day. And denied that the episode in 1998 was
due to drinking. Now I was livid! When we spoke he turned things on me,
said I resort to smoking cigarettes when I am stressed, and that I drink too and on and on - finding fault with me.
He had not returned to his outpatient program (provided by the same place that did his inpatient.) I fear this is because he knows
he is bound by a contract there - to stay sober and that I can find out if he is still drinking - - they breathalyze him. He maintains AA
is better for him - in outpatient most in his group were heroin addicts. He has been out of inpatient for TWO weeks. He says
he goes to AA and got a sponsor but she keeps calling me and making me feel guilty. Telling me he misses me and
that 'HE WANTS HIS WIFE BACK!' Like a demanding child.
I have explained that I need time to heal. I am living elsewhere and taking care of ME. That he has destroyed my trust by never
telling me the TRUTH about his addiction when we met or his medical history. I feel our relationship was based on a lie and
I feel very deceived. I hung in there for the first 8 months because this disease caused my own denial. And now I see
what it has done to me - and I don't like it. He just doesn't seem to understand. I have been to Alanon - doesn't help me much.
Think that means he is far from actually being serious about recovery? At this point I don't even want to see him - because
before inpatient - every time I did, he had been drinking!
I don't know if I can ever trust him again.
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