walkingtheline

I've been gone all weekend. I get home, open the windows, hit the play button on the answer machine. It's the usual stuff and then, the X's sister.
"Have you left him? Not that we blame you, he wasn't real clear." Ok, I'll call her one of these days...they're a couple thousand miles away. Then the X, very slurred, his one call before they throw him in a cell...it's the "I'm in jail" call. Then, his friend Rod. "Thought you'd want to know, he's in jail. I called down there, they say they had to take him to the hospital because his BAC was 2.8 on the breathalizer, they wanted him checked out and a blood test and then they locked him up. They impounded his car." Then, the X again, early afternoon. Keep in mind I have a restraining order and he's not supposed to call. "I uh...just got out. What the F*** do you care? I wouldn't be F***ing drinking if it wasn't for you leaving me for and getting a restraining order and all that sh** for nothing! And they took my f***ing car. All because I had one beer! Are you happy now?"

The crazy thing is...my answer to that is YES! He's being held accountable.
He can't endanger people on the road driving when he's so drunk he's not able to walk or talk. He had a DUI before I met him so this will be #2. He'll have to do 18 months of drunk driving school, do some jail time and hopefully, because his BAC was over .2, the judge will enforce the possible enhancements and make it even more painful. I also filed a complaint at the police station...they let him call a number he was court ordered to leave alone!

This corner of my county is a little safer because he was caught.

Savana 54

Well, I think in a way this is a good thing, as it may keep him off the streets, and he may hit his bottom soon, or at least on his way there.

SOOOOOO funny how they blame us for almost everything, isn't it?!?!

Today it was my fault that xabf isn't going to send me some money for dog food, since I wanted to know when the check would be sent. He said since I asked to many questions he wasn't going to send it now, and that everytime I look at the dog, I should remind myself it's my fault if the dog doesn't have any food. HAHA!!

StandingStrong

You know what has to be so sad? Even though we know that we get blamed for things that are not our fault when it comes to an active user - we often times find ourselves blaming ourselves regardless if the A blames us or not. Years of conditioning makes us feel responsible for them, makes us live in doubt and fear.
Good for you for realizing that this is NOT your fault. Good for you for seeing that he is just acting out in his own normal way. Good for you for not allowing him to mess with your head. You've obviously came a long way to realize things for how they are.
It's times like these when I'm reminded of just how an A works. There were many times that a situation like this would have caused me to go into a major stress mode. Now I'd be more apt to just roll my eyes and laugh at him. But of course, I have my bad days too where I fall into old ways of thinking and old behaviors and I'd allow it to get to me.
I guess I'm just really proud of you for seeing the situation with a much clearer view.
Do something nice for you to today and celebrate your growth. Enjoy the serenity you've found.

Gabe

Walking, I'm glad you aren't taking the "it's all your fault" stuff to heart.
Lord knows, when it came to my ex I was responsible for his drinking, any other problem he may have encountered, the gunshot from the grassy knoll, the absence of world peace and the disappearance of the Lindbergh baby.
When your ex decides to get honest, he will realize that he is just facing the consequences of his actions.
Meanwhile, you just go about the business of living a happy life, okay?

Abugslife

Boy if we had a nickle for every time we have been told that one, my daughter would be "in the money".

Aquiana

Sounds good to me that he had to pay for what he did. I'm glad as well that you didn't take the blame for it. Abf gives me the whole, "I wouldn't do such irresponsible things if you didn't treat me like a kid all the time" speech. I used to believe him but after a while it became obvious that it didn't matter how I treated him, he did it anyway. Not to mention that he had alot of problems related to his drinking and his irresponsibility that came from well before I came along. Who's fault was it then? The blame game is one of the most irritating ones they can play.

FriendofBill

Oh Irene,,,when I grow up, can I be just like you? You inspire me with your good recovery by:

Not taking is personally
Not over reacting
Not wanting to bail him out

I like all of your "Nots".

Good for you...and hey, maybe good for him,,,sounds like he will have a lot of time to re-think his choice to drink and drive. Consequences have an amazing ability to enforce reality.

Savana 54

For my xabf, it was always "a few." I guess that equals out to being only "two."

elizabeth1979

Three was the number I always was told. 2 he said was unbeliveable and more than three he told me, I would find unacceptable.

Mind boggling.

Girlfriend

Hey Walking,

GOOD FOR YOU!!! You've got so much strength to not get upset over that and can see the foolishness in it. I'm getting there really quickly.

A 2.8? WHEW! and driving, at that. Thank God no one was killed. He prolly got mad at you for not going and bailing him out or calling the jail to see how he was hence the "what the F do you care?" comment. Poor, poor, pitiful me. YUCK!

