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Bargaining with an AH

Old 09-12-2005, 04:28 AM
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Ugh!
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Bargaining with an AH

Hey,

I know this is silly, and I don't even know why I did this to myself! I am honestly wondering if this is part of the mourning process, I believe bargaining is part of it. Maybe it was a set-up on my part. Okay what I did: I relized that there is no way no how that the AH is going to stop drinking for me, period. So, what I decided to do was make a deal with him...this has happend before and failed so why I keep trying I dunno, I guess I have to flop on my face a million times before I finally toss in the towel? Anyway, AH agreed to keep his drinking to 3 days a week to keep me here in a working relationship (are you laughing yet?) My threats mean nothing because I never back them up. So, everyday he's "not drinking" he's hiding the beer cans as if I don't see the empties laying around in the garage... Last week I told him that if he is unable to stick to his side of our agreement that he needs to at least be honest with me about it. Duh, did I just ask an AH to be honest???!!! Anyway, I realize that this all needs to stop and my excuses are getting rather thin as to why I don't just stick to my side of the agreement and just leave. My current excuse to myself is that it would be mean to go right before his 40th birthday. Which of course I was going to get him exactly what an ah would want and that's booze. DUH! Now all of our freinds are planning on joining us in celebration of this...
and I did this to myself.
What am I doing to myself here?! At the very least I've become honest with myself in what it is I have been doing. Ignoring that he has any problem pretending that we have a "normal" marriage and there are no beer cans hiding away in the garage due to broken promises. I've also been really focusing on how I'm dealing with this and not numbing it anymore for the first time in a very long time. I'm not hostile, almost emotionless just kind of peering at the issues around me that I've created.
I feel like my job right now is to strengthen myself, work on myself and I toss this garbage into the mix. Well, it's a new day and I'm going to my meeting tonight Today I'm going to workout, meditate, work, and do my to-do list. So, what do I do with this? Just curious if anyone else has ever done this bargaining thing?

sorry for my rambling!

Hugs,
~Faithchaser
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Old 09-12-2005, 04:36 AM
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I believe everyone who has ever had an iota of hope for the person they want to love them has bargained in one way or another. I suggest you do what you have posted so many times and worry about your self, why is it imperitive to you that he stops drinking. Honestly he's a grown man its his business, just because he married you doesnt mean you get to call the shots in his life. Take care of you dear lady it wont get you lied to or your feelings hurt. Loads of hugs to help the hurtys go away....
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Old 09-12-2005, 08:22 AM
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Thanks,

I'm glad I'm not the only one that has tried this and I don't see any reason for it to continue or any reason to bring it up with the AH. I'll just let him be him and me be me. I do however feel that it is my business if the person I'm married to is drinking and hiding it. If he's an adult, he needs to act like one and behave like a married man should. I realize I have no control over if he chooses to do that or not and I honestly don't want to call all the shots for anyone, even if I had children I wouldn't want to have that responsiblity. I know my nagging helps nobody so what do we do with the inner frustration of watching someone have to medicate themselves? I honestly feel I have no right to nag or say anything anymore after taking a hard long look in the mirror and realizing that my side of the street has been anything but clean. I have done my part to fix that but the cigarettes are a hard addiction to break, I'm down to 1/2 of what I used to smoke and learning to live without pain killers unless it is a very very bad day where I can hardly walk.

Basically, I find that my problem is that I don't say anything, don't say anything and it builds and builds into frustration until I want to blow up, then it comes out like a tornado or I begin self-medicating so I destroy the feelings. I don't want to do either! I'm aware enough to know that it usually happens within about two weeks of a "new bargain" I'm seeing the pattern. Awareness is fine, but what to do with it is quite another thing.

Hugs,
~FaithChaser
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