new
 

Hi, I'm a newcomer to this group. My husband is an alcoholic for 15 years. He has just went through his 3rd detox--2 wks ago--embraced AA--and been going to meetings every day. Only thing is that I discovered that he's being drinking--and the ensuing lies about it--hasn't told his group, hasn't told me, still won't give straight answers about it--you know the procedure there.
Ok, I'm going to my first face to face alanon meeting next Wednesday. Meanwhile, I'm not sure what I should be doing. He isn't working and essentially I am paying for his alcohol. What do I do now? I've told him that I need to know he is serious about this recovery stuff and if he's not -- well I'm not going back to this life.

Help.

Debra

Debra,

The only advise I can give is to let his recovery go and concentrate on your own. Whether he drinks or not is not within your control. Take some time to decide what this means to you. What you will or will not live with and make a plan based on that.

How are you paying for his alcohol? Are you giving him money? Are you bringing it home with the groceries? You can stop giving him money if he is not working and you are. If he is drinking and he has an extra buck or two he will use it to buy alcohol or he will use the debit or credit cards if he needs to. You can have some control over you finances but not what he does with what he access to.

Good luck with your meeting!!
Keep posting!
JT

hi, Debra.
I'm new to this too but I noticed you needed a "Welcome! I hear ya'!"
Check out the thread on detachment maybe? I'd be at a live meeting, it's good to see and hear others laughing and understanding cause they've been there and back.

Hi Debra and welcome

You are doing the best thing you can for yourself by going to a meeting. You will learn how to look after you and your needs and how to work the 12-step program that can save your life - I know it saved mine.

I agree with JT that you have to decide how to control your finances and his access to them. And only you can decide whether you choose to stay or go. The program will help you get balanced enough to make that decision with confidence and strength.

My prayers are with you.

Welcome Debra! I hope things go better for you soon...I am curious did they did not give him antibuse? My A just went through detox and they told him he could be on it for 3 months or the rest of his life.
Love Kitty

SENDING YOU SUPPORT AND BEST WISHES!!
 

Just wanted to tell you that you've come to the right place by posting on this board. The people here are fantastic!! I'm new also (less than a week)----and the love and support emanating from these woman is so heartwarming!!! Although we each have our own journey to walk---our paths have all crossed, and it's so wonderful to know we're not alone anymore. Come back often, as I do---and learn from these people. You're doing the best that you can do for yourself by attending Alanon. I started last week prior to my adult daughter coming home from 26 days in rehab---and I honestly know now that the best thing I can do is to take care of myself. She's on her own journey---and love and emotional support is all that I can give. KEEP COMING BACK---it works if you work it!!! Have faith and be gentle to yourself!!! Have a good day taking care of "you"!!!

Hi Debra

Welcome to the forum (and welcome to everyone else!! :) )

Your situation sounds a bit like mine. My A has done rehab a number of times, lied about the drinking while he was still doing rehab, the usual quacking. I have just recently learned I cannot do anything about what he does. I cannot control his drinking, he will do what he wants to do. I don't agree with it and I am very vocal about it when he is sober and that maybe wrong but its the way I am.

I pretty much control the finances here and he willingly hands over any money he gets but he always manages to find money when he wants to drink.

So what am I trying to say, I work on me now. It doesn't mean I don't worry about him and I pray all the time that when he doesn't drink, that this is the time he will stay sober for good. But my main concern is me now. I do things that are good for me and worry about me. I am number one and I need some peace in my life. I still don't know how I've lived with it this long but since finding these boards and reading books and going to a meeting here and there, I am learning to think about my recovery and live my life the best way I can and be happy.

Think about you Debra.

Take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie

Deb,
Hi, I wanted to welcome you here! Alot of support is here for you. My A and I are no longer together. I know your frustration and pain you feel. It can get better though...do something good for you, let go of his recovery or lack there of, and like JT said, think about what you want..and make a plan.

In the mean time, were glad your here!!

Love ya!

Thanks for all the responses--Kitty -- they did not offer antabuse. I'm not sure why.

Hi Debra,

Welcome to the forum.

Sorry I'm late :D

Hugs,
MG

Hi Debra and WELCOME!

I'm also relatively new here, but can tell you that you will find lots of love and support on this board. I don't always have the time to respond to everyone's post, but I sure do read and draw from their experiences. It's a great place here because we are all in the same boat.

Keep coming back....:)

HUGS! (Helps Us Grow Spiritually)

I wanted to add my welcome to you, Debra. This forum has helped me so much. Lies, lies lies..... I am working on becoming more truthful myself. It is so hard to keep the focus on me. Welcome!

Hi -

I also just wanted to jump in here and welcome you!!!

Keep posting!!!!