My xabf left a message on my machine and he's been at the rehab farm for almost a month. He was braggin' up a storm. "I love it here! I've been working out with weights and getting really buff and one lucky lady is gonna get one helluva man with me when I get out of here"..........lol.......GREAT!
Why tell me about it.

I don't call, write or answer him back in anyway. It's useless.

You did file a complaint against him for calling you on a RO?

Cynay

HOLY COW! 2.8 ... I thought 3.0 is alcohol poisioning????

GOOD FOR YOU! and I was wondering if you will have the violation of the RO enforced too?

walkingtheline

I did indeed! I was really PO'd that his free call was made to a number that ON HIS RECORD says he can't call! I spoke briefly with victim/witness this am...they say he's in so much trouble already and since a) he was drunk ( I HATE it that that can be an excuse) and b) he called - at least the first time from a police phone - well, they feel the court will take notice but won't act on this violation UNLESS he continues.

Mutual friend Rod called again, God love him-he means well. He wants to ask the X to attend AA with him and was asking me the best way to approach him. I told him, the X has given up his relationship, his car and now will be giving up his drivers license, a great deal of money and possibly his freedom in order to continue his relationship with Mr. Miller. NOTHING I did or said made one iota of difference. I wished him well and told him I'd prefer to not be involved in the X's life. If he isn't running to an AA meeting and begging for help-he hasn't hit bottom.

The best part of this is his car is gone. The streets of OC are much safer.

GettingBy

Oh dear! Put the fishing pole away, Honey, this fish ain't bitin' anymore!!

pmaslan

Irene...I can totally relate....what's wrong with our law enforcement anyway?????
Last spring the cops pretty much threatened me to press charges against my exA. They said they were not my personal body guards and if I wanted him to leave me alone I needed to sign a no tresspass agreement. I live where I work so that type of agreement is supposed to keep him off the property. Well the first time after the agreement was signed they picked him up drunk, they called me and said they were bringing him home!!!! Next time they called me (they meaning the cops) from a bar my ex was drunk and they asked what I wanted them to do with him!!!!! Do you believe it.....there are some things I just don't understand!!!!!

Savana 54

It seems the fact that he was drunk shouldn't matter. I dealt with an xbf who constantly violated the restraining order, drunk and while sober; the courts and police acted on it regardless.

I had to laugh at this one, Irene!!

Girlfriend

..........lol........Hey Dakoda and GB,

Isn't THAT the truth! Last time I heard that was when he was in the 30 day rehab that he drink in and got kicked out of. I went down (this was back in June) and saw him for a visit (last one I'll make) and he looked like CRAP. Hadn't shaved, had lost weight, shaved his head and this is a guy that used to look like Rick Springfield in his younger days. Girls just loved him.

He's old and shriveled up now and I think that bugs him ALOT because of the fact that he was a serious hottie most of his life, but the booze and cigarettes destroyed that.

*Sorry for the threadjack, WTL*

Girlfriend

Oh, and WTL........one thing I forgot to say is that makes me SO mad, too, that the police doesn't do anything about his violating the RO "just because he was drunk".!!!

So,.....if he comes over to your house all drunk and wants to do something violent to you, is that gonna be dismissed , too, because he was drunk?

I've always heard that RO's are hard to reinforce. THat basically, they're a piece of paper. That down right stinks!!!

FormerDoormat

WTL, you're a star! Have you considered getting an unlisted phone number? That way Mr. Miller can't call again, and neither can his well-meaning friend and family.

walkingtheline

I actually LIKE it when one thought leads us to another -to provoke exchanges of thoughts and ideas is way cool in my book!

I DO see some good in restraining orders. It shows you'll stand up when you need to. (a legal way to say "I don't have doormat written across my forehead") It DOES provide some protection. The rental office here will not give him a key. If we had children it could prevent him from taking then from school. It's a written record that could perhaps be used if something ugly occurred. Here in CA, if they violate a RO often, a diligent DA could charge the offender with a felony.

How often have each of us overlooked some of an A's behavior because we understand "they're drunk"? We understand we can't have a decent conversation with them when they're drunk. We understand they often lie and maniputate when they're drunk. So, while it makes me angry they say "well, he was drunk"...Lord knows the same phrase used to come out of my mouth.

Remember Kathy Bates in Misery? "I'm your biggest fan." My XABF could say that to Mr. Miller. Now THERE's a commercial I'd like to see. Imagine seeing A's as we see them...raving, lieing, stumbling, peeing on themselves and/or the furniture...then, the camera would zoom in on their particular drink of choice and the A would say in his or her best ranting, sluring voice, "NAME OF PRODUCT, It's the BEST!"

walkingtheline

FD, my home number is actually a business number. I work from home for a corporation and, I'm our "registered agent" in my state-anyone can get it. My contact info also appears on-line in many states bank listings. Should he call again, my boss (president of the corporation) will file a complaint as well, my job is also "protected" by the order.